tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4369553899693334092024-03-05T04:22:02.825-03:00Petit LibroAn Idea of Memayahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11096969342243180481noreply@blogger.comBlogger347125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-436955389969333409.post-21255669473127457252021-04-25T15:09:00.003-03:002021-04-25T15:09:24.672-03:00Apenas poças<p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiZvQWHdCuQWUcyuuvTYqeorixxqzhjRzAch9jw75aRalgEpfzOtvamTqyHKtyuZ6fYI2BO7gyMY7h2K0GhgNRk_IeaL_GD_h6dya4ywfRKCFWrGhVwzPx9agodOBWIhkNA8fDsQpMrhHI/" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" data-original-height="194" data-original-width="259" height="172" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiZvQWHdCuQWUcyuuvTYqeorixxqzhjRzAch9jw75aRalgEpfzOtvamTqyHKtyuZ6fYI2BO7gyMY7h2K0GhgNRk_IeaL_GD_h6dya4ywfRKCFWrGhVwzPx9agodOBWIhkNA8fDsQpMrhHI/w229-h172/image.png" width="229" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiKYcBrIcaj1ONG162Y8sSvM03j-h2ohDDEG7t9cLs53GkHvYzwNMopXlLZSl_u5k6lTXDXXEJz8oTHobRiLk3Qc0R4yHXd2pgr4IO_haOy9WpimKeU0ui0CvZvpxqyTAd56qXIEkLS-aA/" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" data-original-height="410" data-original-width="468" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiKYcBrIcaj1ONG162Y8sSvM03j-h2ohDDEG7t9cLs53GkHvYzwNMopXlLZSl_u5k6lTXDXXEJz8oTHobRiLk3Qc0R4yHXd2pgr4IO_haOy9WpimKeU0ui0CvZvpxqyTAd56qXIEkLS-aA/" width="274" /></a></div><br /><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhx_ago7kykx6QimbpS8rBkQkHSZ_wXV2ggIzEW9P_rxEQG_EZnJlGoV0iJ2btU2EfCHg3g-ZFUyH56t6ej4JjA-jmvwHbjVC_0pO5u6Njyc9QOpPOXM32vy-8MaDAVI_NtQ7W8gfFVdg8/" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" data-original-height="249" data-original-width="468" height="170" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhx_ago7kykx6QimbpS8rBkQkHSZ_wXV2ggIzEW9P_rxEQG_EZnJlGoV0iJ2btU2EfCHg3g-ZFUyH56t6ej4JjA-jmvwHbjVC_0pO5u6Njyc9QOpPOXM32vy-8MaDAVI_NtQ7W8gfFVdg8/" width="320" /></a></div></div><br /><br /><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgnuaOzQibDaL9F7BMYGS9NqsbU2FmLyWTPbW3im0LeZhwHxZSbPgfTQI5RAZBwe_qLwAgR3A1zjr1AtnXyrisljnlY1WPM8G-xXJghhYu7YYEjduF09riSmV-JW0XgyxsYzNjWiouiCeY/" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" data-original-height="176" data-original-width="468" height="120" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgnuaOzQibDaL9F7BMYGS9NqsbU2FmLyWTPbW3im0LeZhwHxZSbPgfTQI5RAZBwe_qLwAgR3A1zjr1AtnXyrisljnlY1WPM8G-xXJghhYu7YYEjduF09riSmV-JW0XgyxsYzNjWiouiCeY/" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj4mil-hOsKeRU3rGbJDvkTgl0CUwGjFqsvaisuSF4I2BNUc9DgJWjqzrFHVnQkLq1tGBE80BNpxKX3oOewfmkJyAhoijTxuDQ2iCIPGi7Ki2S8EuwFDkIOgLSRz16dlOIZ954u4lFgNHo/" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" data-original-height="249" data-original-width="468" height="170" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj4mil-hOsKeRU3rGbJDvkTgl0CUwGjFqsvaisuSF4I2BNUc9DgJWjqzrFHVnQkLq1tGBE80BNpxKX3oOewfmkJyAhoijTxuDQ2iCIPGi7Ki2S8EuwFDkIOgLSRz16dlOIZ954u4lFgNHo/" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi009Dc-kgZZ3xlGFTWc5lI2K8Sf-sFZveggy-M3NqNWH24CucDLFObYI9U9LmbBfDC8eYJDkuuMfgA3MVXsRCdzlnSKEgeoc855K53cc0vOyU8pxavmCp8r1KnF6zCwd4wG1XMwUId6Lk/" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" data-original-height="278" data-original-width="468" height="190" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi009Dc-kgZZ3xlGFTWc5lI2K8Sf-sFZveggy-M3NqNWH24CucDLFObYI9U9LmbBfDC8eYJDkuuMfgA3MVXsRCdzlnSKEgeoc855K53cc0vOyU8pxavmCp8r1KnF6zCwd4wG1XMwUId6Lk/" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiFNTqqFf42MfhoPfXwE-7FqsrMDEUvN4jvc49obtt2V_qmiDrSsktArDb_gZVpA8Qyj1zPbrY4uatQlKrVZyk0gpzJFnMKtPCW3Jk4ZNtrW1tow7OA4x87100YdleQgfevFPhyphenhyphen45OkS3I/" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" data-original-height="381" data-original-width="468" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiFNTqqFf42MfhoPfXwE-7FqsrMDEUvN4jvc49obtt2V_qmiDrSsktArDb_gZVpA8Qyj1zPbrY4uatQlKrVZyk0gpzJFnMKtPCW3Jk4ZNtrW1tow7OA4x87100YdleQgfevFPhyphenhyphen45OkS3I/" width="295" /></a></div><br /><br /></div><br /><br /></div><br /></div><br /><br /></div><br /></div><br /><p></p>mayahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11096969342243180481noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-436955389969333409.post-65557609922597742352016-10-19T13:31:00.003-02:002016-10-19T13:35:22.994-02:00My second pregnancy<br />
<div>
<u>But now it's June 30 and no period...</u></div>
Part of me wants it<br />
<div>
Part of me doesn't.</div>
<div>
It will always be so.</div>
<div>
I will never be able to be 100% anything.</div>
<div>
so let go of that fear,</div>
<div>
Not wanting it doesn't mean you don't want it, get it?</div>
<div>
One doesn't cancel the other out.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<u>July 1st - The day two pink lines showed up on the stick</u></div>
<div>
I feel full. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
It's all been different (so far) and I couldn't be more grateful</div>
<div>
It's like this baby exudes <u>calm. </u></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
When I focus on little embryo-fish…</div>
<div>
All curled up in his lenti-sized self with no eyes, arms, legs…</div>
<div>
I can't feel scared of it.</div>
<div>
I want to protect it and just be me and him. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<u>September - </u></div>
<div>
Tummy's getting big and round….</div>
<div>
Big and round.</div>
<div>
I feel baby's little flutters, wild kicking which for now only feels like ripples and later will feel like a log wedged in my ribs. <u>I remember well. </u></div>
<div>
<u><br /></u></div>
<div>
Baby - you're so little now, you'd fit int he palm of my hand. </div>
<div>
<u>I don't know how you fit in my life yet, it bewilders me. </u></div>
<div>
I'm trying to carry on as normal.</div>
<div>
I wonder how long I can pull that off. </div>
<div>
Who are you?</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<u>January</u></div>
<div>
We have chosen her name: Violet, or Violeta here in the South.</div>
<div>
Cora and Violeta. I can imagine her little newborn face.</div>
<div>
She's a Violet.</div>
<div>
I can see her older, wavy thick hair, she's a Violet.</div>
<div>
Sweet strong child.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<u>February 23</u></div>
<div>
I am now on a hot water bag, escalda-pé, massage, floral de bach, buscopan, and synthroid and nexium and cloridrato de sertralina and showers and birthing bal and short walks and yoga regime. And lots of doula-love. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Violet, we are ready for you!</div>
<div>
Can't wait to meet you.</div>
<div>
Can't wait to sleep belly DOWN</div>
<div>
or even UP again. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<u>Letter to Violet the night before she was born</u></div>
<div>
Violet, this last month has been a steep learning curve, learning to ride the waves of "what is", of feeling everything from despair, faith, giddiness, boredom, love for your cheeks.</div>
<div>
I know i'm scared about us becoming four, about leaving my baby Cora "behind", turning that page…</div>
<div>
Because it does make my heart ache. But I realized yesterday, things have already changed. She's known that for a while. I'm scared of letting her go, opening room for you. But we have to turn the page, which in fact has already been turned. This whole pregnancy has been an intermediary chapter…and I'm tired of being in the middle.</div>
<div>
Life is urging us to move on.</div>
<div>
I've had 10 months to say goodbye to Cora baby, and she's done a good job of growing up some more.</div>
<div>
Her destiny, like yours, will be to grow into her own person, away from me, but, God willing, with me somewhere around.</div>
<div>
I know she will be the best big sister for you. She will cherish you, be eager to participate. She is eager and full of teachings.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
You can come, love. </div>
<div>
There is a home, a bed (several!), laps, milk, warmth and love on this side. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjhDnSNfBRrssr5dhmfOc77e2QLIwQlBQpu4qaCqH8I79eIEVHpH5GZzMp_RnyYZdQz-3Hymbk_HjNzDN60nUVLFQUWA7pDh49t9h8Z1yFfb23PCOUAEu6aBNJtzMhW0NKFIRg2YBStoE4/s1600/IMG-20160919-WA0006.jpeg" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjhDnSNfBRrssr5dhmfOc77e2QLIwQlBQpu4qaCqH8I79eIEVHpH5GZzMp_RnyYZdQz-3Hymbk_HjNzDN60nUVLFQUWA7pDh49t9h8Z1yFfb23PCOUAEu6aBNJtzMhW0NKFIRg2YBStoE4/s320/IMG-20160919-WA0006.jpeg" width="180" /></a></div>
mayahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11096969342243180481noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-436955389969333409.post-90148113629211694282016-10-19T00:14:00.000-02:002016-10-19T00:14:30.024-02:00I had to let goI caught myself feeling "at home" today.<br />
I caught myself forgetting BSB<br />
I caught myself loving the familiarity with these streets, the streets that contain this phase of my life<br />
It was a curious and very welcome feeling<br />
Like letting go of a balloon and watching it disappear<br />
into an undistinguishable dot in the sky<br />
That moment when you're not sure if you can still see it<br />
or if it's a speck in your eye, a vague memory.<br />
I had to let go.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgsd7OQPedUEagJRu6yy75bvSQhDdkiwmrBvd6gtgJrAZzysZeA831iSKk_8AlnV_-3tA7b8h4ULpTsJNix8q1ZGqa2O09OpjLMZH3dGBoyMt7NRV2qppu0sH4XMvqLfSfG2pFdt39727A/s1600/636x460design_01.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="231" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgsd7OQPedUEagJRu6yy75bvSQhDdkiwmrBvd6gtgJrAZzysZeA831iSKk_8AlnV_-3tA7b8h4ULpTsJNix8q1ZGqa2O09OpjLMZH3dGBoyMt7NRV2qppu0sH4XMvqLfSfG2pFdt39727A/s320/636x460design_01.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />mayahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11096969342243180481noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-436955389969333409.post-82747604104093242482016-10-15T07:27:00.000-03:002016-10-15T07:27:40.179-03:00On bleeding and stoppingThere are days like these when I feel the bleeding stop.<br />
That inner bleeding that threatened me so frequently over the last weeks, months.<br />
Every now and then, there comes a day like this and gives me survival,<i> sobrevida.</i><br />
Sometimes these days turn into trampolines and the hemorrhaging stops long enough<br />
enough to make my blood counts go up again, create reserve assets.<br />
<br />
When I feel like myself, I can be exhausted, I can be in pain, I can be sick - but I am not threatened by any of it. That's the biggest difference.<br />
<br />
When I'm beside myself - the smallest things make the bleeding start up and make me fear for my life.<br />
<br />
The metaphor takes a real concrete turn when I remember the hemorrhages I had in both my births - three total. The feeling of having the life dripping out of me was one of the most powerless moments I have experienced. Just watching, just feeling…not knowing how or when my body would react and make it all stop and get better.<br />
<br />
Feeling thankful.mayahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11096969342243180481noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-436955389969333409.post-8247683856452648282016-10-11T15:11:00.001-03:002016-10-11T15:15:04.374-03:00Never entirely home<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjIw1TynoW1ut2sTqg_D1QBWH3p7D94P3hZVSTNqpZwnsh7ZVm7OlHa0zncdVH_qm_hGEGHVpGEI5lu_5d8UpXOAmiofqq7BRSrQKLnFmMp5RQ2yXvVNLxGZfjOT664sM9lOdi-4xcD7_s/s1600/butterfly-heart.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjIw1TynoW1ut2sTqg_D1QBWH3p7D94P3hZVSTNqpZwnsh7ZVm7OlHa0zncdVH_qm_hGEGHVpGEI5lu_5d8UpXOAmiofqq7BRSrQKLnFmMp5RQ2yXvVNLxGZfjOT664sM9lOdi-4xcD7_s/s1600/butterfly-heart.jpg" /></a></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
Since as soon as I remember<br />
<div>
There has always been another place, </div>
<div>
I have never been entirely home.</div>
<div>
There has always been a piece, missing.</div>
<div>
A home, away.</div>
<div>
A long distance call to make. </div>
<div>
It got better when I settled down, the past becoming just that….</div>
<div>
Till up we went and moved again<br />
<br /></div>
<div>
My world came crumbling down.<br />
<br /></div>
<div>
Be patient, I say </div>
<div>
Be kind. These are the hair fractures that can heal with time, </div>
<div>
Like that time you bumped your toe in the same place you had bumped it before and it hurt like hell,<br />
but passed.</div>
<div>
Or they can become like that other time, when the nail plain popped out from off my toe</div>
<div>
And all went black. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
mayahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11096969342243180481noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-436955389969333409.post-27544944823050016722016-03-27T15:59:00.002-03:002016-05-09T21:06:09.211-03:00Relato de Parto da Violeta - VBAC - Parto humanizado hospitalar<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="PT-BR" style="mso-ansi-language: PT-BR;">Para contar a história do parto da
Violeta, tenho que começar com o parto da minha primeira filha, Cora. Tende a
ser assim, não é? Tudo conectado e relacionado. O contexto de um parto nunca
pode ser subestimado. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="PT-BR" style="mso-ansi-language: PT-BR;">Em resumo, pois a história é longa: Foi uma gravidez inicialmente
conturbada, pois implicou na mudança de status de todo mundo – de dois
namorados que moravam na casa dos pais para uma mãe e um pai morando em um novo
apartamento juntos assumindo todas as responsabilidades de uma família de uma
só vez. Mas estávamos prontos para esse passo, a gravidez nos deu o empurrão
necessário. <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="PT-BR" style="mso-ansi-language: PT-BR;">Minha saúde estava perfeita a gravidez inteira e eu sabia desde o começo
que queria um parto domiciliar. Fui atrás de indicações e fiquei com as
primeiras pessoas que encontrei, uma equipe de enfermeiras obstetras. Achei a
Caren, que respeitava a escolha. Como doula, escolhi uma amiga querida minha
que me ajudou a lidar com a gravidez desde o princípio. A escolha do PD não foi
tranquila para todo mundo da familia, passei muito tempo tendo que conversar,
explicar, marcar encontros... O trabalho de parto foi longo, gradual, durando mais de 24 horas. No
final, com 10 cm de dilatação, não sentia vontade de fazer força e a
exaustão foi tomando conta...o que culminou numa transferência e meu pedido de
cesárea pois não conseguia tentar mais. Não sei se foi uma cesárea necessária
ou não, e ficaram muitas coisas mal-resolvidas entre todos envolvidos... <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="PT-BR" style="mso-ansi-language: PT-BR;">Dessa vez, eu pensei, vai ser
diferente. Eu vou achar pessoas com as quais realmente tenho afinidade, não vou
ter medo de explorar diferentes opções para o pré-natal, e não vou ter medo de
dizer não se eu sentir que algo não está legal. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="PT-BR" style="mso-ansi-language: PT-BR;">De cara, assim que descobri a
gravidez, sabia que marcaria a consulta com a Dra. Caren. Não tive dúvidas. Ela
tinha acompanhado a primeira gravidez, mas não o trabalho de parto, e fez a
cesárea. Eu precisava dela presente, como uma continuação da história que não
havia se fechado ainda. Ela me acolheu como se o tempo não tivesse passado, e
dessa vez eu consegui me abrir muito mais, confiar muito mais. Desde o começo
ela se mostrou confiante na possibilidade do parto normal, nunca me dissuadiu
da ideia ou deu a entender que era algo absurdo de se pensar. E o mais
importante, ela sabia da importância dessa segunda chance para mim e adotou a
causa. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="PT-BR" style="mso-ansi-language: PT-BR;">A gravidez foi relativamente
tranquila, em outro ritmo da primeira, justo pq nossa vida já estava em
andamento, tínhamos nossa famíia, casa, rotina, trabalhos…a gravidez foi um
detalhe a mais que encaixou na história que continuava a fluir, não foi como da
primeira vez, onde tudo parou e deu um salto mortal de cabeça pra baixo. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="PT-BR" style="mso-ansi-language: PT-BR;">O primeiro trimestre passou sem que
eu conseguisse pensar (ou sentir) muito em parto, ou preparação para o parto,
ou se seria domiciliar ou não, ou com quem seria. Ao mesmo tempo que procurei a
Caren, procurei a equipe de PD Luz de Candeeiro, pois eu havia feito vinculo
com elas no final da gravidez da Cora e elas me ampararam no pós-parto, me
escutando e encaminhando para conseguir mais ajuda e apoio. Achei natural que
elas seriam a escolha para a segunda rodada. Cheguei a ir duas vezes nas
consultas…elas foram muito ponderadas, disseram para eu não tomar uma decisão
rápido, dar tempo para o parto ir se construindo dentro de mim. Uma coisa ficou
clara de cara.. não dava para ter as duas equipes – Caren e Luz de Candeeiro –
eu teria que escolher um caminho ou outro. E quanto mais eu pensava na ideia de
NÃO ter a Caren no parto, mais meu coração apertava. Então eu respirei fundo e
decidi acreditar nessa intuição – por mais que o PD fizesse sentido racional, o
hospitalar (por ser com a Caren), fazia sentido pro meu coração. Então entrando
pro segundo trimestre, a decisão estava tomada. Caren e pronto. Agora precisava
achar minha doula.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="PT-BR" style="mso-ansi-language: PT-BR;">Com ajuda de uma amiga que estava
fazendo o curso de formação de doulas, fui parar numa roda de gestantes da
Adele (doula). Tive dificuldade de me conectar ao tema, uma resistência grande.
