Talking to Babies and Angels

I wrote this in February of last year, when I was in the wee beginnings of pregnancy - it could almost entirely apply itself yo the present moment. I was talking to the baby in my tummy about my fears and anxieties: 

"I want you to understand how this is not about you, that I love you very much. I want you to understand that I am trying to sort a lot of things out in order to be a better person, a happier person and therefore a happier mom to you. I am dealing with things without the buffering of anxiety meds or even work. My past demons, my present demons, my inner child and her grief, for starters. I am working through my arrogance and my terrible self-esteem. I am working on my life purpose, on what I am here to do and trying to tap into my inner truth, filtering it amidst so many different misleading voices.

I want you to know that I am trying very hard to be a good enough mother for you. I am sorry if the grief reaches you, or the anxiety. I hope you can understand at some level what it’s about and be able to digest it somehow. If not, I pray that God reach down his hand and blow it away like the wind blows away smoke or dandelions. Or that he stroke your newly formed hair for me..."

Amen, amen, amen..

little Cora, I wish all the same things now. 

I've been feeling so scared lately. That fear has returned. Everything is changing so fast, it seems, sometimes I don't know who my baby is anymore. She's just unfolding - SO FAST. My insecurities are mounting, so many unknown factors to deal with. Like her newfound separation anxiety. IOW, she cannot be apart from me, PHYSICALLY apart without breaking down into a real fit. Sometimes someone can distract her enough for the crisis to be averted, but it's difficult. My back hurts a lot from holding her so much. I feel overtouched, over tired, over needed. It's scary, like she's going to be a neverending pit of neediness, but I try to keep in mind it's a phase, she's going through something "scary" for her, understanding and coming to grips with the notion that mommy is a separate person from her, who can move around and who can - gasp! - leave! And the other way around too...she is mobile, she can move around, so she can go astray and get lost. Of course, I'm imagining, trying to imagine what is going on.

I changed her room around, got rid of the crib and made a low bed scenario so she can have more play space in her own room and also the possibility of exploring her surroundings more freely. It hurt my heart to take the crib apart, I did not see that coming. I didn't know the crib represented so much to me, it was weird. It was like I was saying that her baby self is gone now, even thought it's not!! She could've been in the low bed situation since she was born, I'm not doing it because now she's older or more mature...it's only because I found out about this possibility recently. But still, it hurt, and just thinking about it I want to cry again! Go figure. But she adapted well to her new bed and finds it interesting that around her bed is now a whole different universe...her mirror, her toys, the "art" on the walls...mommy in bed with her at times. Oh well. I'll adapt. And then I'll be attached to the low bed, cuz that's how I am, one attachment after another. 

I tried talking to her in her sleep yesterday about my insecurities, to see if it helps with HER insecurities. Who knows, right? Maybe she's catching on to what I'm feeling and that makes her doubly insecure. 

I'm scared sometimes and the pressure mounting on me - scared as in I want desperately to be able to take my anxiety medication - but I don't have it anymore, we are on our own. I'm anxious with Ez's stressful schedule, with my weird in-law family situation that I so not finding a good way to deal...with my ambiguous work situation,  the pain in my body, Cora's intense emotional needs, with her new schedule - especially her eating introduction. I feel it's not going too well, but maybe it's supposed to be a very slow process..how do I know? I don't feel that Ez is my support system when it comes to raising her because I've been making most decisions by myself and that also is scary. That's because I'm the one WITH her all day. 

I'm just bloody tired. I know there is hope, lots of it, actually. I know we'll be fine and get our groove together and that she has so many resources to help her out as well, apart from me. And also that things will continue to change all the time and all is temporary. 

I know God is with us, I know we have our guardian angels, and I talk to them SO MUCH. They are the hand I've been holding on to when I need solace, when I need strength and conforting. When I need to feel mothered as well. 

Amen. Amen. Amen. 

Non Non Noooon!

