Talking to Babies and Angels

I wrote this in February of last year, when I was in the wee beginnings of pregnancy - it could almost entirely apply itself yo the present moment. I was talking to the baby in my tummy about my fears and anxieties: 

"I want you to understand how this is not about you, that I love you very much. I want you to understand that I am trying to sort a lot of things out in order to be a better person, a happier person and therefore a happier mom to you. I am dealing with things without the buffering of anxiety meds or even work. My past demons, my present demons, my inner child and her grief, for starters. I am working through my arrogance and my terrible self-esteem. I am working on my life purpose, on what I am here to do and trying to tap into my inner truth, filtering it amidst so many different misleading voices.

I want you to know that I am trying very hard to be a good enough mother for you. I am sorry if the grief reaches you, or the anxiety. I hope you can understand at some level what it’s about and be able to digest it somehow. If not, I pray that God reach down his hand and blow it away like the wind blows away smoke or dandelions. Or that he stroke your newly formed hair for me..."

Amen, amen, amen..

little Cora, I wish all the same things now. 

I've been feeling so scared lately. That fear has returned. Everything is changing so fast, it seems, sometimes I don't know who my baby is anymore. She's just unfolding - SO FAST. My insecurities are mounting, so many unknown factors to deal with. Like her newfound separation anxiety. IOW, she cannot be apart from me, PHYSICALLY apart without breaking down into a real fit. Sometimes someone can distract her enough for the crisis to be averted, but it's difficult. My back hurts a lot from holding her so much. I feel overtouched, over tired, over needed. It's scary, like she's going to be a neverending pit of neediness, but I try to keep in mind it's a phase, she's going through something "scary" for her, understanding and coming to grips with the notion that mommy is a separate person from her, who can move around and who can - gasp! - leave! And the other way around too...she is mobile, she can move around, so she can go astray and get lost. Of course, I'm imagining, trying to imagine what is going on.

I changed her room around, got rid of the crib and made a low bed scenario so she can have more play space in her own room and also the possibility of exploring her surroundings more freely. It hurt my heart to take the crib apart, I did not see that coming. I didn't know the crib represented so much to me, it was weird. It was like I was saying that her baby self is gone now, even thought it's not!! She could've been in the low bed situation since she was born, I'm not doing it because now she's older or more mature...it's only because I found out about this possibility recently. But still, it hurt, and just thinking about it I want to cry again! Go figure. But she adapted well to her new bed and finds it interesting that around her bed is now a whole different universe...her mirror, her toys, the "art" on the walls...mommy in bed with her at times. Oh well. I'll adapt. And then I'll be attached to the low bed, cuz that's how I am, one attachment after another. 

I tried talking to her in her sleep yesterday about my insecurities, to see if it helps with HER insecurities. Who knows, right? Maybe she's catching on to what I'm feeling and that makes her doubly insecure. 

I'm scared sometimes and the pressure mounting on me - scared as in I want desperately to be able to take my anxiety medication - but I don't have it anymore, we are on our own. I'm anxious with Ez's stressful schedule, with my weird in-law family situation that I so not finding a good way to deal...with my ambiguous work situation,  the pain in my body, Cora's intense emotional needs, with her new schedule - especially her eating introduction. I feel it's not going too well, but maybe it's supposed to be a very slow process..how do I know? I don't feel that Ez is my support system when it comes to raising her because I've been making most decisions by myself and that also is scary. That's because I'm the one WITH her all day. 

I'm just bloody tired. I know there is hope, lots of it, actually. I know we'll be fine and get our groove together and that she has so many resources to help her out as well, apart from me. And also that things will continue to change all the time and all is temporary. 

I know God is with us, I know we have our guardian angels, and I talk to them SO MUCH. They are the hand I've been holding on to when I need solace, when I need strength and conforting. When I need to feel mothered as well. 

Amen. Amen. Amen. 

Remodeling

Hey there. Me. Yes, me.
Tá na hora de se focar, de tentar pelo menos. As energias puxam para a dispersão e eu quero foco. A cabeça está no ar, na tontura, eu quero chão. Terra. Conexão com o que está na minha frente.

Estão tentando me puxar para uma conexão para além do que está na minha frente? Será que o aprendizado é esse? Poder doar minhas energias a duas dimensões ao mesmo tempo? Isso seria um feito e tanto.

Mas é assim, vida, energias, ou quem quer que esteja me puxando para lá:
Cora. É prioridade. Cora e eu, por extensão. Cora, eu e Ez, idem.
Esse é o triangulo fechado e qualquer coisa que tente se adentrar e cortar qualquer lado desse triângulo não é bem-vindo. Se puder ser de forma mais harmoniosa, agradeço e juro que tentarei colaborar.

