Failure I am not.

This is my winter song to you.

The storm is coming soon,

it rolls in from the sea

My voice; a beacon in the night.

My words will be your light,

to carry you to me.

I've been having a series of very difficult days. Old problems back in new guises. I can't outright call these days shitty, for every day's closure brings me something new, and it can never be entirely shitty when I come to the realizations below and when my baby is who she is.

When the voice asks me, or mocks me - who the hell do you think you are?  I have to take a deep breath and go deep within me and find the answers for now.

Who am I?

I am guardian of my home  - I am the one who closes the windows so people sleep warm and tight, I am the one who makes sure there is enough laundry detergent, the one who makes sure Cora has snacked,  taken a bath, who knows when she needs to shampoo or not. I am the one who guards her nights. I am the one who shows up, day after day, I show up. I am here, I am here - constant. I am the one who made choices to be where I am now. I am the one who knows of my abilities, capacities, who knows that money, career and financial success are not measures of what I consider success. I am the one who made this choice, knowing how damn hard it is to live by this in this city, in this year of 2014. 

I am not failure, as a strong relentless inner voice would lead me to believe. The icky sticky claws of depression and anxiety attacks have taken hold, over and over again, this last month, 2 months? 3? I never know when it starts, so gradual its onset is. I've never wanted to admit that this happens, but it does. Being a mother did not change me as a person with my own emotional conflicts that do not regard motherhood. How to deal? How to deal with the insidious cruel voice that insists: FAILURE! FRAUD! You are better off dead, better off not her mother, better off out of everyone's life. What a midnight black creature this is, except that it's hidden in broad daylight - so ingrained in my soul sometimes that I have no idea where it begins and I end. 

Who am I?

I am the guardian of my home, I am the silent and oft invisible guardian of this home. I give my love in gestures, in dishes cleaned, in kisses given, in keys placed in the “correct” place, in trips to the park, to the playground, to grandma’s house…I "share" Cora despite my fears she’ll “leave” me because she'll "see" what a "failure" I am. I show her beauty, fun, enchantment, I insist these exist, despite the moments i'd rather just give up and shrivel away in a blanket. I show her the world I'd like to leave. I show her that I seek help, I tell her not to worry, for there are people helping, for mommy knows where to go and how to feel better. I tell her when I am feeling better, that that moment has passed. I show her who her mom is, and seek for the genuine in me. Which means - I am not a rainbow colored cookie baking mom but I am also not a failure, and the world is not going to fail us, dammit, it is not going to fail us now, because I have a beautiful baby who deserves to be shown the best as well and to revel in what the world offers, in contradictions but moreover, in truth. 

So I breathe deep at night, when everyone is asleep, no matter what kind of day it has been and I repeat to myself and shout to that monster: Hey! I showed up! In the worst of days, through the worst throes of depression, anguish and inner conflict, I showed up. So there, take, that. 

A failure, I. am. not. 

About Fear - The 9 Month Journey So Far

I want to register some things about the first months of Cora, about her little baby months before I forget. I already forget. First of all, I remember the FEAR. I felt so much fear with this tiny little creature in my arms, sooooo fragile, so brand-new, so needy, so baby!! And the responsibility scared my very bones. I was so tense and tired and weepy those first few weeks. My body ached, my belly ached from the surgery, my head was in all sorts of places - some dark ones too, because it was all so LONELY, being a mommy. For all the help one can have, it is lonely, for the changes going on in your soul are so indescribable, so far away from everything you used to know...It's like being bitch slapped into maturity. A very harsh awakening, at least for me it was. My body is softer and squishier, but the edges are worn and sharper. That's how I feel. I look at pictures of myself and have no idea who that person is. I've had so little time to feel like ME that I've lost me somewhere along the way. I think this might be a permanent thing and that whenever the time for this comes around again, I will have to reinvent this idea of me. I don't think the old me will be anywhere in sight. This is so very, very adult and abrupt, it's absolutely frightening. It's frightening to come home from the hospital all cut up, puffed up like a balloon, shocked still from the birth experience, not getting anywhere near enough sleep and expected to deal with it enough to care for the little creature. I remember when the fog started to clear, when things started becoming a bit less heavy, and I could smile and enjoy her presence...I was in her room, in our chair and I started feeling the joy of it and it made me want to laugh out loud, because things had been just plain awful until then and I hadn't had the courage to realize it, because that would just be impossible to deal with. Once it felt better I was able to realize what had happened and breathe a biiiiiig sigh of relief that it was showing hopeful signs of getting better. Amen. 