Internet at home finally gives me the chance to write in here again.


My little space of sanity. Ironically, I am too tired at the moment, but let's give it a shot.


"non, non, non, je ne veux pas prendre l'air, noon non non non, je ne veux pas boire un verre..


NON NON NON NOOOON...je ne veux pas l'oublier, nooon non non non, je ne veux pas m'en passer


So, NONONONONONON, is what I need to say to a lot of things in my life right now. I need to say no and I'm struggling. With what, you ask? Struggling with the inner conflict of saying no and not being an "agreeable and easy person to deal with" anymore. Scared of not being "nice" anymore. Who am I kidding, of course I'll be nice about it, but I need to say no. I really wonder what would happen if I took it upon myself, this other persona...Of being a trouble maker, of saying the truth, of not smiling and saying "it's fine" all of the time. So many people do it, why can't I?? I'm programmed to be this way, full of little "expectation" antennae,
ready to pick up on any expectation people might have of me. 
So tired of this!
God help me this week, help me actually do something about this and not just sit here and whine about it. Help me act, help me be assertive, help me accept that I am allowed to be a pain, I am allowed to make things more difficult sometimes if that means making it better for me. It' not easy to make it easy for myself. 


Why don't write a book about being a moneyless aristorcrat who travels the world and writes about it? Thought of the day!

Catching up...

Aug 29^th

 (it actually looks nothing like this)

This new apartment is trippy. Trippy trippy. I am in a new neighborhood, actually, a new “city” and I know nothing about what lies below except how to get here and how to get out of here.

Everything is BRIGHT, there is so much sunlight I can see every single cat hair lying around, unmercifully. This is a plus, the old apartment was like a bat cavern, we had to turn lights on around every corner in the middle of the day to see our way around. Quite depressing like that.

I can see the trains that go by (we have trains in this city, really?), the subway on one of its only routes and the airplanes that come in for landing from far off distant lands. I am constantly reminded about how I am not getting out of here anytime soon. That’s ok, the sunlight softens that realization. :p

I’ve been without internet for the last few days (gasp!). That is one of the strangest thing, because I am actually forced to be here, where I am physically and limited to the “old ways” of communicating and knowing about the world. Until half an hour ago we had no cable (gasp, gasp!) and I’ve read more in these last 2 days in the last month.

I’ve had my first afternoon coffee in my new living room. I guess it is a baptism of sorts.

It’s starting to look like a home, although not mine yet. A start. I actually was dying to have to work today, but for some reason everyone sort of cancelled on me and I have had to deal with my new reality. I am here.

The view from the 26^th floor is vertiginous, like living on one of the airplanes that constantly fly by. 

Someone Else Talk

Let somebody else talk for a change...

From http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/How_to_Make_a_Really_Difficult_Decision.html

"Patients often contact me for therapy in the throes of a difficult decision. They want to know if they should get a new job or change their child's school, move to another city or leave their spouse.

When they can’t make a decision, it is usually not for lack of relevant information and advice but because of all of the unknowns. The future is certainly unknown. Making a decision can be risky; we might make a mistake.

Patients often lay out exhaustive lists of pros and cons at this point, weighing the potential risks against odds of success, hoping their therapist can tip the scales in one direction. If, after this exercise, they still can’t decide what to do, it is usually because of an inner conflict; something that a person may not wish to know about themselves.

Unfortunately, when we don’t want to know things about ourselves, there is a good reason for it. Either it would be too painful or too emotionally disorganizing to know it. All we have, at these times, is a lot of confusion and anxiety.

In fact, confusion and anxiety are excellent indicators that an inner conflict may be brewing; inner conflict is qualitatively different from fear of the future or of the unknown -- precisely because it is much more intense and emotionally gripping. If you find yourself perseverating about your problem, dreaming about it, feeling close to reaching a decision only to find yourself reeling back to indecision and confusion, and otherwise feeling like you are involved in some kind of emotional struggle, then you know you probably have an inner conflict about whatever decision you are trying to make – something you may not yet want to know about.

