Waxes and Wanes

This pregnancy thing really lasts a while, doesn't it? 

And there are a million moments within this larger moment or waiting for this life to grow and grow. 

I know things are better than last month, for about a week now and I am extremely grateful for that. 

My confidence grows sometimes, expanding and comforting me. Then some nights I have the most awful and gruesome nightmares, like this night, and I wake up wobbly and weepy. 

I dreamt my dad had killed himself in our Clayton house. It was horrible. We went there to clean up the house and to empty it in order o sell it. This is my 3rd dream about this house and about sorting through things in order to clean it out. I'm sure that's significant on many levels. The house I grew up in, as a baby and later on, being revisited and reorganized in my head. My parents, being revisited and "reorganized". I was so angry at my dad in the dream, so shocked at the brutal act and completely stunned that he ever felt that way and we had no idea. 

Then today I wake up and I want to cry and curl up and be taken care of but there's so much guilt somewhere, there's the voices telling me to get up and exercise, then there's my heart the pounds so hard that I can't go anywhere near changing out of my pajamas. 

Then there are moments where I feel like mother Earth herself, serene and powerful, feeling the universe's power pulsing through me.

I feel captive in my own head and web of anxieties right now. All I can do is wait for it to dissolve...