Acceptance Prayer

And the wave keeps on going and going. Now I can accept that I am no longer where i was before and no longer will be. I think I'm coming to terms with that. That's something, right?
My prayer has been: Lord, help me accept what is happening in my life right now. Help me accept. Accept. Accept.

The fear is of the unknown, that is all. There is no monster, there is the unknown. And everything that is new will be unknown until it is known, that is the rhythm of life and has always been. It helps to remember this. I am exhausted today. Exhausted. I finally allowed myself to not eat when feeling nauseous and it was a relief to be able to just feel what my body wanted, even though it made me weak. At least I didn't feel intoxicated like I did last week, when I forced myself to eat every meal. I felt awful. I feel awful just remembering last week.

I know none of this will be easy, but I am willing. I am working on acceptance, I am working on making my soul and brain and stomach realize that it is my choice to not turn back. It is my choice to carry this forward, and therefore, there must be acceptance in order for there to be harmony.

Intense work for someone who is not "working" anymore. I am contemplating my options differently than before. I see the guilt, the fear, the shame, the relief, the pleasure, etc - and take them as they are, just that. I realize I have tried, I have tried different options these last few years and I understand that I am being honest with myself. I accept that I might have made "mistakes", I understand that I will continue to make them. And it is ok.

I am counting on love, on love from my loved ones, on love from myself, on Love with a capital L. I choose to surround myself with loving and supporting people. I choose to be patient with myself and give my thoughts and feelings room to be and express themselves. I trust life to show me the way, I am praying for serenity to let myself trust.

Amen

percorrer kilômetros

Descobrir uma gravidez é como ser envolta em uma onda que vai percorrer kilômetors. Uma onda forte, uma onda que vai. Não há opção, ou se aceita ou se aceita, por mais aterrorizador seja ver a paisagem onde se estava apenas minutos antes se afastar em velocidade alarmante.

A primeira impressão minha tem sido essa. Estou sendo arrastada para longe, longe de tudo familiar, longe dos passos pequininhos que estava tomando.

E se eu puder esquecer por alguns segundos, sempre vem o som da onda quebrando, sempre um passo a minha frente. O enjôo nocauteador, o medo que surge, a cólica curiosa, os seios expandindo e o sono, meu deus, o sono!

Surge outra questao nisso tudo. Se a onda me leva, para onde? Também é um tempo de desapegar de muita coisa, de passar pelos lutos necessários - e o desapego traz liberdade de criar no novo espaço que se abre. Nao vai ser como era antes, mas o que tinha antes que eu desejava mudar? Agora tenho uma boa oportunidade, um impulso de tsunami. 

Down

Ups and downs.

Today there is another Down.

This city sucks. I hate Brasilia. I hate the rain. Sorry - the never-ending relentless rain, not the regular rain. I hate the prices. I hate the streets and urban transportation non-system. I hate the distances. I hate the stores. I hate the price of food. I hate the job market. I hate real estate. I hate how I can't make any plans. I hate how expensive taxes are.
I hate this lifestyle.

Celebrate

Today, all is better.

Today is not yesterday and my heart has stopped aching.

I am able to celebrate the little moments of joy and peace and the new rhythm that is now the maestro of my new days. I made a new year's resolution that I would start this year differently, trying to break the patterns and chains that held me down in old ways of doing things. To step out of ruts, finally. And its working.

I celebrate the realizations that take over of how I can sidestep dangerous traps and I marvel at how they are not my destiny. 

I started exercising again and realized that I don't need to go 150% in order for it to count.

I no longer feel guilty for free mornings (I really don't!!) because I realized how they are important for my busy afternoons and evenings, even if it is to rest and apparently do nothing.

Taking care of the house and my personal health and rest and exercise and etc. is worth the time I am not at work. It would be counterproductive to fill up my schedule in order to make "more"and then have "less"of a life.

I am getting off my meds, one day at a time. I feel ready.

I am taking on more responsibility at work and being counted on in ways that do not make me freak out, like it used to. I know what I am capable of now. I know that sounds like absolute cheese, but it's a freakin' breakthrough. I can talk to my boss as equals, I can tell her what I think and disagree and contribute because I know I can. 

I have a budget I control and can handle. It's a great feeling, even if only 2 dollars are left at the end of each month, at least everything is getting paid for. And it's also a great way to review priorities and what I really need to live. 

I am thankful for my friends that light up my days. thank you thank you.

Breaking my Heart

This city is breaking my heart, one experience at a time.
I love its green spaces and geometrical roads and design. The red dirt the heavy tree tops.
I love my childhood, my EAB, my friends and my love. But it has not been my city towards professional, personal and academic fullfillment.UnB lost me and ever since I've been lost. I am extremely frustrated and my heart literally, most literally, hurts.
My "new" job, which isnt so new anymore, is slowly but surely losing it's flavor, losing my motivation and for once I don't feel guilty or at fault for it. I understand the situation better. Understanding brings relief;
I am lost in a nowhere land of Brasilia's English market and I hate it. This is not who I am.
C'è un gran vuoto dentro di me. 

TensãoPM

Raiva surge nos momentos mais inesperados. 

Raiva nao, ira, pura ira e violencia. Me vejo querendo dar um tabefe em alguem, de sacudir, de gritar. Geralmente pessoas ao meu lado, com as quais convivo. Nao estou falando metaforicamente, estou falando literalmente, meu braço quase sai do lugar, todo musculo vibra na intençao de agredir. 

Seguro, como sempre, mas sinto a força da agressao se voltar para meu proprio corpo como um terremoto sem lugar para se expandir...

Nao me pergunte o porque da raiva, está difícil de compreender. 

Melhor nao se meter muito no meu caminho pois estou impossível. 

Qualquer comentário sobre política/economia/modernidade/whatever - quero estrangular a pessoa - COMO voce consegue ter uma opiniao sobre qualquer coisa nesse mundo de hoje? COMO podemos ter a mínima pretensão de achar que sabemos algo, que não nos falta MUITA informaçao para sair por ai julgando as coisas? Essa é a raiva que sinto. Estou cansada da nossa nova era, não consigo acompanhar.

Estou pouco tolerante a opiniões, acho que a ideía generalizada desse post é esse. Pessoas opinando, pessoas se colocando com tanta ênfase, COMO CONSEGUEM? Eu me pego cada vez mais silenciosa nessas conversas, tentando acompanhar e tentando achar algum gancho que provoque interesse na minha pessoa. Mas nao acho. Só me vejo murchando, me retirando no só sei que nada sei.

Quem sabe eu consiga entender isso mais pra frente, por agora fica só aquele rótulo clássico de TPM...grrr