quinta-feira, 29 de março de 2012

Wounded Animal


Let the rain come down and wash away my tears
Let it fill my soul and drown my fears
Let it shatter the wall for a new sun
A new day has come


Hush, love, i see a light in the dark
it's almost blinding me...

When was the last time I did something for me? Was it 2006, that famous aprile? Could that possibly the last and perchance only time in the last 10 or more years that I've done something truly authentic?
I weep today for all these years, for the me that I've been struggling to have change, to adjust, to do things the way everyone does, or how people expect me to. These "people" don't even really exist. 

I howl in profound anger at what I have done and what people have helped me to do. I am a wild beast of raw rage, a wounded animal confronted with her survival instinct. I'm sorry, but now is no time to be nice. 

sexta-feira, 23 de março de 2012

Silence Please

Me sinto melhor na Animax que na minha casa. Quero estar leeejos da minha casa most of the time. Aquela simbiose com minha mãe também já passou da hora, voltamos ao normal - ou seja, cada uma na sua. Ela com seu cansaço ETERNO, mau-humor, irritação e falta de paciência com quase tudo.Eu quero é ficar longe, mas as vezes ela me quer por perto porque isso a acalma. 
Me pego ressentida (e com muita raiva as vezes) com ela por não me ajudar mais de outras formas a não ser financeiramente, mas também me dou conta que ela não sabe fazer mais por mim e talvez eu nem queira aceitar sua ajuda da forma que ela sabe dar. Então ficam elas por elas. Morar fora ou longe atenuavam esses problemas porque não tinha motivo para tanta culpa, a distância física justificava a distância emocional. Acho até que ela me prefere longe, pois ela me vê melhor e fica aliviada de saber que estou bem.
Esse é um dos principais motivos que me deixam tão agoniada de estar financeiramente dependente, pois fico sentindo tanta culpa diante dela, pois não sei como retribuir do jeito que ela gostaria. Não posso. tenho meus limites. Ter meus próprios compromissos e meu próprio dinheiro, mesmo que pouco, aliviava muito as tensões entre a gente. 
Fazer o que, agora...é respirar profundamente e lembrar que é o melhor que podemos fazer nesse momento. É lembrar que não vai demorar muito para sair de casa e um dia, um dia, as coisas vão voltar ao "normal", mas que agora não é o momento de me cobrar isso. Só vou pirar se continuar com essa cobrança maluca, pois nunca vou conseguir supri-la. 
Estou lembrando de acreditar mais nas minhas reações e vontades. Se a vontade é estar longe da minha mãe, respeite isso e não se force a ficar por perto, nunca dá certo. Se a vontade é ficar quieta, fique. Se é dormir, durma e assim por diante. Já passei por momentos assim que pediram recolhimento e a melhor maneira de vivê-los foi fazendo o que os dias pediam. Não tá com vontade de conversar a respeito, escute. Há sabedoria nisso tudo.
Eu fico com medo de que essas minhas dificuldades com minha mãe me bloqueiem para ser eu mesma mãe para esse bebê. Isso me deixa preocupada e triste as vezes. Estou cansada de me sentir triste!!

terça-feira, 20 de março de 2012

Half the Time, Half the World


Don't wanna talk about my pregnancy with random people at all, not even semi-random people. Not even with myself all that much. There's not much to talk about, really, it's happening, it's progressing, time is passing. I still get the blues half the time, I still get panicky and anxious and restless. I still wonder about the future A LOT, I still feel guilty...but now it's about half the time. Half the time is ok, It's much better than ALL THE TIME. 
I can get it in my head more times than not that I am not a bad person for having quit work, that I am not a bad person for not knowing what my next steps will be after the baby is born. I am not a bad person for not being financially independent. Ok. If I can reduce the panic, half the world gets put back in its place and starts to make sense again. 
The issue isn't the job, the money, the whatever...it's my guilt, it's my anxiety, my feeling like I'm in a totally new and unknown place in my life, at the brink of falling off from everything familiar and safe. It's ok to be scared, this is something that IS scary, this is something that requires major inner and outer adjustments. It's ok to be where I am. 

We saw you today!! You moved and waved and had a beautiful little profile to show us. Perfect hands, perfect nose...You are already cute!!

sábado, 17 de março de 2012

Month 4


The 4th month has fallen upon me full of grace and energy.
It makes me want to cry out of sheer disbelief - seriously God, it's over? You're releasing me from that nightmare that was the beginning of this year?

I can walk again, I can run, I can go to stores, I can eat whatever without feeling octopus tentacles squeeze my insides and release their octopus poison...I can feel HOPE, I can feel JOY, I can just BE...My brain has slowly un-warped itself, it no longer feels tortured. Oh little soul, we have made it through yet another bad patch. We have made it!

Yesterday, as I went to the knitting supply store to buy my new knitting supplies, I was absolutely sure that I had made it on shore after so much swimming. I would have never considered leaving my house to go buy something that would make me try something NEW (like a new knitting pattern), let alone feel JOY about it. Little things like that are the best indicators of my mental health.

