sábado, 25 de fevereiro de 2012

One out of Many Pregnancy Dreams

Pregnancy is notorious for it`s crazy and vivid dreams, and I have not escaped the norm. Every night I can remember a serie of these eerie dreams and usually they make me wake up in a sweat, heart pounding fast...
Tonight`s dream, while apparently scary, wasn't so much..I woke up feeling good about it. The image below represents the image in the dream very accurately (without antennae, however).

We were living in the vet hospital where I grew up and suddenly I felt this bulge coming through my stomach, something trying to make it's way through. It became clearer and clearer as it neared the surface, that it was the fetus, moving around and popping up, wrapped in some sort of sac. He was right there, on the surface, and when I breathed in, the sac filled like a ballon and so did the fetus, and he would increase in size, becoming very visible against the translucid sac layer and my skin. I could see every detail of his body, his tiny eyes, hands, spine...I showed Ez and he was fascinated. I could see the bumps of his spinal cord against my skin, and at one point little antennae broke through my skin and it was really strange and sorta gross. I tried to push them back in, and realized that if I breathed in deeply, I could possibly make the sac pop. I was scared, and held on to my tummy where the baby while I walked to the clinic, to ask the nurses for help. I wanted them to wrap something around my stomach so he would stop popping out like that. I pushed him back in a bit but my skin was loose where he had popped out, like an old balloon. The nurses all huddled over me, trying to help, a bit panicked, and then I felt the baby coming up through my throat, like I was throwing it up. It reached the top of my throat and they could see it through my mouth. I wanted to swallow it back down but they warned me about being too forceful because the sac could burst. 
It was a terrifying experience but fascinating as well!!! I still remember the details of his/her body, it was incredible to see it that close to me!

quarta-feira, 22 de fevereiro de 2012

Maybe Prayer

Maybe i`ll get it in my head that I have chosen this present situation. I chose to stop working, I chose to give myself time to digest and deal with all the changes.
Maybe I`ll understand that I do not control so much that is happening right now, for even when I want to do something, sometimes the fatigue or the sickness is too strong.
Maybe I`ll put it in my brain that I am doing this for a bigger reason, that there is a child in the way and that is not "being lazy"or "worthless"when I have to lie down on the couch most hours of the day.
Maybe I`ll finally chill and realize that there is much more to life, so many other ways to give to the world than the classic capitalist working girl way.
Maybe my brain synapses will calm down and be soothed by these thoughts. God, I need you more than ever right now. Amen

terça-feira, 21 de fevereiro de 2012

Wind to the Smoke

Wow, almost a month has gone by since we've found out about you...
A month has gone by, I have quit my job and have dealt with intense anxiety, fear, nausea and general insecurity. I want you to understand how this is not about you, that I love you very much. I want you to understand that I am trying to sort a lot of things out in order to be a better person, a happier person and therefore a happier mom to you. I am dealing with things without the buffering of anxiety meds or even work. My past demons, my present demons, my inner child and her grief, for starters. I am working through my arrogance and my terrible self-esteem. I am working on my life purpose, on what I am here to do and trying to tap into my inner truth, filtering it amidst so many different misleading voices.
I want you to know that I am trying very hard to be a good enough mother for you. I am sorry if the grief reaches you, or the anxiety. I hope you can understand at some level what it’s about and be able to digest it somehow. If not, I pray that God reach down his hand and blow it away like the wind blows away smoke or dandelions. Or that he stroke your newly formed hair for me...

sexta-feira, 17 de fevereiro de 2012

Um começo

Vamos conversar algumas coisas...
Há dias melhores, há dias piores...e há momentos melhores e piores dentro dos dias melhores e piores. Dias piores são dias quase suicidas, dias em que nada faz sentido e eu quero desaparecer da face da terra. Não há esperança.
A falta de esperança é um dos piores sentimentos na face da terra, se não o pior.
Aí de repente, ou depois de um esforço muito do consciente, a esperança vai voltando e parece que existe algum lugar seguro onde se pisar.

Algumas coisas precisam se esclarecer. Do tipo: Nao posso ir atrás de um super novo emprego agora, por vários motivos - primeiro porque vou viajar em maio, passar um tempo fora. Não faz sentido investir em algo novo, algo que requer grande compromisso agora. E além do mais, se não for por concurso, acho difícil alguém querer me contratar agora.
Além do mais, não faço nem idéia para que me candidataria no momento. Inglês? Acabei de sair de aula de inglês e se for pra retormar, voltaria pra onde estava, já que gostava de lá e não tem o esquema de semestres, etc. Algo por dois meses, temporário.

