It never really sinks in

It's been a long time since I've written anything in here. Looooo-ong time.
I haven't felt like a big sharer of late. I used to post so many pictures on Facebook and comment so many things about my life, but recently, I've been quieter.

What motivated me to write this time, well, write publicly, for in private I've kept on doing it, is that as I was organizing photographs I finally got printed from May till October, an incredible sadness took over and I decided, ok, this is write-worthy…Let's see where it takes me.
I realized, I guess, that the last year, for as joyful as seeing her grow up has been, has also been wrought in a lot of difficult feelings and tension, and just the plain solitude that accompanies intense growing up.
There is the joy of the baby blossoming, and the grief of me growing - if that makes any sense - the grief of letting go of a part of me, of a way of being that cannot be anymore.

After having Cora, I've heard several pregnant women make reference to the fact that it hasn't sunk in yet that they're having a baby, and I always think (or say), hey, here's a surprise for you - it never really totally sinks in. You think it's all sunken in, but then, wow, ok, the baby is born! And then the first few days and weeks are really curious, because it's like - oh, wait, yes, there's a BABY now, and I'm responsible for everything about it!! I'm no longer pregnant and radiant and having the world wanting to pamper me, I'm tired, exhausted and a bit scared…
That takes a while to sink in…and when you think that's sinking in, there's all this other sequence of events that need to sink in - all the changes that abruptly took place in your life, all the small (or big) changes in that baby you need to adapt to, week after week, then suddenly…you work that out and then my current feeling is:  WOW, I have a little GIRL in the house, where did my baby go?!

What I'm saying, in this confusing post I'm too tired to go back and edit is: it is a lot to deal with!! A lot of personal growth, change, adaptation, grief to process, joys that barely fit in one's heart, pure life coming like a hurricane into all of our lives etc. etc. etc.
etc.
And what I'm saying with that, in order to bring this post full circle, is wow, sometimes writing about it is just plain ole overwhelming and I'd rather sit quiet and watch it all unfurl, and that is why it's been a long time.
Ok. that's it for now. Maybe I'll make more sense later.

Here's my little grown-up baby girl:

A escolha de dormir no chão com Cora

Pra resumir - Eu durmo num colchão no chão ao lado do colchão da minha filha no chão. Não porque gosto de complicar as coisas, exatamente au contraire. E se eu tivesse a chance de refazer minhas escolhas de como viver com um bebê pequeno, em vez de dois colchões separados seria um colchão grandão, um único, onde dormiríamos os três, se assim meu marido quisesse também. 

Quero escrever sobre isso porque quero compartilhar como foram surgindo essas adaptações que cada vez mais parecem me levar um pouco mais longe do que seria convencional ou "normal", sei lá. Tal como foi na gravidez e no parto, aliás. Só não sabia disso antes dela nascer, que existem nuanças de humanização muito além do parto, em cada aspecto da rotina com um bebê, e imagino também, com uma criança. 

Cheguei ao cenário atual aos poucos - no início éramos eu, Cora e um berço. Ela não teve, aparentemente, muitos problemas com o berço. Dormia bastante lá, quando eu conseguia abrir mão de tê-la por perto e deixá-la no berço. Por volta do primeiro mês ela passou a dormir a NOITE INTEIRA lá, 8 horas seguidas fácil. Parecia que não havia mais nada o que pensar, estávamos feitos. Mas, claro, tudo muda e bebês mudam. 

Tranquila no berço

Ela voltou a acordar com frequência para mamar (ou outra coisa) com 4 meses e foi aí que os ajustes começaram. A princípio eu saia da minha cama, zumbí, claro, e me arrastava até o quarto dela, tirava do berço, sentava na poltrona e ficava com ela no peito até ela cair no sono novamente e eu colocá-la de volta. Ok, tranquilo...o jeito é ter paciência mesmo! Mas eu comecei a revirar minha cabeça por ideias de como melhorar nossa vida noturna. Ela estava começando a sentar sozinha e já estava no horizonte aquele tal dia que ela ficaria em pé sozinha no berço e eu tinha que achar uma solução, porque, infelizmente (mas que foi felizmente!!) o berço estava mal juntado, usado e a cola que o segurava não aguentaria os primeiras saculejares dela. Além do mais, a trava de segurança que abaixa e sobe não abaixava nem subia, estava presa. Então calhou que na época que eu estava no dilema do que fazer com o berço, contemplando comprar já uma caminha de criança e colocar o colchão no chão até ela aprender a subir e descer da cama - mas super na dúvida - eu descobri a existência do "quarto montessoriano". Olhei o blog feliz da vida e com sede, pois sabia ter encontrado minha solução! Além de tudo, tinha todo uma fundamentação teórica bonitinha! Mas isso foi só um detalhe, nada do que fiz foi teórico.  

Cora ao lado da sua caminha, antes do meu colchão aparecer na história...

