And Who Would That Be?

Night Musings

I want so badly to be me with "no envy, no fear".

Sincerely be me, authentically be me, authentically make my decisios. There is so much crap in between, so much interference coming from different radio signals.

I've been feeling angry and guilty and guily and angry and then depressed and then self-loathing way too often.

What happens when I lose count of the rivotril doses? My eyes are already drooping, I just thought I'd let one last word on this Sunday before giving in and being safe from myself once more.

(Is it really supposed to be this hard? )

Really, who am I? What kind of person am I? What do I believe it to be, at least?

Experience has shown me I am extremely sensitive observant of everything, which makes me a fast learner and very impressionable. Which also means very emotional. I know I have to express all this in some shape or form, it is something that is stronger than me. 

I am an artistic soul at heart. Not political, not intelectual in the more general sense of the word...not academic, not scientific...artistic. Impression and expression are more important for me than...everything.

I have passions in life, I am an not at a lack for that. I am at a lack of a pathway into these passions. Maybe I am blind. 

I feel guilty for feeling like an original in all this, I know most people go through some variation of the theme. But heck, I am here to write about me, so screw that. 

I am a writer, in my own hand with my own pen, I am a writer. I know that, at heart, I could not live without it. I know I love words. I know I could live working with them, reading, studying, writing, translating, etc.

I am not a good people person. I mean, I am, and I'm not. I am when I'm in the mood, the expansive mood. I can make friends easily when I don't have to, especially when I'm on my own and meeting new people. I tend to bring people together, when I'm not trying. It's a curious phenomenon, for here at home, this does not happen. I actually keep away from people and have no intention of being the leader of any crowd or the life of any party. 

Alas, contradictions...notorious. 

I work well with structure, to a certain point. I am responsible, I live up to expectations, I can be counted on...but only for a while, because then I start to be incredibly bothered by this. I hate being counted on, I want the expectations to let me loose and I want the freedom to be someone else other than that. That is the problem with the jobs I take on and inevitably leave. I do not fit in well into pre-fixed molds. I can do it, I'm good at it, but I can't take it for too long. I am far too leonine for that, and when I think about it, I prefer to be a leader or autonomous than to receive people's compliments for a job well done. I prefer to be a leader but then comes a time when I get tired of being responsible for others in such a way.

I'm not saying I know it all and am wonderful, not at all. As I said before, I learn well, I learn fast. I am confident in this position, of a learner and apprentice. But when the learning is done, I ache for moving on. That's where I usually break loose and then have to start all over again (apparently).

Can I live with this? Can this be some sort of start?

g'nite