Now she's a big baby - a moving baby, dancing, singing and playful baby. it's SUCH a different roller-coaster ride now, completely different from my drooling spaced out inch-worming baby. I am grateful for that, because as much as it is still all-me consuming, it does get easier and our love affair does get stronger.

Us at the hospital

Me yellow. Me petrified and very much that little baby I hold in my lap.

Us a month ago. Less scared, but still a bit. And it's ok. 

Talking to Babies and Angels

I wrote this in February of last year, when I was in the wee beginnings of pregnancy - it could almost entirely apply itself yo the present moment. I was talking to the baby in my tummy about my fears and anxieties: 

"I want you to understand how this is not about you, that I love you very much. I want you to understand that I am trying to sort a lot of things out in order to be a better person, a happier person and therefore a happier mom to you. I am dealing with things without the buffering of anxiety meds or even work. My past demons, my present demons, my inner child and her grief, for starters. I am working through my arrogance and my terrible self-esteem. I am working on my life purpose, on what I am here to do and trying to tap into my inner truth, filtering it amidst so many different misleading voices.

I want you to know that I am trying very hard to be a good enough mother for you. I am sorry if the grief reaches you, or the anxiety. I hope you can understand at some level what it’s about and be able to digest it somehow. If not, I pray that God reach down his hand and blow it away like the wind blows away smoke or dandelions. Or that he stroke your newly formed hair for me..."

Amen, amen, amen..

little Cora, I wish all the same things now. 

I've been feeling so scared lately. That fear has returned. Everything is changing so fast, it seems, sometimes I don't know who my baby is anymore. She's just unfolding - SO FAST. My insecurities are mounting, so many unknown factors to deal with. Like her newfound separation anxiety. IOW, she cannot be apart from me, PHYSICALLY apart without breaking down into a real fit. Sometimes someone can distract her enough for the crisis to be averted, but it's difficult. My back hurts a lot from holding her so much. I feel overtouched, over tired, over needed. It's scary, like she's going to be a neverending pit of neediness, but I try to keep in mind it's a phase, she's going through something "scary" for her, understanding and coming to grips with the notion that mommy is a separate person from her, who can move around and who can - gasp! - leave! And the other way around too...she is mobile, she can move around, so she can go astray and get lost. Of course, I'm imagining, trying to imagine what is going on.

I changed her room around, got rid of the crib and made a low bed scenario so she can have more play space in her own room and also the possibility of exploring her surroundings more freely. It hurt my heart to take the crib apart, I did not see that coming. I didn't know the crib represented so much to me, it was weird. It was like I was saying that her baby self is gone now, even thought it's not!! She could've been in the low bed situation since she was born, I'm not doing it because now she's older or more mature...it's only because I found out about this possibility recently. But still, it hurt, and just thinking about it I want to cry again! Go figure. But she adapted well to her new bed and finds it interesting that around her bed is now a whole different universe...her mirror, her toys, the "art" on the walls...mommy in bed with her at times. Oh well. I'll adapt. And then I'll be attached to the low bed, cuz that's how I am, one attachment after another. 

I tried talking to her in her sleep yesterday about my insecurities, to see if it helps with HER insecurities. Who knows, right? Maybe she's catching on to what I'm feeling and that makes her doubly insecure. 

I'm scared sometimes and the pressure mounting on me - scared as in I want desperately to be able to take my anxiety medication - but I don't have it anymore, we are on our own. I'm anxious with Ez's stressful schedule, with my weird in-law family situation that I so not finding a good way to deal...with my ambiguous work situation,  the pain in my body, Cora's intense emotional needs, with her new schedule - especially her eating introduction. I feel it's not going too well, but maybe it's supposed to be a very slow process..how do I know? I don't feel that Ez is my support system when it comes to raising her because I've been making most decisions by myself and that also is scary. That's because I'm the one WITH her all day. 

I'm just bloody tired. I know there is hope, lots of it, actually. I know we'll be fine and get our groove together and that she has so many resources to help her out as well, apart from me. And also that things will continue to change all the time and all is temporary. 

