Petit Homicides

A few years ago I came to understand why people do any kind of drugs or have any kind of vices.

I came to understand how people can get lost and can give up on life, on many different levels.

All of this because I came to understand these potentials in my own self.

But there were other things I didn't quite get. One of these things is violence.

Now I get it. 

I understand why people can resort to it, I understand the utter hopelessness of violence, the feeling that takes over when nothing else seems to work. I understand this potential in me.

Jesus sure had it right, don't you dare judge somebody, for ANYTHING. You can never hope to vouch for your behavior put under extreme circunstances. You can never say, "but if it were me, I would never..." Don't. Just stop. Stop judging, just stop, stop, stop.

God, we are so ignorant.

So fragile.

So finite.

So hurtful and hurting, out of pure ignorance, prejudice, etc. etc.

And most of the time, lost.

Childhood is such a fragile thing as well...children taken care by adults who were children themselves just yesterday...and the children can't fathom that this grown-up who supposedly knows it all is so fragile himself, so full of fears and flaws and limitations. How deluded we are, as kid, how protected in our own little worlds. The loss of innocence is tragic, but also necessary

Make a Move and Stay Awake

Ascoltare: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gheYf9kvBRw&feature=related

You say you wander your own land

but when I think about it I don't see how you can

You're aching, you're breaking

and I can see the pain in your eyes

Says everybody's changing and I don't know why

So little time

I try to understand that I...

I'm trying to make a move just to stay in the game

I'm trying to stay awake and remember my name,

Everybody's changing and I don't feel the same. 

You're gone from here

soon you will disappear,

fading into beautiful light

Cuz everybody's changing

and I don't feel right.

So little time...

The Experiment

"Something always brings me back to you, it never takes too long"


Not sure what will come forth tonight.


"Set me free, leave me be, I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am.
And I stand
so tall
just the way I'm supposed to be"


I have a proposition.
An experiment.
I shall write and am forbidden to erase anything, anything at all. So if I change my - there will be a dash - and the writing will continue - but I can't erase. Just spelling mistakes, ok? Is that allowed? I say ok, so there we go.


I chose the star image tonight for its greatness, nothing - It transmits something I want to transmit - that was redundant. Yes, for the greatness it inspired, the deepness of feeling and the bafflement before the size of me compared to the size of THAT. The size of us, all of us. Doesn't life just baffle you?


Sometimes I search for pieces of paper and pens laying around in order to write something down, because it will make things better. For as long as I have known me, I have been writing. When I learned to write, I wrote stories and illustrated storybooks. I always had the urge but it was never really well organized, I didn't finish much of the books, for the ideas rapidly became greater than my ability to write them down. Frustrated, I would abandon the project. I wanted to write like the authors of the books I devoured. I knew it was in me, but I didn't know how to get it out. I still don't, and I still feel it in me. 


I've been considering my bf's remark that maybe I lack some self-discipline in my worry processes. As in, I should get it together and no let myself worry about things that I can't do anything about. True that, I understand the concept. It's just - I'm not obsessing about the color of my dress and my purse, I am petrified, deep down and not so - and also at skin level, aura level, petrified that I am not going to be anything in this life. That my life will resume itself in an endless search of a phantasmagorical goal. I'm scared of never being able to stick it out in anything, of being my worst enemy and not allowing myself to "- no erasing, ok. Not really of being my worst enemy, that's not what I meant. I meant it in the sense that maybe ME, my entire person, is the problem in this kind of world. Maybe there isn't - maybe- it's too scary to write down, even. Scary also because I know someone will read it and will judge it. That's scary as well. 
Do you think Friday will ever get here? 
Do you think July will " " " " "?
I have a good feeling about a translation career. About jobs, about being good enough, about studying it.Part of me is - doesn't want to start because I'm afraid I'll be disappointed again and then the problem will really, really, in reality, be....me!

