Last Day of March

Ed ogni petalo, sai, si finge d'essere una rosa
Per ogni goccia vorrei diluvio sopra ogni cosa
                                                                       
                                                                                               -Noemi

The Last-Day-of-March deserves a post. I felt the pressure as I opened the blog, because suddenly tomorrow all the posts will be categorized under April and March 2011: never again. 

Wow, that unexpectedly came out very dramatic and melancholic.

With April, comes a whole different feeling, a feeling of accomplishment. The year has definitely kicked off, in its second third, and I have participated intensely in its first one. Haven't missed a day, practically. 

This is news, ladies and gentlemen, it may seem like the most trivial thing on earth, but this is big news for me. 

I have commited myself, heart, soul, body - suor, sangue e lágrimas - to a course of action that lasts at least a year. It's a big relief.

The other day it dawned on me that these kids won't know who I am in a few years...and when they grow up they won't remember that I existed. It made me a little sad, because right now we've got such an intense relationship going on and I work so hard for them and with them. But alas, it's part of the job, letting go and letting them grow up. But I like what I have going. They trust me. They like telling me things and sometimes I see they wait to tell ME, specifically, because I taught them how and I showed them its ok to tell me. Sometimes this shows up in inconvenient ways, because it becomes undeniable to the other teachers that there's some sort of special relationship being formed with me. I don't know what they think about that. 

But well... shrebles, don't know what to say about that anymore. 

So, sudden topic change! Love being the director of my own little show. Cartwheel, cartwheel, stop! 

hmmm...

End of scene.

Curtains close.

"Shouldisms"

So, that fast train metaphor still applies. Even having woken up with time to spare, I still have the feeling. Little chores and little events I have to take care of and I feel like time does not exist at all! Does this have anything to do with the Japan earthquake and the axis of the Earth and all that? ;)  I need some time to feel things and just be, but that’s not happening anytime soon. Or perhaps this evening?

So many ‘shoulds’ are nagging in my ear:

I should go grocery shopping

I should do my nails

I should do the laundry

I should go out with friends, with my mom

I should fix my car

I should eat something

I should walk to work

I should drop off the thing my mother asked me to drop off, even if that interferes with walking to work

I should be studying something...

I should sleep at different hours

I should do the translation exercises

I should calm down

I should take care of my feet/back/head/stomach

I should see the dentist/doctor/psychiatrist

I only have time for priorities and MY priorities, at best. Sometimes not so much, and it is other people’s prioritites…but if you look at it in a different way, my priority is to not have people in my hair and nagging me, so their priorities can sometimes be my own.

Pray for the Heart!

I'm worried about my mom, but, as always, all I can do is sit and watch and hope for the best...It's like a whirlwind everyday in here and I hate to see the stress it does to her heart. Pray for her heart!

Things have been a little confusing lately.

I mean, I just feel like I'm on a fast train constantly having to keep up, sprinting and barely breathing, everytime I get off to rest. And even so, once I get back on, I look out the window and everything is blurry and I've missed big pieces of information, or just plain old time.

O frio das nuvens

Hoje a cidade não parece meu lar...mais do que não parecia. 

As nuvens estão grandes demais e dizem, vai encarar? E o vento sopra...o que vai trazer?

O friozinho na barriga se manifesta, uma energia em espiral que circula e circula e me deixa com medo.

Prometo cuidar dele num compromisso entre ter que fazer o que tenho que fazer e sentir-lo. 

Lost and Found

A song by Sia tonight...

Come along it is the break of day
Surely now, you'll have some things to say
It's not the time for telling tales on me

So come along, it wont be long
'Til we return happy
Shut your eyes, there are no lies
In this world we call sleep
Let's desert this day of hurt
Tomorrow we'll be free

Let's not fight I'm tired can't we just sleep tonight
Don't turn away it's just there's nothing left here to say
Turn around I know we're lost but soon we'll be found

Well it's been rough but we'll be just fine
Work it out yeah we'll survive
You mustn't let a few bad times dictate

So come along, it wont be long
'Til we return happy
Shut your eyes, there are no lies
In this world we call sleep
Let's desert this day of work
Tomorrow we'll be free

Still

My lungs feel tired again, like exactly a month ago. It feels tiresome to breathe and speak. Anything involving air through pipes. Does not feel nice at all. :/

But just putting that aside a minute, I actually feel very good.

As I made my way to school today, I felt oddly calm. I remember thinking: I finally have a routine. A real routine where I feel secure in every aspect. I don't dread going to work, I don't dread waking up or going to sleep...I mean, it's all ok. It even occured to me in a one big illuminated thought, I LIKE WHAT I'M DOING! That's got to be a first in a long time. I not only like it, I LIKE it, with all my body. Can't put it into words quite well.
That just confirmed intself when my colleague told me she's really happy with me and believes that by the end of the year I would be qualified to take on a class myself, as the teacher teacher. I looked at her, eyes wide open and something in that resonated. She asked me: do you want to be a teacher here? do you want to be a teacher, do you like this? do you want to work in schools? why don't you want psychology?

Aaah, one after another, and all I could do was listen and have some strange light dawn on me...Maybe I am finally where I'm meant to be. I had no reason to say no to her ideas and encouragement, unless I intentionally wanted to boycott myself. It was crystal clear.

A little girl fell asleep in my arms today and I wanted to take her home with me, or better yet, I wanted one of my own...and it was worth every minute of stress and repetition...she felt conforted enough to sleep with me. So much stillness...shhh

I am so relieved because I feel still inside.
I am exactly where I'm supposed to be.

Le Metro

Sonhei que estava em Paris, ou Madrid, tentando pegar um metrô para o aeroporto...Tenho uns mapas e preciso entender que linha pegar e para fazer isso tenho que entender os dois mapas e juntar as informações. Está estranhamente difícil, os mapas não fazem sentido. Meu pai está comigo na mesa na praça de alimentação do aeroporto. Peço ajuda para um garçom em espanhol, ele diz algo que não ajuda em nada...

Fico olhando para os mapas, eu vou conseguir!