quarta-feira, 21 de dezembro de 2011

From a Bird Eye's View

The world as I see it
is a remarkable place
a beautiful house in a forest of stars in outer space
From a bird eye's view
I can see it has a well-rounded personality
(...)
From a bird eye´s view
I can see we are spiralling 
Down in gravity
From a bird eye's view 
I can see you are just like me

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=OjP7VTHUais

A  well-rounded personality...One of my favorite parts of the song, along with "we are spiralling down in gravity". It's not hard for me to love you, no, it´s not a difficult thing.

Unconditionally.

So many conditions we have and that are so hard to get rid of, even if we are aware and if we try.
I will love you, but, will you love me the way I need you to love me? Can I accept that you will love me as you will, as you can? Can I accept that the same goes for me?
What happens when we look at each other and realize we are frustrated for a second, for a moment, for weeks? Are we respecting each other's space or are we losing ourselves in all this space? Are we trying too hard to be me and you and not achieving the we?
Other questions:
What role am I playing in your life? Are we building this life together or am I a background piece that comes into focus when possible or when youre up to it? How far am I willing to concede to what you need, vice versa and how much can we live with differences and what will never change? How far into this are we, are we individualized enough from our own backgrounds or are we pretending to be? Can we handle being a we and stop hanging on to what our original "families" expect from us and taught us? Can we be creative, can we question, can we get excited about it?

I think that deep down we all are thinking this, at least if we're not in that initial infatuation stage of life:
I will love you, but...you'll change, right? Eventually...you'll see I'm right!


and THAT, my friends, will never happen.



segunda-feira, 19 de dezembro de 2011

I Did it


I did it, I did it and I promised myself that as soon as I did it I would write about how I did it!

I
got
through
the last Monday morning
of the year
before the break.
It's over.

I don't know how it happened, perhaps sheer willpower and all that is responsible in me, but I got up today, I WOKE UP, I ACTUALLY GOT OUT OF BED half awake and wholly angry at students who want class on Christmas week.

And
I CAME.
But the student didn't.

...

....

Can you hear the inner scream of irony and twisted pranks on this precious little last week?

I just want to be home, watching christmas movies and programs and having hot chocolate (ok, not hot chocolate, but very very cold iced drink of some sort, but let's keep the christmas feeling going), hanging out with my boyfriend, sleeping whenever I felt like it and enjoying the endemic never-ending rain!

Soon my dear, soon!


sexta-feira, 16 de dezembro de 2011

Me enxergando I


1. Gosto de tempestades e caos que nos tira todos da rotina, coletivamente. Me faz sentir mais segura e parte de um algo maior.
2. O nivel da minha memoria indica o nivel de business que estou.
Inversamente proporcional.
No momento nao está prestando.
3. Money is not what motivates me, just partly.
4. Sleep is vital.

segunda-feira, 12 de dezembro de 2011

Meu pai se vai


Meu pai chegou e já se vai e estou tão estranha. Dou graças a deus que não dependo mais do meus pais. Consigo ver tão claramente como isso foi tortura na minha vida e fonte de tanta angústia. Eu amo cada um a seu modo mas sei separar agora a dor que provem das memórias e saber que esta dor é real, mas não é de agora. É de outra Maya, outra época. Posso chorar por essa Maya, posso sentir a dor e saber, passou. Passou. Você era só uma menina e agora não é mais. Agora não tem mais o bicho-papão desse jeito. Agora eles não podem mais te deixar sozinha, você não está assustada AGORA. Você está assustada lá, em outro contexto.
Crazy stuff, huh?

segunda-feira, 28 de novembro de 2011

rainy day café writing


It's raining, I'm sitting at a café and I like the feeling. This little cocoon feeling I get when I'm writing and I put the world on hold. Actually, better stated, I put myself on hold, in parenthesis.

I never enjoy going to the psychiatrist. It's almost not better than the gynecologist. Or the dentist. I guess I don't like any kind of doctor...but the psychiatrist can be just plain darn humiliating. I always feel so little when I go into that office and the man in the white coat gives me lessons on my pointless anxiety (as if I didn't know that, as if all I needed was to "snap" out of it and "REALIZE", oh my god, I don't really have a reason to be so anxious! Thanks a lot, the obvious is lovely.
But, alas, I need the prescription and he holds them in his white coat power. I try to hold my breath and make it as painless as possible, without losing the whole point of going.

So here I am, in a café, its raining outside and I have an hour to myself before my next class. A cappuccino is a must. I love having to wear a sweater or jacket and the biological need to warm myself up. So comforting!

I seriously think I want to try being a vegetarian again. Well, try "again" is a bit of a stretch, I tried for a week last time. But still...maybe all I have to do is imagine the little animal alive and hopping about and that will be enough to remind me. I know I'll need a backup plan for the severe cravings...maybe I should with only the red meat ban and work from there.

This is the first time I write at a café...it's such a tradition, isn't it? People with books and laptops? Even though I'm the only one here, it seems....Brazil hasn't really developed this much yet.

