More than welcome

Please be here, with me. Please be here, growing, changing my life. Please feed off of me, please multiply, please change the arch of my back and all other curves. You are more than welcome. 

I pray for you, I pray you make it into our lives soon.

Kinks

I started educating myself on the history of rock n roll. I've always been so hopelessly ignorant on all of it I finally felt ashamed enough to do something about it. With the help of one of my students, I now have a basic idea of how it all flows (from The Kinks, Elvis, Ray Charles to progressive to hard rock to punk to grunge to independent...) and have started with the aforementioned The Kinks. I just put a playlist on grooveshark and get acquainted. It's nice.
Then I'll move on to the next of millions of bands that have resulted since the 50's. Quite an endeavor!

On a different note, I am so angry at the world and at myself I am able to see it oh so clearly. I can actually see that the anger I direct at myself, with my semi-suicide or self-harm impulses - they are actually rage at life in general and I don't take them quite so literally. Thank god.

At my job, people are telling me to not take things so seriously and just face it like the job that it is. "It's just a job!" ... .... ...
I realized that's where we diverge in thinking and attitude: this isn't just a job for me.

This is my LIFE we are talking about.

This job will never be "just a job". There is too much at stake. I feel everything with the life and death urgency that it is. I left another job (which was in itself a big leap of faith and a great personal challenge for me) to place all of my tokens on this one and I have no idea what I'm doing, basically, other than wishing and hoping and waiting. When waiting turns into results after some months, I go ballistic, because the results aren't really what I wanted but then again, what did i want? How can I get angry at life if I don't even know what my expectations are?

So I cried yet again - cried cried cried with all of this bubbling about, erupting in one dangerous volcano. I made 10 thousand resolutions and get away plans. Yeah, you really got me, you got me so you don't know what I'm doing, so I can't sleep at night!
And then I woke up. All I feel is tired and sleepy and with some coffee in  my tummy I'm heading out to honor my commitment, like "a well respected man"- cuz his world is built on punctuality, it never fails. And he's so good and he's all so fine...

List of 10 things

"Make a list of 10 things you want right now (material or not)"
So here goes, as honest as possible


1. I want to sleep at least till 10 o clock tomorrow morning
2. I want to get out of teaching kids
3. I want a passion..the rest will follow
4. I want an iPod again
5. A big fat cookie
6. A different job
7. I want a city with subways, cheap (and efficient) buses sidewalks so that I can sell my car
8. I want to be pregnant (don't ask)
9. I want it to rain so much/some other form of natural disaster tomorrow there will be a blackout and nobody will have class
10. I want my face to stop being a teenage acne face and grow up!


amen

You're ok, right?

I dreamt with Ms. V.

It's been a while. 

The feeling is still with me and it fills me with wonder.

Tis like so:

I was at EAB, still a student there. I was frustrated because everybody I knew had already graduated and there I was...a senior because of numerous different things that had held me back. 

Ms. V had returned to work as a teacher there, but this time with her husband and her yet to be born child. She was really pregnant and so was I. She talked to me normally, as if we were friends, and counted on me to help her with several things. It was like she admired me. She asked me why I was still there, I told her and she sympathized with me. I was some sort of helper in her art classes because she trusted me and I was older than everyone else. 

I had to keep checking if I was really pregnant, sometimes it seemed to fade away and I couldn't remember if it was real or if it was just me wanting it to be real so that she could connect with me even more. 

Then she waited for me so that we could leave together and she invited me to her place. I felt so happy, but I was calm. Then she told me, as we walked through the front gates of the school, that she had a meeting with some people at the school, like a group of "elders" (except they aren't elders, it's just a group of other teachers or professionals) that she responded to because she had been assigned to take care of me when I was her student more than ten years ago. She told me she was going to meet with them to tell them how I was and she said...so, you're ok, right? It seems like it....I said yes and then went silent, thinking about how to explain to her how I really was. She asked what was the matter and I said I was waiting till we left the school so that I could tell her about it. We got into this weird sled type device she had that was shaped like a caterpillar or cocoon and she told me to get into it, that it was a lot of fun. It was propelled by our bodies and was able to go uphill with no problem. I thought it was amazing and told her she needed to take it back to Canada, it would be very useful. We turned into L2 and then grabbed the next "retorno". I asked her if it was correct, 209/210 and she said yes. 