Mas aos poucos fui me vinuclando àquele grupo, à Adele… Acho que não faltei
mais nenhum sábado depois daquele, assídua! Decidi rapidamente que queria a
Adele como minha doula. Achei ela tão bem-informada, sensata, pé no chão, alguém
que acreditava no parto normal, com boa energia, mas que <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>também entendia as variações do normal (ou
seja, não romantiza demais ou acha que só existe um resultado ideal). Era isso
que eu precisava! Alguém que me apoiaria para o que desse e viesse, que se
fosse para ter outra cesarea, me forneceria o mesmo amparo e carinho. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="PT-BR" style="mso-ansi-language: PT-BR;">E assim minha equipe se fechou –
Adele e Caren, simples e sem grandes problemas de ter que lidar com a família
(as palavras obstetra e hospital acalmam geral – ao contrario de parteira e
casa!!). E sinceramente, eu percebi que eu não fazia questão de um parto
domiciliar, eu queria um <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">parto</i>! Meu
medo e resistência ao hospital haviam sumido. Uma parte de mim até se sentia
mais segura com a ideia do hospital. Incrível como as coisas mudam em nossas
vidas. No início desses encontros, não conseguia acessar mais o parto da Cora.
Eu contava e recontava a história e aos poucos, algumas fichas foram caindo,
algumas visões foram mudando e quando consegui rever as fotos e os vídeos,
finalmente a enxurrada de emoções saiu. Pude chorar algumas coisas, expressar
medos, raiva, indignação, perguntas que haviam se calado e que voltavam com
força total. Com a ajuda da Caren, Adele, e outros personagens que entraram na
história no meio do caminho consegui chegar a um lugar onde eu realmente sentia “essa é outra história. A
da Cora foi o da Cora, agora está tudo diferente. Eu estou diferente, o momento
de vida, essa bebê, essa gravidez, a assistência que escolhi...está na hora de
seguir adiante!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="PT-BR" style="mso-ansi-language: PT-BR;">Os pródromos: <o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7vUDDgULvk77WMauCxHKKuVGiSTMtMFIW03kmGPtMTZQKsWEdYQZ_YwecrbBgd7_vbM2z1-O0kGQ2LZ_-1uZGqu9UreJFaco0nrWe2Ann8-Du5WuDvt5lSKUjIVKW4oaT26yMjE9rEy4/s1600/12507281_10208395163820655_8814359773947656895_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7vUDDgULvk77WMauCxHKKuVGiSTMtMFIW03kmGPtMTZQKsWEdYQZ_YwecrbBgd7_vbM2z1-O0kGQ2LZ_-1uZGqu9UreJFaco0nrWe2Ann8-Du5WuDvt5lSKUjIVKW4oaT26yMjE9rEy4/s320/12507281_10208395163820655_8814359773947656895_n.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">é…acho que estamos no 3o trimestre</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="PT-BR" style="mso-ansi-language: PT-BR;">Cheguei na 36a semana e comecei a
sentir muitas cólicas e contrações leves, que iam e vinham. Os famosos
pródromos. As vezes chegavam a ser tão fortes que eu podia jurar que estava
entrando em TP latente…mas não era. Foi uma espera longa, por vezes sofrida
emocionalmente (haja resiliência para lidar com tanta expectativa e “falsos
alarmes”) e por algum motivo, na minha cabeça, a gravidez já tinha acabado. E
nem estava perto da 40a semana! Tive que trabalhar isso dentro de mim muitas
vezes. Parava de trabalhar aí decidia que não podia parar tudo, retomava o
trabalho. Me cansava, parava...tinha certeza que ia acabar...mas mais uma
semana ia e vinha. Eu estava muito agoniada, cada dia era uma eternidade,
parecia. Chorava fácil, me irritava mais fácil ainda…Chegando na semana 38,
comecei a fazer uso do Buscopan pq não aguentava mais ficar sentindo dor sem
que fosse o TP… Junto com a Caren fomos avaliando se talvez não fosse o caso de
começar a fazer umas intervenções, só para que a ansiedade não tomasse conta de
mim. Aceitei de bom grado.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="PT-BR" style="mso-ansi-language: PT-BR;">Então começamos, perto das 40a
semana, a fazer descolamento de membrana (a primeira tentativa não deu certo, o
colo estava muito fechado e foi dolorido demais)…Na semana seguinte já deu para
fazer o descolamento, estava com 2 cm e o colo apagado mais um pouco. Também
fiz acupuntura para ver se ajudava…e mais uma semana se passou. Chegamos na
semana 41. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="PT-BR" style="mso-ansi-language: PT-BR;">A essa altura eu estava quase em
pânico, pensando que não ia entrar em TP nunca e que o parto era um sonho que
não ia se realizar. Montamos um plano para aquela última semana, começando com
mais um descolamento, mais acupuntura, e depois monitoramento e exames para
verificar o bem-estar da Violeta, e se necessário, uma indução no hospital pouco
antes de completar 42 semanas. O importante era trabalhar o colo do útero, para
que essa possível indução tivesse mais chances de dar certo, já que com uma
cesárea prévia, as opções de indução eram limitadas. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="PT-BR" style="mso-ansi-language: PT-BR;">Lembro que a Caren foi fazer o
último descolamento (que foi bem mais fácil e menos dolorido) e falou com tanta
certeza e energia “Pronto, essa foi sua indução!” que fiquei
impressionada.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Como quem diz: “Fiat Lux!”.
Fui pra casa, fiz mais uma sessão de acupuntura e relaxei. O que eu podia ter
feito, eu havia feito. Eu confiava plenamente na conduta da Caren e mais
importante ainda, eu sabia que ela desejava esse parto também. Se fosse
necessária uma indução, tínhamos feito tudo dentro do possível. Não estava em
minhas mãos…na verdade, nunca esteve. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="PT-BR" style="mso-ansi-language: PT-BR;">Fui dormir aquela noite mais
pensativa, mais centrada. Quando fui pro chuveiro tomar banho a Cora disse, “Isso!
Vai tomar banho para a Violetinha nascer amanhã!” Aquilo me fez rir e fiquei
muito feliz, pois vai que..? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="PT-BR" style="mso-ansi-language: PT-BR;">Aproveitei aquela noite e segui a
sugestão de uma amiga...ela disse para eu escrever uma carta para a Violeta
sobre como eu estava, meus medos, meus pensamentos, tudo...quem sabe não
ajudava? Escrevi, e rapidamente surgiu uma questão que me fez chorar e
chorar...que era o adeus a uma etapa da minha vida, a etapa da minha Cora bebê.
Me dei conta que era preciso virar a página, uma página que já tinha começado a
se virar, 9 meses atrás! Era ilusão achar que já não tinha mudado, que a Cora
já não tinha se dado conta e se adaptado ao seu novo lugar! Era eu que tinha
que dizer adeus e abrir os braços e o espaço dentro de mim para o que estava
por vir. Então silenciosamente disse para a Violeta – agora estou pronta, agora
é sua vez. Pode vir. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span lang="PT-BR" style="mso-ansi-language: PT-BR;"><br /></span>
<span lang="PT-BR" style="mso-ansi-language: PT-BR;"><b>O parto</b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="PT-BR" style="mso-ansi-language: PT-BR;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="PT-BR" style="mso-ansi-language: PT-BR;">Acordei aquela madrugada, dia 9 de março de 2016, às 5 da
manhã sentindo cólicas fortes. Não consegui ficar na cama e fui para a sala onde mais
desperta pude sentir o que estava acontecendo. Eram cólicas fortes que
começaram a ficar regulares...mas como já havia passado por aquilo antes,
fiquei observando e esperando passar....Mas deu 6 da manhã e não haviam
passado. Escrevi uma mensagem para a Adele dizendo que achava estar em trabalho
de parto, mas demorei mais duas contrações antes de enviar, com medo de ser
outro alarme falso. Ela respondeu falando para entrar no banho e esperar
ficarem muito doloridas...fiz exatamente isso enquanto Ezequiel foi na padaria
comprar pão pro café da manhã. Nisso a Cora acordou e aos poucos foi se dando
conta de que a irmãzinha estava nascendo. Ela ficou uma pilha, falando pelos
cotovelos, querendo ajudar.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="PT-BR" style="mso-ansi-language: PT-BR;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="PT-BR" style="mso-ansi-language: PT-BR;">Ativei minha rede de amigas que tinham se comprometido a acender a mesma vela onde quer que estivessem para mandar boas energias pro parto…essa parte foi linda e emocionante. Sabia que ela estavam comigo. </span></div>
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQj8Kt_42x8qBIXHjPmGcPi3Y74PlpXUfp-Ia7XyA9iLvPvnLU1RKkCEERwGbr2znZXHpFRfEPt0TzOkXJJHuh6fMDdWmNiesAg0Iqejj3qvGZJCmpAiHoLk6hlzOeThN5ju0-UbrPAFc/s1600/12801481_10207374558094876_7317189343777207215_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQj8Kt_42x8qBIXHjPmGcPi3Y74PlpXUfp-Ia7XyA9iLvPvnLU1RKkCEERwGbr2znZXHpFRfEPt0TzOkXJJHuh6fMDdWmNiesAg0Iqejj3qvGZJCmpAiHoLk6hlzOeThN5ju0-UbrPAFc/s320/12801481_10207374558094876_7317189343777207215_n.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Rede Materna, ativar!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="PT-BR" style="mso-ansi-language: PT-BR;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="PT-BR" style="mso-ansi-language: PT-BR;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="PT-BR" style="mso-ansi-language: PT-BR;">Avisamos a Caren, que foi acompanhando por
mensagens, orientando que eu comesse, observasse a movimentação da Violeta. Pelo menos consegui tomar um chocolate quente e um sanduíche…calorias que seriam gastas rapidim. Uma
hora depois, mais ou menos, a Adele chegou e àquela altura já estava doendo
bastante, a ponto de provocar vômitos. Era uma contração atrás da outra, com
pouco tempo de intervalo. Lembro da sensação como se uma faca tivesse entrando
nas costas e no pé da barriga. As cólicas já não eram cólicas, ou uma sensação
forte, eram contrações que arrebatavam meu corpo inteiro. A partolândia começou
a tomar conta de mim, uma tonteira, um distanciamento de tudo ao meu redor, ao
mesmo tempo em que estava plenamente ciente. Difícil explicar. Achei meu grito
de guerra rapidamente – Ai ai ai ai aiiiiii..... Às vezes baixinho, as vezes
gritando (ao meu ver! Depois nos vídeos vi que não estava gritando). Mas nunca
em desespero. Eu lembro que quando começava a voltar a contração, eu começava a
pensar negativamente, o tal do “Não!!!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>De novo não!!” mas rapidamente deixava o não para trás e aceitava – e <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>assim foi até o final. O “ai ai ai” era uma
forma de expressar essa aceitação: vai doer, está doendo, está doendo MUITO, e
agora está passando…” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="PT-BR" style="mso-ansi-language: PT-BR;"><br /></span></div>
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi_LADyFJEsN9ed8B90bba_vYOXXzzdnpzF6Qb9Hd47JMYyxBtAX_N9XyLyXLZH6u8KkL-QVONwoNYi3_Z2Hquu49cETxo-EPTV-VCjcunZuoWbvwdfuf4Vazb1p9Q6HxbSnwencxJDfsk/s1600/12596555_10153941158735941_1688786478_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi_LADyFJEsN9ed8B90bba_vYOXXzzdnpzF6Qb9Hd47JMYyxBtAX_N9XyLyXLZH6u8KkL-QVONwoNYi3_Z2Hquu49cETxo-EPTV-VCjcunZuoWbvwdfuf4Vazb1p9Q6HxbSnwencxJDfsk/s320/12596555_10153941158735941_1688786478_o.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">A família no banheiro antes de saírmos</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="PT-BR" style="mso-ansi-language: PT-BR;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="PT-BR" style="mso-ansi-language: PT-BR;">A Adele ajudou apertando o quadril,
que me aliviava muito...ela ensinou o aperto mágico pro Ezequiel e
esses continuaram até o final, sempre que estivesse em uma posição que permitisse
o aperto. Ela me dava água, suco, colocava uma compressa quente na
lombar e sugeriu mais um banho antes de sairmos de casa...tudo era bom!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="PT-BR" style="mso-ansi-language: PT-BR;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="PT-BR" style="mso-ansi-language: PT-BR;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="PT-BR" style="mso-ansi-language: PT-BR;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A Caren pediu para encontrarmos no
consultório, que ficava perto, para ela poder me avaliar e ter certeza que
estava na hora de ir para o hospital. Ela não queria que fossemos parar no
hospital cedo demais, com medo de que isso pudesse fazer o trabalho de parto
parar, ou que o ambiente hospitalar causasse alguma mudança na evolução (ela
conhecendo minha sensibilidade e entendendo a importância do que aconteceu no
parto anterior).<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="PT-BR" style="mso-ansi-language: PT-BR;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="PT-BR" style="mso-ansi-language: PT-BR;">Bastou ela ver que eu não ia conseguir
subir até o consultório, que estava com 8 cm de dilatação (que foi constatado
depois de um exame de toque no carro) e que eu não ia aceitar voltar pra casa,
que decidimos ir logo para o Santa Lúcia. A viagem de carro foi uma mini
tortura. Não tinha posição no banco de trás; eu me contorcia tentando me
ajustar às contrações que ficavam mais forte com cada sacudida do carro, cada
curva, cada pedra no caminho. A Cora estava no banco de trás comigo segurando
minha mão. A certa altura ela começou a gemer quando eu gemia. Isso me fazia
rir no meio da dor, minha linda tão calma e tão apoiadora naquele momento! Era
como se ela acompanhasse partos desde sempre!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg6EZ93Dh3pxkamRNbmSrogWDPtZ9xCkCJsEfzJ7NGvZz4e0y2-eRCX5e6sBianxINQbvyp_4G8_EOXRQP3ANdXot5t5Ry_JzYTHblrQNRVirNTFRiip7RBu9xOZI1ddMn6MoMBny2y7zs/s1600/12674716_10153941158630941_1104554159_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg6EZ93Dh3pxkamRNbmSrogWDPtZ9xCkCJsEfzJ7NGvZz4e0y2-eRCX5e6sBianxINQbvyp_4G8_EOXRQP3ANdXot5t5Ry_JzYTHblrQNRVirNTFRiip7RBu9xOZI1ddMn6MoMBny2y7zs/s320/12674716_10153941158630941_1104554159_o.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Contrações no carro - nada agradável</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="PT-BR" style="mso-ansi-language: PT-BR;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="PT-BR" style="mso-ansi-language: PT-BR;">Chegamos no Santa Lúcia em plena
manhã, por volta das 9 (??) e tivemos que passar pela recepção da emergência
para chegar até os elevadores. A cada dois passos parecia que vinha outra
contração. Foi muito difícil atravessar o saguão, e eu sabia que todos os olhos
estavam em cima de mim, que gemia, vomitava e me contraía sem me segurar. Eu
estava parindo!!! Não era hora de me importar com a opinião de ninguém! Foi
libertador...<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="PT-BR" style="mso-ansi-language: PT-BR;">Por algum motivo o hospital estava
fechado, ou a maternidade? Não lembro ao certo. Não queriam nos deixar subir.
Com a ajuda da Caren e umas apeladas (“então tudo bem nascer aqui embaixo?”)
entramos logo para a sala de parto normal. Já estava bem perto do expulsivo, na
fase de transição. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="PT-BR" style="mso-ansi-language: PT-BR;">Lembro que entrei lá e não abri o
olho até o final. Tudo que existia eram as contrações, meus gritos, e as vozes
de Caren, Adele, Ezequiel e algumas enfermeiras que não registrei. Como disse,
estava longe, mas plenamente ciente de tudo. As sugestões da Caren e Adele eram
registradas e por mais que pudesse doer ou eu sentisse que não fosse conseguir,
no final respirava fundo e conseguia mudar de posição, conseguia deitar para o
toque, conseguia levar a respiração até lá embaixo para oxigenar a Violeta.
