Fooey

Je ne me sens pas bien aujourd'hui. C'est une merde! J'ai deja pleure'...voil'a c'est ma histoire.

J'hais les dimanches, specialment les soirs.

Je voudrais savoir mieux le français, j'aime beaucoup écrire aussi, chaque mot a de l'importance absolute, comme un enigma.
My foot isn't alright, now I've got to do an MRI and possibly physical therapy and drugs...then maybe surgery. i don't want to think that far ahead cuz that just makes me sadder still.

Fantasies, fantasies, some are carribean beach material, others aren't so sunny. Others want to find a way to get help, real help. Others just want me to sleep because I have no idea what I'm talking about.

out.

My Foot is Scared

My fear is in my foot. It has been hurting and it physically retreats at the thought of someone touching it,
The nerve is in the wrong place and if pressed, will make my foot shoot with electricity. My tendons hurt as well. The more stressed I feel, the more it hurts.

I was able to make an appointment with a doctor, TOMORROW. This is unbelievable. One morning off and look what I've accomplished! Two doctors scheduled, my computer organized and more familiar, bath taken, sleep slept and nice lunch had.

I hope I can let the doctor touch my foot. What a scary thought.

I Was Speaking French

I was speaking French, then I wasn't. Suddenly I lost my breath amidst the rrr's and the eau's. Suddenly my head started spinning, suddenly I got cold and clammy and had to put my head down. Suddenly not even French was enough to keep me going.

Today I broke down at work, it was embarassing but too real to be too embarassing. I mean, whatever, I can't pretend it is what it isn't. It actually didn't start with French, it started before, right before the kids class. I panicked so bad I had to take my meds and then I figure that screwed with my blood pressure. Mixed and brewed with a whole bunch of other factors (moving to Guará, the new apartment and adjustment, my new temporary not so temporary hectic schedule, my psychology course crisis, sleeping too little, Tabita's death, lack of time with family and friends, the dry dry dry weather,  computer problems, personal health problems...what else?)

So I cancelled one class. 

And waited. 

But I couldn't think. I couldn't organize the most basic things in my head. How to plug in my computer in the wall? How to type a lesson? Where to start?? Where to find a place to sit down?

My heart racing, my hands still clammy. I couldn't figure out how to read and how to write and where to begin. So I threw it all into my locker and went downstairs in order to breathe, but all I could do was regress, infantile like, regress more and more, I wanted my mom, I wanted someone to take care of me, I wanted to feel strong, but all I felt was out of control and out of myself. Out of time. It doesn't belong to me anymore and I just couldn't...I just...I needed a break.

So I brokedown and like a broken machine, was sent home. Thank god. I'm grateful for the people who helped me allow myself to go home and just do nothing.

I still feel like crying because tomorrow will be here too soon, but at least I don't have to be up at 6 and I can stay home and DO NOTHING. I'll try my best to become better friends with my new macbook...right now I actually have developed bad feelings for it. :( I feel frustrated and angry at myself cuz it's a freakin expensive and freakin wonderful laptop, but I don't feel comfortable and I feel stupid when I use it. 

I miss just plain ole windows. Maybe I'm not cut out to be a mac person, maybe I haven't evolved that far yet. :P

(when will it rain??)

I don't know where to start tomorrow but fortunately for me, it is not tomorrow. It's a good sign, however, that I am able to write about it now...good sign.

Non Non Noooon!

Internet at home finally gives me the chance to write in here again.


My little space of sanity. Ironically, I am too tired at the moment, but let's give it a shot.


"non, non, non, je ne veux pas prendre l'air, noon non non non, je ne veux pas boire un verre..


NON NON NON NOOOON...je ne veux pas l'oublier, nooon non non non, je ne veux pas m'en passer


So, NONONONONONON, is what I need to say to a lot of things in my life right now. I need to say no and I'm struggling. With what, you ask? Struggling with the inner conflict of saying no and not being an "agreeable and easy person to deal with" anymore. Scared of not being "nice" anymore. Who am I kidding, of course I'll be nice about it, but I need to say no. I really wonder what would happen if I took it upon myself, this other persona...Of being a trouble maker, of saying the truth, of not smiling and saying "it's fine" all of the time. So many people do it, why can't I?? I'm programmed to be this way, full of little "expectation" antennae,
ready to pick up on any expectation people might have of me. 
So tired of this!
God help me this week, help me actually do something about this and not just sit here and whine about it. Help me act, help me be assertive, help me accept that I am allowed to be a pain, I am allowed to make things more difficult sometimes if that means making it better for me. It' not easy to make it easy for myself. 


Why don't write a book about being a moneyless aristorcrat who travels the world and writes about it? Thought of the day!

The Fork

Deep metaphysical thinking alert:

I don't understand why I'm working. Other than the money. Other than the traditional, must be able to pay my own bills way.

Really, this is driving me crazy.

WHY do I do what I do? Or better, what for? Is there an ideal here, is there a goal, a personal growth target, a change the world hope, or anything? where do I see myself in 10 years? 5? What about 1?

I don't see anything.

Oh god, I'm am in such a bad mood today!

I hate coming to this fork in the road. I usually don't know what to do when I get here and I get panicky so I just turn around and walk back to where it was a bit safer.

Alas, the fork is there, and in order to move on I must face it some day.

Tabitha

Tabitha is gone. Shit, shit, shit.
She's gone and all i can do is swear. Really, you would think i could think of something else. But I'm mad. And grieving.

It's the oddest feeling, a little cat that gets into your heart like this.
I can't believe this freakin apartment killed her. The vertiginous 26 floors.

All I can do is believe that as she was falling a cat angel took her from her body and back up to her home and let her say goodbye to us while we slept and told her it was going to be alright. Cat Heaven must be the best place on Earth.

Rest in peace my baby, I'll miss you!!

Catching up...

Aug 29^th

 (it actually looks nothing like this)

This new apartment is trippy. Trippy trippy. I am in a new neighborhood, actually, a new “city” and I know nothing about what lies below except how to get here and how to get out of here.

Everything is BRIGHT, there is so much sunlight I can see every single cat hair lying around, unmercifully. This is a plus, the old apartment was like a bat cavern, we had to turn lights on around every corner in the middle of the day to see our way around. Quite depressing like that.

I can see the trains that go by (we have trains in this city, really?), the subway on one of its only routes and the airplanes that come in for landing from far off distant lands. I am constantly reminded about how I am not getting out of here anytime soon. That’s ok, the sunlight softens that realization. :p

I’ve been without internet for the last few days (gasp!). That is one of the strangest thing, because I am actually forced to be here, where I am physically and limited to the “old ways” of communicating and knowing about the world. Until half an hour ago we had no cable (gasp, gasp!) and I’ve read more in these last 2 days in the last month.

I’ve had my first afternoon coffee in my new living room. I guess it is a baptism of sorts.

It’s starting to look like a home, although not mine yet. A start. I actually was dying to have to work today, but for some reason everyone sort of cancelled on me and I have had to deal with my new reality. I am here.

The view from the 26^th floor is vertiginous, like living on one of the airplanes that constantly fly by.