I don't always feel pregnant, especially since there isn't that permanent sickness around to remind me. I don't feel pregnant, my tummy is not protruding yet though there is definitely something there, if you know what I mean. I can feel it tight against my womb. Still, it's not enough to constantly remind me. Someimes I have to make a conscious effort to feel  pregnant. My daily activities take my mind off of it and I must confess it is a relief. It's nice to feel there is more to life than just my uterus and hormones.
Then in a few seconds I remember and it's very odd. I have to go through a whole battery of questions, questions about the meaning of all this and what am I doing and how will it be, and that atavic "wait a second, wait one darn second - I'm...PREGNANT??"
However, the shock has worn off, so these questions are more residual than anything. It's the last phase of the acceptance process, I believe. Of digesting as well.
Sometimes I wish I could open up my skin and tissues just to SEE this little being and be sure it's still there. Maybe I made it all up? Maybe it's gone? Then I remember there are ultrasounds that would do the job for me without all the mess, so I'll wait for that. This Tuesday, in 4 days!! I am certain I will be shocked with how big this baby is already and the definite shapes that make up his/her body. I can't wrap my mind around that - especially since it's all somewhere in me, somewhere in my cavities, RIGHT NOW. How on Earth does this happen? Nature is truly amazing.


domingo, 11 de março de 2012

Waxes and Wanes


This pregnancy thing really lasts a while, doesn't it? 
And there are a million moments within this larger moment or waiting for this life to grow and grow. 
I know things are better than last month, for about a week now and I am extremely grateful for that. 
My confidence grows sometimes, expanding and comforting me. Then some nights I have the most awful and gruesome nightmares, like this night, and I wake up wobbly and weepy. 
I dreamt my dad had killed himself in our Clayton house. It was horrible. We went there to clean up the house and to empty it in order o sell it. This is my 3rd dream about this house and about sorting through things in order to clean it out. I'm sure that's significant on many levels. The house I grew up in, as a baby and later on, being revisited and reorganized in my head. My parents, being revisited and "reorganized". I was so angry at my dad in the dream, so shocked at the brutal act and completely stunned that he ever felt that way and we had no idea. 
Then today I wake up and I want to cry and curl up and be taken care of but there's so much guilt somewhere, there's the voices telling me to get up and exercise, then there's my heart the pounds so hard that I can't go anywhere near changing out of my pajamas. 
Then there are moments where I feel like mother Earth herself, serene and powerful, feeling the universe's power pulsing through me.

I feel captive in my own head and web of anxieties right now. All I can do is wait for it to dissolve...

quinta-feira, 8 de março de 2012

Voltando à terra


Um dos sinais que as coisas estão voltando ao normal é quando começo a me incomodar com minha mãe aqui em casa. Vou me sentindo sufocada e prefiro que ela saia ou faça outra coisa em outro lugar da casa.
Por mais infeliz que seja esse fato, eu agradeço pois quer dizer que algo em mim se normalizou e não preciso tanto dela, não estou tão infantil ou regredida.

Outro sinal é dormir de dia sem culpa, tranquilamente. Relaxadamente. Quando gosto da minha cama e meu travesseiro mas sei quando me levantar.

Outro é quando consigo ver tv sem medo dos programas ou das propagandas. Nao estou tao vulnerável.

Ou seja, as coisas fluem mais naturalmente. As vozes cobradoras se aquietaram e se renderam diante do presente.

sexta-feira, 2 de março de 2012

Ilumina esse medo por favor


I don't understand what's happening to me. I know I'm pregnant. I know it's the famous first trimester, but I swear, I don't understand what's going on.

I am exasperated with the lack of good sleep, with the abundance of anxiety, tension and feeling miserable. My body feels like another planet, so far away from me, so taken over by this alien entity that insists on insisting. Crying is the best I can do to handle it all at some points. If I don't cry Lord knows how it would be.

I don't understand what is happening and I don't know if I should keep trying or just give up on that already. I am in another time and space dimension, I don't recognize the world around me as the place I used to live in. Nothing is familiar or comforting. I feel threatened by the most simple things, like lamp posts and clocks. Night scares me because that means soon I will be confronted with my sleeping torture. Day scares me because that means I will be confronted with my daytime torture. I feel tortured almost 24/7. Almost. There are some moments of reprieve, believe it or not. Those are like little gems, or stars -  "put it in your pocket, save it for a rainy day...."
I don't mean to be wallowing or feeling sorry for myself. I write to help myself, not to make it worse.
Pain makes me reconnect with my sense of spirituality. I have been praying so much these days, trying to talk to god, trying to get help, LIGHT.

Ilumine esse medo por favor.
Deus, esotu nos meus limites, em todos os sentidos. Preciso do teu colo, preciso de colo, preciso de conforto, por favor, me ajude.