March 3rd - Sunday
I discovered that I was way more scared than I believed to be when yesterday, all of a sudden I really STOPPED FEELING SCARED. I felt complete release, I felt life flowing through me in such an instense way... Friday, I found myself in a new situation - Cora and I and no Ez and no Ia and no anybody else. And I saw that it's doable. But I was still scared and exhausted.
Then Saturday came along - I don't know what happened, or how the "click" took place, but somewhere in me I was able to log in to the present and to the one-thing-at-a-time and being completely committed to what was in front of me. It just happened! And it was such a glorious surrender, it felt so right and my heart seemed to pace itself differently. She went down for a nap after lunch and I read a little of Annie Lamott's book about her grandson, so full of spiritual insights - and I took a nap, woke up - Cora STILL asleep - and then I went on Facebook - yes, FB of all places - and had this MOMENT. Reading through the Rede Materna's posts and Debora's replies and another woman's birth story...I felt and enormous wave of energy flow over me - my body was full of goosebumps. Energy as palpable as water, or a giant magnet of sorts...All of my body was vibrating in resonance, humming like my refrigerator.
And there it was - I felt like on a different planet.
Life was before me, so CLEAR, so SIMPLE, so DAMN BEAUTIFUL - i was lightheaded with so much beauty, a bit drunken on it. I took a shower in a state of Grace. Cora woke up and I felt...JOY. REAL joy. The fear was GONE. I looked at her and smiled from my heart, so grateful. It's very hard to describe what this feels like. Being with her was delicious - we went to the park and the feeling lingered, actually, it was intensified and amplified with Nature all around. I kept taking it in like a giant sponge, the energy in me and around me connecting with everybody else's. Sometimes I had to be careful and try to not let it all in at once or else it would be too much. We saw the grass, the ducks, the scouts in their blue uniforms and vibrant activities, people running by. And Cora. And us... It was perfect. i was so immersed in this state that I considered telling Ez what was happening but couldn't bring myself enough OUT of it in order to talk about it. I would ruin the whole surrender aspect of it. And I knew it wouldn't make much sense anyways.
Afternoon melted into night and I was in this fuzzy state - but now it was bothering me, I felt dizzy and weird, i needed some normal mundane life back.
I went to sleep praying and asking for help with this, for it was such a beautiful gift but I was having trouble organizing it in my own body.
Sunday came around and although the sickening light headedness had passed, the fear had not returned to what it was before. I started out only a bit scared - scared Cora wouldn't "let me" get enough sleep, that Ez would be gone too long,that I would be exhausted, etc, etc. But I started surrendering to the day, to each moment and necessity - cleaning, eating, Cora's needs, etc. And it happened again! Cora fell asleep and took a very long nap, about two hours more or less. And rhythm took over and I found myself not fearing her waking up...We went out for lunch and I wasn't afraid she would be exhausting or annoying with her never ending NEEDING something. When I was just THERE with her, for her, she was fine. THere was enough - enough patience, enough calmness, enough energy available.
When my energy is not being sapped away by FEAR - or resentment at Ez or anger, irritation or self pitying or victimization - amazing things happen.