Trying to make a decision when inner conflict is at play is wildly difficult. It is almost like asking a mother to decide between two of her children. She can’t do it, even if one of them is obviously smarter or better than the other. Friends or family members can get very aggravated and annoyed and impatient when a rational decision can’t be made at these times. Inner conflict is difficult to comprehend and to resolve.

There is no formula for how long it takes to resolve an inner conflict so that we are free to make decisions and stop feeling gripped by a clenching anxiety. The world of emotions is not cut and dry like the world of logic; it’s murky. It requires patience. It can be frustrating and disappointing for all.

If you are ever faced with a not being able to make a decision, try to remember that you may have an inner conflict brewing. Then, put your list of logical pros and cons aside for awhile. Take out a blank sheet of paper or schedule a session where you can talk freely. Write, or talk, without thinking; free-associate. It may even work not to think at all about your problem at all for awhile; answers sometimes come to us like forgotten words, unexpectedly. If you can, try to wait for the right decision to make itself known to you. Eventually, it will."

De atestado

Quando a médica me deu dois dias de licença do trabalho, dois dias de atestado, isto é, eu achei tão pouco! Agora estamos no final do dia #2 e parece ter passado uma década aqui neste apartamento, entre estados febris e torpor na cama. Posso dizer que queria até estar no trabalho agora em vez de estar me sentindo assim...mas não posso dizer que gostaria de ter ido hoje.

Dois dias fora da órbita traçada por mim e pela escola nestes últimos meses foi algo esclarecedor. Tive o tempo e oportunidade de entrar em contato com muitas coisas que SEMPRE EXISTEM só que com a falta de tempo e de simples convivência, não estavam vindo à tona. Deu tempo pro silêncio e para escutar o que viria depois disso. Tive um vislumbre da minha vida para além do uniforme vermelho e a rotina de 2a-6a fim de semana que passa correndo, mais uma 2a-6a e assim por diante.

Pude ver, com ajuda, que aquilo que clama por minha atenção não é de ser ignorado. Aliás, se eu atender ao clamor, que alívio seria, que bom início de caminho eu consigo ver diante de mim!

É isso por agora. De orelha em pé.
shhh!

Frustration and Joy

My
body
is
worn
through
and
through

worn
to
its
every
fiber

commitment
learning
affection
limits and rules
restraint
and joy
frustration
rewards

worn
through
and
through

Sadness

My soul has grown silent tonight.
I am sad beyond words, beyond worlds.

I am silent, I am grieving. People crying on TV make me cry as if they were my kin.
I don't want to eat. I know I have to, but I dont want to. I wish mealtimes could just be skipped without notice.
I wish I could pass by without notice, slip away and not have it be a fuss.

I cannot fathom what I am sad about, but it is a sadness as big as my hands, as wet as this rain, and as weary as these lines.

Sister Love

Muito bom ter minha irmã aqui e só nós duas na casa, rainhas do nosso pequeno lar. 

Nos damos bem, nos divertimos, nos respeitamos nos nossos ritmos e preferências.

Só nós e mais ninguém com pitacos, com coerções, com agonias e chantagens emocionais.

Só nós e nos sentimos livres, responsáveis e em paz, aquela tensão que ronda cada esquina da casa não há.

Fazemos nossa comida, nossas compras, nossas atividades e limpezas como ninguém acredita que somos capazes.

Muito bom!
Esta semana entre o Natal e Ano Novo tem sido um lindo hiato do mundo, nós duas em nosso ninho e fazendo whatever the hell we want. WHATEVER THE HECK I WANT!
Não to a fim, não faço.
Simples assim. 
Sei que a vida volta ao normal semana que vem, mas tudo bem, isso é suficiente por agora. 

7AM

7AM in my apartment is full of shadows and incipient light reaching around the corners.
The sun is lazy, hazy,
not quite open for business.

