Internet at home finally gives me the chance to write in here again.
My little space of sanity. Ironically, I am too tired at the moment, but let's give it a shot.
"non, non, non, je ne veux pas prendre l'air, noon non non non, je ne veux pas boire un verre..
NON NON NON NOOOON...je ne veux pas l'oublier, nooon non non non, je ne veux pas m'en passer
So, NONONONONONON, is what I need to say to a lot of things in my life right now. I need to say no and I'm struggling. With what, you ask? Struggling with the inner conflict of saying no and not being an "agreeable and easy person to deal with" anymore. Scared of not being "nice" anymore. Who am I kidding, of course I'll be nice about it, but I need to say no. I really wonder what would happen if I took it upon myself, this other persona...Of being a trouble maker, of saying the truth, of not smiling and saying "it's fine" all of the time. So many people do it, why can't I?? I'm programmed to be this way, full of little "expectation" antennae,
ready to pick up on any expectation people might have of me.
So tired of this!
God help me this week, help me actually do something about this and not just sit here and whine about it. Help me act, help me be assertive, help me accept that I am allowed to be a pain, I am allowed to make things more difficult sometimes if that means making it better for me. It' not easy to make it easy for myself.
Why don't write a book about being a moneyless aristorcrat who travels the world and writes about it? Thought of the day!