In the Dark

rivotril rivotril rivotril rivotril

mac in the dark, the keyboard lights up, like I wish my mind would.

Help me.

Let's take a look back at the last few months or year.

I have an obvious difficulty of maintaining any sort of meaningful activity for any meaningful amount of time. I have quit 2 different courses. And about 4 different jobs over the last 3 years. Quit because of complete lack of interest or energy to invest in it. I stopped caring. 

I have cancelled classes twice in the last month because of emotional issues. I have stopped caring. 

I used to have passions and now, for the life of me, I can't remember what I ever saw in anything, even though I KNOW it is here somewhere, SOMEWHERE. It can't just have disappeared. It can't, can it?

I see a black wall when I try to visualize anything in the future. I feel an oppressive black wall pressing down on me. 

The concentration I need in order to build on any idea or inspiration that comes to me is lacking. I give up in frustration when I can't wrap my head around something. Indecisiveness reigns in such stupid decisions such as what to eat. I have gone hungry many a time because that decision is too difficult for me. It's ridiculous. 

I'm almost giving up on another job, I'm so tired of sustaining my facade of caring, of having to interact with people hour after hour after hour. I'm exhausted of trying to make sense of my ups and downs. Of trying to act when the up is up and just have everything dismantled by the next low. It's exhausting and exasperating. 

I feel so guilty for feeling this way. I feel like I'm letting just about everybody I know down. I feel like all the dreams my parents had for me are being wasted and I don't want to admit to them that I'm going through what I'm going through. It terrifies me that they or anyone should know. But at the same time, oh god, I need help and I need someone to know and to CARE.