A escolha de dormir no chão com Cora

Pra resumir - Eu durmo num colchão no chão ao lado do colchão da minha filha no chão. Não porque gosto de complicar as coisas, exatamente au contraire. E se eu tivesse a chance de refazer minhas escolhas de como viver com um bebê pequeno, em vez de dois colchões separados seria um colchão grandão, um único, onde dormiríamos os três, se assim meu marido quisesse também. 

Quero escrever sobre isso porque quero compartilhar como foram surgindo essas adaptações que cada vez mais parecem me levar um pouco mais longe do que seria convencional ou "normal", sei lá. Tal como foi na gravidez e no parto, aliás. Só não sabia disso antes dela nascer, que existem nuanças de humanização muito além do parto, em cada aspecto da rotina com um bebê, e imagino também, com uma criança. 

Cheguei ao cenário atual aos poucos - no início éramos eu, Cora e um berço. Ela não teve, aparentemente, muitos problemas com o berço. Dormia bastante lá, quando eu conseguia abrir mão de tê-la por perto e deixá-la no berço. Por volta do primeiro mês ela passou a dormir a NOITE INTEIRA lá, 8 horas seguidas fácil. Parecia que não havia mais nada o que pensar, estávamos feitos. Mas, claro, tudo muda e bebês mudam. 

Tranquila no berço

Ela voltou a acordar com frequência para mamar (ou outra coisa) com 4 meses e foi aí que os ajustes começaram. A princípio eu saia da minha cama, zumbí, claro, e me arrastava até o quarto dela, tirava do berço, sentava na poltrona e ficava com ela no peito até ela cair no sono novamente e eu colocá-la de volta. Ok, tranquilo...o jeito é ter paciência mesmo! Mas eu comecei a revirar minha cabeça por ideias de como melhorar nossa vida noturna. Ela estava começando a sentar sozinha e já estava no horizonte aquele tal dia que ela ficaria em pé sozinha no berço e eu tinha que achar uma solução, porque, infelizmente (mas que foi felizmente!!) o berço estava mal juntado, usado e a cola que o segurava não aguentaria os primeiras saculejares dela. Além do mais, a trava de segurança que abaixa e sobe não abaixava nem subia, estava presa. Então calhou que na época que eu estava no dilema do que fazer com o berço, contemplando comprar já uma caminha de criança e colocar o colchão no chão até ela aprender a subir e descer da cama - mas super na dúvida - eu descobri a existência do "quarto montessoriano". Olhei o blog feliz da vida e com sede, pois sabia ter encontrado minha solução! Além de tudo, tinha todo uma fundamentação teórica bonitinha! Mas isso foi só um detalhe, nada do que fiz foi teórico.  

Cora ao lado da sua caminha, antes do meu colchão aparecer na história...

Então com 6 meses adeus berço! Coloquei o colchão dela no canto do quarto em cima de um tapetinho, rodeiei de almofadas e voilà! Ela acordava a noite e a rotina era a mesma, pegava, sentava na poltrona, mamava, colocava de volta. Até que, devagarinho, foi me encostando no colchão dela, primeira sentada encostada na parede e depois detiada, dando de mamar deitada. A dentição começou a pegar por volta dos 8 meses e me via saindo da cama quase de hora em hora para ficar com uma pequena dolorida e com dificuldade de dormir sozinha. Acabava dormindo sentada contra a parede. Quando enchi o saco, peguei um monte de edredon do armário e fiz um colchão improvisado para mim ao lado do dela. FIquei assim talvez uma semana quando me dei conta que seria muito mais humano se eu simplesmente assumisse a situação e comrpasse um colchão de solteiro para que eu não parecesse tanto um cachorrinho dormindo nos meus panos no chão. Então parei na loja, comprei o colchão mais simples que havia e pronto!!! Agora deito do lado dela todas as noites, nem levanto na hora de mamar, sirvo até de barreira natural para ela não rolar no chão e não é incomum acordar de manhã e ver que ela rolou até meu lado e está completamente aconchegada no meu calor. 

Em outras palavras, o que quero dizer - tudo isso para chegar à conclusão de que cama compartilhada realmente era o que eu precisava e gosto. Parei de contar quantas vezes ela acorda - são várias - mas faz parte, não me estresso nem fico esperando a noite em que magicamente ela irá deixar de precisar de mim. Simplesmente aceitei e fiz as pazes com a mudança (talvez) temporária no meu estilo de vida. 