Teve uma vez que a Caren não conseguia escutar o batimento dela, mas
era só uma questão de paciência e estava lá, firme e forte - me disseram que ela estava atrás do osso púbico e por isso a dificuldade.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgabrkmDBIjKjvowvZ2abWRqkaNaMdXxmhh6uaOL-KgCcUwtsmgcSDoRitGMTFiGP72C6q0dlShVkWDlVO_tN4D4CpCn3DHXWMNGDP_OgQldc0DbI3bOgYCA7PPhva9y4NrwT8Rh35sXGc/s1600/12842429_10153941159895941_263976104_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgabrkmDBIjKjvowvZ2abWRqkaNaMdXxmhh6uaOL-KgCcUwtsmgcSDoRitGMTFiGP72C6q0dlShVkWDlVO_tN4D4CpCn3DHXWMNGDP_OgQldc0DbI3bOgYCA7PPhva9y4NrwT8Rh35sXGc/s320/12842429_10153941159895941_263976104_o.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Caren "sentada para o parto normal!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="PT-BR" style="mso-ansi-language: PT-BR;">Não sei dizer o tempo, mas logo
depois comecei a perceber que no final da contração, se eu fizesse uma força
consciente de cocô (cocô MESMO, sem vergonha, sem medo!) eu começava a sentir
alívio e a vontade ficava mais forte. Lembrava de tudo que havia escutado nas
palestras, nas rodas, nos relatos de parto – sabia exatamente que era o começo
dos puxos. Doía tanto mas eu sentia tanta felicidade de saber que tudo estava
evoluindo tão rápido e tão bem!! Eu lembrava da Adele falando da hora da
covardia, que é quando começamos a questionar se realmente damos conta, e que
isso queria dizer que estava muito perto de acabar...então com cada desespero
que queria tomar conta (vontade de pedir analgesia, vontade de desistir,
questionamentos sobre se eu dava conta mais) eu transformava aquilo em algo
positivo – “se eu estou querendo desistir, se eu acho que não aguento mais, é
porque está quase nascendo!!!”. Se eu me permito rachar de dor, eu me permito
abrir, eu permito que a Violeta passe por mim. Então fiquei num misto de dor,
suor, cansaço e sorrisos internos, pensando em todas as pessoas que estavam
vibrando por mim, pensando na minha felicidade de estar acompanhada por pessoas
que me queriam tanto bem e que eram tão competentes....E a cada “você está indo
muito bem, Maya” “é isso mesmo” e outras frases de apoio, orientação e
incentivo, eu sorria ainda mais por dentro. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiAey-lBQi-EWtw8lHLiiAkNSmnHqT1KztCrkmqr4Pl-gyxu5McCv4gHAaBJHcSi-HTjlGjhNLH44_4Kwi-QVrDw_OC3GnfcOBUk1yvh6IHBnDqhyphenhyphenIsSJAdraB9qQAOSmbcSSnHGrcvr7I/s1600/12842664_10153941159900941_250999023_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiAey-lBQi-EWtw8lHLiiAkNSmnHqT1KztCrkmqr4Pl-gyxu5McCv4gHAaBJHcSi-HTjlGjhNLH44_4Kwi-QVrDw_OC3GnfcOBUk1yvh6IHBnDqhyphenhyphenIsSJAdraB9qQAOSmbcSSnHGrcvr7I/s320/12842664_10153941159900941_250999023_o.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Em algum lugar estava sorrindo por dentro… :)</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="PT-BR" style="mso-ansi-language: PT-BR;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="PT-BR" style="mso-ansi-language: PT-BR;">No final, foi sugerido a banqueta,
pois os puxos na maca não estavam tão eficientes. O Ezequiel ficou atrás de mim
e me apoiei totalmente. A mão dele era extensão da minha e ele pode sentir a
força do terremoto que trazia Violeta ao mundo. A bolsa estourou em cima da
Caren em outro toque...xuáá! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="PT-BR" style="mso-ansi-language: PT-BR;">Desse modo busquei energia para cada
puxo, para cada força que fazia...e me disseram que foi rápido! Quando escutei
a equipe da pediatria entrar, senti mais felicidade ainda, isso queria dizer
que estava perto MESMO! Teve uma hora que a Caren me explicou que ela estava
prestes a sair, para eu não segurar, por mais que desse vontade. Perguntou se
eu queria sentir a cabeça para eu ver que não havia “mais pra onde ir a não ser
fora”. Com uma mistura de pavor e curiosidade coloquei os dedos bem de levo e senti.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="PT-BR" style="mso-ansi-language: PT-BR;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="PT-BR" style="mso-ansi-language: PT-BR;">Não queria aquela história de cabeça
indo e vindo, massageando o períneo, queria que ela saísse!!! Não segurei a
força. Puxos longos, um gemido do fundo da minha alma que ninguém podia segurar
e comecei a sentir a cabeça coroando! Senti direitinho!! Não senti como um
círculo de fogo exatamente, apesar de saber que era isso que estava acontecendo
– sentia como uma pressão tremendo, a pele do períneo se esticando ao máximo
e...PLUFT!! A cabeça saiu! E o resto escorregou para fora e escutei “Nasceu!!” Um
peixe escorregadio foi colocado na minha barriga, ouvi e senti o Ezequiel
chorando de emoção atrás de mim. A Caren foi quem pegou e assim que sentiu o
peso adivinhou “4 quilos!”. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="PT-BR" style="mso-ansi-language: PT-BR;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="PT-BR" style="mso-ansi-language: PT-BR;">A maior sensação? Incredulidade?
Alívio? Não entender como havia conseguido? Que o mais difícil havia passado!!!
Felicidade! Estava vivendo tudo que não tinha conseguido no primeiro parto, um
parto super fisiológico, natural, ritmado. Em meio desse turbilhão, porém,
também senti uma calma tremenda. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Fiquei
com ela no colo, choramingando “a gente conseguiuuuu!!” Não conseguia
acreditar. Logo depois veio o "Acabouuuuu!!" A felidicade era geral, de todos na sala. Tinha sido uma vitória de todos que haviam conseguido re-escrever uma história junto comigo. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="PT-BR" style="mso-ansi-language: PT-BR;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="PT-BR" style="mso-ansi-language: PT-BR;">A pediatra avaliou e nos deixou, não
teve pressa em nos separar. Mas logo veio uma enfermeira ou técnica que pediu
para avaliar, alegando que não podia ficar esperando a tal hora de ouro. Isso
causou um estressezinho, mas eu lembrei que ainda havia a placenta pra nascer e
não fiquei tão incomodada de levarem a Violeta enquanto me concentrava na
próxima etapa do processo. Me colocaram na maca para ficar mais confortável e
logo comecei a sentir muita pressão novamente, como se outro bebê quisesse
coroar. A placenta estava saindo, e com um ajudinha, saiu de uma vez, seguido
de bastante sangue, uma cachoeira! Rapidamente a Caren entrou em protocolo
hemorragia (algo para o qual ela estava pronta, já que havia ocorrido
hemorragia na cesárea da Cora) para prevenir uma situação mais grave. Mas foi o
suficiente para eu descompensar, a pressão caiu e fiquei alguns minutos para me
recuperar, lutando para não perder a consciência, chupando balinha, suco, água,
pirulito...Levei três injeções de oxitocina no bumbum e tinha oxitocina no soro
também. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="PT-BR" style="mso-ansi-language: PT-BR;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="PT-BR" style="mso-ansi-language: PT-BR;">Depois que estabilizei, avaliaram o
períneo e houve somente uma pequena laceração de pele, que levou alguns
pontos.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Bebê grande, expulsivo à jato, e
somente uma pequena laceração de pele! Me senti super vitoriosa. A essa altura
a Violeta estava de volta comigo e o peso se confirmou, 3,990 kilos, 51 cm. Uma
bebezona pronta para a vida. Ela foi classificada como GIG, ou grande para a
idade gestacional, que foi questionado pela equipe, pois ela tinha nascido com
41 semanas e 1 dia. Mesmo assim...protocolos de hospital...tiveram que ficar
monotirando a glicemia dela de tantas em tantas horas (e foi o motivo pelo qual
ficamos duas noites internados em vez de só uma). Mas ela não teve nada e não precisou de complemento em momento algum.</span></div>
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiguJxBE4J41FkNT05H0YSr06VX3hgsfn25pyOhGCRHo_bH_FJ9CufJyAU_jzYWnlnsPZMqY8BHoLCB2eANgEWOZzUPp4zkJZCh9Jv-HKu7ZJz66UNrG4RCz-K9VGD-XyDxuHMzs9ZaifY/s1600/12837571_10153941159755941_1050192420_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiguJxBE4J41FkNT05H0YSr06VX3hgsfn25pyOhGCRHo_bH_FJ9CufJyAU_jzYWnlnsPZMqY8BHoLCB2eANgEWOZzUPp4zkJZCh9Jv-HKu7ZJz66UNrG4RCz-K9VGD-XyDxuHMzs9ZaifY/s320/12837571_10153941159755941_1050192420_o.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Acabou!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="PT-BR" style="mso-ansi-language: PT-BR;">Me lavaram, arrumaram, e fui
para a sala de recuperação enquanto Ezequiel arrumava toda a burocracia da
internação e convênio que não tínhamos tido tempo de fazer antes do parto.
Adele ficou comigo até poder trocar de lugar com ele…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="PT-BR" style="mso-ansi-language: PT-BR;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="PT-BR" style="mso-ansi-language: PT-BR;">Nesse tempo todo, Cora estava com os
avós no hospital, e eles estavam aguardando no apartamento a nossa subida. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="PT-BR" style="mso-ansi-language: PT-BR;">Fiquei com a Violeta embaixo,
completamente enamorada, serena, tendo flashes do parto, tentando entender o
que havia acontecido...e o mais impressionante, me dando conta que ela tinha
uma marquinha na testa no formato de um V! Era mesmo para ser Violeta, nome que
causou tanto vai e vem e dúvidas durante a gestação. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="PT-BR" style="mso-ansi-language: PT-BR;">E foi assim! Simples assim...De tão simples
me deixou encabulada, tentando entender! Não tem muito o que entender além
de: Aconteceu! Consegui! As dúvidas e sabotagens que tinham me atacado durante a
gravidez inteira não tinham mais mérito. Eu também podia parir, eu pude viver
essa experiência! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="PT-BR" style="mso-ansi-language: PT-BR;">Depois de passar por essa
experiência, algumas coisas ficaram bem claras para mim. Por exemplo – não acho
que o parto normal é algo que toda mulher TENHA que viver, não acho que seja assim.
Acho que se for algo que você quer, você devia ter todo o direito de ter as
condições ideais. Você tem que querer, sim, e querer muito! Por que vai doer
mais do que qualquer coisa e se alguma coisa vacilar, é muito fácil aquilo virar
uma experiência traumática ou pedirmos “para sair” Eu pude sentir na pele a
fragilidade do momento – qualquer dúvida, medo, resistência aumentava a dor em
mil por cento...Então imagina se não confiasse nas pessoas ao meu redor?
Imagina se fosse recebida com palavras agressivas? Se não tivesse tido
respeito? O parto já é traumático, no sentido de que seu corpo passa por algo
incrivelmente forte que exige recuperação e tempo para assimilar – agora
imagina se além do trauma “natural”, digamos, ainda haja traumas emocionais,
violência obstétrica, etc.? Me arrepio só de pensar!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="PT-BR" style="mso-ansi-language: PT-BR;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="PT-BR" style="mso-ansi-language: PT-BR;">Então ficou essa lição para mim,
além da libertação de ter conseguido fazer do “meu jeito”, realmente escutando
meu coração (o que não foi fácil) – isso me fortaleceu, pois eu tive a
confirmação de que meu jeito dá certo, também é válido! Que não tem nada
“errado” comigo, ou incompetente...eu faço bebês grandes e tudo bem! Eles
nascem!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="PT-BR" style="mso-ansi-language: PT-BR;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="PT-BR" style="mso-ansi-language: PT-BR;">E são tantas outras lições,
sentimentos...No momento fico com o puerpério que continua a exigir respiração
profunda, fé no futuro (de que é só um momento e vai passar....), recuperação da
anemia que ficou da hemorragia do pós-parto imediato e de outro incidente que
me levou a receber transfusão de sangue (outra história!), ajustes mil aqui em
casa com a família, cada um aprendendo seus novos lugares.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="PT-BR" style="mso-ansi-language: PT-BR;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiyJ-eZ42b8zc4R7u_Ces6jGQ0gZJYhhaWurqeXc4hTNxtp47RgwT58UjHH7WsF52AM_2jr_QxtzdzdEXJVBGksTYV-u9vuc93We7m2DJ_gkIbE0ieDbAD2HQUFTex5udG_MBqI9JnowHo/s1600/10694318_10208766479543316_2089702946647344653_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiyJ-eZ42b8zc4R7u_Ces6jGQ0gZJYhhaWurqeXc4hTNxtp47RgwT58UjHH7WsF52AM_2jr_QxtzdzdEXJVBGksTYV-u9vuc93We7m2DJ_gkIbE0ieDbAD2HQUFTex5udG_MBqI9JnowHo/s320/10694318_10208766479543316_2089702946647344653_o.jpg" width="180" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="PT-BR" style="mso-ansi-language: PT-BR;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></span></div>
<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<o:OfficeDocumentSettings>
<o:AllowPNG/>
</o:OfficeDocumentSettings>
</xml><![endif]-->
<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<w:WordDocument>
<w:View>Normal</w:View>
<w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom>
<w:TrackMoves/>
<w:TrackFormatting/>
<w:PunctuationKerning/>
<w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/>
<w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>
<w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent>
<w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>
<w:DoNotPromoteQF/>
<w:LidThemeOther>EN-US</w:LidThemeOther>
<w:LidThemeAsian>JA</w:LidThemeAsian>
<w:LidThemeComplexScript>X-NONE</w:LidThemeComplexScript>
<w:Compatibility>
<w:BreakWrappedTables/>
<w:SnapToGridInCell/>
<w:WrapTextWithPunct/>
<w:UseAsianBreakRules/>
<w:DontGrowAutofit/>
<w:SplitPgBreakAndParaMark/>
<w:EnableOpenTypeKerning/>
<w:DontFlipMirrorIndents/>
<w:OverrideTableStyleHps/>
<w:UseFELayout/>
</w:Compatibility>
<m:mathPr>
<m:mathFont m:val="Cambria Math"/>
<m:brkBin m:val="before"/>
<m:brkBinSub m:val="--"/>
<m:smallFrac m:val="off"/>
<m:dispDef/>
<m:lMargin m:val="0"/>
<m:rMargin m:val="0"/>
<m:defJc m:val="centerGroup"/>
<m:wrapIndent m:val="1440"/>
<m:intLim m:val="subSup"/>
<m:naryLim m:val="undOvr"/>
</m:mathPr></w:WordDocument>
</xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" DefUnhideWhenUsed="true"
DefSemiHidden="true" DefQFormat="false" DefPriority="99"
LatentStyleCount="276">
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="0" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Normal"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="heading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 9"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 9"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="35" QFormat="true" Name="caption"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="10" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" Name="Default Paragraph Font"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="11" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtitle"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="22" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Strong"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="20" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="59" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Table Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Placeholder Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="No Spacing"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Revision"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="34" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="List Paragraph"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="29" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="30" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="19" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtle Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="21" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="31" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtle Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="32" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="33" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Book Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="37" Name="Bibliography"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" QFormat="true" Name="TOC Heading"/>
</w:LatentStyles>
</xml><![endif]-->
<!--[if gte mso 10]>
<style>
/* Style Definitions */
table.MsoNormalTable
{mso-style-name:"Table Normal";
mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0;
mso-tstyle-colband-size:0;
mso-style-noshow:yes;
mso-style-priority:99;
mso-style-parent:"";
mso-padding-alt:0cm 5.4pt 0cm 5.4pt;
mso-para-margin:0cm;
mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt;
mso-pagination:widow-orphan;
font-size:12.0pt;
font-family:Cambria;
mso-ascii-font-family:Cambria;
mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-hansi-font-family:Cambria;
mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;}
</style>
<![endif]-->
<!--StartFragment-->
<!--EndFragment--><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="PT-BR" style="mso-ansi-language: PT-BR;">Sou extremamente grata às mulheres que
me acompanharam, começando com Caren e Adele e todas as outras que cruzaram meu
caminho ou que já estavam juntas comigo desde antes da gravidez (Rede Materna,
o que dizer de vocês???). Mulheres que juntas me deram força e coragem para
passar pela gravidez e o parto, escrevendo outra história. Também sou grata ao Ezequiel
que acompanhou da forma mais íntima possível o nascimento de sua filha e me
emprestou sua força e solidez no momento mais importante... isso com certeza
serviu para nos aproximar ainda mais. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="PT-BR" style="mso-ansi-language: PT-BR;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="PT-BR" style="mso-ansi-language: PT-BR;">Links para alguns recursos e profissionais que considero muito:</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="PT-BR" style="mso-ansi-language: PT-BR;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="PT-BR" style="mso-ansi-language: PT-BR;">https://adeledoula.wordpress.com</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="PT-BR" style="mso-ansi-language: PT-BR;">http://matriusca.com.br</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="PT-BR" style="mso-ansi-language: PT-BR;">http://birthwithoutfearblog.com</span><br />
<span lang="PT-BR" style="mso-ansi-language: PT-BR;">http://alaya77.blogspot.com.br</span></div>
mayahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11096969342243180481noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-436955389969333409.post-17022873937309172302015-10-05T11:51:00.001-03:002015-10-05T11:51:52.661-03:00Being a successful failure. Or a failing success?<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgpZf5misijpQJll6vtJ3iY77KZCb1U-AEcm8Z6Ut-Dc8Yk1bm64RZuBK8ULG3XCRhg0wQJjkFx1OAfWWvRXzr0FxdrV6z_L4_d6kL2PHPVP2izacGgRBGWCOryypMD5dNROIgr5I-Bg6Q/s1600/woman-without-face-holding-face-on-mask.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="212" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgpZf5misijpQJll6vtJ3iY77KZCb1U-AEcm8Z6Ut-Dc8Yk1bm64RZuBK8ULG3XCRhg0wQJjkFx1OAfWWvRXzr0FxdrV6z_L4_d6kL2PHPVP2izacGgRBGWCOryypMD5dNROIgr5I-Bg6Q/s320/woman-without-face-holding-face-on-mask.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: large;">Hello. Long time to write…I haven't been in the mood with so much going on, the idea of stopping just to write about ME has not been appetizing. But now it is again, because every so often I get the urge to speak out about things, especially things that I feel I can't normally say or tell people, out of shame or just awkwardness. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: large;">Everybody who know me knows that in general, I do pretty well with whatever I set my mind to do. And it all seems to come so "naturally", effortlessly..that is half true, it is easy for me to do lots of things, but the emotional part behind it is everything but. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Do you know what it's like to be successful failure? It mess that whenever I get something right - I don't think, wow, yes! I think, whew, relief! THIS TIME I GOT LUCKY. AGAIN. It always seems to be a matter of luck. And then the FEAR of being discovered as a failure gets worse and worse with each "success". The bar gets set higher and expectations as well, and the fear of disappointing is so great. And any time something does NOT go so great, I take it really hard because after all, it just confirms what I've been trying so hard to hide - i really am a failure! See? When something doesn't go well, I freak out because to me, it feels like I'm being exposed for the fraud that I feel like. This especially </span>applies to the areas of "I'm not really an adult", "I don't really know English THAT well" and even "I'm not a real American…or I'm not a real Brazilian" - and when I got my degree in Psychology, the idea of being an impostor of a psychologist was so terrifying I absolutely abhorred the idea of practicing that profession. The stakes were way too high for me. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: large;">What is this "fraud" syndrome thing? I've read it is a real thing, as in, lots of people feel this way. "Imposter Syndrome" if I'm not mistaken:</span><br />