I know God is with us, I know we have our guardian angels, and I talk to them SO MUCH. They are the hand I've been holding on to when I need solace, when I need strength and conforting. When I need to feel mothered as well. 

Amen. Amen. Amen. 

Thoughts on motherhood

I am so tired. It's like military discipline this is - the baby caring and constant self-forgetting, self-sacrifying. Or like zen discipline.
I don't know what I need to write about today, just that I do. There are a bunch of random thoughts that have been rumbling around up here in this head of mine...

What has changed for me, being a MOTHER now. (For chrissake, a MOTHER) What a loaded word that is, I'm not sure why. Several things surprise me about how this is playing itself out. Granted, I can only speak from a baby's mother point of view...but still. I am surprised at how natural it comes.
I mean, for such a loaded word, there's not that much too it.
I mean, once you get past the whole constant self-donation thing. That can be much if you struggle against it, or don't release life into that direction. Then it's painful, for there will be resentment and frustration and exhaustion. Struggling energies do that.
I don't even know what "feeling like a mother" is supposed to feel like, I thought there would be some magical mothery feeling that would all of a sudden take over, but not really. I know there is a baby, and I take care of her, and she lives here with us...and we see to it that she is as happy as possible. With the fiercest love possible. Is that being a mother? But then comes the side to this that wrenches my heart and grips at my stomach in fear - she is learning things - FROM US. From our daily example and our daily consistencies or inconsistencies. Am I worthy of this unquestionable imitation at least these first few years? SCARY. Also, I remember what a strong emotional influence my own mother was on me - both positive and negative - and that is another VERY SCARY thought. This power. Do I have the responsibility that should follow?
Then another more comforting thought comes in - the one that reminds me that she (my daughter) is a Being that has been existing way before this little baby self and has stuff to teach US as well... And that we get points for the "striving" part of this endeavor just as much as for the "doing well" parts. Actually, the "striving" is the whole point, or else everything would already be perfect and then there wouldn't be much of a point to any of this, would there? And also, there will be other people in her life to counter whatever negative influence I might have on her emotional life. Argh. What a difficult one to deal with, but good - Thank you God for the other people.

And another great comforting thought - there is no ultimate window of influence...whatever doesn't go so great can always be worked on, improved upon - communication, caring and constant self-analysis can go a long ways. It has for me.

Oh little one, we are in this together for sure. Love you to pieces. And the sheer and shattering dimension of this love makes me have no doubt in my mind that yes, I am a mother.

Amazing Things: a moment of altered consciousness

Deus, é tanta coisa para aprender...Lidar com todo esse potencial e toda essa vida em torno a nós é uma que tem me "cutucado" bastante ultimamente. Eis mais um trecho de diário.

March 3rd - Sunday

I discovered that I was way more scared than I believed to be when yesterday, all of a sudden I really STOPPED FEELING SCARED. I felt complete release, I felt life flowing through me in such an instense way... Friday, I found myself in a new situation - Cora and I and no Ez and no Ia and no anybody else. And I saw that it's doable. But I was still scared and exhausted.

Then Saturday came along - I don't know what happened, or how the "click" took place, but somewhere in me I was able to log in to the present and to the one-thing-at-a-time and being completely committed to what was in front of me. It just happened! And it was such a glorious surrender, it felt so right and my heart seemed to pace itself differently. She went down for a nap after lunch and I read a little of Annie Lamott's book about her grandson, so full of spiritual insights - and I took a nap, woke up - Cora STILL asleep - and then I went on Facebook - yes, FB of all places - and had this MOMENT. Reading through the Rede Materna's posts and Debora's replies and another woman's birth story...I felt and enormous wave of energy flow over me - my body was full of goosebumps. Energy as palpable as water, or a giant magnet of sorts...All of my body was vibrating in resonance, humming like my refrigerator.
And there it was - I felt like on a different planet.

