Amazing Things: a moment of altered consciousness

Deus, é tanta coisa para aprender...Lidar com todo esse potencial e toda essa vida em torno a nós é uma que tem me "cutucado" bastante ultimamente. Eis mais um trecho de diário.

March 3rd - Sunday

I discovered that I was way more scared than I believed to be when yesterday, all of a sudden I really STOPPED FEELING SCARED. I felt complete release, I felt life flowing through me in such an instense way... Friday, I found myself in a new situation - Cora and I and no Ez and no Ia and no anybody else. And I saw that it's doable. But I was still scared and exhausted.

Then Saturday came along - I don't know what happened, or how the "click" took place, but somewhere in me I was able to log in to the present and to the one-thing-at-a-time and being completely committed to what was in front of me. It just happened! And it was such a glorious surrender, it felt so right and my heart seemed to pace itself differently. She went down for a nap after lunch and I read a little of Annie Lamott's book about her grandson, so full of spiritual insights - and I took a nap, woke up - Cora STILL asleep - and then I went on Facebook - yes, FB of all places - and had this MOMENT. Reading through the Rede Materna's posts and Debora's replies and another woman's birth story...I felt and enormous wave of energy flow over me - my body was full of goosebumps. Energy as palpable as water, or a giant magnet of sorts...All of my body was vibrating in resonance, humming like my refrigerator.
And there it was - I felt like on a different planet.

Life was before me, so CLEAR, so SIMPLE, so DAMN BEAUTIFUL - i was lightheaded with so much beauty, a bit drunken on it. I took a shower in a state of Grace. Cora woke up and I felt...JOY. REAL joy. The fear was GONE. I looked at her and smiled from my heart, so grateful. It's very hard to describe what this feels like. Being with her was delicious - we went to the park and the feeling lingered, actually, it was intensified and amplified with Nature all around. I kept taking it in like a giant sponge, the energy in me and around me connecting with everybody else's. Sometimes I had to be careful and try to not let it all in at once or else it would be too much. We saw the grass, the ducks, the scouts in their blue uniforms and vibrant activities, people running by. And Cora. And us... It was perfect. i was so immersed in this state that I considered telling Ez what was happening but couldn't bring myself enough OUT of it in order to talk about it. I would ruin the whole surrender aspect of it. And I knew it wouldn't make much sense anyways.
Afternoon melted into night and I was in this fuzzy state - but now it was bothering me, I felt dizzy and weird, i needed some normal mundane life back.
I went to sleep praying and asking for help with this, for it was such a beautiful gift but I was having trouble organizing it in my own body.
Sunday came around and although the sickening light headedness had passed, the fear had not returned to what it was before. I started out only a bit scared - scared Cora wouldn't "let me" get enough sleep, that Ez would be gone too long,that I would be exhausted, etc, etc. But I started surrendering to the day, to each moment and necessity - cleaning, eating, Cora's needs, etc. And it happened again! Cora fell asleep and took a very long nap, about two hours more or less. And rhythm took over and I found myself not fearing her waking up...We went out for lunch and I wasn't afraid she would be exhausting or annoying with her never ending NEEDING something. When I was just THERE with her, for her, she was fine. THere was enough - enough patience, enough calmness, enough energy available.

When my energy is not being sapped away by FEAR - or resentment at Ez or anger, irritation or self pitying or victimization - amazing things happen. 

Hey, arrête la folie. arrête ta folie!

Da ascoltare mentre leggi: 

To listen to while reading:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tGkw1VSUlfo&ob=av2e

Still feeling crazy inside. Feeling crazy angry at a lot of things. 

Arrête ma folie!!

I´m wondering what my next long trip should be. Where to, what to study, what to see, what to photograph...I´m dreaming with my eyes open, dreaming of the next train out of this city.

The more I talk about this the more I realize what a crazy city this city is. I mean, it is MY city, I woke up here - oops, i meant to say I grew up here (freudian slip?), so it will always be MY city and I will only accept criticism from people who actually live here. Like criticizing your family members..you can do it but if someone else does it, get out of the way!