Valeu a pena. E sei que tudo o resto também passa por esse processo - de ser "desplugado" do que o senso comum diz, as práticas comuns dizem, e escutar a MIM MESMA e minha filha, escutar o que NÓS, familia, precisamos e o que faz sentido para nós. Quanto mais escuto isso mais vou destoando e mais me sinto realizada e em paz enquanto mãe - e pra falar a verdade, enquanto pessoa!

About Fear - The 9 Month Journey So Far

I want to register some things about the first months of Cora, about her little baby months before I forget. I already forget. First of all, I remember the FEAR. I felt so much fear with this tiny little creature in my arms, sooooo fragile, so brand-new, so needy, so baby!! And the responsibility scared my very bones. I was so tense and tired and weepy those first few weeks. My body ached, my belly ached from the surgery, my head was in all sorts of places - some dark ones too, because it was all so LONELY, being a mommy. For all the help one can have, it is lonely, for the changes going on in your soul are so indescribable, so far away from everything you used to know...It's like being bitch slapped into maturity. A very harsh awakening, at least for me it was. My body is softer and squishier, but the edges are worn and sharper. That's how I feel. I look at pictures of myself and have no idea who that person is. I've had so little time to feel like ME that I've lost me somewhere along the way. I think this might be a permanent thing and that whenever the time for this comes around again, I will have to reinvent this idea of me. I don't think the old me will be anywhere in sight. This is so very, very adult and abrupt, it's absolutely frightening. It's frightening to come home from the hospital all cut up, puffed up like a balloon, shocked still from the birth experience, not getting anywhere near enough sleep and expected to deal with it enough to care for the little creature. I remember when the fog started to clear, when things started becoming a bit less heavy, and I could smile and enjoy her presence...I was in her room, in our chair and I started feeling the joy of it and it made me want to laugh out loud, because things had been just plain awful until then and I hadn't had the courage to realize it, because that would just be impossible to deal with. Once it felt better I was able to realize what had happened and breathe a biiiiiig sigh of relief that it was showing hopeful signs of getting better. Amen. 

Now she's a big baby - a moving baby, dancing, singing and playful baby. it's SUCH a different roller-coaster ride now, completely different from my drooling spaced out inch-worming baby. I am grateful for that, because as much as it is still all-me consuming, it does get easier and our love affair does get stronger.

Us at the hospital

Me yellow. Me petrified and very much that little baby I hold in my lap.

Us a month ago. Less scared, but still a bit. And it's ok. 

Brewing

Now is time to brew, to set energies in motion. Carefully, lovingly with myself. I scare easily and by now know myself very, very well. Well enough to do this properly and not set myself into flight off a cliff because I'm to scared to see where I'm going.
Ok.
I'm brewing, researching, letting the taste of a new idea settle on my tongue.
It's going to be ok, tell myself. It is.
No matter what those voices say at night, you are not alone. No matter what they try to tell you about your self-worth - they know nothing. NOTHING. Reminds me of, "you know nothing, Jon Snow!" hehe.

Ok, so you know nothing Jon Snow, it IS going to be alright, I am NOT alone, and my life is very damn well worth a lot.

Poetry for the soul

Flush or Faunus

by Elizabeth Barrett Browning

 

You see this dog. It was but yesterday
I mused, forgetful of his presence here,
Till thought on thought drew downward tear on tear;
When from the pillow, where wet-cheeked I lay,
A head as hairy as Faunus, thrust its way
Right sudden against my face,--two golden-clear
Large eyes astonished mine,--a drooping ear
Did flap me on either cheek, to dry the spray!
I started first, as some Arcadian
Amazed by goatly god in twilight grove:
But as my bearded vision closelier ran
My tears off, I knew Flush, and rose above
Surprise and sadness; thanking the true Pan,
Who, by low creatures, leads to heights of love

I love how some people just make little gumdrops out of words. "And they just roll on your tongue - till thought on thought drew downward tear on tear..." All this to talk about the love of a dog, and for a dog. 

I'm really glad I wrote about the first few months after Cora being born, and during pregnancy, because sincerely, I have amnesia. With great intensity comes weird brain problems in my case. I can't register EVERYTHING, I don't have time to sit down and remember and reminisce and remember, replay...etc...so things slip by. So when I go back and read the words from those days, it's amazing. I'm grateful for writing. Writing and words. One is cooking, the other little morsels. 