Life was before me, so CLEAR, so SIMPLE, so DAMN BEAUTIFUL - i was lightheaded with so much beauty, a bit drunken on it. I took a shower in a state of Grace. Cora woke up and I felt...JOY. REAL joy. The fear was GONE. I looked at her and smiled from my heart, so grateful. It's very hard to describe what this feels like. Being with her was delicious - we went to the park and the feeling lingered, actually, it was intensified and amplified with Nature all around. I kept taking it in like a giant sponge, the energy in me and around me connecting with everybody else's. Sometimes I had to be careful and try to not let it all in at once or else it would be too much. We saw the grass, the ducks, the scouts in their blue uniforms and vibrant activities, people running by. And Cora. And us... It was perfect. i was so immersed in this state that I considered telling Ez what was happening but couldn't bring myself enough OUT of it in order to talk about it. I would ruin the whole surrender aspect of it. And I knew it wouldn't make much sense anyways.
Afternoon melted into night and I was in this fuzzy state - but now it was bothering me, I felt dizzy and weird, i needed some normal mundane life back.
I went to sleep praying and asking for help with this, for it was such a beautiful gift but I was having trouble organizing it in my own body.
Sunday came around and although the sickening light headedness had passed, the fear had not returned to what it was before. I started out only a bit scared - scared Cora wouldn't "let me" get enough sleep, that Ez would be gone too long,that I would be exhausted, etc, etc. But I started surrendering to the day, to each moment and necessity - cleaning, eating, Cora's needs, etc. And it happened again! Cora fell asleep and took a very long nap, about two hours more or less. And rhythm took over and I found myself not fearing her waking up...We went out for lunch and I wasn't afraid she would be exhausting or annoying with her never ending NEEDING something. When I was just THERE with her, for her, she was fine. THere was enough - enough patience, enough calmness, enough energy available.

When my energy is not being sapped away by FEAR - or resentment at Ez or anger, irritation or self pitying or victimization - amazing things happen. 

Some Thoughts on Age of Cora

Tem tanta coisa para escrever nesses dias, tanta coisa que eu sei que em pouco tempo irá me fugir e permanecer como vaga lembrança desses primeiros meses de ser mãe.


Eu já não me lembro muito bem dos primeiro mês, tenho que fazer um esforço para trazer as lembranças e sensações à tona. Mas sabe de uma coisa? Percebi que há sabedoria nesse mecanismo de fácil esquecimento, pois o primeiro mês foi bem...digamos...incrivelmente assustador. A começar pelo parto, cujas lembranças ressurgem em momentos inesperados, especialmente no corpo, em forma de sensação física mesmo. Meu corpo está se ninando ainda e preciso ter cuidado com ele. Depois os primeiros dias, as primeiras impressões...O medo de que aquele primeiro mês NUNCA FOSSE PASSAR. A fragilidade de seu corpinho, do meu corpinho. O pavor de tudo, do desconhecido.

Agora estamos em outra fase. Já nos conhecemos um pouco melhor e Cora começa a explorar os arredores. É muito engraçado observar um ser humanozinho descobrindo o mundo por meio de seus sentidos recém desenvolvidos, tão deslumbrados com tudo.

Tudo é uma ambiguidade só. Quero e não quero que ela cresça, quero e não quero estar com ela e muitas vezes, quando alguém está com ela, sinto alívio e uma dorzinha por dentro de querê-la de volta comigo. Quero e não quero trabalhar. Quero e não quero sair de casa, ver gente, socializar. Quero e não quero tudo ao mesmo tempo.

Não olho para trás no sentido de pensar, ai, e se ela não estivesse aqui? Eu até me pergunto, sim, mas com um medo terrível, pois acho que ela estar aqui está tão melhor do que qualquer outra possibilidade. Ela mudou tudo irremediavelmente para o melhor, deu um upgrade na vida, na familia, nas relacoes, nas prioridades. Cora virou a página, uma página que estava teimando em ficar grudada lá, forever estanque. Abro o caminho com satisfação para você, pequena, que as prioridades sejam suas agora, pois as minhas estavam com nada, só me enlouquecendo e neurotizando.

Faço grandes planos para você - penso no seu quartinho daqui uns anos. Penso no cantinho de artes que vamos fazer, nas idas ao parque, nas visitas aos avós, nos livrinhos que vamos ler. Mais tarde, na escolinha, no esporte/dança/atividade xis que você vai curtir...nas manhãs preguiçosas de domingo, todos de pijama na cozinha, você contando altas histórias e aventuras que teve nos seus sonhos.

Enter Age of Cora.