Ouviu? Ok. Amen. Obrigada. Tchau.

Non Non Noooon!

Internet at home finally gives me the chance to write in here again.


My little space of sanity. Ironically, I am too tired at the moment, but let's give it a shot.


"non, non, non, je ne veux pas prendre l'air, noon non non non, je ne veux pas boire un verre..


NON NON NON NOOOON...je ne veux pas l'oublier, nooon non non non, je ne veux pas m'en passer


So, NONONONONONON, is what I need to say to a lot of things in my life right now. I need to say no and I'm struggling. With what, you ask? Struggling with the inner conflict of saying no and not being an "agreeable and easy person to deal with" anymore. Scared of not being "nice" anymore. Who am I kidding, of course I'll be nice about it, but I need to say no. I really wonder what would happen if I took it upon myself, this other persona...Of being a trouble maker, of saying the truth, of not smiling and saying "it's fine" all of the time. So many people do it, why can't I?? I'm programmed to be this way, full of little "expectation" antennae,
ready to pick up on any expectation people might have of me. 
So tired of this!
God help me this week, help me actually do something about this and not just sit here and whine about it. Help me act, help me be assertive, help me accept that I am allowed to be a pain, I am allowed to make things more difficult sometimes if that means making it better for me. It' not easy to make it easy for myself. 


Why don't write a book about being a moneyless aristorcrat who travels the world and writes about it? Thought of the day!

Tabitha

Tabitha is gone. Shit, shit, shit.
She's gone and all i can do is swear. Really, you would think i could think of something else. But I'm mad. And grieving.

It's the oddest feeling, a little cat that gets into your heart like this.
I can't believe this freakin apartment killed her. The vertiginous 26 floors.

All I can do is believe that as she was falling a cat angel took her from her body and back up to her home and let her say goodbye to us while we slept and told her it was going to be alright. Cat Heaven must be the best place on Earth.

Rest in peace my baby, I'll miss you!!

Pieces

Ghost figures of past present future haunting the heart....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b-8LctWclW4&NR=1

When I would play my song
You used to sing along
I always seem to forget
How fragile are the very strong

I'm sorry I can't steal you, I'm sorry I can't stay
So I'll put band aids on your knees
and watch you fly away

I'm sending you away tonight
I'll put you on a bird's strong wing
I'm saving you the best way I know how
I hope again one day to hear you sing

You know we're not so far away
Get on a boat, get on a train
And if you ever think you're drowning
I'll try to slow the rain...

(Ingrid Michaelson, Bird's Song)

Vertigine

La vertigine non è paura de cadere, ma voglia di volare

Ascoltare: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xw4-3FoFxg&feature=related

So, imagine the feeling. You're on a plane. A big jumbo airliner. Over the planet, thousands of miles over ocean and clouds, in the middle of nowhere. Know the feeling?


(Listen to the music a little bit before proceding...)


Now imagine that little fright you feel when the airplane tips one wing down suddenly, and starts to turn, almost 180 if not that...Have you ever felt that? And if you happen to be by the windows, suddenly you are either looking straight up into the sky, into miles of atmosphere away from the ground...or, if on the other side of this tipping plane, directly to earth, face down to the rooftops and tiny silver lakes and rivers. 


I feel like I'm in a big ol' tipping jumbo plane and looking straight up at the sky. 


Algo que escrevi dia 24 de dezembro de 2006...
"A volte la vita mi sembra grande...troppo grande e mi fa triste pensare che non posso viverla TUTTA, che non è possibile essere in tutti i posti allo stesso tempo. É uma sensação que sufoca. GANAS. O que me confunde é a questão de quem sou, como conciliar tantas coisas. IDENTITÀ."


E continuo este texto aparentemente desconexo com outra citação, de Italo Calvino:


"Volare è il contratio del viaggio. Attraverso una discontinuità dello spazio sparisci nel vuoto. Accetti di non essere in nessun luogo, per una durata che è anch'essa, una specie di vuoto nel tempo; poi riappari, in un luogo e in un momento senza rapporto col dove e col quando in cui eri sparito."


Adoro essa citação. Faz todo o sentido para mim e minhas viagens. É exatamente a sensação que experimento lá em cima e talvez o motivo pelo qual às vezes queria que não acabasse nunca o vôo e pudesse ficar nesse momento suspenso, em descontinuidade do mundo, tempo e espaço.
(Para os que ficaram perdidos: )
"Voar é o contrário da viagem. Por meio de uma descontinuidade do espaço, desapareces no vazio. Aceitas de non estar em lugar algum, por uma duração que é também uma espécie de vazio no tempo; depois reapareces, em um lugar e em momento sem relação com o onde e o com o quando de quando desapareceste."


