segunda-feira, 17 de agosto de 2015

Being pregnant is tough. There.

So, week 10 into pregnancy #2. Many things different, many things the same.
First of all, there is nothing very new about the experience, been there, done that, even if each pregnancy is unique, I feel very calm about it, not researching every single development of every single week, or even caring too much about what week I am in, or my tests, or my doctor's appointments. They are details.
And then, many things are the same. The fatigue, the overwhelming feeling that takes over when I realize I am not in control of my body, or that it is reacting in unpredictable ways. The speed of my weight gain terrorizes me, makes me feel ashamed, like I should be doing everything different, or like I just can't get pregnancy right. It really messes with my self-esteem.
I get resentful a lot of the time. Like, why do I have to deal with all of this and everyone else just gets the cute baby to cuddle in the end? And I'M the one who has to see my body morph, vomit, feel sick, stretch, contract, bleed, have mood swings, lose sleep, leak milk, etc. AND listen to endless comments/advice/cautionary tales/opinions/reprimands/what I should do/what I should't do, it is an invasion, a very very culturally accepted invasion. What is it about pregnancy that says "HEY, I AM A PUBLIC BODY NOW, please feel free to comment!" :(
It makes me VERY protective of my own self. Like it's me against the world. I'm trying hard to work with this feeling, so I don't get too hostile or down on myself, but it's tough. Engrained in my cells. I feel like preserving this baby and myself as much as possible, for once it's out in the world, it gets harder and harder to preserve a baby, especially as they grow and make it a point of getting muddled in the world. That is the whole point, after all, and it's great when it happens, but for now, you are deep in my insides and I hold you close as if holding myself close, for that is the nature of the symbiosis that we are.

I hope I can get into a less messy place, but something tells me that pregnancy was never meant to be "clean" or all pink and rosy. But maybe just a little more peace and inner calm?