Algo muda

Sabe quando algo muda, no ar? Em volta de você? Cheguei em casa ontem e senti isso com muita força. A preta velha estava certa..."você vai se surpreender" e ai deu uma risada gostosa.
As horas caíram de volta para seu lugar de pano de fundo e não como tic tacs de 1000000 decibéis.
Em casa, de repente, você se sente em casa, o coração acalma, a sujeira já nao incomoda do mesmo jeito. Algo se afrouxou.
Acordei de manhã e o dia não parecia tão ameaçador, a cama parecia muito muito confortável e acolhedora. Nada é tão urgente ou impossível.
enfim.

Algo está virando CASA.

Month Six

What a month this is turning out to be. 

It is month 6. 

6 of 12.

1/5

0.5

Half of the year, exactly, and I transtion with precision into a different phase.

During all of month 6, I have initiated leaving a job and initiated starting another one. On the same day I gave my 4 weeks' notice and landed a successful job interview. Then initiated both processes. 

Month 7 it will all be complete. 

I almost lost it this week, I started to lose faith in and sight of myself (there's preposition power for you...).

And then miraculously (it always feels miraculous), life shifted back into place, or better yet, life shifted back into a better place. There always is a place, right? Are wormholes space? Hmm...

But I digress.

I've bitten through my bottom lip, a new precious nervous habit I've picked up. It's obsessive to have nervous habits...you begin and suddenly, HOW TO STOP?? 

I can't believe I've found a job and a profession I feel at home with, which makes this city feel like home again. 

It's not a new job, teaching English...but it's changed completely for me. The new school and approach and coworkers...and the experience at Maple Bear has also changed me, for the better. 

During my training week at the English School I kept having flashbacks of my Middle and High School English classes. I loved them so much and during my 5 years at University and intensive Psy training I really missed these classes and this way of looking at the world, through language and the magic of texts, written or read. The attention given to each word, the way they go together, synonyms and similes...

 

In these flashbacks, I remembered Ms. Reynolds, the most influential English teacher I've ever had. She incentivated me to write and recognized my need for this form of expression, and also my ease at it. She nurtured this feeling in me and made it blossom. I wish I could find the letter she wrote me when we parted ways, where she asked me to never stop writing and always keep a journal and free-write every day, for I had material in me for thousands of stories, plays, etc..

She was sweet. 

I always hoped I could get her contact information and tell her how much I remember her and am grateful...As a teacher myself now, I know that would be something she would like to receive.

Ms. R, I hope you get this message out there, somehow...I'll keep looking.

Getting Somewhere

Some things take getting used to. 

For some people that might mean a week, two..maybe a couple of months. 

In Maya land, that means almost a semester doing the exact same thing and only NOW, NOW, almost JUNE, I've gotten to a point where it's coming (more) naturally, time actually goes by without much ado and I can have a life outside this "new thing". 

I know I've said this before..but every week my relationship with my job changes, grows, morphs...It's intensive adaptation in many, many, many senses. 

Go beyond the obvious, the "actual job and routine". 

That's not what I'm talking about anymore.

It's more like...

Adaptation to what I thought I should be doing and what I'm actually doing.

Adaptaton to what the "bosses" believe I should be doing and what I feel is best (and eventually end up doing).

My adaptation to the kids and theirs to me. To the coworkers...

To people's moods...ideologies...

To my moods and fears... 

Sounds boring...it is, pretty much. 

What fascinates me in all this is the novelty of the idea that I'm sticking it out. That I'm doing something normal. Me! Normal!

Of course, I'm considering when to get out...but it's different from before. I'm dealing with the panic of it, and not taking the straight route of bailing. I consider bailing - I go into total and outright crisis - but then I'm able to go back to middle ground of level-headedness and considering the other option. 

That is the fascination in play. I have a budget, for christ's sake, I have long-term plans. The crises don't stick to me like superglue...don't stick to my stomach. So yes, I have fledglings of long-term plans...And more, I'm actually curious to give them a shot and see what happens, how it all turns out.

I think I might be getting somewhere.

Luce che cade dagli occhi

Ascoltami, ascoltami...siamo luce che cade dagli occhi!