Muita coisa pode mudar pra mim depois que o bebê nascer. Na minha cabeça, ao meu redor. Posso consolidar ou esclarecer algo. Também tem a finalização do curso de especialização.

Pronto. Qualquer coisa que eu poderia começar agora teria que ser temporário ou no mínimo, interrompível, tanto pela viagem quanto pela gravidez.

um começo.

domingo, 12 de fevereiro de 2012

Be Kind

Let's talk openly. These last few weeks have been VERY, VERY DIFFICULT for me. I have gone back to places I never thought I would have to revisit and I've gone to new distinct places of joy, yes, dreams, yes, but mostly of severe and impailing fear.

I've been sleeping very badly, having a lot of strange realistic nightmares. I wake up tense with fear, panic, my stomach churning and heat soaring through my body. That quickly leads to the tears, horrible thick tears. It has been extremely painful, inside and out.
I never know how much is emotional, how much is physical...does it really matter? I guess it does in order for me more patient and forgiving with myself. But even if it is my emotions going haywire, shouldn't I also be patient and forgiving? Well, all that seems irrelevant between my sheets in the morning, dante's mornings. I find myself engaged in the biggest battle ever - between me and me and all the demons that I cultivate and hide deep down. They are all flying out and about and tearing my insides apart.

I am not exaggerating, this is how it has been. I get up after summoning all my strentgh, but also in a vain attempt to escape them (the demons) and end up over the toilet, throwing up nothing, just tears and snot that has run down to my stomach and after a while, some bile. Not a pretty pictures. I get so ANGRY during these moments, I yell/throw up. I yell NO! I yell, NOT FAIR! I yell, STOOOP!

Then it can go a hundred different ways from there. Maybe I go to my mom's room, asking for help, maybe I call a friend, maybe I'm with my boyfriend, sometimes I stay alone, watching tv and waiting to doze off again. PEOPLE really help, just being with other people. Being alone with this right now is very difficult. There is little in my own head to help me from sinking.

I was having less of a hard time some time ago, I guess I was managing to hold it together. Then it all burst at the seams. It still isn't sinking in there is someone down there, that it will start growing and showing soon...right now I just feel fat and bloated and indigested. And weepy and ugly and tired and scared.

So again, I cannot stress enough how PEOPLE have been very important right now, helping me move along, serving as my brains and sometimes as my hands and feet. I figure there are times in life when we need other people more than usual and that's what we are here for.

God, I pray for the serenity and peace of mind that are lacking, I pray for my stomach and intestines to go back to something normal soon. I pray for the lights in my mind to go back on again, I pray for me to feel like myself (confident, patient, kind) soon as well. I pray for me to be strong enough to be patient with myself until things shift back into place for me.

Please be kind, please be gentle...

terça-feira, 7 de fevereiro de 2012

Morning Sickness

The most badly named sickness in the world - morning sickness. There is nothing that limits it to mornings.
Morning, mid-morning, noon, afternoon, mid afternoon, early evening, night, midnight, dawn...You name it, there it is. I have been knocked off my feet by it, I did not see it coming. People talk about it all the time but I had no idea how much it could get to you, how much emotional sensitivity plays a part in this whole process. It's been 2 weeks, almost 3, of feeling sick, but I can't seem to remember my life before this.  Today I had an inkling of HOPE that this will actually work out and I will be HAPPY, it gave me much needed relief.

March, oh March, please come soon!!

Tomorrow I will get to hear your heart beat...that should be amazing.

sexta-feira, 3 de fevereiro de 2012

7 weeks 2 days

Seven weeks, 2 days and you are the size of blueberry. A floating pink blueberry filled with fluids and tissues.

I am also a floating liquid filled tissue. That's what it feels like. Ingesting calories, nutrients, expelling pee, sometimes vomit. Giving out blood for the microscopes to test. Everything is under scrutiny.

Resting, restless, resting...whenever I start to go all mental-judge-maya on myself, I remember that I am producing a LIFE, for goodness sake, what can be more important than that? How can I ask more of myself right now, other than to take care of both of us? It's a time to turn inwards, almost inside out. It's pratically impossible to ask of me that I turn outwards, that I go into the world and start worrying about worldy issues at the moment; Egypt, primaries, Brazilian government careers, salaries, etc., are all beyond my scope right not. I worry about oranges and fish. About cell growth and metabolisms. About rooms, curtains and blankets.
Mom and dad.
And baby.