7 weeks - Feb 03
you're this size now, apparently
I finally bought this journal for us.
Part of me was resisting, because part of me is still in shock and not really believing any of this. Another part - which has been growing stronger, is really marveled and fascinated by the idea of you. I believe it'll just get stronger.
I hope you realize the honesty where I'm coming from and that is all I can write about.
For starters - saying the actual words is pretty scary.
I'm pregnant. I'm going to be a mom.
How does THAT make any sense?
I have been very nauseous and sick the last two weeks. I'm less scared I think I can say that. Our one billion test results come out on the 9th. It's hard not to feel a bit scared and to contro the one million weird fantasies that all of a sudden pop up - like - what if I have AIDS? What if I got toxoplasmosis from the cats somehow? What if they find our something terrible? Well, we have quite a road to go down, you and I and your dad...and family. In that order of importance! As much as he is your dad, nothing compares to being the pregnant body.
I can't help feeling that as much as I have support ad love - I am going through this irremediably by myself. It's a scary overwhelming feeling to have. I'm interiorizing, I'm an oyster brewing a pearl in my soft pink insides. I feel wary of others who do now instantly understand and accept my moodiness, crankiness, food likes and aversions, my mush brain, my weepiness. I not only feel wary of them, I also want to punch them in their big fat noses.
It's like there is no noise outside myself.