Domani tenho meu primeiro bico de tradução simultânea, logo italiano, logo no Itamaraty!
Mas que bom que é logo! LOGO!
Tenho me surpreendido com a vida ultimamente, com as oportunidades que surgem assim e com a facilidade que tenho tido em aceitá-las. Bem, com MAIS facilidade que antes. Não estou morrendo de ansiedade, por exemplo. Tenho confiança intrínseca dentro de moi. E engraçado, mas o trabalho na escola me ajudou nisso, pois surgi do nada e tive que confiar em tudo que eu sou e sei e...deu certo.

And the season changes,
There will be new roses
Life goes on
Here and beyond that horizon
Goes on and it changes,
and it changes you too

a song about feet

ascoltare mentre leggi: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_HZjC_7CeW4

Waiting for my Real Life to Begin

Colin Hay

Any minute now my ship is coming in
I'll keep checking the horizon
And I'll stand on the bow
And feel the waves come crashing
Come crashing down, down, down on me

And you said,"Be still, my love
Open up your heart
Let the light shine in"
Don't you understand?
I already have a plan
I'm waiting for my real life to begin

When I awoke today suddenly nothing happened
But in my dreams I slew the dragon
And down this beaten path
And up this cobbled lane
I'm walking in my own footsteps once again

And you say,"Just be here now
Forget about the past
Your mask is wearing thin"
Let me throw one more dice
I know that I can win
I'm waiting for my real life to begin

Any minute now my ship is coming in
I'll keep checking the horizon
And I'll check my machine
There's sure to be that call
It's gonna happen soon, soon, oh so very soon
It's just that times are lean

And you say,"Be still, my love
Open up your heart
Let the light shine in"
Don't you understand?
I already have a plan
I'm waiting for my real life to begin

On a clear day
I can see, see for a long way

On a clear day
I can see, see a very long way

Still

My lungs feel tired again, like exactly a month ago. It feels tiresome to breathe and speak. Anything involving air through pipes. Does not feel nice at all. :/

But just putting that aside a minute, I actually feel very good.

As I made my way to school today, I felt oddly calm. I remember thinking: I finally have a routine. A real routine where I feel secure in every aspect. I don't dread going to work, I don't dread waking up or going to sleep...I mean, it's all ok. It even occured to me in a one big illuminated thought, I LIKE WHAT I'M DOING! That's got to be a first in a long time. I not only like it, I LIKE it, with all my body. Can't put it into words quite well.
That just confirmed intself when my colleague told me she's really happy with me and believes that by the end of the year I would be qualified to take on a class myself, as the teacher teacher. I looked at her, eyes wide open and something in that resonated. She asked me: do you want to be a teacher here? do you want to be a teacher, do you like this? do you want to work in schools? why don't you want psychology?

Aaah, one after another, and all I could do was listen and have some strange light dawn on me...Maybe I am finally where I'm meant to be. I had no reason to say no to her ideas and encouragement, unless I intentionally wanted to boycott myself. It was crystal clear.

A little girl fell asleep in my arms today and I wanted to take her home with me, or better yet, I wanted one of my own...and it was worth every minute of stress and repetition...she felt conforted enough to sleep with me. So much stillness...shhh

I am so relieved because I feel still inside.
I am exactly where I'm supposed to be.

Assim

Estou tão assim esses dias que não sei dizer ao certo que dia é. Quando digo assim, leia-se: ASSIM.
ASSIM seria como?
Entrando de cara numa vida que há um mês era pura novidade e especulação. Me achando no meu pequeno espaço no trabalho. Hoje minha "chefe imediata" me disse coisas que me fizeram muito feliz, MUITO FELIZ. Foram elogios simples, de como estava indo bem e como era boa no que fazia, mas eu me senti inflar literalmente, lá mesmo sentada no tapetinho com tres crianças tentando compartilhar meu colo. Me senti inflar, nada estava pesando - feliz de estar sendo reconhecido dentro do sofrimento que tem sido essas semanas, apesar dela não fazer idéia de nada disso; sofrimento de insegurança e muito esforço. è uma sensação difícil de descrever, mas vale uma lágrima de felicidade. Está valendo a pena.

Eu me aventuro a dizer que hoje é 4a...certo?

A grama

Mais um pedaço do retalho que foi 2005...