7AM is heavy with heavy eyelids
and liquid with warm coffee.

7AM in my apartment is limbo land
No one is up but me
alien in my own house
tiptoeing around, hush, hush
feed the cats, make something that resembles breakfast

waiting a few more minutes - the sun will wake up
and it'll be time to get onto the busy streets of 7AM goers and doers.

My Shelves

today's soundtrack: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wnWud1IudG8

Fiona Apple - Please Please Please

Give us something familiar, something similar to what we know already

 that will keep us steady, steady,

steady going nowhere!

please please please... no more remedies

my method is uncertain, it's a mess but it's workin'

What should I do, how do I organize my mind with my necessities and my desires? With the crazy mood oscillations? Urgh, hate that last part. Destructive as all hell.

Migraines migraines, now I have to monitor these and keep a good ole diary of my attacks, possible triggers and etc. 

I'm confused as to my priorities at this given moment of the year.

What do I want? 

I know that.

What do I need to do, then? Perfect translation skills and languages skills. Okie dokie, so that's what the CTJ course has been doing for me in the English department. I feel the need to study more Spanish, but I wonder about the money involved. 

Which leads me to many other issues...

I want a routine, that I know. I want to have a routine and stick to it, that's the main problem. Each day something else comes up that make a routine very very secondary. A migraine, an unexpected panic attack, rain, no work, work, no work....students cancelling classes, trips, holidays, mom travelling in and out of town. Here enters the living in another country fantasy, constructing my own life fantasy. I want to construct the variables around me.  

What else do I want?

I want to define my IGTB status. I'm so tired of doubting it, of wondering, of being unsatisfied with my being there and my incredible desire of just letting it GO. It doesn't make anymore sense to me, it doesn't make any sense in my life. Do you understand the anguish this causes? It's like if I were investing in a quantic physics career when I KNOW that I'm not going to be a quantic physicist. And what am I doing then, just waiting for it to be OVER to go after what I really desire? Why am I not doing that now, then? See the issue? It really bugs me. Somewhere deep down I know that if I let it go, it'll be so important for me and will free me up to be who I feel to be most truly. 

I don't have answers to these questions, I have directions that point places and I have the desire to go. What is keeping me from going then, I ask? I know exactly what it is and I wonder here to myself, is it really worth it? (in case you are wondering, other people's opinios, my sense of failure, my own opinion, fear, fear, fear, fear and caution)

In one word, I am restless. I have the energy, I don't have the vector, like they say in Physics. That's just a recipe for entropy, I believe. Forgive my loose usage of all these very important terms, but I really don't remember the least of Physics. 

All I know at the moment is: let's go do my nails.

Cigarettes and Chocolate Milk

 listen here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i6N0sNMKFO4

Cigarettes and chocolate milk
these are just a couple of my cravings
Everything it seems i like's a little bit stronger
a little bit thicker
a little bit harmful for me

If I should buy jellybeans
have to eat them all in just one sitting
Everything it seems I like's a little bit sweeter
a little bit fatter
a little bit harmful for me

And then there's those other things
which for several reasons we won't mention
Everything about them is a little bit stranger
a little bit harder
a little bit deadly

It isn't very smart
tends to make one part so broken-hearted...


(Rufus Wainwright)

Hooked on this song at the moment. It's on repeat on youtube whilst I translate my incredible 26 page project, todo en español, thank you very much. 


also this one:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=riJJbPdCxBY&a=GxdCwVVULXcUhTH88pJq61IlnCb42w1r&list=ML&playnext=9


Oh what a world!


a little bit...
a little...
alittle


The lyrics kept pounding into my brain the whole day long and it really got to me. Me and my clonazepans, me and my chocolate cravings, me and my self denials and eternal pushing of boundaries. But such is life sometimes, human limitations and human humanity.


a little bit sweeter
a little bit harmful
a little bit harder
a little bit faster


Therapy's been going really well and my faith in the process has been restored. I got lucky, I guess, that I'm finally with the right person at the right time. I left the session today with a warm feeling in my heart that some actual work might get done this time and that I am ready for this new phase in my whole process.