<br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #1e1e1e; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 25px;"><i>“The beauty of the impostor syndrome is you vacillate between extreme egomania and a complete feeling of: ‘I’m a fraud! Oh God, they’re on to me! I’m a fraud!’ So you just try to ride the egomania when it comes and enjoy it, and then slide through the idea of fraud.” – Tina Fey</i></span><br />
<div style="box-sizing: border-box; color: #1e1e1e; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px; padding: 0px; word-wrap: break-word;">
<i>“The beauty of the impostor syndrome is you vacillate between extreme egomania and a complete feeling of: ‘I’m a fraud! Oh God, they’re on to me! I’m a fraud!’ So you just try to ride the egomania when it comes and enjoy it, and then slide through the idea of fraud.” – Tina Fey</i></div>
<div style="box-sizing: border-box; color: #1e1e1e; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px; padding: 0px; word-wrap: break-word;">
<i>“There are an awful lot of people out there who think I’m an expert. How do these people believe all this about me? I’m so much aware of all the things I don’t know.” Dr. Chan, Chief of the World Health Organization</i></div>
<div style="box-sizing: border-box; color: #1e1e1e; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px; padding: 0px; word-wrap: break-word;">
<i>“I still think people will find out that I’m really not very talented. I’m really not very good. It’s all been a big sham.” – Michelle Pfeifer</i></div>
<div style="box-sizing: border-box; color: #1e1e1e; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px; padding: 0px; word-wrap: break-word;">
<i>“Sometimes I wake up in the morning before going off to a shoot, and I think, I can’t do this. I’m a fraud.” – Kate Winslett</i></div>
<div style="box-sizing: border-box; color: #1e1e1e; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 25px; padding: 0px; word-wrap: break-word;">
<i>“I have written eleven books, but each time I think, <strong style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; word-wrap: break-word;">‘uh oh, they’re going to find out now. I’ve run a game on everybody, and they’re going to find me out.’ “ – Maya Angelou</strong></i></div>
<div style="box-sizing: border-box; color: #1e1e1e; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 25px; padding: 0px; word-wrap: break-word;">
<strong style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; word-wrap: break-word;"><br /></strong></div>
<div style="box-sizing: border-box; color: #1e1e1e; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 25px; padding: 0px; word-wrap: break-word;">
<strong style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; word-wrap: break-word;">FROM: http://startupbros.com/21-ways-overcome-impostor-syndrome/</strong></div>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #1e1e1e; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 25px;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #1e1e1e; font-family: inherit; font-size: large;"><span style="line-height: 25px;">This feeling haunts me, sometimes stronger sometimes almost gone, but always there…It is emotionally draining, one drop of perfectionism at a time, which is not really perfectionism, it's just an attempt to not be discovered. It's really neurotic, totally neurotic - I mean, who are "THEY" and what will they "DISCOVER"? That I, like everyone else, can make mistakes? That in the back stage of doing "a good job" I actually am an ocean of insecurity? How can anyone take me seriously if they find out how much I doubt myself? </span></span><br />
<span style="color: #1e1e1e; font-family: inherit; font-size: large;"><span style="line-height: 25px;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="color: #1e1e1e; font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="line-height: 25px;">I guess this is just a beginning for me of discussing the issue, no conclusion of epiphany. Maybe a start of a conversation with all others who feel like this. Do you feel like a successful failure who </span></span><span style="line-height: 25px;">just</span><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="line-height: 25px;"> gets lucky a lot? How do you deal? How don't you deal? </span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #1e1e1e; font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="line-height: 25px;"><br /></span></span></span>mayahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11096969342243180481noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-436955389969333409.post-40065872591797814352015-08-17T20:13:00.000-03:002015-08-17T20:18:58.830-03:00Being pregnant is tough. There. <br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj5QBFrVeEysFZ6MP5xthH_Ivo04CJjjBKngxdzazePr3-RYiOdXIC8jHuYs_lXJLHTSPrr5noprntRWBL1MvhYRF7qaCTdidip3iM9arhoUhi0KeD1Qoz9eLCpq6aU3p3QhQkvJ1DePjQ/s1600/9months.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="224" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj5QBFrVeEysFZ6MP5xthH_Ivo04CJjjBKngxdzazePr3-RYiOdXIC8jHuYs_lXJLHTSPrr5noprntRWBL1MvhYRF7qaCTdidip3iM9arhoUhi0KeD1Qoz9eLCpq6aU3p3QhQkvJ1DePjQ/s320/9months.png" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
So, week 10 into pregnancy #2. Many things different, many things the same.<br />
First of all, there is nothing very new about the experience, been there, done that, even if each pregnancy is unique, I feel very calm about it, not researching every single development of every single week, or even caring too much about what week I am in, or my tests, or my doctor's appointments. They are details.<br />
And then, many things are the same. The fatigue, the overwhelming feeling that takes over when I realize I am not in control of my body, or that it is reacting in unpredictable ways. The speed of my weight gain terrorizes me, makes me feel ashamed, like I should be doing everything different, or like I just can't get pregnancy right. It really messes with my self-esteem.<br />
I get resentful a lot of the time. Like, why do I have to deal with all of this and everyone else just gets the cute baby to cuddle in the end? And I'M the one who has to see my body morph, vomit, feel sick, stretch, contract, bleed, have mood swings, lose sleep, leak milk, etc. AND listen to endless comments/advice/cautionary tales/opinions/reprimands/what I should do/what I should't do, it is an invasion, a very very culturally accepted invasion. What is it about pregnancy that says "HEY, I AM A PUBLIC BODY NOW, please feel free to comment!" :(<br />
It makes me VERY protective of my own self. Like it's me against the world. I'm trying hard to work with this feeling, so I don't get too hostile or down on myself, but it's tough. Engrained in my cells. I feel like preserving this baby and myself as much as possible, for once it's out in the world, it gets harder and harder to preserve a baby, especially as they grow and make it a point of getting muddled in the world. That is the whole point, after all, and it's great when it happens, but for now, you are deep in my insides and I hold you close as if holding myself close, for that is the nature of the symbiosis that we are.<br />
<br />
I hope I can get into a less messy place, but something tells me that pregnancy was never meant to be "clean" or all pink and rosy. But maybe just a little more peace and inner calm?mayahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11096969342243180481noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-436955389969333409.post-68782348952695340172015-01-20T18:44:00.003-02:002015-01-20T18:44:57.814-02:00Back to School...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8828QUcX05uNFibCa6U6O_S_nzr17d1CkzPJdkkiLeTFGFOJ0dwb2B_jX6AP7MV_PEWDzhGHfDTe-XPDyurJlqtRZec5AlaJGgTCIoPSSD9dhUqLWJbBpCkhLBg08QFAn_g6bodjvkkA/s1600/o-BACK-TO-SCHOOL-facebook.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8828QUcX05uNFibCa6U6O_S_nzr17d1CkzPJdkkiLeTFGFOJ0dwb2B_jX6AP7MV_PEWDzhGHfDTe-XPDyurJlqtRZec5AlaJGgTCIoPSSD9dhUqLWJbBpCkhLBg08QFAn_g6bodjvkkA/s1600/o-BACK-TO-SCHOOL-facebook.jpg" height="160" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My daughter will be starting preschool in four days. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Several strange sensations come and go. <o:p></o:p></div>
<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<o:OfficeDocumentSettings>
<o:AllowPNG/>
</o:OfficeDocumentSettings>
</xml><![endif]-->
<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<w:WordDocument>
<w:View>Normal</w:View>
<w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom>
<w:TrackMoves/>
<w:TrackFormatting/>
<w:PunctuationKerning/>
<w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/>
<w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>
<w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent>
<w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>
<w:DoNotPromoteQF/>
<w:LidThemeOther>EN-US</w:LidThemeOther>
<w:LidThemeAsian>JA</w:LidThemeAsian>
<w:LidThemeComplexScript>X-NONE</w:LidThemeComplexScript>
<w:Compatibility>
<w:BreakWrappedTables/>
<w:SnapToGridInCell/>
<w:WrapTextWithPunct/>
<w:UseAsianBreakRules/>
<w:DontGrowAutofit/>
<w:SplitPgBreakAndParaMark/>
<w:EnableOpenTypeKerning/>
<w:DontFlipMirrorIndents/>
<w:OverrideTableStyleHps/>
<w:UseFELayout/>
</w:Compatibility>
<m:mathPr>
<m:mathFont m:val="Cambria Math"/>
<m:brkBin m:val="before"/>
<m:brkBinSub m:val="--"/>
<m:smallFrac m:val="off"/>
<m:dispDef/>
<m:lMargin m:val="0"/>
<m:rMargin m:val="0"/>
<m:defJc m:val="centerGroup"/>
<m:wrapIndent m:val="1440"/>
<m:intLim m:val="subSup"/>
<m:naryLim m:val="undOvr"/>
</m:mathPr></w:WordDocument>
</xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" DefUnhideWhenUsed="true"
DefSemiHidden="true" DefQFormat="false" DefPriority="99"
LatentStyleCount="276">
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="0" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Normal"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="heading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 9"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 9"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="35" QFormat="true" Name="caption"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="10" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" Name="Default Paragraph Font"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="11" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtitle"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="22" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Strong"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="20" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="59" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Table Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Placeholder Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="No Spacing"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Revision"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="34" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="List Paragraph"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="29" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="30" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="19" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtle Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="21" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="31" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtle Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="32" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="33" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Book Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="37" Name="Bibliography"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" QFormat="true" Name="TOC Heading"/>
</w:LatentStyles>
</xml><![endif]-->
<!--[if gte mso 10]>
<style>
/* Style Definitions */
table.MsoNormalTable
{mso-style-name:"Table Normal";
mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0;
mso-tstyle-colband-size:0;
mso-style-noshow:yes;
mso-style-priority:99;
mso-style-parent:"";
mso-padding-alt:0cm 5.4pt 0cm 5.4pt;
mso-para-margin:0cm;
mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt;
mso-pagination:widow-orphan;
font-size:12.0pt;
font-family:Cambria;
mso-ascii-font-family:Cambria;
mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-hansi-font-family:Cambria;
mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;}
</style>
<![endif]-->
<!--StartFragment-->
<!--EndFragment--><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
My first-and-so-far-only daughter will be starting
preschool and I realize it is the dawn of a whole new chapter in our lives. As
simple as preschool seems, I am already inundated by a plethora of school requirements,
and I feel like I am the one being evaluated here, the kids are just a
distraction while the real test takes place: Can you face school all over
again, from the very start? Will you pick the right clothes? Will she have the “right”
brand of toothpaste? All these comparisons, taken to the mommy-level. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I thought this was a done deal when I grabbed my high school
graduation, but I see it all coming back in little increments. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Furthermore, it's a whole new level of parenting choices exposed: the food I send in her snack bag, the shoes I chose for her, the way she deals with separation, with rules, and other adults, other children.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We'll be ok, right?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I am at the least, very, very curious.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Oh my god, what if the teacher is
<i>mean</i>? <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
:P</div>
mayahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11096969342243180481noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-436955389969333409.post-91522353914679510502015-01-11T21:56:00.000-02:002015-01-11T21:56:19.882-02:00No RushNo rush, no rush,<br />
but!<br />
Hush, hush!<br />
No rush.<br />
I am tired of the rush, and I promise, after my body came to a screeching halt this weekend, I realized, this is a sign. I might have eaten something that intoxicated me, but it was a sign nonetheless.<br />
SLOW THE HECK DOWN.<br />
What is the rush?<br />
Cherishing the moments with Cora, her view on life, her kisses and silliness, what's the rush? It'll change on its own, so don't wish it away. Let the other stuff fade away into procrastination, into the "I'll do it later", but not my life, her life, the sound of the wind in the trees, the nice feeling of lying on the floor with her watching her fall asleep by herself and her blankie.<br />
<br />
<br />mayahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11096969342243180481noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-436955389969333409.post-77986350777418952832014-11-22T20:37:00.002-02:002016-01-14T21:31:13.886-02:00Birth Story Version 1 of ?, Chapter 1 of ?<div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhwz1Hw9uMA4dqvpvm5sylbGyYeZfljJUQzreJuZUDG2K2AvvKnPY6emfXnt4UiVP_MzkVaCUGtm0_pUqQgENcTu2PAGao8GmvidLtWBXqOEksnvZrax56bXxlHvii6dLtJ4QiN-hWsL5U/s1600/-Fine-Oil-painting-The-Birth-of-Venus-on-ocean-with-waves-and-angels-boys-canvas.jpg_350x350.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="181" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhwz1Hw9uMA4dqvpvm5sylbGyYeZfljJUQzreJuZUDG2K2AvvKnPY6emfXnt4UiVP_MzkVaCUGtm0_pUqQgENcTu2PAGao8GmvidLtWBXqOEksnvZrax56bXxlHvii6dLtJ4QiN-hWsL5U/s1600/-Fine-Oil-painting-The-Birth-of-Venus-on-ocean-with-waves-and-angels-boys-canvas.jpg_350x350.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Taken away to another world, wave after wave</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br /></div>
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
I’m never quite sure if this story is better told in English
or in Portuguese. It was almost entirely lived in Portuguese, if there is such
a thing, but I know that I am able to express things in English that access
parts of me that Portuguese does not. And I am curious, as I have written about
this in Portuguese before, but not in English. Thus, I feel my words may
surprise even myself. Especially myself.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So all right, another birth story. Another one! <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But no, to me it is the only one, the only
birth story to come out of my womb and my 10-month-old ovalish belly. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The end of the pregnancy was as gradual as the waxing bump,
or so it felt. With an initial series of bumpy, stop-and-go crampy days, then a
build-up of doctor’s appointments and serious concerned faces as the “you’ll
probably won’t need our next appointment” turned into “well, now I need you to
come in every other day”…and the “each birth has it’s own schedule” turned into
“why don’t you schedule some acupuncture and let me do this little maneuver here
on your cervix?”…And that 41<sup>st</sup> week <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">dripped</i> by in increments of <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">wait…wait…wait…ping,
pong, ping. </i><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
41 and 1 day.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
41 and 2…<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
41 and 2 and half…<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Every contraction I felt set all systems into full alert and
I had to control my eagerness and joy at the possibility of that being “IT”.
But it never was.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
41 and 2 and three quarters…<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
What happens at 42, I wondered, do I explode? Do I implode?
Desperation starting taking over me, as the words c-section started to hound my
plans for a home birth. “BIG BABY” was another classic. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Perhaps you are diabetic? Let’s just be sure,
let’s submit you to 1000 tests which just happen to be your greatest phobia,
but I’m sure it’ll be fine. And they were.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
BIG BABY, said the ultrasound technician, does your doctor
KNOW about this? I would call her right away! <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
BIG FRICKIN ME, I would retort in my mind, BIG MOM, just
suck it up! But no, of course I said nothing.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So then…<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
41 2 days and 9/10ths….<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Plus a brew of chocolate, cinnamon, ginger, and many other
things that might sound fine separately and in homeopathic doses, but on this
particular Friday evening, was a concoction meant to churn the stomach, taste
buds and eventually, my uterus. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And so it did. The tightening of the belly started up once
more, and once more I had to curb my enthusiasm – be careful, I said to myself,
it could be more of the same…but it wasn’t. One after the other. One, after,
the other. Little waves. No rhythm though, or regular intervals, but they were
there to stay. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Slowly everyone was activated. Husband, check! Doula, check!
Midwives, check! The doula/my good friend came over first and would stay till
the end. One midwife of the pair came to check up on me and perform one of the
maaaaaany checks that would take place over the next X hours. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I can’t even say how much I was dilated (or not dilated),
but it is enough to say that I was still in very early labor, and that she
would only come back once active labor started, after 4cm. So she left, and I
spent that night enjoying my contractions and getting used to that tightening
sensation. Finding positions, finding mind-body connections that helped…I
learned to zone out completely, give in to the pain, and thus I slept during
some intervals, all through the night. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgdQThHhgbXBx3Gtg2QK2dIdrvWo8dFSS6TiaUfeygyn2atsj7om29GAr-ZNqzcfgUB3EBbroyDB83tNXbl0MmSOkvjPePVKsjh7kAnm1IpIHEe2L-kWBY7fORDxlFlOzG5jDmwmY3O3d8/s1600/DSCF0226.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgdQThHhgbXBx3Gtg2QK2dIdrvWo8dFSS6TiaUfeygyn2atsj7om29GAr-ZNqzcfgUB3EBbroyDB83tNXbl0MmSOkvjPePVKsjh7kAnm1IpIHEe2L-kWBY7fORDxlFlOzG5jDmwmY3O3d8/s320/DSCF0226.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">zoning out in early labor</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And then, morning came. Light, sunshine, renewed energy. The
other midwife came and another dilation check. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Some more progress, small, but it was happening. However, we
seemed to have entered the initial stages of active labor, so the midwives took
turns staying with us that Saturday, never leaving us alone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I did not feel discouraged and felt like rolling up my
sleeves and saying, alright, let’s get this started! <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And from here on I have really hard time with the timeline.