20 de novembro de 2005

Quando encostei os pés descalços na grama, a sensação de prazer formigou nas minhas pernas e caminhei com vontade de rir...Entrei num transe estranho, fui transportada para um lugar onde só existiam meus pés e a grama molhadinha. Sentei debaixo da minha árvore predileta e voltei para mim aos pouquinhos. Pensei em Deus, pensei na minha confusão. Pensei, Deus! Eu quero me curar! Deu vontade de chorar pois o cansaço e o desespero me rodeiam dia e noite e luto com tudo para não me deixar dominar por eles. 

Mas Deus! Como é difícil!!

senti a grama e senti como somos frágeis mas ao mesmo tempo, olha eu aqui! Quase 3 meses depois que tudo começou...o que quero dizer é que continuo aqui, viva. Não sei muito bem COMO! Deus! Quero me ajudar, mas porque sinto tão poico poder? Estou fazendo certo? Queria ter um sonho revelador ou sei lá..Não sei bem como cuidar de mim porque não sei o que eu tenho. 

Mas a natureza...ela não tende à saúde? meu corpo por si não vai lutar pela saúde naturalmente? Minha mente?

Deus, me sinto muito perdida

What Dreams May Come

Em breve, mais um mês desse ano se encerrando e trazendo consigo dezembro, bendito dezembro com todas suas emoções e conclusões.
Não pretendo escrever um post de revisão do ano, ainda há tempo para isso, só comento que o final de novembro pode ser tão significativo quanto o resto. Em dezembro, é oficial. As luzes pisca pisca se acendem, a cidade se ilumina e os semestres se encerram. No ar pende o sentimento de que algo está chegando a um fechamento, goste-se dele ou não.
Penso no ano que vem e nos rumos que virão. Nos rumos que se apresentarão, nos que serão escolhidos e nos que serão impostos. Funny the way it is...

What dreams may come

Penso nos sonhos e as vezes no abismo entre o sonho e nas ações necessárias para alcançá-lo. Por que tanto medo? Medo de se conseguir o que se quer, de ser feliz? Melhor ser infeliz no conhecido do que se aventurar no desconhecido? Ou medo de se ter e depois perder? Mystery to me.

E a chuva cai e cai, mas só chove e chove

All Together Now

Se não vou até os países, os países que venham até mim.
Lendo jornais onLine, os principais do mundo. Anotando vocabulário, expressões, maneiras de dizer.
Il Corriere della Sera, La Nación, El País, Le Monde, The New York Times, etc...
Entro num mundo paralello de verbos e expressões idiomáticas. Tento me colocar nos cérebros nativos e isso já ajuda o eterno desejo de conhecer tudo que há e fazer parte.
Que venham mais traduções que me "obriguem" a fazer o que mais gosto e ainda ser renumerada!

Vamos dar um jeito, vamos dar um jeito de ficar aqui, de ir pra lá de morar aqui, de morar lá, de morarmos junto, de estar com eles de estarmos com os outros eles, de ficarmos nós dois, de equilibrar família, casal, profissional, pessoal, presente passado e futuro. Faço o que for preciso para dar esse jeito, "dar um jeito" e continuarmos felizes, juntos. 
Vamos conversar e rir e chorar ainda muitas vezes e vou dizer e repetir e repetir: TE AMO!

Vou achar um caminho.

(photo from http://wink.nixone.com/)

"Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?" 

"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat. 

"I don't much care where—" said Alice. 

"Then it doesn't matter which way you go," said the Cat. 

"As long as I get somewhere," Alice added as an explanation. 

"Oh, you're sure to do that," said the Cat, "if you only walk long enough."  

 - Through the Looking Glass, Lewis Carroll

Dentro de mim chegou o momento de me movimentar e fazer algumas coisas acontecerem. 
Estive em um período de hibernação e de observação, ainda estou.
Nonostante, sento che qualcosa si muove e le cose che prima erano soltano sogni adesso possono essere possibile. 
Ecco le parole ed idee che fluttuano quà e là.

Ambasciata Italiana - Borse di Studi
Embaixadas que falam inglês - sites - Job Opportunities
Curso Tradução Simultânea ou Intérprete
Finire il corso Thomas in 2 mesi
Itamaraty - nível médio assistente...
étudier le français!
Go back to an English School to earn the extra buck or two
EAB T.A. job
Continuar projeto de tradução GT - Monografia?!


etc.




Estou aqui, observando, sonhando, acordando e acreditando que possivelmente possa ser possível e que não seja tudo parte de um incrível e complexo pesadelo.