sábado, 14 de dezembro de 2013

It never really sinks in

It's been a long time since I've written anything in here. Looooo-ong time.
I haven't felt like a big sharer of late. I used to post so many pictures on Facebook and comment so many things about my life, but recently, I've been quieter.

What motivated me to write this time, well, write publicly, for in private I've kept on doing it, is that as I was organizing photographs I finally got printed from May till October, an incredible sadness took over and I decided, ok, this is write-worthy…Let's see where it takes me.
I realized, I guess, that the last year, for as joyful as seeing her grow up has been, has also been wrought in a lot of difficult feelings and tension, and just the plain solitude that accompanies intense growing up.
There is the joy of the baby blossoming, and the grief of me growing - if that makes any sense - the grief of letting go of a part of me, of a way of being that cannot be anymore.

After having Cora, I've heard several pregnant women make reference to the fact that it hasn't sunk in yet that they're having a baby, and I always think (or say), hey, here's a surprise for you - it never really totally sinks in. You think it's all sunken in, but then, wow, ok, the baby is born! And then the first few days and weeks are really curious, because it's like - oh, wait, yes, there's a BABY now, and I'm responsible for everything about it!! I'm no longer pregnant and radiant and having the world wanting to pamper me, I'm tired, exhausted and a bit scared…
That takes a while to sink in…and when you think that's sinking in, there's all this other sequence of events that need to sink in - all the changes that abruptly took place in your life, all the small (or big) changes in that baby you need to adapt to, week after week, then suddenly…you work that out and then my current feeling is:  WOW, I have a little GIRL in the house, where did my baby go?!

What I'm saying, in this confusing post I'm too tired to go back and edit is: it is a lot to deal with!! A lot of personal growth, change, adaptation, grief to process, joys that barely fit in one's heart, pure life coming like a hurricane into all of our lives etc. etc. etc.
And what I'm saying with that, in order to bring this post full circle, is wow, sometimes writing about it is just plain ole overwhelming and I'd rather sit quiet and watch it all unfurl, and that is why it's been a long time.
Ok. that's it for now. Maybe I'll make more sense later.

Here's my little grown-up baby girl:

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