segunda-feira, 28 de novembro de 2011

rainy day café writing

It's raining, I'm sitting at a café and I like the feeling. This little cocoon feeling I get when I'm writing and I put the world on hold. Actually, better stated, I put myself on hold, in parenthesis.

I never enjoy going to the psychiatrist. It's almost not better than the gynecologist. Or the dentist. I guess I don't like any kind of doctor...but the psychiatrist can be just plain darn humiliating. I always feel so little when I go into that office and the man in the white coat gives me lessons on my pointless anxiety (as if I didn't know that, as if all I needed was to "snap" out of it and "REALIZE", oh my god, I don't really have a reason to be so anxious! Thanks a lot, the obvious is lovely.
But, alas, I need the prescription and he holds them in his white coat power. I try to hold my breath and make it as painless as possible, without losing the whole point of going.

So here I am, in a café, its raining outside and I have an hour to myself before my next class. A cappuccino is a must. I love having to wear a sweater or jacket and the biological need to warm myself up. So comforting!

I seriously think I want to try being a vegetarian again. Well, try "again" is a bit of a stretch, I tried for a week last time. But still...maybe all I have to do is imagine the little animal alive and hopping about and that will be enough to remind me. I know I'll need a backup plan for the severe cravings...maybe I should with only the red meat ban and work from there.

This is the first time I write at a café's such a tradition, isn't it? People with books and laptops? Even though I'm the only one here, it seems....Brazil hasn't really developed this much yet.

Rain, coat, cappuccino and overall overwhelming sleepy narcotic feeling!

domingo, 27 de novembro de 2011

Simple Truths

I've started reading this book called "Simple Abundance"with little personal essays every day for personal  soul searching and simple meditation. It's amazingly comforting and nurturing. 
The last 3 days have brought great phrases and thoughts for me: 

Nov 25
When you're sick:
Next time you're not feeling well please cradle yourself gently with kindness and compassion. You'll be better for it.

Nov 26
All shall be well, 
And all shall be well,
and all manner of things will be well.

This simple affirmation of faith is especially comforting because it seems to console the dark submerged sadness of the inexplicable, the unexpressed, the unresolved, the unfair and the undeniable that stalk my soul after I close my eyes. 
Some mysteries are beyond our comprehension. Some mysteries we will never solve. Never know. 
Sometimes we can't make sense of it. Sometimes none of it makes sense.  Sometimes it just is. But if we can hold on long enough for this night to give way to another day, all shall be well, even if it's different from what we had expected.

Nov 27
What do women want?
A nap, Dr. Freud, a nap.
If you want to be happy for the rest of your life, napping is not optional. 
"No day is so bad it can't be fixed with a  nap"Carrie Snow insists. no day is so good that it can;t be made better with a  terrific time out. 

It's like this woman has read my soul and gives me allowance to feel and think the way I do. Everyday I open the book up to the correct day and read and reread the 3 or 4 paragraphs, letting it sink in. 
Passionate truth.

quinta-feira, 24 de novembro de 2011

Passos Existenciais

Há um vazio se formando nos passos a seguir.
O vácuo vai se abrindo e isso impele a ação; puxa um pé para a frente e depois o outro. O pé que era o presente vira o passado e o que era passado vira o futuro.
Atrás de mim, possibilidades se fecham. Entendo cada pisada e me resigno ao que se fecha e me fascina o que se abre.
Cada passo me define, cada movimento apresenta novas possibilidades.
Me defino, me abro a novas definições, que por sua vez se definem...
E assim a dança segue, a passos de tango, ou de samba.

terça-feira, 22 de novembro de 2011

Não vale

Eu firmo o pé e digo - NÃO VALE. Seja lá o que você for, essa força destrutiva que me come do estômago para fora em ansiedade - NÃO VALE aparecer assim e, portanto, não posso te considerar ou reconhecer. Só posso te considerar depois de estar em pé, dentes escovados, rosto lavado e café na mão. Se você ainda persistir eu digo, ainda não esta valendo - só vale quando eu chegar no trabalho, quando tiver cumprimentado todo mundo, depois de ter entrado no ritmo. Se mesmo assim persistir, eu tomo mais uma xícara de café e digo, vamos em frente e se você ainda estiver presente depois de eu ter TENTADO TUDO, ai eu te considero. Aí vamos conversar.

Preciso firmar esse pé pois a alternativa é mais insuportável ainda. Me render a você e ter que recuar aos recantos do meu quarto, prisioneira...pode até parecer uma saída, pode até parecer alívio, mas e depois? Um dia terei que sair, e nesse dia, você não será tão benevolente. Ou seja, você não me engana. Se for pra me entregar será após muito mais muito jeito e jeitinhos, coisas que eu sei fazer bem.

domingo, 13 de novembro de 2011


Pitter patter, pitter patter
Pulses, raindrops, muscles that contract and let flow.
Pain and fluids that soar through the body in waves through its own system of undersea currents and contractions. 
I was so embarrassed today, about everything, about me. I felt like driving my car on and on and on. I thought about where I could go, I thought about what ticket to buy once I got to the airport. I thought about a silent haven where nobody could get to me, only the people I wanted to be with me. I realized that wouldn't be possible and went home - close enough.
Another wave tenses and contracts my muscles...let it be, pain will be pain. 
It is about finding my own ground and standing it. It is about me at the beach at 14, my mom and I in constant body scrutiny tension. It's about me having to let go of people who keep me safe right when I'm about to crack and enter that airplane. It's about feeling safer in that airplane than anywhere else on Earth and then having to leave it - back to "real" fffffff life. 
It's about the anger, the fright, the hurt. it's about finding these undersea currents and tapping into their power. Pitter patter pitter patter, I don't mind the idea of standing ground my way from here on. May the consequences be what they may. 

sexta-feira, 11 de novembro de 2011

Stubborn Rebel

I am a stubborn little person, I admit and own up to it. 
I am stubborn because I refuse to take things at face value, or just because someone says that it must be so...I am secretly a rebel, the worse rebel on earth, actually, for it is a secret.
 I refuse to accept that this is the way my life is supposed to go, I refuse to accept that I won't find something along the way of this godawful and confusing search. I am not in emptiness, there are myriads of visions, magic, spells, pits, flights, falls and - most of the time - just a plain old path in the middle of the woods, or a field, or mountains...or through a village. Lord of the Rings style. Maybe that's why I'm reluctant to leave this path, because it's so much more interesting than the other highway where thousands of cars seem to be stuck in a traffic jam. 
I refuse to recognize any kind of "rules"to how we are supposed to live. Timelines, milestones, marks of success or non-success...I am an angry person, I know that now. Angry people are not easy people. But I am a bad angry person, because I don't take it out on anyone or make a scene. 

I am a rebel who doesn't give herself enough credit.

sábado, 5 de novembro de 2011

The Idea of You

Why does the idea of you scare people?
Is it your boldness? The strength of what you represent? 
Or is it my idea of you that is bothersome? 

It seems like that alone is stopping you from coming to be and that...that is the saddest thing of all.

quarta-feira, 2 de novembro de 2011


Suddenly, the day is flowing.
The paintbrush has been picked up, the first stroke hangs in the air.
There is a universe out there- universe on top of universe on top of universe.
There are colors to be eaten, there are palettes to be tasted.
There are notes and bands to discover, babies to tend to, tongues to tune.

There is equilibrium, there is creation, there is a cocoon.