Something like this, ready?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
All family and close friends were informed of labor in
progress (as I said, my end of pregnancy had become an issue of concern and
quite the SUSPENSE topic, when will it be, when will it be?? So there was no
one who was not aware that a baby was supposed to be coming out at any moment,
THEREFORE, it was impossible to hide the news, as people called and texted).<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So Ezequiel spent quite some time updating and tranquilizing
people: all is well, labor is progressing, no, no baby yet, all is well, etc,
etc, a loop of the same answers. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And then…pain got worse, I remember lots of throwing up
during contractions. I remember the taste of vanilla ice cream, I remember
straws, I remember honey, I remember the shower, I remember finding perfect
positions on the bed, propped up with lots of pillows…I actually liked lying
down, even though it’s supposedly one of the worst positions. Being on all
fours was unbearable, I remember that too…<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And I remember that evening started encroaching and someone
asked if I wanted another check…and yes I did!! I felt like I was about to get
an A plus after so much hard work..so I lied down and had that horrible check
done and…<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
No change. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
No change.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Hum. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Ok then. That news fell like a ton of bricks, but I did my best to throw the bricks away and remember that time meant nothing, as long as we were well, it meant nothing. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And the messaging got more intense, the phone calls to my
mom, who was beside herself with worry and after a few hours of no updates
thought to herself: Well, that MUST mean the baby has been born!! Of course!
And so she came over unannounced to the apartment, toting my grandma along for
the show. What a disappointment for her to see me still in labor, what a fright
and horrible reaction she had…the entire atmosphere of patience and calm and
concentration started crumbling. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So now there was that. There were my own concerns, my own
process of getting through the contractions, trying to understand what another
night in labor meant, and the concerns of the entire world following me via
text messages. And my mom. And grandma. Who were now also wedged into the
little tiny apartment.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
That night I threw up a loooo-ooot, I remember that, but I
also got back in the zone and was able to forget everybody there. I didn't want
to know about time, time was absolutely relative and irrelevant. I got into my
lying down hypnotic state with pillows everywhere and dove into the pain as
each contraction took over. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
All<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>night<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>long. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And morning came. Again. This was getting old.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
However…<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Sun, light, open windows…<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
one more check…9 cm!<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I remember shouting, <b>Hallelujah!!</b><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yes! <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
There were even broken waters in the middle of another great
heave, gushing with new life. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
All motors started running again, enthusiasm took over all
who had spent the night dozing on and off on the couch and chairs:<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Let’s turn on the incense, put on the red-tinted light bulbs,
fill the bathtub for pain relief and possible birth, this is it, this is IT! <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEheVXFYH0vsUGTd6CsuW9SnCgSW-JzqI_bvj0kQqLXo7tzsmu_FTbzq8cy_nvMnGSeTS01-N8VmtR5G6oi3nvTIxHmF-VXnj5IuBF316blKlfHH5KJFaKO201Ye1zWNlNdOpVrE3O7SlRk/s1600/525113_4699012637258_705053654_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEheVXFYH0vsUGTd6CsuW9SnCgSW-JzqI_bvj0kQqLXo7tzsmu_FTbzq8cy_nvMnGSeTS01-N8VmtR5G6oi3nvTIxHmF-VXnj5IuBF316blKlfHH5KJFaKO201Ye1zWNlNdOpVrE3O7SlRk/s320/525113_4699012637258_705053654_n.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Hope! Fully dilated, tub filled!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
I was ordered out of the apartment to take a walk. Yes, a
walk around the block on a Sunday morning after 2 sleepless nights and an
entire day in labor, still having strong contractions, dripping amniotic fluid,
hair a mess and a ghastly exhausted look on my face. But off I went, if it was
going to help this along, I was going to do it…a very slow and intense walk
around the block…in this absurdly ridiculousely bright sunlight I felt had
nothing to do with my world at that moment. What was that, sunlight? Sunday
morning? I felt like if on another planet completely. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We went back to the apt, and I got in the water, the
wonderful, wonderful warm tub of water. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I was told – hey, from here on, you will start to feel the
urge to push, go with the flow and do what your body tells you, ok? From now on she needs your help, she can't do it by herself! She’s going
to be born!!<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Ok, no problem, go with the flow, go with the flow,<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And yet…<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Where was the flow?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Absolutely no pushing urges. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Ok, that’s ok, it can take a while, they said.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And so some hours went by.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Humm, they said. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Are you sure? No pushing sensations? <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
No...<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Absolutely sure??<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Yes…well, ok..maybe? (I really wanted to be feeling
something, ANYTHING, it seemed to be very important to them)<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
They started teaching me about this so-called-urge, push
down there, breath and push down…Let’s lie on the bed so that we can watch you
do it and see what's going on.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Of course, my mother got nervous once more and paced back
and forth in search of “WHAT SHOULD BE DONE”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>and
what “WAS NOT BEING DONE”. She panicked, basically, and the midwives were
panicking because there was this person questioning their every move and my
labor was not progressing in a form they were familiar with. Nothing was going
as they expected, but since I was still ok, and the baby was still ok, we were
moving on (despite my mother wanting me to go the hospital ASAP. I don't blame her…but it made it tougher). <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Now the IV-part. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
They explained:<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Hey, look, you’ve been in labor a long time, we’re afraid
your uterus might stop contracting due to exhaustion, we better be safe and
hook you up to Pitocin just to get things moving along again (my time in the
tub had seemed to slow everything down).<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
IV? Panic inside me, but hey, if this is what it takes, here
we go, I am not going to be a baby and be afraid at this point, or show my fear.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
IV? <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
PURE HELL. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The contractions came in little block formations, uniform,
one after the other, like punches to my soul. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Punch, punch, punch, no time to breathe. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
With each one I was coached: Breath! Push! Down! Push! More!
There! Breath! Oh – no, not like that! You’re not doing it right! The frustration was palpable, doubt filling the room. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And that lasted a while until I got fed up and exasperated,
how could I be doing it WRONG if it was something that supposedly was an URGE,
something that would take over me so strongly that no earthly force would be
able to stop me? Shouldn't it all be natural?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Where was the urge? And I began doubting the whole process.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The IV was unhooked, I needed to rest, and everyone needed
to regroup. Anxious midwives huddled in corners talking, avoiding my mother who
paced back and forth in her anger and concern. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I went to the bathroom, where Ezequiel tried to give me a
pep talk, about how much I wanted this, about how much we were close (we were
able to see her head during the pushing, but it always scooted back up again
when I was done). He started saying how I was being influenced by my mother and
blablabla, Everything everyone said from there on had become one big drone. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
One flat sound against a flat wall of me not being able to
hear myself anymore. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">There’s no shame in
going to the hospital<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Are you sure you don’t
want to try the IV again?<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">You’re so close! Don’t
give up! <o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">You can’t do this
anymore, you’ve done all you could<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Droningdroningdroning.<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I cried on the toilet, sad, pathetically drenched in sweat, naked and completely tired of caring who saw what or what I looked
like. I felt like the apt had been divided into sides and I was on the verge of
making one side win and the other one lose.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So fed up. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><br />
I wanted it to be over. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I wanted it to be over.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Game over.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Meekly I said –<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">
hospital</i>.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I was met with resistance, I think one of the midwives
almost started crying, Frustrated, confused, mad?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Hospital please. I need this to be over.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I got in the car, feeling nothing at all, numb. I sipped on
my Gatorade and had absolutely no concerns about feeling contractions in the
car, as I knew it was over. And in fact, it was. No more contractions came. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Quick summary of hospital:<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My OBGYN came, so nice, so kind, such a relief amidst all
those worried and tired people who had seen me throw up too many times and had
stuck their hands inside me too many times. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Are you sure, Maya, this is what you want? We can try
Pitocin again. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
No. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I was adamant, I was desperate, we would NOT try that again,
it was absolute agony.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But even so, I think the nurses put it in as protocol (??)
and as soon as I felt the contractions I started shouting like a 2 year old – DESPERATE!! No, no, no, no, what is this?! No, no, take it off, take it off!! I had lost
all self-respect.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And it was off.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And I was gowned. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And I was injected with anesthesia….sweeeeeet anesthesia. I
melted into the inevitable and the relief. Someone take care of it now, I am
done. I put it all in your hands, sweet lady doctor. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Surgery. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Surrealness. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Baby coming out in less than 5 minutes, being shown to me,
me saying “she’s real??” and then baby gone. Me gone. I started shaking, I
started bleeding, I was in whole new world.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Hours later I stabilized. Hours shaking and watching the
world from my horizontal viewpoint, watching Ezequiel pace back and forth with
Cora tightly wrapped in hospital blankets (that’s right, we forgot to pack for
the hospital, we had NOTHING). Grateful I didn’t have to hold her. I just
wanted to lie there and never have to do anything ever again. Much less think
about the fact that there was a baby to care for now. That was completely
un-thinkable at that point.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjDfHmrns5kQfn1vV43F19X-XTuPm0htMzhCJUsZj8KHwhqep7udkkleHh7-LZvnewnFz5W1A1xF-cPIYYdOM94tW_s6we520SfdrkR5CxxvHq_nflVjBzfrk6-nMYI814MxFDdSN3NZVw/s1600/2012-09-30_16-23-14_507.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjDfHmrns5kQfn1vV43F19X-XTuPm0htMzhCJUsZj8KHwhqep7udkkleHh7-LZvnewnFz5W1A1xF-cPIYYdOM94tW_s6we520SfdrkR5CxxvHq_nflVjBzfrk6-nMYI814MxFDdSN3NZVw/s320/2012-09-30_16-23-14_507.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Immediately after birth</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Eventually we went up to the room, and that was the start of
a whole ‘nother story. Breastfeeding began, blood transfusions took place,
pain, pain pain and terrible c-section sensation when getting up, sitting up,
lying down, going to the bathroom, uuughhhH!!)\<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjI-zqsThHCKBx_4HOiSFZQlEJ1knXDO6W0GvWHdLkR2FrKTDdiTt5VubMc1belX1pNf-xxcNUVv6G3e0fl8ODUQP62Eq0jj9f86JDCvj9jmPGezdZEmlrxAWv4y4iXUfho8PRpO8Y9FJM/s1600/2012-10-03_07-26-53_792.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjI-zqsThHCKBx_4HOiSFZQlEJ1knXDO6W0GvWHdLkR2FrKTDdiTt5VubMc1belX1pNf-xxcNUVv6G3e0fl8ODUQP62Eq0jj9f86JDCvj9jmPGezdZEmlrxAWv4y4iXUfho8PRpO8Y9FJM/s320/2012-10-03_07-26-53_792.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Our days at the hospital were pretty much me and this face…exhausted.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
One day I’ll get to chapter 2, as I know the ending has left
many questions and a sense of sadness, but it was sad for me, as well as abrupt
-<br />
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
- so nothing more appropriate.<o:p></o:p><br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjfV4w8C9Vvc0XOGRvDZWdoRIj2QGogJZDvD6515jYnAEMgVLSMyG9f6BJWJ-CH5EeAhzQXVMG89Kr7LmWgZ15op20B_IntJlbfoZwBcTQlyuyL3O0FBoNmw0kbO3Ik89Q4TwGf58QoJX0/s1600/DSCF0397.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjfV4w8C9Vvc0XOGRvDZWdoRIj2QGogJZDvD6515jYnAEMgVLSMyG9f6BJWJ-CH5EeAhzQXVMG89Kr7LmWgZ15op20B_IntJlbfoZwBcTQlyuyL3O0FBoNmw0kbO3Ik89Q4TwGf58QoJX0/s320/DSCF0397.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Just to end with something beautiful, this was the last day at the hospital, ready to go. </td></tr>
</tbody></table>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<o:OfficeDocumentSettings>
<o:AllowPNG/>
</o:OfficeDocumentSettings>
</xml><![endif]-->
<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<w:WordDocument>
<w:View>Normal</w:View>
<w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom>
<w:TrackMoves/>
<w:TrackFormatting/>
<w:PunctuationKerning/>
<w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/>
<w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>
<w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent>
<w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>
<w:DoNotPromoteQF/>
<w:LidThemeOther>EN-US</w:LidThemeOther>
<w:LidThemeAsian>JA</w:LidThemeAsian>
<w:LidThemeComplexScript>X-NONE</w:LidThemeComplexScript>
<w:Compatibility>
<w:BreakWrappedTables/>
<w:SnapToGridInCell/>
<w:WrapTextWithPunct/>
<w:UseAsianBreakRules/>
<w:DontGrowAutofit/>
<w:SplitPgBreakAndParaMark/>
<w:EnableOpenTypeKerning/>
<w:DontFlipMirrorIndents/>
<w:OverrideTableStyleHps/>
<w:UseFELayout/>
</w:Compatibility>
<m:mathPr>
<m:mathFont m:val="Cambria Math"/>
<m:brkBin m:val="before"/>
<m:brkBinSub m:val="--"/>
<m:smallFrac m:val="off"/>
<m:dispDef/>
<m:lMargin m:val="0"/>
<m:rMargin m:val="0"/>
<m:defJc m:val="centerGroup"/>
<m:wrapIndent m:val="1440"/>
<m:intLim m:val="subSup"/>
<m:naryLim m:val="undOvr"/>
</m:mathPr></w:WordDocument>
</xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" DefUnhideWhenUsed="true"
DefSemiHidden="true" DefQFormat="false" DefPriority="99"
LatentStyleCount="276">
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="0" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Normal"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="heading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 9"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 9"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="35" QFormat="true" Name="caption"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="10" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" Name="Default Paragraph Font"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="11" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtitle"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="22" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Strong"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="20" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="59" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Table Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Placeholder Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="No Spacing"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Revision"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="34" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="List Paragraph"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="29" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="30" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="19" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtle Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="21" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="31" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtle Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="32" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="33" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Book Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="37" Name="Bibliography"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" QFormat="true" Name="TOC Heading"/>
</w:LatentStyles>
</xml><![endif]-->
<!--[if gte mso 10]>
<style>
/* Style Definitions */
table.MsoNormalTable
{mso-style-name:"Table Normal";
mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0;
mso-tstyle-colband-size:0;
mso-style-noshow:yes;
mso-style-priority:99;
mso-style-parent:"";
mso-padding-alt:0cm 5.4pt 0cm 5.4pt;
mso-para-margin:0cm;
mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt;
mso-pagination:widow-orphan;
font-size:12.0pt;
font-family:Cambria;
mso-ascii-font-family:Cambria;
mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-hansi-font-family:Cambria;
mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;}
</style>
<![endif]-->
<!--StartFragment-->
<!--EndFragment--><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
mayahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11096969342243180481noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-436955389969333409.post-76939621877599963212014-09-02T23:19:00.001-03:002014-09-02T23:28:25.546-03:00Good Enough<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgG-dtcEr2wxDeiH8B14qECNm1oVYIFxQzRzKRX4RSwGwe8JHCuwzleCWbZZT2ujOokVVN3Fe0X75_3a2duDFnauXoaIaor0jdQN2ntm6gGeUrUANa3n8UpnxM8DshJpzDGJoGsxlMh24I/s1600/35350c2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgG-dtcEr2wxDeiH8B14qECNm1oVYIFxQzRzKRX4RSwGwe8JHCuwzleCWbZZT2ujOokVVN3Fe0X75_3a2duDFnauXoaIaor0jdQN2ntm6gGeUrUANa3n8UpnxM8DshJpzDGJoGsxlMh24I/s1600/35350c2.jpg" height="240" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
There are days where I have to recruit myself to be nice. Something along the lines of, "Hey, come on, be nice to her, say three nice things to her, I think she deserves a break, some mercy from her own self, don't you think?"<br />
<br />
Like I said to my therapist yesterday, I write ten things on my daily to-do list, get 20 things done, then it's 11pm and I put 5 more just to top it off, actually thinking it's possible, or that I am an endless well of energy and resources. No matter the 25 items on the list, I end the day feeling like I'm lacking, still feeling like it's never enough, like I'm pursuing some sort of incredibly elusive white rabbit.<br />
<br />
There's no use making a list of everything that got done today in the effort of making me feel good about myself, it's something that's happening in a place unaffected by lists and their rationale. A place that just looks at distorted images in the mirror and crazy never-ending demands and expectations.<br />
<br />
So out of another place, that which makes me realize how tired I really am, I choose to have a bit more mercy and lay off the never-ending lists.<br />
For tonight, I am enough. I am enough. I do enough, I try enough, I am good enough. And really, there is no enough, that is the real trap and error in thinking. Good night.mayahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11096969342243180481noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-436955389969333409.post-5292076891646712882014-06-30T23:00:00.001-03:002014-06-30T23:01:26.006-03:00Field notes on a bilingual Cora<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #262626;">Lots of people are curious about raising Cora bilingual and find it "sooo cute" when she spits out her interwoven dialect. Here are some notes of how this process has been unfolding, for those who are interested: </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #262626;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #262626; mso-bidi-font-family: "Helvetica Neue";">She’s turning bilingual before our eyes. It used to be she would
only say one name for an object – in whichever language she caught onto first –
so she would say “pé” but not “foot” and “shoe” but not “sapato” that sorta
thing. But this last week I’ve been noticing her “duplicating” her words, so
she’s been saying “grande” as well as “big”- in other words, somewhere in her brain, she has understood that these two words have the same meaning, but work in different systems. I also notice her switch her
language when interacting with me and when I change what language I address her
in. It’s pretty interesting. There’s a whole system in her brain that is
activated and calls up English or Portuguese. However, there are still “holes”
in each language which she covers up by activating the same word in the other
language. In other words, we’ve got a whole tower of Babel situation going on
here, and depending on who’s around her, they do not understand one darn thing.