Updates 8.5 months

Unfortunately journal writing takes too much time and I just find it easier doing it here. There are so many changes, so fast, that I know I'm letting some go by without much notice. One day she doesn't know how to open the kitchen cupboard, the next day she does, and then it's like she always knew how to do it...
Now she claps, "sings" and bounces up and down in a baby dance. She has some sort of memory of where things are int he house, she has a geographical notion of the house as she crawls back and forth, back and forth, aiming for specific rooms and objects.
I don't know what day she began crawling, sometime in May, but I have pictures of it...

And so many other changes...little changes in nuances of her interaction with us, with others..in her sleep..what else? In general, though, the feeling is that we are living the final phases of her babyhood. Soon she'll be a toddler, I can feel it. She's a few steps away from walking, almost balancing on her own two feet. Wow!! I can't believe that we've made it all this way. Everything is so temporary, especially when you have a baby. 

Reflections on family and such

Before I go on about family:

Sometimes (a lot of them, actually) I think this exclusive motherhood business is going to drive me crazy. Or perhaps the exclusive motherhood in a tiny apartment business...that sounds better. I'm tired of sitting between the same four walls, between couch and wall, between bed and wall, between chair and wall. And doing the same things over and over and over and over again.

I know that these things which seem so repetitive do change over time, in a very slow upward spiral direction, and that gives me hope. I have to actively notice these changes, however, or else I have the false belief that nothing ever changes.

My family. I miss my family in an odd way. I never noticed before how much of my identity comes from them. A LOT of it. Now that they are all spread out across the country and continents, I realize their importance. What are we like, as a family? I always presumed we didn't have many "family" characteristics, but we do.

Let's see. First thing I would definitely mention is our low attachment to material things. This is an important value that was passed on to me. We have money, but we don't have expensive things. And when we do, they are not of utter importance and their absence is not significant. We make do with what we have available, whether of great wealth or not. I can make a toy out of a bottle and beans just as easily as with a trendy Fisher-Price gadget.  I think this will be passed on to Cora, for I demonstrate this to her with all of her "things", be them clothes, toys or accessories. No one thing is irreplaceable or priceless.

As a family, we value experiences over material things. Education, there's a strong one. Ever since I can remember I was taught the value of studying and investing in personal betterment.

Oddly enough, we value experience over people, as well. In the sense that we leave each other free to pursue what is best for each one. This comes at a price, but both my parents decided at a young age that this personal independence is more valuable than supposed family union at the price of freedom of thought and ways. This has also trickled down to us daughters and is one of the trickiest matters I have to negotiate all the time in my new family. My in-law family does not live by this motto. Actually, this seems to spear them in the heart and all they hold valuable. I've been feeling like a total witch these last few months because in order to be true to me, many a time (MANY) I have to frustrate them and what they believe to be true. I wish they could realize that I am not a threat - that me having my distance and personal independence does not mean I am trying to destroy family or whatnot. But how do I deal with a family who believes that happiness comes from family that my happiness (and therefore that of their granddaughter) can come from being a little less in herd family mode? How do I deal with this if in order for me to be "happy," I apparently have to make them "unhappy?" Tricky business.

Back to my family.

In the same manner that we are not held by family legions or traditions, we are also not particulary patriotic or have a strong sense of roots. We look forward and beyond frontiers and borders. My sister and I were raised for the world. My mother and father, in their own way, left their small town families behind to live the world. I do not want to give this up, and I believe tha tif I do, all that I know to be me will wither away and suffer. This is one of the strongest things I value and that make me feel especially happy. The world, the traveling, the learning and exploring. I will never be content in just one corner of this big wide world. Luckily, I believe Ez and I have this affinity. Although his drive may not be as clear or strong as mine, he does have it. And that propels us into the future, with common plans and dreams.

Intensity

Does anything else even compare to the intensity of being a parent?
I feel very scared and overwhelmed a lot of the time. Does anything else live up to this? To the rawness of this new human being sculpting itself from you? Who draws upon you for soooo much? And with so much giving comes so much receiving and so much learning and growing, it's crazy crazy crazy how much an adult can change and learn, when we thought we were so set in our ways, so "been there done that", here comes a new chance to see EVERYTHING through a new perspective, as reinterpreted by a little brand new pair of eyes, ears, hands, feet and mouth!
I am almost a mother for as long as I was pregnant, she's about to be 8 months old. It's been one wild trip, y'all.