segunda-feira, 30 de abril de 2012

Things I Could Learn from Pipa

I am happier there, and unhappier in the big city, and I never stop to ask myself why (of course, other than  the beautiful paradise-like setting, that is).
So here I am, trying to do just that.

1. No cable TV, no tv show I must follow...just local and familiar Brazilian everyday TV, like during my childhood
2. No internet connection (at least an easy one), so no checking email or Facebook or whatever every 10 minutes, just every 24 to 48 to 72 hours.
3. I read a lot of books and get carried away in their stories, like when I was younger
4. More family time, just hanging around at home, eating, talking, laughing, watching a movie, in the pool, in the hammock, wherever and whatever.
5. I eat and drink more fruit. Lots of fruit fruit fruit and water.
6. I wear little clothes and give in to the heat when it gets the best of me. I swim, I take a shower with the hose, I water the plants, I lie in the shade or in the ocean breeze.
7. We watch the sunset and the lights of the world go down
8. We eat yummy things
9. I sleep at least 10 hours a day
10. I forget about what the outside world might be thinking of me

I wonder...if I copy some of these situations, would it help? Lets try...

quarta-feira, 11 de abril de 2012

2 anos

Para Ez.
Sei que não fizemos nada de muito especial nestas nossas datas...mas estamos em processo de fazer algo bem especial, todo dia.

Não sei se te agradeço o tanto que eu deveria, não sei o tanto que você sabe a diferença que faz te ter presente no meu dia a dia, como parte dos planos, como parte inerente dos planos.
E agora temos mais uma menina para completar a dupla dinâmica, pra virar um trio.
Mais um desafio, mas parece que estava tudo pronto pra ela, devido a naturalidade com que tudo aconteceu.

Eu sei que não sou sempre fácil, que tenho minhas coisas, meus momentos, nossos estranhamentos.
Mas também nunca falta respeito, paciência e a sabedoria de sabermos lidar um dia após o outro. Esse ano de 2012 vem a todo vapor, apesar de ser em tom de espera e paciência pra nutrir essa nova vida - nossa vida juntos, a nova vida que vem agregar, como você queira levar a metáfora.

Que venham as Aguas Claras, as Emilias, Rua Augusta, suco de uva integral, dias de cansaço e saco de cheio dessa cidade, dias de admirar as nuvens dessa cidade e de sonharmos e ensaiarmos os próximos passos...

Do pouquíssimo que eu sinto de certeza na minha vida, sei que você está comigo, sei que está com toda a disposição para tentar, para continuar, para crescer e para sempre ver as coisas com bom ânimo.
E vou precisar muito, disso tudo!! Segure minha mão firme!

Te amo!

Lições da crise

Sinais que a vida segue...ritual do café com leite pela manhã, traduções fluindo, alegria nas pequenas coisas, confiança básica que o dia correrá bem...sair das crises sempre é refrescante e me faz sentir mais humilde e grata pela vida, diante de Deus, diante da força das coisas.

Ontem vimos A bebê de novo. O que minha intuição clamava - menina - se confirmou. Deitada na maca da ecografia lembrei de um sonho muito forte que tive anos atrás, de dar a luz a uma menina que, quando colocada no meu peito, vira pra mim e fala que veio para me ajudar, que veio pra cumprir o plano que a gente tinha feito lá no astral. Foi um sonho muito emocionante...

Pequena, você está que mexe, mexe, mexe!! Muita determinaçao nessas pernas cheia de músculos que querem ser usados na sua plenitude! Quero muito aprender com você. Mas por enquanto fique ai nesse aconchego (assim espero) do mundo uterino, vai se fortalecendo, crescendo, se formando...quando for a nos vemos!

domingo, 8 de abril de 2012

Stepping Stones

This is my moment of the day. After 10pm, tv and house basically to myself and the cozy feeling of another day lived and it the relief or pride that can bring.
Things are getting better. I'm always scared to say that "out loud" because I feel I'm going to jinx the whole thing.

But it does seem to be getting better. Falling into place, you might say.

With this resurrection of translation work I remind myself of the joy and sense of satisfaction this kind of works brings me and make me see a clearer path ahead. If I know where I want to be it's easier to find the stepping stones among the overgrown grass. The overgrown grass doesn't matter, it's even sorta picturesque and quaint.

So we are having a baby Yes, I realize. That feeling of reduction - like my universe is going to limit itself very very fast to a very very minuscule area still exists, but now it's not the only thing I feel. I feel like it's going to expand in different directions, in different ways. I've never had a child before, that has to bring something new to your life, right? The reduction/expansion will happen in a natural way, just like when you're unemployed and suddenly get a don't realize that you're not spending all day in front of the tv when you're satisfied and happy at your new situation. Some analogy like that, it's not perfect yet. Or like, if you think about leaving Brazil, yes, you can cry over the lack of pão de queijo you will suffer, but once you're in that different country you realize, wow, this gelato di nutella is the new best thing in my life!!
In other words, things get replaced and new favorite things surge. Everything makes sense in a context, so what makes sense now, in this context, will quite likely change in a new context.

sexta-feira, 6 de abril de 2012

Letting go continued

I'm not sick anymore, but ever since I don't feel energetic, I feel exhausted for so many things. Like a wall has been erected around me and filters what I can and can't deal with. Zero tolerance. If something gets to be too much, I need to sleep, I need to go away.
Guilt has improved a lot.
Being this tired give no leeway for guilt.
Everything in the universe seems to scream - TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF, period. That's it. Let go.

terça-feira, 3 de abril de 2012


Since as long as I can remember, I thought of pregnancy as the most incredible thing that could happen to someone. I admired pregnant bellies when they walked by, I dreamt (literally) with several pregnant scenarios...and I always thought that when it happened to me, it would be the happiest and most magical thing in the world.

I NEVER, EVER, would have thought that it could be this difficult. 

I never imagined it would change my body in a way that I hardly recognize myself, and I never could have guessed how scary this feeling can get. I never could have known, although I "knew", how body and mind are inseparable and amazingly in sync. I never imagined how much of my identity is based on my self-image and understanding of my body. 
I don't know why it makes me cry so much, why I feel so helpless and small most of the time. But it does. 
Sometimes I "forget" I'm pregnant and then I remember and I cry all over again. And sometimes I remember December, the month "it" happened and cry when I think I could have avoided this, or if only I could go back in time...It kills me to think like this and it makes me feel guilty as hell. 

Another thing that upsets is exactly this lack of enthusiasm for the whole thing. I feel I'm missing out on being able to live a wonderful moment and that I'm making my baby sad as well. I'm starting, STARTING to accept that fine, maybe pregnancy won't in the top 10 moments of my life. I can't force it. It's like part of me is dying and I pray to god that something will take it's place, something better and stronger. I think this is what people have been telling me about when they talk about letting go, and letting it happen.
Delivering oneself.

Being sick today helped me let go and give in to something. Being sick in your soma, being physically too weak or in pain has power to transform your mind. Today I was not anxious, today I could barely care about so many things that had been tormenting me. I had to find a place of isolation and protection, and not caring was the way to do that. I let myself be taken care of, no guilt. I just had to...and I was grateful.