But I do. I understand it all and am so in love with watching language blooming
for her, and I LOVE being fluent in Cora. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #262626; mso-bidi-font-family: "Helvetica Neue";">She started calling me <i>Mommy</i>, where before she only called me
Mamãe. That was a complete heart-melting moment for me. It’s interchangeable, but I wonder if she’s transitioning to Mommy,
because I call myself Mommy when I talk to her. We’ll see! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #262626; mso-bidi-font-family: "Helvetica Neue";">More loose examples:</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #262626; mso-bidi-font-family: "Helvetica Neue";">Mamãe graaaande, Cuncun, baby!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>She say’s “baby” to mean “little”. Hehe. Cute or what? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #262626; mso-bidi-font-family: "Helvetica Neue";">She’s saying “happy” too, except it’s Appy, because the H sound
is not coming out yet, so that also means that, in Portuguese, she says ATO for
“rato” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #262626; mso-bidi-font-family: "Helvetica Neue";">She says “yes” like “ice”, but more like “eeeesss!!”” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<o:OfficeDocumentSettings>
<o:AllowPNG/>
</o:OfficeDocumentSettings>
</xml><![endif]-->
<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<w:WordDocument>
<w:View>Normal</w:View>
<w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom>
<w:TrackMoves/>
<w:TrackFormatting/>
<w:PunctuationKerning/>
<w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/>
<w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>
<w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent>
<w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>
<w:DoNotPromoteQF/>
<w:LidThemeOther>EN-US</w:LidThemeOther>
<w:LidThemeAsian>JA</w:LidThemeAsian>
<w:LidThemeComplexScript>X-NONE</w:LidThemeComplexScript>
<w:Compatibility>
<w:BreakWrappedTables/>
<w:SnapToGridInCell/>
<w:WrapTextWithPunct/>
<w:UseAsianBreakRules/>
<w:DontGrowAutofit/>
<w:SplitPgBreakAndParaMark/>
<w:EnableOpenTypeKerning/>
<w:DontFlipMirrorIndents/>
<w:OverrideTableStyleHps/>
<w:UseFELayout/>
</w:Compatibility>
<m:mathPr>
<m:mathFont m:val="Cambria Math"/>
<m:brkBin m:val="before"/>
<m:brkBinSub m:val="--"/>
<m:smallFrac m:val="off"/>
<m:dispDef/>
<m:lMargin m:val="0"/>
<m:rMargin m:val="0"/>
<m:defJc m:val="centerGroup"/>
<m:wrapIndent m:val="1440"/>
<m:intLim m:val="subSup"/>
<m:naryLim m:val="undOvr"/>
</m:mathPr></w:WordDocument>
</xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" DefUnhideWhenUsed="true"
DefSemiHidden="true" DefQFormat="false" DefPriority="99"
LatentStyleCount="276">
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="0" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Normal"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="heading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 9"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 9"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="35" QFormat="true" Name="caption"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="10" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" Name="Default Paragraph Font"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="11" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtitle"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="22" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Strong"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="20" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="59" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Table Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Placeholder Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="No Spacing"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Revision"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="34" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="List Paragraph"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="29" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="30" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="19" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtle Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="21" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="31" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtle Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="32" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="33" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Book Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="37" Name="Bibliography"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" QFormat="true" Name="TOC Heading"/>
</w:LatentStyles>
</xml><![endif]-->
<!--[if gte mso 10]>
<style>
/* Style Definitions */
table.MsoNormalTable
{mso-style-name:"Table Normal";
mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0;
mso-tstyle-colband-size:0;
mso-style-noshow:yes;
mso-style-priority:99;
mso-style-parent:"";
mso-padding-alt:0cm 5.4pt 0cm 5.4pt;
mso-para-margin:0cm;
mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt;
mso-pagination:widow-orphan;
font-size:12.0pt;
font-family:Cambria;
mso-ascii-font-family:Cambria;
mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-hansi-font-family:Cambria;
mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;}
</style>
<![endif]-->
<!--StartFragment-->
<!--EndFragment--><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #262626; mso-bidi-font-family: "Helvetica Neue";">Oh, and the best one yet – she’s using “has” – like, Cuncun has
teddy! Before she only said “Cuncun tem” And verbs are starting to gain a past
tense too…she’ll say “biu”’for abriu, or “pegou” “trouxe”…In English she’s not
using that many verbs yet (just has, fall, up and down in the sense of go up and go down, and the beginnings of an "is" before adjectives) so I don't really know yet. But she was using the possessive
s before, but she sorta stopped doing that. Where do these things disappear to? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #262626;">And it's the darndest thing the things she picks up on and how they pop up maaaany days later - I had no idea she had noticed or understood something, and then she goes and uses it spontaneously, I was not actively trying to teach it to her. I can't think of an example right now, but it happens al the time. Oh, "boat" is an example, I think I mentioned it once in a book, not giving it much thought because, hey, it's not like we see boats around our house here, so I thought she wouldn't be able to grasp the concept…but then we went to a place near the lake and she keeps repeating something I can't understand, until FINALLY i get it - BOAT!! She's saying boat and frantically pointing it out! </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #262626;">Every day brings about so many new words and funny new phrases and combinations of languages, that I'm taking it for granted, stopped seeing how amazing that is. I try to always remember and register some of the more noteworthy examples, or just plain cuteness. </span></div>
mayahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11096969342243180481noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-436955389969333409.post-70264542636061273382014-06-11T15:26:00.001-03:002014-06-11T15:26:58.234-03:00You make me a better personBaby girl.<br />
<br />
You make me be a better person. But not for the reasons you might think. Not because I have to be self-less and patient and caring and etc etc…<br />
No…it's because with you I cannot run away from all the darkness deep inside me. I am confronted with it every day, every day. And in order to provide you with the above mentioned patience, caring, time, presence, etc…I have to deal with the darkness. You make me move through it, dance with the shadows, really feel the fear. There is a lot of it. But I realized I can co-exist with fear, I can admit to being afraid and continue breathing, while looking for different paths. Being your mother takes me to this edge, many times over, and it's this edge that is making me grow.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEivj6ofa2U5QpDW9LV-B2FxkRaE2Jb3Yro2oVzwdLml9RY4OKBmpMy7PxnCSebFWkqGPdvpc3vmKbr_hR01XxngHdvK6qKKsR8WI7JJHWJnkkmw78GPv8BLq_ezrmhUoJ7IZT7ahXHarAg/s1600/IMG_20131229_132532_366.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEivj6ofa2U5QpDW9LV-B2FxkRaE2Jb3Yro2oVzwdLml9RY4OKBmpMy7PxnCSebFWkqGPdvpc3vmKbr_hR01XxngHdvK6qKKsR8WI7JJHWJnkkmw78GPv8BLq_ezrmhUoJ7IZT7ahXHarAg/s1600/IMG_20131229_132532_366.jpg" height="240" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />mayahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11096969342243180481noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-436955389969333409.post-37695258565671142632014-05-26T17:34:00.002-03:002014-05-26T17:37:16.867-03:00The waters at 20 months of Cora<br />
I am apparently doing better.<br />
Better put, I am practicing the fine art of resilience. I keep bouncing back, bouncing back, bouncing back.<br />
There are moments, there are days, when I feel like I'm drowning in myself, eternally swimming to keep my nose above water. There are moments, there are days, when things are okay, just floating along perhaps even enjoying the sun. But I would love to get to a beach, really, that would be ideal.<br />
<br />
I get confused easily, dazed easily, my feet not quite on the ground. Or, to keep the metaphor going, floating in a large expanse of some strong liquid which alters my perception of up and down and all around.<br />
<br />
I think so much about mothers, about mothering. I see women on the street with children, and I see how invisible they are, these mothers going about their daily lives. Does anyone ask how they are, what they are going through? Does anyone realize what is happening? I worry about mothers getting enough support, about people speaking out on the issues of motherhood beyond the superficial things we get advice about on sites and blogs and just in every day conversations. In ever woman I see, I see a story that is going unseen. I wish I could do something more than just worry about this.<br />
<br />
So here, at home...<br />
What I have beed doing, Cora-wise, is just taking it a day at a time, and facing this work at home experience as an experiment in early child education. After struggling with the idea of pre-school, no pre-school (and all the strings that come with it - financial, family configurations, cora and mine's emotional selves…) I have backed down from the idea, for now. For now. 2015 will tell another tale, perhaps. Or even next month. I don't know, honestly.<br />
<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgc4f2iVI6o70WRT4HiaCyqdXQfoFgq-SNWhrd8jEi2CMgL0LdsE5iJ21zoITuKskP72LcjT__ImsdULTjSGhf7aa8n241A6jceFvul6q_YwXXQYZ885xMr-sDSLk3x05Oc991T3FlIJec/s1600/10342414_10203939273546183_3629606714703279111_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgc4f2iVI6o70WRT4HiaCyqdXQfoFgq-SNWhrd8jEi2CMgL0LdsE5iJ21zoITuKskP72LcjT__ImsdULTjSGhf7aa8n241A6jceFvul6q_YwXXQYZ885xMr-sDSLk3x05Oc991T3FlIJec/s1600/10342414_10203939273546183_3629606714703279111_n.jpg" height="320" width="320" /></a>So we have at home pre-school…and I feel it helps me keep focused, remember where my feet are and even have fun with the whole thing.<br />
<br />
We paint.<br />
We play with beans and containers, spoons and cups.<br />
We read books.<br />
We eat. We snack. We experiment with new foods.<br />
We practice our English.<br />
We go to the park, we see ducks and monkeys, sticks and grass.<br />
We go to the playground, we dig and bury our feet in sand and get absolutely filthy.<br />
We take showers together and play with buckets and rubber ducks.<br />
We snuggle. We nurse. We nap.<br />
We color, we scribble.<br />
We clean the house, sponge and cloth and brooms in hand. She is quite the organized and clean girl, I love it.<br />
In the morning, there is iaiá, some afternoons, for about 3 hours, her grandma fafá.<br />
And in the midst of all that, there are the cartoons, the pretending to be a duck/cat/dog/elephant, the chasing her around the house, playing hide-and-seek and just other silly-nessess.<br />
<br />
And somehow, somehow...I find ways to translate, to type type type away. I honestly don't know how this keeps happening. Week after week, jobs get done and Cora keeps growing and I am not losing it completely. It could even be said that I am thriving in my own mayaesque way.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />mayahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11096969342243180481noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-436955389969333409.post-58545577936532626342014-04-14T22:43:00.000-03:002014-04-14T22:45:53.166-03:00Since we're on the topic...I've decided I have to get back to writing, for my own sake, for my psyche's sake. Several teachers told me, long ago, that writing was to be a path for me. And it really was, but I lost it somewhere along the way, amidst other priorities. But not completely, it has always been present, ever since as I can remember myself as me.<br />
And writing about what I'm going through now, seems like a reasonable way through - a path, if I may.<br />
<br />
Today was neither here nor there in the grand excitement of my roller coaster emotions. It just was. Duties were fulfilled, Cora was tended to, the hours flowed by almost completely gracefully.<br />
<br />
However, there is a glitch coming up on my radar. Easter. Frickin Easter Holidays. FOUR WHOLE DAYS of HOLIDAY.<br />
<br />
Have I mentioned I have a loooot of trouble with non-weekdays? With vacations, weekends, holidays - ever since Cora was born? I mean, I had this sort of trouble when I was a child, too, but then I learned to value free time and it ceased to be an issue. Until Cora was born. Then what happened? Routine became my saving grace - knowing what to count on became central to my sanity, for there is so so so much you cannot predict, at least a routine in a familiar place with familair people, in my safe corner of the world - it helps tremendously when I'm dealing not only with a baby, but with my own mind and its flights of fancy and extreme anxiety. Routine is my pacificier.<br />
<br />
I have no idea what is to be of this holiday. I am dreading it, I am trying not to make it worse than it has to be by fretting, but I also want to take preventive measures, realistic measures, to help my own self out, since I'm the one who knows myself best.<br />
<br />
We'll see...I'll keep this updated, because I need to, for me! I need to tell my own story and regain my voice, my many voices, I guess...VOICE, I miss you. I've got to stop caring what other people think or don't think, or whatever. This is, in grand part, what the blog is about. But I DO care about people who care and would like to share how they care (rhyme much?). That will mean the world to me.mayahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11096969342243180481noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-436955389969333409.post-32946102748666978962014-04-13T23:43:00.001-03:002014-04-13T23:51:12.784-03:00Its Ugly Head is Rearing<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjlHFx9KtIZ4dZBR5c-QjqyrfoP73Q-dMEzV63IB7kz2jeHb8YqQryXjHsiehVR_znVuVtU38VagL86HCBSFw_re9tB2EiVrT_0Wd7GkOs_IKYjtsLj8m-hNt5YPROxlmI3QfH44yy2So8/s1600/lone_flower-t2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjlHFx9KtIZ4dZBR5c-QjqyrfoP73Q-dMEzV63IB7kz2jeHb8YqQryXjHsiehVR_znVuVtU38VagL86HCBSFw_re9tB2EiVrT_0Wd7GkOs_IKYjtsLj8m-hNt5YPROxlmI3QfH44yy2So8/s1600/lone_flower-t2.jpg" height="207" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
Mothering with depression. (Or anything with depression, for that matter)<br />
Sucks.<br />
Sucks.<br />
Sucks.<br />
I´ve had a long history with depression and anxiety disorders of many sorts, and ten years of being on on and off again medications of all sorts...and then I had a baby.<br />
<br />
And I was able to taper off, to embrace my need to breastfeed her the purest of milks, to not haze my perceptions or days with the meds...<br />
But that didn´t work for too long. Because, let´s face it, I am still me.<br />
<br />
And recently, I have been struggling especially hard. The thing is, serious depression, yet non-debilitating depression, is really tough as well, becasue you´re out there, functioning, so it doesn´t really seem that hard, now does it? But there are days when all I wish I could do is sit in a corner and cry, cry, cry. My chest gets heavy, my mind comes to a halt, all sorts of negative voices stir up and emotionally whip me down to my metaphorical knees. And there are days when I can´t believe I got through it, that all was done, that it´s over...but then it´ll all start again in a few hours. Where is the relief?<br />
I am so tired, guys. So tired. I feel caught, I feel misunderstood by those closest to me, I have trouble trusting that I am accepted and loved no matter what, that this too shall pass, that this does not define me, that this is what medication is for, don´t feel guilty...but guilt and negative future thinking is a bloody inherent part of this condition, so yes, I am struggling. There are days, and nights, especially, when I am running on close to empty, next to nothing but faith alone. Thank God faith can take someone a long way.mayahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11096969342243180481noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-436955389969333409.post-42123675907050041022014-04-04T15:28:00.001-03:002014-04-04T15:28:11.864-03:00Today's Flitter-Flattering Musings<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEipzRMNZtcnZPCRMyYCxIGBHsG9URo_h707y5mUUQs5RkFmAWIywdpZpjL-zNoocRe8JixdIW0qlOO5bIkTt5L4BglNHO8IeYXrj8aAwBG-PaIrlht9CFtnBSzU3NDk3T17byfGfST6BBo/s1600/original_3-d-butterfly-heart-display.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEipzRMNZtcnZPCRMyYCxIGBHsG9URo_h707y5mUUQs5RkFmAWIywdpZpjL-zNoocRe8JixdIW0qlOO5bIkTt5L4BglNHO8IeYXrj8aAwBG-PaIrlht9CFtnBSzU3NDk3T17byfGfST6BBo/s1600/original_3-d-butterfly-heart-display.jpg" height="237" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Flitter, flitter here, flitter flatter there. I have a toddler butterfly around the house. Today she flittered everywhere, between ducks in the park and crayons in the bathroom. Imagination unfolds as I see her in endless chit chatter with herself and the play she is engaged in, hard at work. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Flitter flitter, little girl. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I am less graceful. I am more of the "trying-not-to-trip-over-small-objects-and-toys-as-I-tend-to-ten-things-at-once." Not to mention, let's not trip over the flittering creature going to and fro, oblivious to my ten things all at once. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I know I am becoming quite notorious for saying this - but I can't help myself, forgive me - this mothering thing is befuddling, befuddling! That is why I find myself talking in Dr. Seussian code and rhyme. The mysteries that lie behind this state of procreating, or rearing, of nurturing…I witness love and vulnerability so closely everyday it makes my heart hurt, for the tenderness, but also for the potential for hurt. There is so much potential for hurt out there for the pure of heart. It is this vulnerability that melts me and makes me want to hide away when I look at the world. But she also teaches me about courage, which does come from the heart - the coeur. Vulnerability would be null without the heart that declares, I am here, I am here, beating, give me your starving, your poor, your delights and your butterflies!</div>