Rain, coat, cappuccino and overall overwhelming sleepy narcotic feeling!

domingo, 27 de novembro de 2011

Simple Truths


I've started reading this book called "Simple Abundance"with little personal essays every day for personal  soul searching and simple meditation. It's amazingly comforting and nurturing. 
The last 3 days have brought great phrases and thoughts for me: 


Nov 25
When you're sick:
Next time you're not feeling well please cradle yourself gently with kindness and compassion. You'll be better for it.


Nov 26
All shall be well, 
And all shall be well,
and all manner of things will be well.


This simple affirmation of faith is especially comforting because it seems to console the dark submerged sadness of the inexplicable, the unexpressed, the unresolved, the unfair and the undeniable that stalk my soul after I close my eyes. 
Some mysteries are beyond our comprehension. Some mysteries we will never solve. Never know. 
Sometimes we can't make sense of it. Sometimes none of it makes sense.  Sometimes it just is. But if we can hold on long enough for this night to give way to another day, all shall be well, even if it's different from what we had expected.


Nov 27
What do women want?
A nap, Dr. Freud, a nap.
If you want to be happy for the rest of your life, napping is not optional. 
"No day is so bad it can't be fixed with a  nap"Carrie Snow insists. no day is so good that it can;t be made better with a  terrific time out. 






It's like this woman has read my soul and gives me allowance to feel and think the way I do. Everyday I open the book up to the correct day and read and reread the 3 or 4 paragraphs, letting it sink in. 
Passionate truth.

quinta-feira, 24 de novembro de 2011

Passos Existenciais


Há um vazio se formando nos passos a seguir.
O vácuo vai se abrindo e isso impele a ação; puxa um pé para a frente e depois o outro. O pé que era o presente vira o passado e o que era passado vira o futuro.
Atrás de mim, possibilidades se fecham. Entendo cada pisada e me resigno ao que se fecha e me fascina o que se abre.
Cada passo me define, cada movimento apresenta novas possibilidades.
Me defino, me abro a novas definições, que por sua vez se definem...
E assim a dança segue, a passos de tango, ou de samba.

terça-feira, 22 de novembro de 2011

Não vale

Eu firmo o pé e digo - NÃO VALE. Seja lá o que você for, essa força destrutiva que me come do estômago para fora em ansiedade - NÃO VALE aparecer assim e, portanto, não posso te considerar ou reconhecer. Só posso te considerar depois de estar em pé, dentes escovados, rosto lavado e café na mão. Se você ainda persistir eu digo, ainda não esta valendo - só vale quando eu chegar no trabalho, quando tiver cumprimentado todo mundo, depois de ter entrado no ritmo. Se mesmo assim persistir, eu tomo mais uma xícara de café e digo, vamos em frente e se você ainda estiver presente depois de eu ter TENTADO TUDO, ai eu te considero. Aí vamos conversar.

Preciso firmar esse pé pois a alternativa é mais insuportável ainda. Me render a você e ter que recuar aos recantos do meu quarto, prisioneira...pode até parecer uma saída, pode até parecer alívio, mas e depois? Um dia terei que sair, e nesse dia, você não será tão benevolente. Ou seja, você não me engana. Se for pra me entregar será após muito mais muito jeito e jeitinhos, coisas que eu sei fazer bem.

domingo, 13 de novembro de 2011

Flow

Pitter patter, pitter patter
Pulses, raindrops, muscles that contract and let flow.
Pain and fluids that soar through the body in waves through its own system of undersea currents and contractions. 
I was so embarrassed today, about everything, about me. I felt like driving my car on and on and on. I thought about where I could go, I thought about what ticket to buy once I got to the airport. I thought about a silent haven where nobody could get to me, only the people I wanted to be with me. I realized that wouldn't be possible and went home - close enough.
Another wave tenses and contracts my muscles...let it be, pain will be pain. 
It is about finding my own ground and standing it. It is about me at the beach at 14, my mom and I in constant body scrutiny tension. It's about me having to let go of people who keep me safe right when I'm about to crack and enter that airplane. It's about feeling safer in that airplane than anywhere else on Earth and then having to leave it - back to "real" fffffff life. 
It's about the anger, the fright, the hurt. it's about finding these undersea currents and tapping into their power. Pitter patter pitter patter, I don't mind the idea of standing ground my way from here on. May the consequences be what they may. 

sexta-feira, 11 de novembro de 2011

Stubborn Rebel

I am a stubborn little person, I admit and own up to it. 
I am stubborn because I refuse to take things at face value, or just because someone says that it must be so...I am secretly a rebel, the worse rebel on earth, actually, for it is a secret.
 I refuse to accept that this is the way my life is supposed to go, I refuse to accept that I won't find something along the way of this godawful and confusing search. I am not in emptiness, there are myriads of visions, magic, spells, pits, flights, falls and - most of the time - just a plain old path in the middle of the woods, or a field, or mountains...or through a village. Lord of the Rings style. Maybe that's why I'm reluctant to leave this path, because it's so much more interesting than the other highway where thousands of cars seem to be stuck in a traffic jam. 
I refuse to recognize any kind of "rules"to how we are supposed to live. Timelines, milestones, marks of success or non-success...I am an angry person, I know that now. Angry people are not easy people. But I am a bad angry person, because I don't take it out on anyone or make a scene. 

