Não vale

Eu firmo o pé e digo - NÃO VALE. Seja lá o que você for, essa força destrutiva que me come do estômago para fora em ansiedade - NÃO VALE aparecer assim e, portanto, não posso te considerar ou reconhecer. Só posso te considerar depois de estar em pé, dentes escovados, rosto lavado e café na mão. Se você ainda persistir eu digo, ainda não esta valendo - só vale quando eu chegar no trabalho, quando tiver cumprimentado todo mundo, depois de ter entrado no ritmo. Se mesmo assim persistir, eu tomo mais uma xícara de café e digo, vamos em frente e se você ainda estiver presente depois de eu ter TENTADO TUDO, ai eu te considero. Aí vamos conversar.

Preciso firmar esse pé pois a alternativa é mais insuportável ainda. Me render a você e ter que recuar aos recantos do meu quarto, prisioneira...pode até parecer uma saída, pode até parecer alívio, mas e depois? Um dia terei que sair, e nesse dia, você não será tão benevolente. Ou seja, você não me engana. Se for pra me entregar será após muito mais muito jeito e jeitinhos, coisas que eu sei fazer bem.

Flow

Pitter patter, pitter patter

Pulses, raindrops, muscles that contract and let flow.

Pain and fluids that soar through the body in waves through its own system of undersea currents and contractions. 

I was so embarrassed today, about everything, about me. I felt like driving my car on and on and on. I thought about where I could go, I thought about what ticket to buy once I got to the airport. I thought about a silent haven where nobody could get to me, only the people I wanted to be with me. I realized that wouldn't be possible and went home - close enough.

Another wave tenses and contracts my muscles...let it be, pain will be pain. 

It is about finding my own ground and standing it. It is about me at the beach at 14, my mom and I in constant body scrutiny tension. It's about me having to let go of people who keep me safe right when I'm about to crack and enter that airplane. It's about feeling safer in that airplane than anywhere else on Earth and then having to leave it - back to "real" fffffff life. 

It's about the anger, the fright, the hurt. it's about finding these undersea currents and tapping into their power. Pitter patter pitter patter, I don't mind the idea of standing ground my way from here on. May the consequences be what they may. 

Stubborn Rebel

I am a stubborn little person, I admit and own up to it. 

I am stubborn because I refuse to take things at face value, or just because someone says that it must be so...I am secretly a rebel, the worse rebel on earth, actually, for it is a secret.

 I refuse to accept that this is the way my life is supposed to go, I refuse to accept that I won't find something along the way of this godawful and confusing search. I am not in emptiness, there are myriads of visions, magic, spells, pits, flights, falls and - most of the time - just a plain old path in the middle of the woods, or a field, or mountains...or through a village. Lord of the Rings style. Maybe that's why I'm reluctant to leave this path, because it's so much more interesting than the other highway where thousands of cars seem to be stuck in a traffic jam. 

I refuse to recognize any kind of "rules"to how we are supposed to live. Timelines, milestones, marks of success or non-success...I am an angry person, I know that now. Angry people are not easy people. But I am a bad angry person, because I don't take it out on anyone or make a scene. 

I am a rebel who doesn't give herself enough credit.

The Idea of You

Why does the idea of you scare people?
Is it your boldness? The strength of what you represent? 
Or is it my idea of you that is bothersome? 


It seems like that alone is stopping you from coming to be and that...that is the saddest thing of all.

Cocoon

Suddenly, the day is flowing.
The paintbrush has been picked up, the first stroke hangs in the air.
There is a universe out there- universe on top of universe on top of universe.
There are colors to be eaten, there are palettes to be tasted.
There are notes and bands to discover, babies to tend to, tongues to tune.


There is equilibrium, there is creation, there is a cocoon.

More than welcome

Please be here, with me. Please be here, growing, changing my life. Please feed off of me, please multiply, please change the arch of my back and all other curves. You are more than welcome. 

I pray for you, I pray you make it into our lives soon.

Kinks

I started educating myself on the history of rock n roll. I've always been so hopelessly ignorant on all of it I finally felt ashamed enough to do something about it. With the help of one of my students, I now have a basic idea of how it all flows (from The Kinks, Elvis, Ray Charles to progressive to hard rock to punk to grunge to independent...) and have started with the aforementioned The Kinks. I just put a playlist on grooveshark and get acquainted. It's nice.
Then I'll move on to the next of millions of bands that have resulted since the 50's. Quite an endeavor!

On a different note, I am so angry at the world and at myself I am able to see it oh so clearly. I can actually see that the anger I direct at myself, with my semi-suicide or self-harm impulses - they are actually rage at life in general and I don't take them quite so literally. Thank god.

At my job, people are telling me to not take things so seriously and just face it like the job that it is. "It's just a job!" ... .... ...
I realized that's where we diverge in thinking and attitude: this isn't just a job for me.

This is my LIFE we are talking about.

This job will never be "just a job". There is too much at stake. I feel everything with the life and death urgency that it is. I left another job (which was in itself a big leap of faith and a great personal challenge for me) to place all of my tokens on this one and I have no idea what I'm doing, basically, other than wishing and hoping and waiting. When waiting turns into results after some months, I go ballistic, because the results aren't really what I wanted but then again, what did i want? How can I get angry at life if I don't even know what my expectations are?

So I cried yet again - cried cried cried with all of this bubbling about, erupting in one dangerous volcano. I made 10 thousand resolutions and get away plans. Yeah, you really got me, you got me so you don't know what I'm doing, so I can't sleep at night!
And then I woke up. All I feel is tired and sleepy and with some coffee in  my tummy I'm heading out to honor my commitment, like "a well respected man"- cuz his world is built on punctuality, it never fails. And he's so good and he's all so fine...