sábado, 17 de março de 2012

Month 4

The 4th month has fallen upon me full of grace and energy.
It makes me want to cry out of sheer disbelief - seriously God, it's over? You're releasing me from that nightmare that was the beginning of this year?

I can walk again, I can run, I can go to stores, I can eat whatever without feeling octopus tentacles squeeze my insides and release their octopus poison...I can feel HOPE, I can feel JOY, I can just BE...My brain has slowly un-warped itself, it no longer feels tortured. Oh little soul, we have made it through yet another bad patch. We have made it!

Yesterday, as I went to the knitting supply store to buy my new knitting supplies, I was absolutely sure that I had made it on shore after so much swimming. I would have never considered leaving my house to go buy something that would make me try something NEW (like a new knitting pattern), let alone feel JOY about it. Little things like that are the best indicators of my mental health.

I don't always feel pregnant, especially since there isn't that permanent sickness around to remind me. I don't feel pregnant, my tummy is not protruding yet though there is definitely something there, if you know what I mean. I can feel it tight against my womb. Still, it's not enough to constantly remind me. Someimes I have to make a conscious effort to feel  pregnant. My daily activities take my mind off of it and I must confess it is a relief. It's nice to feel there is more to life than just my uterus and hormones.
Then in a few seconds I remember and it's very odd. I have to go through a whole battery of questions, questions about the meaning of all this and what am I doing and how will it be, and that atavic "wait a second, wait one darn second - I'm...PREGNANT??"
However, the shock has worn off, so these questions are more residual than anything. It's the last phase of the acceptance process, I believe. Of digesting as well.
Sometimes I wish I could open up my skin and tissues just to SEE this little being and be sure it's still there. Maybe I made it all up? Maybe it's gone? Then I remember there are ultrasounds that would do the job for me without all the mess, so I'll wait for that. This Tuesday, in 4 days!! I am certain I will be shocked with how big this baby is already and the definite shapes that make up his/her body. I can't wrap my mind around that - especially since it's all somewhere in me, somewhere in my cavities, RIGHT NOW. How on Earth does this happen? Nature is truly amazing.

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