I am a rebel who doesn't give herself enough credit.

sábado, 5 de novembro de 2011

The Idea of You


Why does the idea of you scare people?
Is it your boldness? The strength of what you represent? 
Or is it my idea of you that is bothersome? 


It seems like that alone is stopping you from coming to be and that...that is the saddest thing of all.

quarta-feira, 2 de novembro de 2011

Cocoon


Suddenly, the day is flowing.
The paintbrush has been picked up, the first stroke hangs in the air.
There is a universe out there- universe on top of universe on top of universe.
There are colors to be eaten, there are palettes to be tasted.
There are notes and bands to discover, babies to tend to, tongues to tune.


There is equilibrium, there is creation, there is a cocoon.

domingo, 30 de outubro de 2011

More than welcome

Please be here, with me. Please be here, growing, changing my life. Please feed off of me, please multiply, please change the arch of my back and all other curves. You are more than welcome. 
I pray for you, I pray you make it into our lives soon.

sábado, 29 de outubro de 2011

Kinks


I started educating myself on the history of rock n roll. I've always been so hopelessly ignorant on all of it I finally felt ashamed enough to do something about it. With the help of one of my students, I now have a basic idea of how it all flows (from The Kinks, Elvis, Ray Charles to progressive to hard rock to punk to grunge to independent...) and have started with the aforementioned The Kinks. I just put a playlist on grooveshark and get acquainted. It's nice.
Then I'll move on to the next of millions of bands that have resulted since the 50's. Quite an endeavor!

On a different note, I am so angry at the world and at myself I am able to see it oh so clearly. I can actually see that the anger I direct at myself, with my semi-suicide or self-harm impulses - they are actually rage at life in general and I don't take them quite so literally. Thank god.

At my job, people are telling me to not take things so seriously and just face it like the job that it is. "It's just a job!" ... .... ...
I realized that's where we diverge in thinking and attitude: this isn't just a job for me.

This is my LIFE we are talking about.

This job will never be "just a job". There is too much at stake. I feel everything with the life and death urgency that it is. I left another job (which was in itself a big leap of faith and a great personal challenge for me) to place all of my tokens on this one and I have no idea what I'm doing, basically, other than wishing and hoping and waiting. When waiting turns into results after some months, I go ballistic, because the results aren't really what I wanted but then again, what did i want? How can I get angry at life if I don't even know what my expectations are?

So I cried yet again - cried cried cried with all of this bubbling about, erupting in one dangerous volcano. I made 10 thousand resolutions and get away plans. Yeah, you really got me, you got me so you don't know what I'm doing, so I can't sleep at night!
And then I woke up. All I feel is tired and sleepy and with some coffee in  my tummy I'm heading out to honor my commitment, like "a well respected man"- cuz his world is built on punctuality, it never fails. And he's so good and he's all so fine...

quinta-feira, 27 de outubro de 2011

List of 10 things



"Make a list of 10 things you want right now (material or not)"
So here goes, as honest as possible


1. I want to sleep at least till 10 o clock tomorrow morning
2. I want to get out of teaching kids
3. I want a passion..the rest will follow
4. I want an iPod again
5. A big fat cookie
6. A different job
7. I want a city with subways, cheap (and efficient) buses sidewalks so that I can sell my car
8. I want to be pregnant (don't ask)
9. I want it to rain so much/some other form of natural disaster tomorrow there will be a blackout and nobody will have class
10. I want my face to stop being a teenage acne face and grow up!


amen

quarta-feira, 26 de outubro de 2011

You're ok, right?

I dreamt with Ms. V.
It's been a while. 
The feeling is still with me and it fills me with wonder.

Tis like so:
I was at EAB, still a student there. I was frustrated because everybody I knew had already graduated and there I was...a senior because of numerous different things that had held me back. 
Ms. V had returned to work as a teacher there, but this time with her husband and her yet to be born child. She was really pregnant and so was I. She talked to me normally, as if we were friends, and counted on me to help her with several things. It was like she admired me. She asked me why I was still there, I told her and she sympathized with me. I was some sort of helper in her art classes because she trusted me and I was older than everyone else. 
I had to keep checking if I was really pregnant, sometimes it seemed to fade away and I couldn't remember if it was real or if it was just me wanting it to be real so that she could connect with me even more. 
Then she waited for me so that we could leave together and she invited me to her place. I felt so happy, but I was calm. Then she told me, as we walked through the front gates of the school, that she had a meeting with some people at the school, like a group of "elders" (except they aren't elders, it's just a group of other teachers or professionals) that she responded to because she had been assigned to take care of me when I was her student more than ten years ago. She told me she was going to meet with them to tell them how I was and she said...so, you're ok, right? It seems like it....I said yes and then went silent, thinking about how to explain to her how I really was. She asked what was the matter and I said I was waiting till we left the school so that I could tell her about it. We got into this weird sled type device she had that was shaped like a caterpillar or cocoon and she told me to get into it, that it was a lot of fun. It was propelled by our bodies and was able to go uphill with no problem. I thought it was amazing and told her she needed to take it back to Canada, it would be very useful. We turned into L2 and then grabbed the next "retorno". I asked her if it was correct, 209/210 and she said yes. 