Many questions and meanderings! Which is excellent, by the way...

Petit Readers

So...a thousand petit reader visitors, who are you? I imagine that about half of 1000 is me myself and I when I don't login, of course...another half of that my bf's...boy and best friend...then what? I wonder about the people I've never seen in my life and who somehow make it onto this page. Do any return after the first accidental encounter? Where do you live, where do you come from? Are you reading the English, the Portuguese, does anything make sense? 

Will I ever know who I write for, if anyone (except the obvious me!)? Show yourselves! (please!)

:P

So, that's the thought of the day. Moving on...

Passando muito mal ainda mas o final de semana + feriado bonus valeu a pena. Não pareceu Brasilia e aí está...citação do dia: "não é onde se está, é o que se faz". Posso dizer, tudo bem, até que se aplica muitas das vezes. 

Deus abençoe essa semana, I need it. Talvez role meu primeiro trabalho de traduçaõ, fingers crossed! 

Pelo menos já começou com uma ajudinha, segunda feira já é quarta!

Over and out.

Half-awake Pillow Poetry

So sleepy it's nice

nice contrast to insomnia

crazy rumination attack insomnia

just simple sleep with sheep and good night clouds

home alone with my home alone silence

feels like home to me

feels like some space to just be

just simple sleep that asks for simple pillows

life unfolds, rewinds and forwards

but for now, pause, unfold in peace

WRONG

Hora de dormir e estou com medo...na verdade, o dia inteiro senti medo dessa hora. A pressão voltou, a pressão ensurdecedora. Tive tanto medo que nem quis ver quem me ama e quem amo por medo de fazer mal, só de estar perto de mim. 


Ontem. Deitei. Apaguei a luz.
Rolled one way, then the other.
É só questão de tempo, vira aqui, vira ali....
Fique quieta!
E sim, questão de tempo
Bem rapidinhos, eles têm sido.
Voosh to the brain. Voosh to the images and thoughts and sayings.
Nítidos e sufocantes.
Vocês são insuportáveis e respeitáveis. 
Peguei o objeto cintilante, peguei firme nele e vocês sorriram.
Olhei e pedi a deus, ajuda. Aí soube o que fazer.
Sem sorrir entreguei a quem pode cuidar.
Voltei ao centro espírita onde cuidaram de mim com tanto amor a outra semana, onde me passaram tantos recados importantes e acreditei:
Vocês estão aí, como disseram, então toma isso daqui e me proteja. Peque essa cintilação e escondam de mim. 
Se eu pedir, que esteja com vocês e não com eles, vocês terão prudência e carinho. 
Eu não quero me cortar. Nem me machucar. Não quero querer isso.
Não quero machucar ninguém.
Mas então, mas então, por favor.
Por favor, alguém me explique então, porque quero? Porque querem?
Entreguei a maldita faca sem sentido e disse, cuidem.
Logo em seguida, dormi. 


A solução é sempre essa. Dorme - amanhã você vê. Assim vou levando muitas coisas e outras coisas vão sumindo e acalmando. Se extinguem. Não sei, não sei, não haverá uma grande conclusão nem grandes dizeres. Hoje me exauriu.
Posso fazer o mesmo comigo mesma igual que fiz com a faca? 
Olha só, me entrego a vocês, cuidem. Cansei.