That's it. 

I can't believe I dreamt with her like this. She's always been a powerful figure in my life - real life (my fantasized teenage version of her) and my dream life (ditto). But in my dream life things have progressed so that we are more like equals than before . Oh I miss her and this possibility we never had, for I was too young and too needy. I miss the art, I miss her sense of humor and the smell of the art room. I miss her initial admiration of my creativity...I miss having the artistic drive and that feeling of liberation when I set myself to draw, paint or photograph. I believed in myself and my vision. 

She believed in my vision, a feeling that is priceless and necessary for a child growing up, which is what I mostly still am. 

In the Dark

rivotril rivotril rivotril rivotril

mac in the dark, the keyboard lights up, like I wish my mind would.

Help me.

Let's take a look back at the last few months or year.

I have an obvious difficulty of maintaining any sort of meaningful activity for any meaningful amount of time. I have quit 2 different courses. And about 4 different jobs over the last 3 years. Quit because of complete lack of interest or energy to invest in it. I stopped caring. 

I have cancelled classes twice in the last month because of emotional issues. I have stopped caring. 

I used to have passions and now, for the life of me, I can't remember what I ever saw in anything, even though I KNOW it is here somewhere, SOMEWHERE. It can't just have disappeared. It can't, can it?

I see a black wall when I try to visualize anything in the future. I feel an oppressive black wall pressing down on me. 

The concentration I need in order to build on any idea or inspiration that comes to me is lacking. I give up in frustration when I can't wrap my head around something. Indecisiveness reigns in such stupid decisions such as what to eat. I have gone hungry many a time because that decision is too difficult for me. It's ridiculous. 

I'm almost giving up on another job, I'm so tired of sustaining my facade of caring, of having to interact with people hour after hour after hour. I'm exhausted of trying to make sense of my ups and downs. Of trying to act when the up is up and just have everything dismantled by the next low. It's exhausting and exasperating. 

I feel so guilty for feeling this way. I feel like I'm letting just about everybody I know down. I feel like all the dreams my parents had for me are being wasted and I don't want to admit to them that I'm going through what I'm going through. It terrifies me that they or anyone should know. But at the same time, oh god, I need help and I need someone to know and to CARE.

Sétimo Dia

Eis o sétimo dia de viagem. Sete dias; sete vidas.

O sétimo dia traz consigo cansaço e uma sensaçao de calma, pois nao ha mais pressa de se ver tudo e realizar todos os possiveis passeios. Garantimos bom tempo de sol e nao muito calor, só um pouco. Estamos na descida final que nos aproxima ao retorno. Geralmente esta fase é mais silenciosa mesmo.

Let's See What Happens

My eyesight is turning into mush. Everything is headache provoking, and by everything I mean everything. Screens or real life, it all seems to swirl, even though my doctor okayed me about a month ago.

This holiday was quite refreshing and a much needed boost for me to reach the 15^th in more of one piece.

I put it in my head that I want to reach a personal target, a target full of meaning for me:

I want to complete one year working at the same place. The only time this happened was at Animax. This has grounded me, this new target. 

I have a goal – stick it out a year and SEE WHAT HAPPENS. (deep breath)

Simple as that. Just see what happens as you try something never before done. See what happens as you actually grow financially independent, see what happens as you encroach on two years of a serious and stable relationship.

See what changes, see what doesn’t.

From here to there it is a stretch of a leg. I already told you my theory about the end of the year…it’s practically here. November is the real last month, not December. December is just work xmas parties, family xmas parties, friend xmas parties and so on and so forth. Everyone seems to be in a better mood in general, or just less demanding as they realize that they can let go of 2011 and all the results they expected. Let go.

See what happens. I have completed 4 months since I first set foot at my current job, the first trimester is over – maybe the morning sickness is over as well.