Deus, que esta avião me leve a algum lugar seguro, com gente amigável e um sol pra esquentar. Estou assustada com a turbulência e a guinada do plano de vôo...o estômago se revira, mas estou confiando. Normal ficar nervosa, né mesmo?

Doing the Jellyfish

Vontade de escrever, sobre qualquer coisa. 

A rotina na escola aos poucos se está tornando algo mais palpável, mas confiável. São muitos pequenos, os meus pequenos, mas basta um ano e pouco de vida para já terem suas vontades e birras fenomenais, além das outras coisas que todos sabem que fazem os bebês serem fofos. Mas...sinto que já lhes conheço melhor, do tipo, é, eu sei que você é lindo de morrer e fofinho quando fala balbuciando assim, mas também sei quando você vira gente humana, com as chatices implícitas. Ou seja, tô te vendo!

As pernas estão se acostumando também...pernas, joelhos, coxas, pés, tornozelo...cada centímetro está sentindo o esforço requerido de ter que acompanhar o ritmo deles. 

Estamos chegando no final da segunda semana e já penso tanta coisa. Penso que é desesperador, penso que não vejo a hora de chegar julho, penso que raios fui fazer nessa escola, penso que estou aprendendo horrores e é por isso que o cansaço está tão grande. A experiência está intensa, tanto é que na hora de dormir eu ouço as vozes das "misses", as vozes das crianças (os gritos e choros especialmente!), as músicas que cantamos...vejo o vermelho do uniforme, o verde da massinha...ó, a massinha tem uma consistência e um cheiro que fica na mão que não aguento mais!

I'm listening to Jack Johnson's Bubble Toes...

When you move like a jellyfish, rythym is nothing you go with the flow you don't stop...

É tipo isso. Go with the flow, you don't stop...Penso em parar várias vezes, as vezes me vem pânico, "como vou aguentar meses disso?" Dá vontade de chorar, sinceramente. Não sei o que é tão extenuante trabalhar com estas pequenas criaturas, um misto de enorme responsabilidade, atenção, vigilância, estar sempre antecipando tudo, disciplinar, brigar sem brigar...sem falar na coluna que sofre e as já citadas pernas. 

Entre essa adaptação ao novo trabalho e nova rotina, entre a visita do meu pai, entre a finalização do estágio na clínica e a visita de uma amiga do Japão, fevereiro está tendo que ser o mais aqui-agora possível. Não há tempo para devaneios e para pensar em outros sonhos, tal como a tradução e qualquer outro curso que já posso ter mencionado. Um belo exercício de aqui-agora como jamais foi visto.
Acredito que em março eu comece a sentir algum resquício de normalidade e tranquilidade.
(amen)

If...continued

I have just read through my If...post (from way back in 2010) and I just did the first thing on that list. Without really realizing it, without planning to do so, I said, I can't do it anymore. And she listened and said, I understand, do what you have to do. I didn't even figure out what was after the "IF".

Now my stomach hurts I'm so nervous.

Tomar a decisão a partir da mulher maya e não da criança...será? Questiono um pouquinho isso.
Mas vamos lá.
A criança teria medo de decepcionar todo mundo, ficaria calada e terminaria o curso para mais uma vez ter uma estrelinha dourada grudada na testa. A menina sentiria tanto medo de fazer algo diferente que não faria e ficaria chorando sozinha enquanto "dá conta".

ou...
a menina choraria e diria, não dou conta, mãe, por favor faça algo, por favor me libere!
Mas não tem mais mães para me liberar ou ir pra secretaria por mim. Não tem mãe para por a mão na testa e constatar a febre. Seria a eu-mulher que teria que fazer isso por mim mesma?

The voices that screech FAILURE in my head won't let me be.
FAILURE, COWARD, STUPID, SCREWED, ETC...All sorts of pleasant things.
They say, you won't be able to handle it, the not knowing, the consequences of letting go of what you know but no longer love. I know I love the people that are there, I know I love the way they make me feel safe. But at the end of the day, these people are not here with me and they are not there with me when I'm facing the possibilities of my life. They're out there facing their own.

So what is it gonna be? Can I handle the consequences of my decision, EITHER WAY? Stay or go? What makes me sick to my stomach is the feeling that I can't handle it either way. That it no longer pends on the decision itself, but on my own existance, pure and simple.

I'm scared of getting sick again, scared of the fever.

What is wisdom in this case, what is prudence, what is stupidity?

God, I pray to thee tonight like I haven't in a long time. Please help me through. Please help me through, don't leave me hanging by a thread, please don't let me flip out on myself, don't let my body lose faith and begin to lose ground.
Please god, please.