terça-feira, 25 de junho de 2013


Now is time to brew, to set energies in motion. Carefully, lovingly with myself. I scare easily and by now know myself very, very well. Well enough to do this properly and not set myself into flight off a cliff because I'm to scared to see where I'm going.
I'm brewing, researching, letting the taste of a new idea settle on my tongue.
It's going to be ok, tell myself. It is.
No matter what those voices say at night, you are not alone. No matter what they try to tell you about your self-worth - they know nothing. NOTHING. Reminds me of, "you know nothing, Jon Snow!" hehe.

Ok, so you know nothing Jon Snow, it IS going to be alright, I am NOT alone, and my life is very damn well worth a lot.

domingo, 23 de junho de 2013

Poetry for the soul

Flush or Faunus
You see this dog. It was but yesterday
I mused, forgetful of his presence here,
Till thought on thought drew downward tear on tear;
When from the pillow, where wet-cheeked I lay,
A head as hairy as Faunus, thrust its way
Right sudden against my face,--two golden-clear
Large eyes astonished mine,--a drooping ear
Did flap me on either cheek, to dry the spray!
I started first, as some Arcadian
Amazed by goatly god in twilight grove:
But as my bearded vision closelier ran
My tears off, I knew Flush, and rose above
Surprise and sadness; thanking the true Pan,
Who, by low creatures, leads to heights of love

I love how some people just make little gumdrops out of words. "And they just roll on your tongue - till thought on thought drew downward tear on tear..." All this to talk about the love of a dog, and for a dog. 

I'm really glad I wrote about the first few months after Cora being born, and during pregnancy, because sincerely, I have amnesia. With great intensity comes weird brain problems in my case. I can't register EVERYTHING, I don't have time to sit down and remember and reminisce and remember, replay...etc...so things slip by. So when I go back and read the words from those days, it's amazing. I'm grateful for writing. Writing and words. One is cooking, the other little morsels. 

terça-feira, 18 de junho de 2013

Updates 8.5 months

Unfortunately journal writing takes too much time and I just find it easier doing it here. There are so many changes, so fast, that I know I'm letting some go by without much notice. One day she doesn't know how to open the kitchen cupboard, the next day she does, and then it's like she always knew how to do it...
Now she claps, "sings" and bounces up and down in a baby dance. She has some sort of memory of where things are int he house, she has a geographical notion of the house as she crawls back and forth, back and forth, aiming for specific rooms and objects.
I don't know what day she began crawling, sometime in May, but I have pictures of it...

And so many other changes...little changes in nuances of her interaction with us, with others..in her sleep..what else? In general, though, the feeling is that we are living the final phases of her babyhood. Soon she'll be a toddler, I can feel it. She's a few steps away from walking, almost balancing on her own two feet. Wow!! I can't believe that we've made it all this way. Everything is so temporary, especially when you have a baby. 

domingo, 16 de junho de 2013

Reflections on family and such

Before I go on about family:
Sometimes (a lot of them, actually) I think this exclusive motherhood business is going to drive me crazy. Or perhaps the exclusive motherhood in a tiny apartment business...that sounds better. I'm tired of sitting between the same four walls, between couch and wall, between bed and wall, between chair and wall. And doing the same things over and over and over and over again.
I know that these things which seem so repetitive do change over time, in a very slow upward spiral direction, and that gives me hope. I have to actively notice these changes, however, or else I have the false belief that nothing ever changes.

My family. I miss my family in an odd way. I never noticed before how much of my identity comes from them. A LOT of it. Now that they are all spread out across the country and continents, I realize their importance. What are we like, as a family? I always presumed we didn't have many "family" characteristics, but we do.
Let's see. First thing I would definitely mention is our low attachment to material things. This is an important value that was passed on to me. We have money, but we don't have expensive things. And when we do, they are not of utter importance and their absence is not significant. We make do with what we have available, whether of great wealth or not. I can make a toy out of a bottle and beans just as easily as with a trendy Fisher-Price gadget.  I think this will be passed on to Cora, for I demonstrate this to her with all of her "things", be them clothes, toys or accessories. No one thing is irreplaceable or priceless.

As a family, we value experiences over material things. Education, there's a strong one. Ever since I can remember I was taught the value of studying and investing in personal betterment.

Oddly enough, we value experience over people, as well. In the sense that we leave each other free to pursue what is best for each one. This comes at a price, but both my parents decided at a young age that this personal independence is more valuable than supposed family union at the price of freedom of thought and ways. This has also trickled down to us daughters and is one of the trickiest matters I have to negotiate all the time in my new family. My in-law family does not live by this motto. Actually, this seems to spear them in the heart and all they hold valuable. I've been feeling like a total witch these last few months because in order to be true to me, many a time (MANY) I have to frustrate them and what they believe to be true. I wish they could realize that I am not a threat - that me having my distance and personal independence does not mean I am trying to destroy family or whatnot. But how do I deal with a family who believes that happiness comes from family that my happiness (and therefore that of their granddaughter) can come from being a little less in herd family mode? How do I deal with this if in order for me to be "happy," I apparently have to make them "unhappy?" Tricky business.

Back to my family.
In the same manner that we are not held by family legions or traditions, we are also not particulary patriotic or have a strong sense of roots. We look forward and beyond frontiers and borders. My sister and I were raised for the world. My mother and father, in their own way, left their small town families behind to live the world. I do not want to give this up, and I believe tha tif I do, all that I know to be me will wither away and suffer. This is one of the strongest things I value and that make me feel especially happy. The world, the traveling, the learning and exploring. I will never be content in just one corner of this big wide world. Luckily, I believe Ez and I have this affinity. Although his drive may not be as clear or strong as mine, he does have it. And that propels us into the future, with common plans and dreams.