Momentos

Things I miss

- Us, during our Spanish class breaks, having "café con leche y tostadas" at a nearby café, in the sun of Granada autumn.
-  Sitting in the sun in May at EAB with Raquel, shaking off the coldness of Brasilia May mornings

- the last month of senior year...hanging out at school and just letting things end

- Assistir a novela das 8 com todo mundo da Animax

- As tempestades de verão brasilienses e a falta de luz da minha infância

- o primeiro ano do curso de psicologia, minhas amigas e muitas músicas e risadas no carro e entre aulas

- Sleeping on an airplane and waking up for breakfast, almost arriving...

- Watching Universal Channel marathons with Laisa (actually, watching anything with her!!)

- Reading book after book after book when I was 8-somewhere after I graduated highschool

- Broa da casa da Raquel (with milk!) depois do cursinho para o vestibular

- Quando minha mãe era tudo para mim


Estou triste hoje, novamente.
Vem aquele sentimento de sufocamento, vem a vontade de me encolher e sumir.
Eu fico pensando, de repente, e se eu simplesmente não dou conta de certas coisas? Assim, como uma deficiência mesmo? Tem gente que não tolera lactose, tem gente que precisa de óculos...eu preciso de certos cuidados também. E se for isso? E se eu me perdoasse??

Grr. Je n'aime pas tout cettes choses. Je ne sais pas le français.

Tired!

Today I don't feel good.
It's the type of not feel good that the best thing (and only, really) to do is just be still. I don't feel like talking it out, I feel there is nothing to talk out. It's just one of those moods and I have learned through many many many experiences that one must not try to thing logically or make any life altering decisions in these moods. So there.
It's the kind of thing that I know what each and every person will say to me, but I won't be satisfied with any comment for the truth is, I don't know how to express the problem in the first place. I just want to be still, that's it.
It's the shape of not feel good that if I told my psychiatrist he would scrunch his eyebrows and wonder where it went wrong and quickly proceed to elevate/alter doses.
I've been very tired lately, just all over, generally and all over. Tired as in no energy, tired as in worked a lot, using energy that was generated, tired as in using resources that sometimes are scarce, tired of boredom too...many kinds of tired. Backbone tired, feet tired, eyesight tired, knees tired, voice tired, ears tired, brain tired.
Want-my-drugs-tired.
I miss the rain!

Pequenas variáveis

Se tem uma coisa da qual não posso reclamar no trabalho é que nenhuma semana é igual a outra. No mínimo, tem a mudança dos temas, atividades...e ai tem a mudança em cada aluno, na presença, na doença, no aprendizado.
Sem falar das  minhas mudanças e variáveis de semana a semana, dia a dia.
No último mês tem sido dinâmico - fiquei doente, de atestado...aí foi páscoa...aí tive a tradução simultânea....agora temos reuniões com pais...e depois, who knows...cada semana vai mudando algo.
Uma pequena variável faz muita diferença num mar de rotinas repetitivas.

A Frog Pondering Ctd.

Hum.

Nada como um dia após o outro e uma noite no meio, já dizia uma antiga terapeuta minha...
Hoje estou blergh. Um blergh sem muito pé nem cabeça tendo em vista todo o progresso sendo feito.
É curioso, mas ao mesmo tempo previsível, pois nada se transforma tão completamente da noite para o dia. A sensação de ontem foi-se para não sei onde e hoje volto a me sentir como tantas outras noites, sentada aqui escrevendo.
Não se foi completamente no sentido de que eu lembro do sentimento que tive ontem e lembro de sua clareza e de seu sentido.
Ok.
Ok. Nem todo dia é maravilhoso nem tudo tem que ter um porquê tampouco.
Também imagino que tenha um dedo da famosa síndrome de domingo, especialmente de final de domingo, envolvido aqui no meio.
No final penso o seguinte: os extremos não se sustentam por muito tempo...acontrecem, fazem parte, mas o dia-a-dia é esse mesmo, e´a preguiça, são apequenas alegrias, os pequenos momentos de superação, os pequenos de derrota, e assim vamos...até que esses mouitos pequenos viram um acúmulo e o resultado é um sentimento generalizado de poxa, como estamos bem, ou poxa, tá tudo errado.

Hum. Quero "a noite no meio" logo!