<br />mayahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11096969342243180481noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-436955389969333409.post-83126067650006546102014-04-02T17:02:00.000-03:002014-04-02T17:08:09.230-03:00Nem lá nem cáNo mundo do meio. Olhando pela janela.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgeHMJUIQtFZachW0ateQbygf5E2LncgsF48uEGWVvI_1Id2OhMIpCIOKJdOCEQY6BjsolZajeDlG33xtX8jj8-7EofIQBTKQdKJ9m-010fc2owP0r2SGiN1EtF3aGah5dlqFFsjNUgX7I/s1600/child-waiting.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgeHMJUIQtFZachW0ateQbygf5E2LncgsF48uEGWVvI_1Id2OhMIpCIOKJdOCEQY6BjsolZajeDlG33xtX8jj8-7EofIQBTKQdKJ9m-010fc2owP0r2SGiN1EtF3aGah5dlqFFsjNUgX7I/s1600/child-waiting.jpg" height="246" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Depois de um ano e meio cuidando de um bebê, me dá uma coceira quando observo das margens o mundo dito "normal" seguindo, fluindo. O mercado de trabalho, a tal carreira, e as qualificações, estudos, viagens. Me dá uma confusão na cabeça sobre o que é mais importante pra mim agora. Me dá outra confusão de como equilibrar as várias coisas importantes, ou o que ainda é preciso sacrificar. Tempo é uma comodidade e tanto. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Gosto de fazer escolhas conscientes, pois por mais que sejam não-convencionais, se eu estiver consciente dos meus porquês, eu fico (um pouco mais) tranquila e fortalecida. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
No meio desses comichões e confusões, fui olhar uma creche hoje, junto com a tum-tum. Ao longo do passeio fui apertando ela mais e mais contra mim, e ela se apoiava mais e mais contra meu ombro. Nem precisa dizer que sai de lá triste ao ver aquelas crianças, triste em pensar na Cora lá. Não sei se é pela creche em si, ou se é por eu não estar pronta pra deixar minha filha numa instituição. Não sei. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Só sei que voltei mais segura das minhas escolhas, por mais difíceis que possam ser. Fez com que eu a deixasse hoje na casa da avó segura, feliz, em paz. Nós duas, acredito. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Viro e reviro a internet atrás de contatos, de aprendizado, de vagas de trabalho, à procura de um caminho. Tenho acertado e errado na mira na mesma proporção - mas muitas vezes são os outros que me acham no meio desse mundo cibernético, e cada vez me parece um pequeno milagre, como se Deus me dissesse, viu, estou aqui, lembrando de você, tenha fé. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Nunca minha fé foi tão importante, pois sem ela nada faria sentido, tudo seria desesperador. Tenho que acreditar que, do mesmo jeito que Cora tem a mim para velar pelo seu sono, seu desperatar e seu dia, tem alguém fazendo o mesmo por mim quando não tenho tempo nem energia para tanto. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Entrego. Confio. Agradeço. Aceito. </div>
<br />mayahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11096969342243180481noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-436955389969333409.post-21019299924994771672014-03-31T20:41:00.001-03:002014-03-31T20:43:57.897-03:00In Days of no Law and Order, Law and Order<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhVucHSZ1IdKypCRs5MGhKIHmtWx0umCs_Tbxdgh9uT1wFzV-FUgL5iQRRphcmjF-5IS_lz3rh-RWN0HKB-O78pYwANjla3uluzhKWNWhQ78FC9HchT_GM6y5AzSyr7kml_PZzQHRK2XEA/s1600/mariska-hargitay-desktop-hd-4809.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhVucHSZ1IdKypCRs5MGhKIHmtWx0umCs_Tbxdgh9uT1wFzV-FUgL5iQRRphcmjF-5IS_lz3rh-RWN0HKB-O78pYwANjla3uluzhKWNWhQ78FC9HchT_GM6y5AzSyr7kml_PZzQHRK2XEA/s1600/mariska-hargitay-desktop-hd-4809.jpg" height="180" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I have reawaken my SVU addiction through the net, I don't know why it's so appealing to me, why I love watching Olivia Benson kick ass and give that Olivia Benson glare…It lulls me to sleep every night.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
ANYWAY…</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Things I keep reminding myself over and over again:</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
1. There is no manual, there are no guidelines to parenting - EVERBODY is winging it and doing their best, as best they can. Each kid is unique, each parent is unique, the combination is even more unique.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
2. This too shall pass. That pretty much speaks for itself. I'm tired.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
3. Love her to death. That also pretty much speaks for itself and give me energy for all the rest. </div>
<br />mayahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11096969342243180481noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-436955389969333409.post-9534237998515375822014-02-10T22:26:00.002-02:002014-02-10T22:33:31.786-02:00Failure I am not. <!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<o:OfficeDocumentSettings>
<o:AllowPNG/>
</o:OfficeDocumentSettings>
</xml><![endif]-->
<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<w:WordDocument>
<w:View>Normal</w:View>
<w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom>
<w:TrackMoves/>
<w:TrackFormatting/>
<w:PunctuationKerning/>
<w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/>
<w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>
<w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent>
<w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>
<w:DoNotPromoteQF/>
<w:LidThemeOther>EN-US</w:LidThemeOther>
<w:LidThemeAsian>JA</w:LidThemeAsian>
<w:LidThemeComplexScript>X-NONE</w:LidThemeComplexScript>
<w:Compatibility>
<w:BreakWrappedTables/>
<w:SnapToGridInCell/>
<w:WrapTextWithPunct/>
<w:UseAsianBreakRules/>
<w:DontGrowAutofit/>
<w:SplitPgBreakAndParaMark/>
<w:EnableOpenTypeKerning/>
<w:DontFlipMirrorIndents/>
<w:OverrideTableStyleHps/>
<w:UseFELayout/>
</w:Compatibility>
<m:mathPr>
<m:mathFont m:val="Cambria Math"/>
<m:brkBin m:val="before"/>
<m:brkBinSub m:val="--"/>
<m:smallFrac m:val="off"/>
<m:dispDef/>
<m:lMargin m:val="0"/>
<m:rMargin m:val="0"/>
<m:defJc m:val="centerGroup"/>
<m:wrapIndent m:val="1440"/>
<m:intLim m:val="subSup"/>
<m:naryLim m:val="undOvr"/>
</m:mathPr></w:WordDocument>
</xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" DefUnhideWhenUsed="true"
DefSemiHidden="true" DefQFormat="false" DefPriority="99"
LatentStyleCount="276">
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="0" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Normal"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="heading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 9"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 9"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="35" QFormat="true" Name="caption"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="10" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" Name="Default Paragraph Font"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="11" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtitle"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="22" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Strong"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="20" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="59" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Table Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Placeholder Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="No Spacing"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Revision"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="34" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="List Paragraph"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="29" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="30" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="19" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtle Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="21" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="31" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtle Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="32" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="33" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Book Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="37" Name="Bibliography"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" QFormat="true" Name="TOC Heading"/>
</w:LatentStyles>
</xml><![endif]-->
<!--[if gte mso 10]>
<style>
/* Style Definitions */
table.MsoNormalTable
{mso-style-name:"Table Normal";
mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0;
mso-tstyle-colband-size:0;
mso-style-noshow:yes;
mso-style-priority:99;
mso-style-parent:"";
mso-padding-alt:0cm 5.4pt 0cm 5.4pt;
mso-para-margin:0cm;
mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt;
mso-pagination:widow-orphan;
font-size:12.0pt;
font-family:Cambria;
mso-ascii-font-family:Cambria;
mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-hansi-font-family:Cambria;
mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;}
</style>
<![endif]-->
<!--StartFragment-->
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px; text-align: left;">This is my winter song to you.</span></div>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px; text-align: left;"><div style="text-align: center;">
The storm is coming soon,</div>
</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px; text-align: left;"><div style="text-align: center;">
it rolls in from the sea</div>
</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px; text-align: left;"><div style="text-align: center;">
My voice; a beacon in the night.</div>
</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px; text-align: left;"><div style="text-align: center;">
My words will be your light,</div>
</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px; text-align: left;"><div style="text-align: center;">
to carry you to me.</div>
</span><br />
<span style="color: #262626; mso-bidi-font-family: "Helvetica Neue";"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #262626; mso-bidi-font-family: "Helvetica Neue";">I've been having a series of very difficult days. Old problems back in new guises. I can't outright call these days <i>shitty</i>, for every day's closure brings me something new, and it can never be entirely shitty when I come to the realizations below and when my baby is who she is.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJ2ZNGn6O6oGorGenLVyLNxYbmKLWZ6tKnYlQvgdvSikgcnc1CfpGPyAPvyJrsrEmneiaJLxI8EMspkN1cDFKoKjcVL3DXNWL6cmkqskEQihiytSWU7Me_GmPKSMGVvghLKk7FVGIDtXE/s1600/hope2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: justify;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJ2ZNGn6O6oGorGenLVyLNxYbmKLWZ6tKnYlQvgdvSikgcnc1CfpGPyAPvyJrsrEmneiaJLxI8EMspkN1cDFKoKjcVL3DXNWL6cmkqskEQihiytSWU7Me_GmPKSMGVvghLKk7FVGIDtXE/s1600/hope2.jpg" height="320" width="240" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626;"><br /></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626; mso-bidi-font-family: "Helvetica Neue";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626;">When the voice asks me, or mocks me - who the hell do you think you are? I have to take a deep breath and go deep within me and find the answers for now.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626;">Who am I?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626;">I am guardian of my home
- I am the one who closes the windows so people sleep warm and tight, I
am the one who makes sure there is enough laundry detergent, the one who makes
sure Cora has snacked, taken a bath, who knows when she needs to
shampoo or not. I am the one who guards her nights. I am the one who shows up,
day after day, I show up. I am here, I am here - constant. I am the one who made choices to be where I am now. I am the one who knows of my abilities, capacities, who knows that money, career and financial success are not measures of what I consider success. I am the one who made this choice, knowing how damn hard it is to live by this in this city, in this year of 2014. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626; mso-bidi-font-family: "Helvetica Neue";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626; mso-bidi-font-family: "Helvetica Neue";">I am not failure, as a strong relentless inner voice would lead me to believe. The icky sticky claws of depression and anxiety attacks have taken hold, over and over again, this last month, 2 months? 3? I never know when it starts, so gradual its onset is. I've never wanted to admit that this happens, but it does. Being a mother did not change me as a person with my own emotional conflicts that do not regard motherhood. How to deal? How to deal with the insidious cruel voice that insists: FAILURE! FRAUD! You are better off dead, better off not her mother, better off out of everyone's life. What a midnight black creature this is, except that it's hidden in broad daylight - so ingrained in my soul sometimes that I have no idea where it begins and I end. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626; mso-bidi-font-family: "Helvetica Neue";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626; mso-bidi-font-family: "Helvetica Neue";">Who am I?</span></div>
<!--EndFragment--><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626;">I am the guardian of my home, I am the silent and oft invisible
guardian of this home. I give my love in gestures, in dishes cleaned, in kisses
given, in keys placed in the “correct” place, in trips to the park, to the
playground, to grandma’s house…I "share" Cora despite my fears she’ll “leave” me because she'll "see" what a "failure" I am. I show her beauty, fun, enchantment, I insist these exist, despite the moments i'd rather just give up and shrivel away in a blanket. I show her the world I'd like to leave. I show her that I seek help, I tell her not to worry, for there are people helping, for mommy knows where to go and how to feel better. I tell her when I am feeling better, that that moment has passed. I show her who her mom is, and seek for the genuine in me. Which means - I am not a rainbow colored cookie baking mom but I am also not a failure, and the world is not going to fail us, dammit, it is not going to fail us now, because I have a beautiful baby who deserves to be shown the best as well and to revel in what the world offers, in contradictions but moreover, in truth. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626;"><br /></span></div>
<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<o:OfficeDocumentSettings>
<o:AllowPNG/>
</o:OfficeDocumentSettings>
</xml><![endif]-->
<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<w:WordDocument>
<w:View>Normal</w:View>
<w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom>
<w:TrackMoves/>
<w:TrackFormatting/>
<w:PunctuationKerning/>
<w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/>
<w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>
<w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent>
<w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>
<w:DoNotPromoteQF/>
<w:LidThemeOther>EN-US</w:LidThemeOther>
<w:LidThemeAsian>JA</w:LidThemeAsian>
<w:LidThemeComplexScript>X-NONE</w:LidThemeComplexScript>
<w:Compatibility>
<w:BreakWrappedTables/>
<w:SnapToGridInCell/>
<w:WrapTextWithPunct/>
<w:UseAsianBreakRules/>
<w:DontGrowAutofit/>
<w:SplitPgBreakAndParaMark/>
<w:EnableOpenTypeKerning/>
<w:DontFlipMirrorIndents/>
<w:OverrideTableStyleHps/>
<w:UseFELayout/>
</w:Compatibility>
<m:mathPr>
<m:mathFont m:val="Cambria Math"/>
<m:brkBin m:val="before"/>
<m:brkBinSub m:val="--"/>
<m:smallFrac m:val="off"/>
<m:dispDef/>
<m:lMargin m:val="0"/>
<m:rMargin m:val="0"/>
<m:defJc m:val="centerGroup"/>
<m:wrapIndent m:val="1440"/>
<m:intLim m:val="subSup"/>
<m:naryLim m:val="undOvr"/>
</m:mathPr></w:WordDocument>
</xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" DefUnhideWhenUsed="true"
DefSemiHidden="true" DefQFormat="false" DefPriority="99"
LatentStyleCount="276">
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="0" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Normal"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="heading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 9"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 9"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="35" QFormat="true" Name="caption"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="10" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" Name="Default Paragraph Font"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="11" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtitle"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="22" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Strong"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="20" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="59" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Table Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Placeholder Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="No Spacing"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Revision"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="34" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="List Paragraph"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="29" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="30" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="19" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtle Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="21" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="31" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtle Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="32" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="33" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Book Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="37" Name="Bibliography"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" QFormat="true" Name="TOC Heading"/>
</w:LatentStyles>
</xml><![endif]-->
<!--[if gte mso 10]>
<style>
/* Style Definitions */
table.MsoNormalTable
{mso-style-name:"Table Normal";
mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0;
mso-tstyle-colband-size:0;
mso-style-noshow:yes;
mso-style-priority:99;
mso-style-parent:"";
mso-padding-alt:0cm 5.4pt 0cm 5.4pt;
mso-para-margin:0cm;
mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt;
mso-pagination:widow-orphan;
font-size:12.0pt;
font-family:Cambria;
mso-ascii-font-family:Cambria;
mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-hansi-font-family:Cambria;
mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;}
</style>
<![endif]-->
<!--StartFragment-->
<!--EndFragment--><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626; mso-bidi-font-family: "Helvetica Neue";">So I breathe deep at night, when everyone is asleep, no matter what kind of day it has been and I repeat to myself and shout to that monster: Hey! I showed up! In the worst of days, through the worst
throes of depression, anguish and inner conflict, I showed up. So there, take, that. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626; mso-bidi-font-family: "Helvetica Neue";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #262626; mso-bidi-font-family: "Helvetica Neue";">A failure, I. am. not. </span><o:p></o:p></div>
mayahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11096969342243180481noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-436955389969333409.post-60319153567468806492014-02-05T20:06:00.004-02:002014-02-05T21:27:16.630-02:00O segundo anoQuis escrever sobre isso pois li muita coisa sobre o primeiro ano do bebê, mas depois disso, parece que os relatos maternos caem em quantidade de forma drástica…espero agregar um pouco a essa escassez...<br />
O que estou aprendendo com o segundo ano de vida da minha filha:<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhzIxwENjbAQNvFJxkZ-GDy9xddwFNBQuQE9ZVPY0WFR3VvDJL6IvBPjULp_lbFbhSfJr88Cpoi1OB_NDyiGFYELz1n9650gMRNLY3mJ4bo9uZrmv8ITd3dKOEDfuDdoXP1hJukQusvnnY/s1600/IMG_20140124_134328_280.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhzIxwENjbAQNvFJxkZ-GDy9xddwFNBQuQE9ZVPY0WFR3VvDJL6IvBPjULp_lbFbhSfJr88Cpoi1OB_NDyiGFYELz1n9650gMRNLY3mJ4bo9uZrmv8ITd3dKOEDfuDdoXP1hJukQusvnnY/s1600/IMG_20140124_134328_280.jpg" height="320" width="180" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