Me contaram esses dias da crença indiana de que temos 3 fases na vida...na primeira somos cuidados, na segunda cuidamos de quem nos cuidou e também dos que geramos....na terceira somos cuidados pela sociedade e acabam os deveres familiares. 
Cuidados, palavra que mexe comigo.
Fiquei pensando...Se alguém cuida e é cuidado ao mesmo tempo na primeira fase, não fica com um pouco de crédito na segunda para continuar a ser cuidado? 
Talvez não me sinta tão culpada então de pedir.
I feel completely WRONG today. All wrong. All wrong and inside out and topsy turvey. It scared the hell out of me. Who am I kidding, I have no idea what I'm doing and what's going on. Sometimes I believe that I do, and I probably do, but then days like this come along and it turns around on me. And in the same way I can believe and KNOW what I'm about, in the same old way, I go and NOT KNOW a damn thing. It fades away and I feel cheated by myself. 
When days like these come along, I feel angry, unreliable, fickle, stupid, little and scared. Have I mentioned scared? Lots of memories come knock at the door of people and pains I wish were behind me and I really thought were behind me. Where do they come from? Go away. Wasn't I doing things right and prettifully? wrong! or right? or what?


And it so might happen that tomorrow I might wake up and feel like erasing this in shame, hoping nobody read it because - what was I thinking?
That is very likely and possible and also drives me crazy. What can I write then, what should I write? It already feels embarassing and I still feel what I wrote, imagine when it's not as clear?
Afff, like all the rest, this post feels all wrong too.
Good night!

Dear Diary

Me sinto muito pequena. small, piccola, petit.

Segunda feira não bem-vinda. Estou de mal existencial com essa semana.

5 da madrugada, segundo dia em seguida que acordo em um estado total de inquietude, com dez demônios ocultos respirando sobre mim. Vejo coisas horríveis e sinto pressão de fazer com que essas imagens se concretizem. As vezes cedo à imaginação e fantasio como poderia fazer para cumprir as sugestões e sinto alívio, eles me deixam em paz, contentes. Se não cedo, fico me retorcendo pra lá e pra cá na cama, sem reconhecer meu quarto, minha vida, com azia e medo. Mil questionamentos e cobranças. "Se você não tem um plano e se esquiva de se comprometer com um, é como se você não existisse de verdade, já é um suicídio. Fugindo da vida...até quando você acha que sai impune disso? Até quando você acha que as pessoas vão permitir isso?"

A essa altura, quando não tenho respostas e sou forçada a concordar com essas vozes, vai o R. salvador da pátria e derreto no alívio que ele traz. Outra fuga. Mas eles dizem, tudo bem, até a próxima...

Vejo com pânico que não consigo "baixar", por os pés no chão, caminhar direito. Sempre tem vôos e falta de gravidade. Flutuo, crio sonhos, durmo, fujo. As únicas coisas que fazem sentido para mim são coisas que não se encaixam, aparentemente, e não fazem sentido para o mundo. Tem algo errado comigo, sempre penso, qual é a dificuldade de seguir a vida como todo mundo? Será muito orgulho, me achar melhor do que o mundo, me achar separada e não me misturo à "gentalha"?

Medo terrível de que venha um vento mais forte e me leve embora.

Something to Seriously Consider

"The stomach always knows what it wants, it's quite amazing like that." - in a previous post not too far away

Quando escrevi "one enormous run-on for you", nao imaginava que estava tao perto de profetizar a magnitude dos poderes estomacais de expressao. A Grandileza, or Muchness, de seus poderes, como diria o Chapeleiro de Alice. O estomago bufou feito um vulcao quinta feira, uma insurgencia espetacular de acidez e ardencia. De acordo com a medica, gastroenterite. Espero que sim, pois de acordo com o Wikipedia, dura de 1 a 3 dias, e hoje e dia numero 3.

No centro pedi um passe, pois sentia a dor delineando os contornos do meu pequeno estomago. Deitei na maca e pensei comigo mesma, "se eu pudesse ver alguma coisa, estaria todo vermelho". Tomei o passe e ele me disse, "Tava todo vermelho, como em carne viva, agora esta rosa" e acrescentou "me explicaram que tem a ver com seu estado emocional e aplicaram algo a sua fronte, para equilibrar algo algo e algo" (que nao lembro direito). Pra cuidar da alimentaçao, especialmente!
Okay, sim senhores. De repente me senti como essas jovens businesswomen de 30 e tantos anos de terninho e uma pasta executiva, falando em dois celulares ao mesmo tempo, que se consome em uma ulcera fulminante. De repente, sou essa pessoa? De repente o estresse do mundo de negocios feroz virou meu estresse?