I´m tired of the bubble land of civil servants, where all the prices are adjusted to THEIR possibilities. I´m sick of it being so expensive to live on your own, to pay for gas, to pay for bread. I´m tired of all the status symbols people use around here, ranging all the way to brand of their baby clothes, the gyms, workout clothes, your disney vacations , to the schools these brats go to, to the yogoberries. So healthy, soooo american. I´m tired. Yes. You get the point. I don´t care.

I´m tired of living in a place where NOT being a government employee means having to work 12-14 hours a day to make a decent living, and then you dont have any time to enjoy your new found living. I´m tired of HAVING to own a car if I want to maintain my lifestyle - I can´t count on effective or even cheap transportation. If I have at less than an hour to get anywhere, I can´t count on public transportation. I could, but then I´d have to either work less or sleep less. Both essential. 

YES, I am so angry!!

I´m angry I can´t change things without making a big mess in everyone´s lives. I´m angry I actually care about other people´s lives. I´m angry they aren´t thinking of mine. 

Is there a way out?

Now you must listen to this song and watch the video...it´s a fantasy, getting on a horse and that´s it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fmaSCvN5YDE&feature=relmfu

I can´t even write logical sensible sentences, taht´s how upset I am right now. What does it take to change?? HOW?? HOW?? What do you do when words are not enough and people are not LISTENING to you?

Logically I would say - you stop depending on words and stop depending on people to make your decisions. Not all people, just that people who are not listening. 

Do not leave this page without having listened to the songs - half of what I´m trying to express is in them!

Calamity Jane, Calaaaamity Jane, calamity Jane, caaaaalamity Jaaaaaane....

My Foot is Scared

My fear is in my foot. It has been hurting and it physically retreats at the thought of someone touching it,
The nerve is in the wrong place and if pressed, will make my foot shoot with electricity. My tendons hurt as well. The more stressed I feel, the more it hurts.

I was able to make an appointment with a doctor, TOMORROW. This is unbelievable. One morning off and look what I've accomplished! Two doctors scheduled, my computer organized and more familiar, bath taken, sleep slept and nice lunch had.

I hope I can let the doctor touch my foot. What a scary thought.

Catching up...

Aug 29^th

 (it actually looks nothing like this)

This new apartment is trippy. Trippy trippy. I am in a new neighborhood, actually, a new “city” and I know nothing about what lies below except how to get here and how to get out of here.

Everything is BRIGHT, there is so much sunlight I can see every single cat hair lying around, unmercifully. This is a plus, the old apartment was like a bat cavern, we had to turn lights on around every corner in the middle of the day to see our way around. Quite depressing like that.

I can see the trains that go by (we have trains in this city, really?), the subway on one of its only routes and the airplanes that come in for landing from far off distant lands. I am constantly reminded about how I am not getting out of here anytime soon. That’s ok, the sunlight softens that realization. :p

I’ve been without internet for the last few days (gasp!). That is one of the strangest thing, because I am actually forced to be here, where I am physically and limited to the “old ways” of communicating and knowing about the world. Until half an hour ago we had no cable (gasp, gasp!) and I’ve read more in these last 2 days in the last month.

I’ve had my first afternoon coffee in my new living room. I guess it is a baptism of sorts.

It’s starting to look like a home, although not mine yet. A start. I actually was dying to have to work today, but for some reason everyone sort of cancelled on me and I have had to deal with my new reality. I am here.

The view from the 26^th floor is vertiginous, like living on one of the airplanes that constantly fly by. 

As fotos

Estou organizando todas as fotos da casa.

De 19 e bolinha até 2011...

Todas.

As fotos se espalham pelo chão do quarto e vão se amontoando em épocas...aos poucos vou filtrando-as por ano e por eras e assim vou recriando a minha história.

Quando fomos pro Peru...

O casamento dos meus pais...

Quando viemos para Brasilia

Aqui eu já tinha 8...ou era 9?

Deus me livre, entrando na adolescência...tadinha de mim...

Algumas épocas me causam mais dor que outras, uma dor involuntária, reflexa, tal como o martelo no joelho.