That's it. 
I can't believe I dreamt with her like this. She's always been a powerful figure in my life - real life (my fantasized teenage version of her) and my dream life (ditto). But in my dream life things have progressed so that we are more like equals than before . Oh I miss her and this possibility we never had, for I was too young and too needy. I miss the art, I miss her sense of humor and the smell of the art room. I miss her initial admiration of my creativity...I miss having the artistic drive and that feeling of liberation when I set myself to draw, paint or photograph. I believed in myself and my vision. 
She believed in my vision, a feeling that is priceless and necessary for a child growing up, which is what I mostly still am. 

terça-feira, 25 de outubro de 2011

In the Dark

rivotril rivotril rivotril rivotril
mac in the dark, the keyboard lights up, like I wish my mind would.

Help me.

Let's take a look back at the last few months or year.

I have an obvious difficulty of maintaining any sort of meaningful activity for any meaningful amount of time. I have quit 2 different courses. And about 4 different jobs over the last 3 years. Quit because of complete lack of interest or energy to invest in it. I stopped caring. 
I have cancelled classes twice in the last month because of emotional issues. I have stopped caring. 

I used to have passions and now, for the life of me, I can't remember what I ever saw in anything, even though I KNOW it is here somewhere, SOMEWHERE. It can't just have disappeared. It can't, can it?

I see a black wall when I try to visualize anything in the future. I feel an oppressive black wall pressing down on me. 
The concentration I need in order to build on any idea or inspiration that comes to me is lacking. I give up in frustration when I can't wrap my head around something. Indecisiveness reigns in such stupid decisions such as what to eat. I have gone hungry many a time because that decision is too difficult for me. It's ridiculous. 

I'm almost giving up on another job, I'm so tired of sustaining my facade of caring, of having to interact with people hour after hour after hour. I'm exhausted of trying to make sense of my ups and downs. Of trying to act when the up is up and just have everything dismantled by the next low. It's exhausting and exasperating. 

I feel so guilty for feeling this way. I feel like I'm letting just about everybody I know down. I feel like all the dreams my parents had for me are being wasted and I don't want to admit to them that I'm going through what I'm going through. It terrifies me that they or anyone should know. But at the same time, oh god, I need help and I need someone to know and to CARE.



sábado, 22 de outubro de 2011

Sétimo Dia

Eis o sétimo dia de viagem. Sete dias; sete vidas.
O sétimo dia traz consigo cansaço e uma sensaçao de calma, pois nao ha mais pressa de se ver tudo e realizar todos os possiveis passeios. Garantimos bom tempo de sol e nao muito calor, só um pouco. Estamos na descida final que nos aproxima ao retorno. Geralmente esta fase é mais silenciosa mesmo.


quarta-feira, 12 de outubro de 2011

Let's See What Happens


My eyesight is turning into mush. Everything is headache provoking, and by everything I mean everything. Screens or real life, it all seems to swirl, even though my doctor okayed me about a month ago.

This holiday was quite refreshing and a much needed boost for me to reach the 15th in more of one piece.

I put it in my head that I want to reach a personal target, a target full of meaning for me:
I want to complete one year working at the same place. The only time this happened was at Animax. This has grounded me, this new target. 
I have a goal – stick it out a year and SEE WHAT HAPPENS. (deep breath)
Simple as that. Just see what happens as you try something never before done. See what happens as you actually grow financially independent, see what happens as you encroach on two years of a serious and stable relationship.

See what changes, see what doesn’t.

From here to there it is a stretch of a leg. I already told you my theory about the end of the year…it’s practically here. November is the real last month, not December. December is just work xmas parties, family xmas parties, friend xmas parties and so on and so forth. Everyone seems to be in a better mood in general, or just less demanding as they realize that they can let go of 2011 and all the results they expected. Let go.
See what happens. I have completed 4 months since I first set foot at my current job, the first trimester is over – maybe the morning sickness is over as well. 

terça-feira, 11 de outubro de 2011

O Objetivo

O objetivo, e devo ter isso bem claro, e' o crescimento. 'E deixar morrer certas coisas.

Ok.

S'embora

sábado, 8 de outubro de 2011

Why You Make Me Nervous

Why is my jaw clenched like I've been under interrogation for an entire day relentlessly?
Because that's what it feels like. 
You make me confront everything about me that has not integrated and has not been accepted by me.
You are everything I am afraid of in myself and my past, and you are a living, breathing being right in front of me. 
You are everything I don't understand about my exiled parts, about the parts that hurt, the hurt that never seems to heal. 
It has to do with identity, like several tarot cards turned face up on the table and I am supposed to choose one.
So yes, I love you, you are fascinating to me, but I don't feel at ease. 
You make me realize what I am not or what I AM but cannot be, at least I haven't figured out how. 

quinta-feira, 6 de outubro de 2011

That's Life I Guess

I am absolutely positively driving myself mad.