1. Que é muito mais difícil que o primeiro. Pra mim. E também, mais fácil. Me explico: Os desafios de vê-la desabrochar enquanto pessoazinha na sua confusão e frustração de aprender o que é ser esse ser social, é de partir o coração muitas vezes, além de me levar ao meu limite over and over again, também enquanto um ser social! Tem horas que quero me enfiar num buraco do tempo e sumir, não ter mais filho nem essa missão enorme diante de mim. Mesmo amando ela até não poder mais. Mas ao mesmo tempo, é fascinante, é ver alguém se formando, alguém que traz consigo sua personalidade - se encontrando com os nossos jeitos, a nossa família - é um encontro das águas. E claro, também é mais fácil pois o papel de "mãe" já ficou mais naturalizado, já caiu mais da ficha, já estou mais 'safa' e acostumada com a ideia de que há um ser que depende quase que 100% de nós.<br />
<br />
2. O que nos leva ao segundo ponto - ela não está tão dependente de mim, não precisa de mim, ou nem ME QUER o tempo todo. Essa mudança (rejeições, tempo com avós, tempo só com o papai) foi difícil e libertador ao mesmo tempo. Nas primeiras vezes que passei horas longe dela, tinha taquicardia o tempo todo. Era EU que precisava dela. EU! Até conseguir criar um espaço só meu, demorou e foi todo um trabalho de lembrar o que eu gostava de fazer antes de ter um bebê na minha vida. Aí foi o segundo passo de me permitir!! A culpa entrava, "como assim, estou curtindo tempo SEM minha filha?" Sei que muitas mães passam por isso muito antes, quando voltam ao trabalho ao final da licença maternidade, mas pra mim tem sido agora. Não sei quais são as diferenças ou semelhanças do processo em diferentes idades, mas imagino que existam.<br />
<br />
3. Amamentar é muito diferente nesse segundo ano. Não sei o que mais dizer sobre isso, além de que quero continuar, gosto, mas percebo as nuanças de como o relacionamento dela com meus seios e corpo mudou. Como ela usa o mamar, ou precisa do mamar…Definitivamente não é como antes, aquela fusão total no peito, aqueles minutos looooongos de intensa nutrição.<br />
<br />
4. O último ponto, por ora, é que o desafio de percebê-la enquanto alguém separada de mim começou muito mais cedo do que eu imaginava. A fusão dos primeiros meses foi tão forte…aí as conquistas da segunda metade do ano foram tão empolgantes, mas junto com suas conquistas veio a ansiedade de separação, aqule chororô longe de mim….e aí um ano vem…e voilà, as primeiras separações voluntárias aparecem….que choque! não estava preparada para isso e toda a forma que organizei meus dias, meu trabalho, giravam em torno do fato de que eu precisava estar presente pelo menos 96% do tempo. Mas, ó, não é bem assim! Quando foi que isso aconteceu? Nem vi! Especialmente com o surgimento da linguagem, dela entender e começar a ativamente usar palavras, isso é um indício grande desse passo, desse crescimento e individuação. Por exemplo: a palavra "NÃO", tem coisa mais afirmativa do "si mesmo" do que NÃO?<br />
<br />
É isso por ora…só estamos no 4o mês desse segundo ano. Imagina quando ela chegar aos 2 anos? Muitas descobertas por vir (e me refiro às minhas!!).mayahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11096969342243180481noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-436955389969333409.post-70123003568739744292014-01-05T10:06:00.003-02:002014-01-05T19:22:07.248-02:00Para não me esquecer - Lest I forget<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Da série: Coisas que quero anotar para não esquecer de quando ela era pequena.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
</div>
<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<o:OfficeDocumentSettings>
<o:AllowPNG/>
</o:OfficeDocumentSettings>
</xml><![endif]-->
<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<w:WordDocument>
<w:View>Normal</w:View>
<w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom>
<w:TrackMoves/>
<w:TrackFormatting/>
<w:PunctuationKerning/>
<w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/>
<w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>
<w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent>
<w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>
<w:DoNotPromoteQF/>
<w:LidThemeOther>EN-US</w:LidThemeOther>
<w:LidThemeAsian>JA</w:LidThemeAsian>
<w:LidThemeComplexScript>X-NONE</w:LidThemeComplexScript>
<w:Compatibility>
<w:BreakWrappedTables/>
<w:SnapToGridInCell/>
<w:WrapTextWithPunct/>
<w:UseAsianBreakRules/>
<w:DontGrowAutofit/>
<w:SplitPgBreakAndParaMark/>
<w:EnableOpenTypeKerning/>
<w:DontFlipMirrorIndents/>
<w:OverrideTableStyleHps/>
<w:UseFELayout/>
</w:Compatibility>
<m:mathPr>
<m:mathFont m:val="Cambria Math"/>
<m:brkBin m:val="before"/>
<m:brkBinSub m:val="--"/>
<m:smallFrac m:val="off"/>
<m:dispDef/>
<m:lMargin m:val="0"/>
<m:rMargin m:val="0"/>
<m:defJc m:val="centerGroup"/>
<m:wrapIndent m:val="1440"/>
<m:intLim m:val="subSup"/>
<m:naryLim m:val="undOvr"/>
</m:mathPr></w:WordDocument>
</xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" DefUnhideWhenUsed="true"
DefSemiHidden="true" DefQFormat="false" DefPriority="99"
LatentStyleCount="276">
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="0" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Normal"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="heading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 9"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 9"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="35" QFormat="true" Name="caption"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="10" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" Name="Default Paragraph Font"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="11" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtitle"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="22" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Strong"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="20" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="59" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Table Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Placeholder Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="No Spacing"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Revision"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="34" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="List Paragraph"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="29" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="30" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="19" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtle Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="21" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="31" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtle Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="32" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="33" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Book Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="37" Name="Bibliography"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" QFormat="true" Name="TOC Heading"/>
</w:LatentStyles>
</xml><![endif]-->
<!--[if gte mso 10]>
<style>
/* Style Definitions */
table.MsoNormalTable
{mso-style-name:"Table Normal";
mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0;
mso-tstyle-colband-size:0;
mso-style-noshow:yes;
mso-style-priority:99;
mso-style-parent:"";
mso-padding-alt:0cm 5.4pt 0cm 5.4pt;
mso-para-margin:0cm;
mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt;
mso-pagination:widow-orphan;
font-size:12.0pt;
font-family:Cambria;
mso-ascii-font-family:Cambria;
mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-hansi-font-family:Cambria;
mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;}
</style>
<![endif]-->
<!--StartFragment-->
<!--EndFragment--><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">1. Quando ela era reçem nascida, tinha períodos do dia que ela
chorava muito sem que eu conseguisse acalmá-la com facilidade. Não sabiamos o
que era – cólica? Sono? Fome? Tinha dias que eu chorava junto com ela, numa intensa aflição. Durou
pouco essa época, mas ficou bem marcado…aí eu colocava ela no sling, ou
simplesmente pegava nos braços mesmo e descia com ela…para a frente do prédio
ou então no pilotis, onde tinha bastante vento e o som do mundo com pressa, algo tão longe da minha realidade. E inventei a musiquinha assim “vamos
lá pra baixo, vamos lá pra baixo, onde tem ventinho e sonzinho de carro”
repeat, repeat…E ficava com ela até dormir, ou até acalmar - eu e ela. Às vezes ela
voltava a chorar quando eu voltava para o apt…as vezes nao. Mas a musiquinha
ficou e me lembra de um período tão tenro de nossas vidas, onde nós duas
estávamos cruas e sensíveis, tendo que nos proteger dos estímulos fortes e por
vezes agressivos desse mundo. </span><o:p></o:p><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Antes de ontem me lembrei com nitidez disso quando tive que descer com ela quase 11 da noite e ela não dormia e chorava com qualquer coisa (e eu também!!), catei ela no colo, de pijama e tudo (eu!) E sentei com ela na frente do prédio e balancei, balancei minha menina de um ano e três meses e cantei, "vamos lá pra baixo, vamos lá pra baixo…" e assim, devagar…ela se entregou, talvez se recordando de um tempo longínquo…e dormiu. </span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZm0jT1IRR1HvuFpnLiHyG7jwY5v88RZ1MQb65U55s83kxv4vr-IkY9ErKN5A-ZZh5-49jX_R6pcnNT8IfErRsSEgeodM3tY0oAfqAjljzZ-pEgj_O73-wi60YaysKxsLXpRJPe1dWqC8/s1600/DSCF0417.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZm0jT1IRR1HvuFpnLiHyG7jwY5v88RZ1MQb65U55s83kxv4vr-IkY9ErKN5A-ZZh5-49jX_R6pcnNT8IfErRsSEgeodM3tY0oAfqAjljzZ-pEgj_O73-wi60YaysKxsLXpRJPe1dWqC8/s320/DSCF0417.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhxziGQGLFP8DrFjojNT9tCisZcYnODWnnXY5fJrLH2Wis98eebkfhZtCoR5JM_k4YZzDFXH22HSuPrg3IONMCd8-ys0l6mDb1yGRfDhdo8XNMvYrIex0rOkcXNq_p9HJJC52Ub5msqSY4/s1600/DSCF0475.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhxziGQGLFP8DrFjojNT9tCisZcYnODWnnXY5fJrLH2Wis98eebkfhZtCoR5JM_k4YZzDFXH22HSuPrg3IONMCd8-ys0l6mDb1yGRfDhdo8XNMvYrIex0rOkcXNq_p9HJJC52Ub5msqSY4/s320/DSCF0475.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
<br /></div>
mayahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11096969342243180481noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-436955389969333409.post-23666915215399773102013-12-14T23:12:00.000-02:002013-12-14T23:13:18.371-02:00It never really sinks inIt's been a long time since I've written anything in here. Looooo-ong time.<br />
I haven't felt like a big sharer of late. I used to post so many pictures on Facebook and comment so many things about my life, but recently, I've been quieter.<br />
<br />
What motivated me to write this time, well, write publicly, for in private I've kept on doing it, is that as I was organizing photographs I finally got printed from May till October, an incredible sadness took over and I decided, ok, this is write-worthy…Let's see where it takes me.<br />
I realized, I guess, that the last year, for as joyful as seeing her grow up has been, has also been wrought in a lot of difficult feelings and tension, and just the plain solitude that accompanies intense growing up.<br />
There is the joy of the baby blossoming, and the grief of me growing - if that makes any sense - the grief of letting go of a part of me, of a way of being that cannot be anymore.<br />
<br />
After having Cora, I've heard several pregnant women make reference to the fact that it hasn't sunk in yet that they're having a baby, and I always think (or say), hey, here's a surprise for you - it <b>never really totally sinks in</b>. You think it's all sunken in, but then, wow, ok, the baby is<i> born</i>! And then the first few days and weeks are really curious, because it's like - oh, wait, yes, there's a BABY now, and I'm responsible for everything about it!! I'm no longer pregnant and radiant and having the world wanting to pamper me, I'm tired, exhausted and a bit scared…<br />
That takes a while to sink in…and when you think that's sinking in, there's all this other sequence of events that need to sink in - all the changes that abruptly took place in your life, all the small (or big) changes in that baby you need to adapt to, week after week, then suddenly…you work that out and then my current feeling is: WOW, I have a little GIRL in the house, where did my baby go?!<br />
<br />
What I'm saying, in this confusing post I'm too tired to go back and edit is: it is a lot to deal with!! A lot of personal growth, change, adaptation, grief to process, joys that barely fit in one's heart, pure life coming like a hurricane into all of our lives etc. etc. etc.<br />
etc.<br />
And what I'm saying with that, in order to bring this post full circle, is wow, sometimes writing about it is just plain ole overwhelming and I'd rather sit quiet and watch it all unfurl, and that is why it's been a long time.<br />
Ok. that's it for now. Maybe I'll make more sense later.<br />
<br />
Here's my little grown-up baby girl:<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhpNymgcyhqvmmUWcyQPRxS5BwDNncv3k2cMxjXBY3qIJK-nt9ltJ7vr0mCvWuzaLxXIyE_LorquI0z0jGfeyNwmvSnjKCvGyOXpPLqmMqRaj8Fgr-lJg3snTPdC1spbdEeh4YrKJ8Ra3g/s1600/IMG_20131112_154809_284.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhpNymgcyhqvmmUWcyQPRxS5BwDNncv3k2cMxjXBY3qIJK-nt9ltJ7vr0mCvWuzaLxXIyE_LorquI0z0jGfeyNwmvSnjKCvGyOXpPLqmMqRaj8Fgr-lJg3snTPdC1spbdEeh4YrKJ8Ra3g/s320/IMG_20131112_154809_284.jpg" width="180" /></a></div>
<br />mayahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11096969342243180481noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-436955389969333409.post-78035574748273996392013-08-22T19:23:00.001-03:002013-08-22T19:31:20.649-03:00A escolha de dormir no chão com Cora<div style="text-align: justify;">
Pra resumir - Eu durmo num colchão no chão ao lado do colchão da minha filha no chão. Não porque gosto de complicar as coisas, exatamente <i>au contraire.</i> E se eu tivesse a chance de refazer minhas escolhas de como viver com um bebê pequeno, em vez de dois colchões separados seria um colchão grandão, um único, onde dormiríamos os três, se assim meu marido quisesse também. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Quero escrever sobre isso porque quero compartilhar como foram surgindo essas adaptações que cada vez mais parecem me levar um pouco mais longe do que seria convencional ou "normal", sei lá. Tal como foi na gravidez e no parto, aliás. Só não sabia disso antes dela nascer, que existem nuanças de humanização muito além do parto, em cada aspecto da rotina com um bebê, e imagino também, com uma criança. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Cheguei ao cenário atual aos poucos - no início éramos eu, Cora e um berço. Ela não teve, aparentemente, muitos problemas com o berço. Dormia bastante lá, quando eu conseguia abrir mão de tê-la por perto e deixá-la no berço. Por volta do primeiro mês ela passou a dormir a NOITE INTEIRA lá, 8 horas seguidas fácil. Parecia que não havia mais nada o que pensar, estávamos feitos. Mas, claro, tudo muda e bebês mudam. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj5n-n8oP05duAP21he9Ym27H-jhcUX6cXlYglRVy_McKgmsfPAyrmXPEuCD8AwWDiTeML5S4Yo2ST8bvdUzpRyh_7Gft1h03WbYzsdJqdzRHZroro2CUhCJJd56Fib06oS9Fc8-mPta-g/s1600/DSCF0499.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj5n-n8oP05duAP21he9Ym27H-jhcUX6cXlYglRVy_McKgmsfPAyrmXPEuCD8AwWDiTeML5S4Yo2ST8bvdUzpRyh_7Gft1h03WbYzsdJqdzRHZroro2CUhCJJd56Fib06oS9Fc8-mPta-g/s320/DSCF0499.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">
<b><i>Tranquila no berço</i></b></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Ela voltou a acordar com frequência para mamar (ou outra coisa) com 4 meses e foi aí que os ajustes começaram. A princípio eu saia da minha cama, zumbí, claro, e me arrastava até o quarto dela, tirava do berço, sentava na poltrona e ficava com ela no peito até ela cair no sono novamente e eu colocá-la de volta. Ok, tranquilo...o jeito é ter paciência mesmo! Mas eu comecei a revirar minha cabeça por ideias de como melhorar nossa vida noturna. Ela estava começando a sentar sozinha e já estava no horizonte aquele tal dia que ela ficaria em pé sozinha no berço e eu tinha que achar uma solução, porque, infelizmente (mas que foi felizmente!!) o berço estava mal juntado, usado e a cola que o segurava não aguentaria os primeiras saculejares dela. Além do mais, a trava de segurança que abaixa e sobe não abaixava nem subia, estava presa. Então calhou que na época que eu estava no dilema do que fazer com o berço, contemplando comprar já uma caminha de criança e colocar o colchão no chão até ela aprender a subir e descer da cama - mas super na dúvida - eu descobri a existência do "quarto montessoriano". Olhei o blog feliz da vida e com sede, pois sabia ter encontrado minha solução! Além de tudo, tinha todo uma fundamentação teórica bonitinha! Mas isso foi só um detalhe, nada do que fiz foi teórico. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3OgvVyR7vg5GCA1xSc-aU6n1dPddFHaOYEO_FfyLnV0lw9SKAVsCdbrHbIBhPSBh-1sWJ5GYtipW-Yb99rGOoMBvXz-HNN7Tw7ICYDaSKJX5PViqS-9sIz6vJPY-SaGMHJIABybKVkfc/s1600/DSCF0996.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3OgvVyR7vg5GCA1xSc-aU6n1dPddFHaOYEO_FfyLnV0lw9SKAVsCdbrHbIBhPSBh-1sWJ5GYtipW-Yb99rGOoMBvXz-HNN7Tw7ICYDaSKJX5PViqS-9sIz6vJPY-SaGMHJIABybKVkfc/s320/DSCF0996.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">
<i><b>Cora ao lado da sua caminha, antes do meu colchão aparecer na história...</b></i></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Então com 6 meses adeus berço! Coloquei o colchão dela no canto do quarto em cima de um tapetinho, rodeiei de almofadas e voilà! Ela acordava a noite e a rotina era a mesma, pegava, sentava na poltrona, mamava, colocava de volta. Até que, devagarinho, foi me encostando no colchão dela, primeira sentada encostada na parede e depois detiada, dando de mamar deitada. A dentição começou a pegar por volta dos 8 meses e me via saindo da cama quase de hora em hora para ficar com uma pequena dolorida e com dificuldade de dormir sozinha. Acabava dormindo sentada contra a parede. Quando enchi o saco, peguei um monte de edredon do armário e fiz um colchão improvisado para mim ao lado do dela. FIquei assim talvez uma semana quando me dei conta que seria muito mais humano se eu simplesmente assumisse a situação e comrpasse um colchão de solteiro para que eu não parecesse tanto um cachorrinho dormindo nos meus panos no chão. Então parei na loja, comprei o colchão mais simples que havia e pronto!!! Agora deito do lado dela todas as noites, nem levanto na hora de mamar, sirvo até de barreira natural para ela não rolar no chão e não é incomum acordar de manhã e ver que ela rolou até meu lado e está completamente aconchegada no meu calor. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Em outras palavras, o que quero dizer - tudo isso para chegar à conclusão de que cama compartilhada realmente era o que eu precisava e gosto. Parei de contar quantas vezes ela acorda - são várias - mas faz parte, não me estresso nem fico esperando a noite em que magicamente ela irá deixar de precisar de mim. Simplesmente aceitei e fiz as pazes com a mudança (talvez) temporária no meu estilo de vida. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Valeu a pena. E sei que tudo o resto também passa por esse processo - de ser "desplugado" do que o senso comum diz, as práticas comuns dizem, e escutar a MIM MESMA e minha filha, escutar o que NÓS, familia, precisamos e o que faz sentido para nós. Quanto mais escuto isso mais vou destoando e mais me sinto realizada e em paz enquanto mãe - e pra falar a verdade, enquanto pessoa!</div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEih_KMudFaGNXCSMO6PmcaZw2r3Qeerj1KsDZu66uFnWYWRL6CUIdV-rPHDlwHetC4XNAWm2Y4c-yQuzBOIJs8JRnmB4ZUipXaOW0wAhFJLxXRLsjU730MN5sRIRFi5GfsAe0xb2IloRUE/s1600/DSCF0894.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEih_KMudFaGNXCSMO6PmcaZw2r3Qeerj1KsDZu66uFnWYWRL6CUIdV-rPHDlwHetC4XNAWm2Y4c-yQuzBOIJs8JRnmB4ZUipXaOW0wAhFJLxXRLsjU730MN5sRIRFi5GfsAe0xb2IloRUE/s320/DSCF0894.jpg" width="269" /></a></div>
<br />mayahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11096969342243180481noreply@blogger.com1