Grief

Since as long as I can remember, I thought of pregnancy as the most incredible thing that could happen to someone. I admired pregnant bellies when they walked by, I dreamt (literally) with several pregnant scenarios...and I always thought that when it happened to me, it would be the happiest and most magical thing in the world.

I NEVER, EVER, would have thought that it could be this difficult. 

I never imagined it would change my body in a way that I hardly recognize myself, and I never could have guessed how scary this feeling can get. I never could have known, although I "knew", how body and mind are inseparable and amazingly in sync. I never imagined how much of my identity is based on my self-image and understanding of my body. 

I don't know why it makes me cry so much, why I feel so helpless and small most of the time. But it does. 

Sometimes I "forget" I'm pregnant and then I remember and I cry all over again. And sometimes I remember December, the month "it" happened and cry when I think I could have avoided this, or if only I could go back in time...It kills me to think like this and it makes me feel guilty as hell. 

Another thing that upsets is exactly this lack of enthusiasm for the whole thing. I feel I'm missing out on being able to live a wonderful moment and that I'm making my baby sad as well. I'm starting, STARTING to accept that fine, maybe pregnancy won't in the top 10 moments of my life. I can't force it. It's like part of me is dying and I pray to god that something will take it's place, something better and stronger. I think this is what people have been telling me about when they talk about letting go, and letting it happen.
Delivering oneself.

Being sick today helped me let go and give in to something. Being sick in your soma, being physically too weak or in pain has power to transform your mind. Today I was not anxious, today I could barely care about so many things that had been tormenting me. I had to find a place of isolation and protection, and not caring was the way to do that. I let myself be taken care of, no guilt. I just had to...and I was grateful.