...

Graaande silencio. Something to seriously consider.
I want my muchness in ways other than illness, I pray thee.

Ah!

E nesse exato momento, lembrei do meu sonho, aquele que me fugiu o dia todo.
Estava num grupo que planejava umas Olimpiadas, mas era muito tosco e mal-feito, pois eramos um grupo de jovens e fizemos o possivel. Inventamos tudo, as coreografias, as fantasias, as danças, etc...So que acaba a nossa Olimpiada e os proximos sao a Finlandia que chega com aquele profissionalismo todo que realmente sao as Olimpiadas, estaturas nordicas, danças no gelo e fantasias elegantes na apresentaçao de abertura...Ficamos olhando, impressionados, no topo de uma montanha onde acontece tudo e onde fica nossa "escola", que e de internato, moramos la. Eu estou indo embora e decido adotar um coelho que e enorme e meio mutilado e aleijado, pois ele foi cortado na metade e juntado novamente, so que ficou mais curto que o normal e mais pernudo que o normal, entao ele nao consegue se movimentar muito bem, mas ele e muito simpatico. Sinto um amor enorme por ele, um carinho maternal instantaneo. Vou leva-lo comigo, mas ai me dou conta que nao posso levar esse coelho aleijado comigo, pois ninguem vai aceita-lo em casa, nao vou ter ajuda nem apoio para cuidar dele. Tenho que abandona-lo. Chorando, vou embora.

Hoje nao quero parar de escrever...mesmo virando essa coisa solta assim e nada nada editado nem bem elaborado. Nada de espertezas nem tecnica. O teclado nao tem nem acentos, entao francamente, o decoro foi-se faz tempo.
Ainda estou em recuperacao da tal "gastroenterite" e ja sinto sono profundo as 8 e tantas num sabado a noite. Um leve febrilamento que me segue desde ontem mas nada que seja febre febre. Lembro de 2a feira de clientes e atendimento e negocios e pessoas irritadas e sinto o estomago queimar um pouco mais. Parece que quer chorar, se pudesse. Nao me faça voltarrrr, noooooo! Eu olho pra ele e olho pra mim e me pergunto, havera lugar para nos nesse mundao de meu deus? Preciso achar, preciso desse lugar, ou melhor, preciso acreditar que isso exista, pois desse jeito nao da, nao vale a pena, nao e vida. Nao e a minha vida.
Algumas pessoas (leia-se, mae, leia-se, todas as pessoas que operam como ela) dizem, haha, grande coisa voce ficar nervosa, bem-vinda ao mundo!
O cinismo tem o mesmo gosto de buscopam, ou para ser mais adequada ao meu novo contexto, a gotas de dipirona pingados um por um, por um...ate 4o. Nao sei o que eu vi naquele coelho que me fez leva-lo, e depois o que me fez chorar. Porque e tao dificil se sentir adequado ou sentir o mundo adequado? Porque nao ha lugar para um coelho que pula engracado e de tao feio e bonito?
E mais importante que isso, o que esta acontecendo que pessoas precisam cortar coelhos ao meio?
Something to seriously consider...

No-sense

c'est moi ajourd'hui
n'est pas des beaucoup paroles

porque as imagens dizem demais
e

Dicono sempre molte cose
allo stesso tempo
sono integre

to join the ideas
the music, the poetry
the emotions
the languages
of mine

así como ves, así como es vivido
tan real como las imágenes de tus sueños
que no piden permiso a la lógica para ser así

simplesmente são
n'est pas un problème!