One moment I love something, the next I hate it.
One moment I feel so proud of myself, the next I feel like crap and incompetent.

I 'm tired of the swinging back and forth!

One moment I'm so calm, the next I'm chewing through my own fingers
One moment focus is my middle name, the next I can't put 2 and 2 together

One moment it seems like the world will crumble under my thunderstorms, then suddenly the most amazing rainbow comes out.
And there you have it.

quarta-feira, 5 de outubro de 2011

Sei nell'anima

Ciao italiano...sei ancora con me, non ti ho dimenticato, ok?
Mi manchi molto, specialmente quando inizio a parlare di te con gli altri, quando comincio a raccontare le mie storie con te, con il tuo paese e i tuoi paesini. Come voglio saltare sul treno e ritornarci!!

Ciao viaggiare, non ti ho dimenticato.
Non ho dimenticato i biglietti, i aeri, la sensazione di aver passato tutta la notte mezzo sveglia mezzo dormita mas CONTENTA e con l'adrenalina nelle vene.

Non vi ho dimenticato!! Sono in un periodo un po strano, un po di pausa, un po di "aspetta maya". Sto rivedendo le mie priorità, quello che credo e quello che posso davvero. Cerco di capire quale sono i limiti che davvero esistono e quelli che ho creato me stessa. 

Cerco di rompere i circoli viziosi in cui mi trovo. ma come tutte i cambiamenti veri, ci vuole pazienza e tempo. Voglio che siano vere, non illusioni per poi ritornare allo stesso posto dove mi trovavo prima. 

amen. 

sábado, 1 de outubro de 2011

Gestation

I know. Again.


I just need to process.

Think fast, free associatie...

English - I don'tknow
living abroad, it's not the moment
world crisis, our economy is actually the one working well for a change (well, well enough)

Need more time to implement changes, for more clairt is needed. More clarity. Where when how what.

Psychology beckons, I miss it. I miss it.

There, I said it.
What the hell, right? How many little post do I have here about how I wanted to be very far away from it? I don't get it. But ok, write, free association. I miss thinking like a psychologist, I miss the critical thinking, the analytical thinking about life and ways of life. I miss how everything was relative and human were more human.

I miss studying psychopathology especially, it's something I've always had an attraction to. I miss being with people who actually accept this and understand.

I want to go back and finish my course. I want to find something to write my final thesis about. I want to write. I want to study, reading books and taking notes and underlining passages, making summaries and getting ideas. I've been feeling quite stupid without it.

English is the now. I don't know if it's the future. Help me god. HELP ME. Seriously.

Something is gonna give. I know it is.

Hey, arrête la folie. arrête ta folie!

Da ascoltare mentre leggi: 
To listen to while reading:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tGkw1VSUlfo&ob=av2e



Still feeling crazy inside. Feeling crazy angry at a lot of things. 

Arrête ma folie!!

I´m wondering what my next long trip should be. Where to, what to study, what to see, what to photograph...I´m dreaming with my eyes open, dreaming of the next train out of this city.

The more I talk about this the more I realize what a crazy city this city is. I mean, it is MY city, I woke up here - oops, i meant to say I grew up here (freudian slip?), so it will always be MY city and I will only accept criticism from people who actually live here. Like criticizing your family members..you can do it but if someone else does it, get out of the way!

I´m tired of the bubble land of civil servants, where all the prices are adjusted to THEIR possibilities. I´m sick of it being so expensive to live on your own, to pay for gas, to pay for bread. I´m tired of all the status symbols people use around here, ranging all the way to brand of their baby clothes, the gyms, workout clothes, your disney vacations , to the schools these brats go to, to the yogoberries. So healthy, soooo american. I´m tired. Yes. You get the point. I don´t care.

I´m tired of living in a place where NOT being a government employee means having to work 12-14 hours a day to make a decent living, and then you dont have any time to enjoy your new found living. I´m tired of HAVING to own a car if I want to maintain my lifestyle - I can´t count on effective or even cheap transportation. If I have at less than an hour to get anywhere, I can´t count on public transportation. I could, but then I´d have to either work less or sleep less. Both essential. 

YES, I am so angry!!

I´m angry I can´t change things without making a big mess in everyone´s lives. I´m angry I actually care about other people´s lives. I´m angry they aren´t thinking of mine. 

Is there a way out?

Now you must listen to this song and watch the video...it´s a fantasy, getting on a horse and that´s it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fmaSCvN5YDE&feature=relmfu

I can´t even write logical sensible sentences, taht´s how upset I am right now. What does it take to change?? HOW?? HOW?? What do you do when words are not enough and people are not LISTENING to you?
Logically I would say - you stop depending on words and stop depending on people to make your decisions. Not all people, just that people who are not listening. 
Do not leave this page without having listened to the songs - half of what I´m trying to express is in them!