Depois de olhar e organizar vou para a cozinha ferver água e a melancolia toma conta junto com o bittersweet do café. É difícil dar-me conta do que aconteceu, porque fiquei triste "de repente"...um gradual que vira de repente, na verdade.
Então me ilumino e me toco...tem coisas que vibram em mim profundamente, como me ver aos 11 e  ver sem máscaras a ansiedade que eu já sentia, o medo e o isolamento. Vejo no meu rosto e no meu corpo desajeitado a falta que sentia da minha mãe, tremenda falta, mesmo estando do meu lado.

Vejo as fotos de quando meu pai começou a ser visita aqui em casa e para minha surpresa, é justo nessa época que o coelinho, o Bunny, começa a estar presente em toda foto, um talismã, um cobertor de segurança. Engraçado o que não enxergamos a não ser de uma distância. 

Outra épocas me dão calor no coração...ver o começo do casamento dos meus pais, como começou a vida da minha mãe, da minha idade começando a aventura de sua vida. Chegando aos EUA, nem sonhava que se casaria e logo depois chegaria eu.  Alí estou, cheia de vestidos e pezinhos, e logo em seguida a irmã e mais poses e serelepices.
Eu olho pra ela(s) e procuro eu. 
E eu, mãe? Você me levou até aqui, estamos aqui...e agora? 
Minhas fotos serão como daqui uns anos?
Sinto que organizo o passado para abrir espaço para o futuro.

Le français et moi

Un beau jour

Ou était-ce une nuit

On s'assoit sur un banc

On décide de refaire sa vie

Et sous le firmament

On oublie les règles et les acquis

Et tous nos différends

Sont différents

L'automne, encore.


Qu'est-ce que je veux?


Qu'est-ce que je veux?


C'est la première question.


Je sais que je suis plus fort que ce moment de ma vie, de touts les moments...je vivre encore.


Je vais faire une promenade pour réfléchir.


Pendant ce temps...écoutez: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qam1N13ZoIE




à bientôt....

Wednesday-Thursday

It's almost midnight as I write this and will be long after midnight when I finish.

I'm not quite sure I understand what it means to be grown-up.
I know that many of us don't really get it...

Comingo tende a ser "tudo ou nada" - ou vale a pena ou não vale nenhuma pena. Dias mais ou menos são dias terríveis. Sei que cometo esse pecado de extremos. Às vezes um dia terrível é melhor que um dia mais ou menos. Aliás, dias mais ou menos acabam virando terríveis pelo vazio de sentido que me provocam.

Sometimes I look at the pictures on my mural...a collection of several life moments, a lifespan.....and I look at my young mother, at my father...in all these different ages and years gone by and I think: you've left me a hole in my heart. You don't know how big it is, how hard it was to be away from each one. How hard it was to come to terms with the fact that being with one meant losing the other.

Sometimes it scares me to realize it will always be there and I will feel the pressure closing in on it everytime I have to live loss, no matter how small it may be.
Listen to this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WB4dAdPu_lg

So today I wrote a song for you
Cause a day can get so long
And I know its hard to make it through
When you say there's something wrong

So I'm trying to put it right
Cause I want to love you with my heart
All this trying has made me tight
And I don't know even where to start

Maybe that's a start

Cause you know its a simple game
That you play filling up your head with rain
And you know you are hiding from your pain
In the way, in the way you say your name

And I see you
Hiding your face in your hands
Flying so you won't land
You think no one understands
No one understands

So you hunch your shoulders and you shake your head
And your throat is aching but you swear
No one hurts you, nothing could be sad
Anyway you're not here enough to care

And you're so tired you don't sleep at night
As your heart is trying to mend
You keep it quiet but you think you might
Disappear before the end
And it's strange that you cannot find
Any strength to even try
To find a voice to speak your mind
When you do, all you wanna do is cry

Well maybe you should cry

And I see you hiding your face in your hands
Talking bout far-away lands
You think no one understands
Listen to my hands
And all of this life
Moves around you
For all that you claim
You're standing still
You are moving too
You are moving too
You are moving too

I will move you