Hazy

"and I don't know how to slow it down, my mind's racing from chasing pirates..."

Oh Lord, one of those days. I want to write and my sentences lead me down a thousand dead ends. I’ve turned around after several of these and now I just give up. Here’s the wall, here’s me.

At my wall, there are many bricks. There is the height. I inspect and voilá, I see how the uneven layering of bricks make holding spots for my climbing little hands and feet. They itch. Stay or go? Stay and go.

My body feels like bricks and estranges itself from me. I can feel its pieces and many complaints that unnerve me and don't let me quite at ease. I'm not sure who she is, really.

Here's me. Don't know what this image is about but it was the chosen one today.

A pause, a moment, a haze.

Life has taken a different pace now that I’ve discovered climbing over things (and sometimes climbing back over). I suspect that like any newfound ability in the hands of the layman, I am overusing it, in my enthusiasm and glee. The word criteria or direction don’t resonate much, for the impulse to climb walls is everywhere and my muscles are getting stronger and stronger. The ability to push and pull, towards and away.

However, in this wave of change I still don’t know quite well where I am or how these changes have affected who I think myself to be. It’s shaky business it is, identity. I believe I’m walking around a bit hazy, forgetting things as essential as locking my car. For the first time since I can remember I actually wrote my dad an e-mail with one piece of news after another, I impressed myself.

There are people who posess the ability to recognize me for who I am now, and it amazes me how much, how surely and how calmly I love them.

I search for comfort in little acts that ground me in my newness. Drinking hot beverages in all sorts of ways has become one of them. Writing in this thing, another. But that's about it. Everything else is irremediably brand new and, in such, I inlclude the color scheme.

Donna bambina

“Alice” è un grande insegnamento sulla natura femminile”, le ho spiegato. “Può significare che una donna, quando si affaccia diciamo allo specchio della vita, e vi legge lo squallore con cui gli uomini e le cose vorrebbero imprigionarla, è spinta all’azione estroversa, fino ad apparire una perfetta libertina, disponibile a infrangere ogni tabù, pur di superare quello specchio e perdersi nel regno del Fiori Parlanti, con la speranza di diventare Regina o almeno incontrare, come nel racconto di Carroll, qualche Bruco che dà consigli.

Ma a volte sbaglia e insegue troppi conigli bianchi!

(di Donne delle Meraviglie di Alberto Bevilaqua)

2 anos atrás, no mês de maio, sonhei com a maya-nena, o famoso sonho com a “criança interior”. Tinha um outro bebê, mais velho um pouco, que brincava com ela, de vir correndo na sua direção. Ela corria para os meus braços para se “proteger”, rindo aquelas risadas gostosas de criança. Eu olhava para o meu rosto e sentia muito, mas muito amor. Mas ao final, não era só eu que precisava de seu sorriso, ela precisava dos meus braços, my adulthood.

Cosa vuol dire "sono una donna ormai?"; quante braccia ti hanno stretto, tu lo sai, per diventare quel che sei?

Re-li esse sonho essa tarde e vejo necessidade de reencontrá-lo. Há grandes tristezas que teimam em surgir e ressurgir - os tais coelhos brancos e o paradoxo: aparecem com regularidade mas sempre me pegam de surpresa. Por mais que a gente ache que resolve algo, que se despede, que superou...Eles têm sua existência e seu rumo...sigo ou fico? Ou melhor, de onde provêm tantos coelhos maledetti?

Vedo il buco nero che sarà il loro destino, cosa ci sarà aldilà del salto? Troppi conigli bianchi; non mi appartengono ma comunque mi chiamano. Quando li ascolto rimango così, immobile.

Ma oggi è un nuovo giorno, mi son svegliata di un sogno ingrato con fantasmi passati, con le braccia che mi hanno stretto. Nei sogni non ci sono opzioni, queste braccia sono catene. Meno male que por isso se ACORDA e si supera lo specchio.