Calamity Jane, Calaaaamity Jane, calamity Jane, caaaaalamity Jaaaaaane....

sexta-feira, 30 de setembro de 2011

non voglio

Non voglio più i loro piccoli sorrisi, le loro voci, le loro urli, risate, ecc.
Sono stanca dei loro genitori, specialmente, che si sentono così fieri di avere i loro bambini studiando con noi, studiando "l'inglese", come se fossi uno simbolo di status. ODIO questo. ho voglio di vomitare su di loro e dire, guarda, ci sono cose molto più importanti!!! Svegliatevi!

Non voglio più le penne da colorire, le carte per fare le attività, i libri, lo smartboard, i giochi, la pazienza, il planning che si deve fare ogni santa lezione. Non voglio più pensare creativamente, non voglio più essere così dedicata e così preoccupata con loro, la scuola, i genitori.

AAAAAH. Non voglio più questa responsabilità che mi fa urlare dentro di me e mi fa venire voglia di uccidere. grr.

quinta-feira, 29 de setembro de 2011

Agressividade...onde?

Putz grila, so isso que eu digo.

A tal reunião foi, eu me expus mais do que planejei, eu disse tudo, mas no final do dia prevalecem os interesses da escola e no final do dia prevalece o compromisso que fiz.

Limites pessoais, emoções...o que seria isso? Coisas a serem superadas, coisas a serem colocadas de lado. AMADUREÇA mulher, so isso que temos para te dizer.
Nao estou com raiva da chefe ou da escola. Estou com raiva de mim mesma de ter me metido nessa situação pra inicio de conversa. COM A REPETIÇÃO DA MESMA SANTA HISTORIA SEMPRE. Extrapolo meus limites e para sair da situação tenho que ter literalmente um parto ou um surto.

URGH.
RAIVA.
RAIVA.
As expectativas dos outros podem ser piores do que algemas.
Os compromissos implícitos sao piores que contratos assinados.

quarta-feira, 28 de setembro de 2011

Agressividade em baby steps

Esta na hora de falar o que quero e o que nao quero. Esta na hora de assumir isso e finalmente pelamordedeus ser mais coerente comigo mesma.

Estou por aqui de atender as expectativas dos outros como uma doente, sempre me sobrecarregando, sempre me violentando para atender a essas ditas cujas.


Amanha tem reuiniao de coordenacao e quero falar disso tudo, quero falar com clareza - nao quero mais certas coisas. PONTO.
Repeat after me: Nao quero mais ___(fill in the blank)_______. Vou ficar ate vc achar alguem ou ate dezembro, whichever comes first. One more time with feeling - Vou ficar ate voce achar alguem ou ate o final do ano, o que chegar primeiro. 

O que pode acontecer de pior?

Decepcionar? Me perguntarem porque?
- Motivos emocionais - tenho meus limites. Estresse, inseguranca, nao estou pronta, nao me sinto bem. Qual desses motivos lhe satisfaz?

E se pensarem, nossa, que doida histerica instavel e irresponsabel? O que pode acontecer de pior?
Que pensem entao...desde que me escutem.

E se a partir dai me tratarem diferente ou nao gostarem mais de mim?
Nao preciso que gostem de mim para fazer meu trabalho bem...

Mas se ficar muito ruim?
Saio, pronto - para tudo tem solucao e nao eh o ultimo lugar no mundo que me empregaria.

Viu?? No PIOR das PIORES hipoteses, da pra lidar e nada eh o fim do mundo. Pode ser que nem a primeira pior hipotese aconteca, pode ser que a melhor aconteca - que me escutem! Que me respeitem na minha colocacao e eu nao me sinta um lixo por ter que decepcionar e mostrar os meus limites humanos.

'e interessante chegar ao ponto de nao se importar mais com certas coisas. O cansaco, a ansiedade, o mal estar fisico me forcam a nao me importar mais e eh uma sensacao libertadora - a agressividade vem a tona e sente todo o direito de existir e de se colocar. EU TENHO LIMITES DROGAAAA!! Esta na hora de eu memsa respeita-los - so assim os "outros" os respeitarao tambem

Tudo bem ser antissocial as vezes, o mundo gosta de ser antipessoal tambem...we're even.  thank you ez.

domingo, 25 de setembro de 2011

Fooey

Je ne me sens pas bien aujourd'hui. C'est une merde! J'ai deja pleure'...voil'a c'est ma histoire.

J'hais les dimanches, specialment les soirs.

Je voudrais savoir mieux le français, j'aime beaucoup écrire aussi, chaque mot a de l'importance absolute, comme un enigma.
My foot isn't alright, now I've got to do an MRI and possibly physical therapy and drugs...then maybe surgery. i don't want to think that far ahead cuz that just makes me sadder still.

Fantasies, fantasies, some are carribean beach material, others aren't so sunny. Others want to find a way to get help, real help. Others just want me to sleep because I have no idea what I'm talking about.

out.

quarta-feira, 21 de setembro de 2011

My Foot is Scared

My fear is in my foot. It has been hurting and it physically retreats at the thought of someone touching it,
The nerve is in the wrong place and if pressed, will make my foot shoot with electricity. My tendons hurt as well. The more stressed I feel, the more it hurts.

I was able to make an appointment with a doctor, TOMORROW. This is unbelievable. One morning off and look what I've accomplished! Two doctors scheduled, my computer organized and more familiar, bath taken, sleep slept and nice lunch had.

I hope I can let the doctor touch my foot. What a scary thought.

terça-feira, 20 de setembro de 2011

I Was Speaking French


I was speaking French, then I wasn't. Suddenly I lost my breath amidst the rrr's and the eau's. Suddenly my head started spinning, suddenly I got cold and clammy and had to put my head down. Suddenly not even French was enough to keep me going.

Today I broke down at work, it was embarassing but too real to be too embarassing. I mean, whatever, I can't pretend it is what it isn't. It actually didn't start with French, it started before, right before the kids class. I panicked so bad I had to take my meds and then I figure that screwed with my blood pressure. Mixed and brewed with a whole bunch of other factors (moving to Guará, the new apartment and adjustment, my new temporary not so temporary hectic schedule, my psychology course crisis, sleeping too little, Tabita's death, lack of time with family and friends, the dry dry dry weather,  computer problems, personal health problems...what else?)

So I cancelled one class. 
And waited. 
But I couldn't think. I couldn't organize the most basic things in my head. How to plug in my computer in the wall? How to type a lesson? Where to start?? Where to find a place to sit down?
My heart racing, my hands still clammy. I couldn't figure out how to read and how to write and where to begin. So I threw it all into my locker and went downstairs in order to breathe, but all I could do was regress, infantile like, regress more and more, I wanted my mom, I wanted someone to take care of me, I wanted to feel strong, but all I felt was out of control and out of myself. Out of time. It doesn't belong to me anymore and I just couldn't...I just...I needed a break.

So I brokedown and like a broken machine, was sent home. Thank god. I'm grateful for the people who helped me allow myself to go home and just do nothing.

I still feel like crying because tomorrow will be here too soon, but at least I don't have to be up at 6 and I can stay home and DO NOTHING. I'll try my best to become better friends with my new macbook...right now I actually have developed bad feelings for it. :( I feel frustrated and angry at myself cuz it's a freakin expensive and freakin wonderful laptop, but I don't feel comfortable and I feel stupid when I use it. 
I miss just plain ole windows. Maybe I'm not cut out to be a mac person, maybe I haven't evolved that far yet. :P

(when will it rain??)

I don't know where to start tomorrow but fortunately for me, it is not tomorrow. It's a good sign, however, that I am able to write about it now...good sign.

domingo, 18 de setembro de 2011

Non Non Noooon!

Internet at home finally gives me the chance to write in here again.


My little space of sanity. Ironically, I am too tired at the moment, but let's give it a shot.


"non, non, non, je ne veux pas prendre l'air, noon non non non, je ne veux pas boire un verre..


NON NON NON NOOOON...je ne veux pas l'oublier, nooon non non non, je ne veux pas m'en passer


So, NONONONONONON, is what I need to say to a lot of things in my life right now. I need to say no and I'm struggling. With what, you ask? Struggling with the inner conflict of saying no and not being an "agreeable and easy person to deal with" anymore. Scared of not being "nice" anymore. Who am I kidding, of course I'll be nice about it, but I need to say no. I really wonder what would happen if I took it upon myself, this other persona...Of being a trouble maker, of saying the truth, of not smiling and saying "it's fine" all of the time. So many people do it, why can't I?? I'm programmed to be this way, full of little "expectation" antennae,
ready to pick up on any expectation people might have of me. 
So tired of this!
God help me this week, help me actually do something about this and not just sit here and whine about it. Help me act, help me be assertive, help me accept that I am allowed to be a pain, I am allowed to make things more difficult sometimes if that means making it better for me. It' not easy to make it easy for myself. 


Why don't write a book about being a moneyless aristorcrat who travels the world and writes about it? Thought of the day!

quinta-feira, 8 de setembro de 2011

The Fork

Deep metaphysical thinking alert:



I don't understand why I'm working. Other than the money. Other than the traditional, must be able to pay my own bills way.

Really, this is driving me crazy.

WHY do I do what I do? Or better, what for? Is there an ideal here, is there a goal, a personal growth target, a change the world hope, or anything? where do I see myself in 10 years? 5? What about 1?

I don't see anything.

Oh god, I'm am in such a bad mood today!

I hate coming to this fork in the road. I usually don't know what to do when I get here and I get panicky so I just turn around and walk back to where it was a bit safer.

Alas, the fork is there, and in order to move on I must face it some day.

quinta-feira, 1 de setembro de 2011

Tabitha


Tabitha is gone. Shit, shit, shit.
She's gone and all i can do is swear. Really, you would think i could think of something else. But I'm mad. And grieving.

It's the oddest feeling, a little cat that gets into your heart like this.
I can't believe this freakin apartment killed her. The vertiginous 26 floors.

All I can do is believe that as she was falling a cat angel took her from her body and back up to her home and let her say goodbye to us while we slept and told her it was going to be alright. Cat Heaven must be the best place on Earth.

Rest in peace my baby, I'll miss you!!

Catching up...


Aug 29th
 (it actually looks nothing like this)

This new apartment is trippy. Trippy trippy. I am in a new neighborhood, actually, a new “city” and I know nothing about what lies below except how to get here and how to get out of here.
Everything is BRIGHT, there is so much sunlight I can see every single cat hair lying around, unmercifully. This is a plus, the old apartment was like a bat cavern, we had to turn lights on around every corner in the middle of the day to see our way around. Quite depressing like that.
I can see the trains that go by (we have trains in this city, really?), the subway on one of its only routes and the airplanes that come in for landing from far off distant lands. I am constantly reminded about how I am not getting out of here anytime soon. That’s ok, the sunlight softens that realization. :p
I’ve been without internet for the last few days (gasp!). That is one of the strangest thing, because I am actually forced to be here, where I am physically and limited to the “old ways” of communicating and knowing about the world. Until half an hour ago we had no cable (gasp, gasp!) and I’ve read more in these last 2 days in the last month.

I’ve had my first afternoon coffee in my new living room. I guess it is a baptism of sorts.

It’s starting to look like a home, although not mine yet. A start. I actually was dying to have to work today, but for some reason everyone sort of cancelled on me and I have had to deal with my new reality. I am here.

The view from the 26th floor is vertiginous, like living on one of the airplanes that constantly fly by. 

segunda-feira, 22 de agosto de 2011

oh oh ooooh

oh oh oh oh oh ohhhhhhhhh!
hora do desabafo hora do famoso "overwhelmed" rant.
hora de not care at all about punctuation and capital letters and what language coherency might be.
I hate it when the world starts feeling like a threatening place, the feeling crawls up on me so often it sucks
It crawls into me and I crawl into it.

domingo, 21 de agosto de 2011

Funny, Fickle Clocks


Oh what a funny feeling, like the clock ran backwards and my mind morphed into something it used to know.
Oh what a strange feeling.
It used to know- but it knows enough to know that this is not where it's supposed to be anymore. 


Then it does another funny thing, this clock of mine - it runs forward at full speed, sprinting and skipping through the hours, skipping through the days - and my memory fails me when I try to remember what I did this morning or what I have to do in 5 minutes.

It was my birthday yesterday. There you have it, 26. That makes all kinds of clocks lose their handles on their hands. But, happy birthday to me. Thank you god for so many blessings. Thank you, thank you...I'm grateful for feeling proud of myself. 


terça-feira, 16 de agosto de 2011

Early Birds...


What a relief, here at home, feet up in the air, House on tv, cats lounging around.

I get scared easily. In many senses. 
I easily feel threatened, ditto. 

If I start getting too tired, I feel scared. If I don't get enough sleep, I feel terrified.
If I start working too much, I feel scared of being swallowed up by it and never having a life.
If I have a pretty light day, I feel scared the guilt might swallow me up
Then I start getting scared of getting scared, and that's one of the worst parts of it all. 

That's when the Fear takes over and guides my steps even more than it usually does. 
I'm trying to use all this in order to learn what I can deal with and what I don't have to deal with, what I can spare myself from here on. Like I said some post before, limits and boundaries, my own. Money isn't worth everything, that's for sure. I'm exhausted. And it's definitely, positively, absolutely not worth the Fear. Nothing is.

But for now, what a relief. Feet up, cats lounging, a blanket, a pillow. 

domingo, 14 de agosto de 2011

Nervous Hands


Machuquei o dedão da minha mão, mas não sei como e não sei como parar de piorar a situação, pois vira e mexe percebo que estou forçando o mesmo lugar sem querer.
Parece uma espécie de bruxismo deslocado. 
Que nome terrível para algo nada a ver - bruxismo.
Descompensei esse fim de semana, perdi a linha de desequilíbrio equilibrado que vinha seguindo. A segunda parte deu pane e fiquei só com a primeira. Que merda, sinceramente, que merda. Depois de 2 meses, apenas dois meses na nova situação e já sinto comichões que pedem mudança - mudança! 

Como assim, Maya, como assim? 

Sem comentários.

Bem, talvez alguns. Meu dedão, que dor insana. Amanhã vou checar minha visão e tentar achar a causa da minha falta de foco generalizada. Serão meus olhos? 
Sem conclusões, o foco faz falta

sábado, 6 de agosto de 2011

Impasse

Coração acelerado diante de mais um impasse.
parte de mim quer ir na direção que sinto ser mais coerente comigo, a outra parte duvida e questiona então quem sou eu para ditar o que deve ser coerente ou não.

Some words from John Bonne's Meditation

"When one man dies, one chapter is not torn out of the book, but translated into a better language; and every chapter must be so translated; God employs several translators; some pieces are translated by age, some by sickness, some by war, some by justice; but God's hand is in every translation, and his hand shall bind up all our scattered leaves again for that library where every book shall lie open to one another.


No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main. If a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less, as well as if a promontory were, as well as if a manor of thy friend's or of thine own were: any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind, and therefore never send to know for whom the bells tolls; it tolls for thee."