Então com 6 meses adeus berço! Coloquei o colchão dela no canto do quarto em cima de um tapetinho, rodeiei de almofadas e voilà! Ela acordava a noite e a rotina era a mesma, pegava, sentava na poltrona, mamava, colocava de volta. Até que, devagarinho, foi me encostando no colchão dela, primeira sentada encostada na parede e depois detiada, dando de mamar deitada. A dentição começou a pegar por volta dos 8 meses e me via saindo da cama quase de hora em hora para ficar com uma pequena dolorida e com dificuldade de dormir sozinha. Acabava dormindo sentada contra a parede. Quando enchi o saco, peguei um monte de edredon do armário e fiz um colchão improvisado para mim ao lado do dela. FIquei assim talvez uma semana quando me dei conta que seria muito mais humano se eu simplesmente assumisse a situação e comrpasse um colchão de solteiro para que eu não parecesse tanto um cachorrinho dormindo nos meus panos no chão. Então parei na loja, comprei o colchão mais simples que havia e pronto!!! Agora deito do lado dela todas as noites, nem levanto na hora de mamar, sirvo até de barreira natural para ela não rolar no chão e não é incomum acordar de manhã e ver que ela rolou até meu lado e está completamente aconchegada no meu calor. 

Em outras palavras, o que quero dizer - tudo isso para chegar à conclusão de que cama compartilhada realmente era o que eu precisava e gosto. Parei de contar quantas vezes ela acorda - são várias - mas faz parte, não me estresso nem fico esperando a noite em que magicamente ela irá deixar de precisar de mim. Simplesmente aceitei e fiz as pazes com a mudança (talvez) temporária no meu estilo de vida. 

Valeu a pena. E sei que tudo o resto também passa por esse processo - de ser "desplugado" do que o senso comum diz, as práticas comuns dizem, e escutar a MIM MESMA e minha filha, escutar o que NÓS, familia, precisamos e o que faz sentido para nós. Quanto mais escuto isso mais vou destoando e mais me sinto realizada e em paz enquanto mãe - e pra falar a verdade, enquanto pessoa!

About Fear - The 9 Month Journey So Far

I want to register some things about the first months of Cora, about her little baby months before I forget. I already forget. First of all, I remember the FEAR. I felt so much fear with this tiny little creature in my arms, sooooo fragile, so brand-new, so needy, so baby!! And the responsibility scared my very bones. I was so tense and tired and weepy those first few weeks. My body ached, my belly ached from the surgery, my head was in all sorts of places - some dark ones too, because it was all so LONELY, being a mommy. For all the help one can have, it is lonely, for the changes going on in your soul are so indescribable, so far away from everything you used to know...It's like being bitch slapped into maturity. A very harsh awakening, at least for me it was. My body is softer and squishier, but the edges are worn and sharper. That's how I feel. I look at pictures of myself and have no idea who that person is. I've had so little time to feel like ME that I've lost me somewhere along the way. I think this might be a permanent thing and that whenever the time for this comes around again, I will have to reinvent this idea of me. I don't think the old me will be anywhere in sight. This is so very, very adult and abrupt, it's absolutely frightening. It's frightening to come home from the hospital all cut up, puffed up like a balloon, shocked still from the birth experience, not getting anywhere near enough sleep and expected to deal with it enough to care for the little creature. I remember when the fog started to clear, when things started becoming a bit less heavy, and I could smile and enjoy her presence...I was in her room, in our chair and I started feeling the joy of it and it made me want to laugh out loud, because things had been just plain awful until then and I hadn't had the courage to realize it, because that would just be impossible to deal with. Once it felt better I was able to realize what had happened and breathe a biiiiiig sigh of relief that it was showing hopeful signs of getting better. Amen. 

Now she's a big baby - a moving baby, dancing, singing and playful baby. it's SUCH a different roller-coaster ride now, completely different from my drooling spaced out inch-worming baby. I am grateful for that, because as much as it is still all-me consuming, it does get easier and our love affair does get stronger.

Us at the hospital

Me yellow. Me petrified and very much that little baby I hold in my lap.

Us a month ago. Less scared, but still a bit. And it's ok. 

Brewing

Now is time to brew, to set energies in motion. Carefully, lovingly with myself. I scare easily and by now know myself very, very well. Well enough to do this properly and not set myself into flight off a cliff because I'm to scared to see where I'm going.
Ok.
I'm brewing, researching, letting the taste of a new idea settle on my tongue.
It's going to be ok, tell myself. It is.
No matter what those voices say at night, you are not alone. No matter what they try to tell you about your self-worth - they know nothing. NOTHING. Reminds me of, "you know nothing, Jon Snow!" hehe.

Ok, so you know nothing Jon Snow, it IS going to be alright, I am NOT alone, and my life is very damn well worth a lot.

Poetry for the soul

Flush or Faunus

by Elizabeth Barrett Browning

 

You see this dog. It was but yesterday
I mused, forgetful of his presence here,
Till thought on thought drew downward tear on tear;
When from the pillow, where wet-cheeked I lay,
A head as hairy as Faunus, thrust its way
Right sudden against my face,--two golden-clear
Large eyes astonished mine,--a drooping ear
Did flap me on either cheek, to dry the spray!
I started first, as some Arcadian
Amazed by goatly god in twilight grove:
But as my bearded vision closelier ran
My tears off, I knew Flush, and rose above
Surprise and sadness; thanking the true Pan,
Who, by low creatures, leads to heights of love

I love how some people just make little gumdrops out of words. "And they just roll on your tongue - till thought on thought drew downward tear on tear..." All this to talk about the love of a dog, and for a dog. 

I'm really glad I wrote about the first few months after Cora being born, and during pregnancy, because sincerely, I have amnesia. With great intensity comes weird brain problems in my case. I can't register EVERYTHING, I don't have time to sit down and remember and reminisce and remember, replay...etc...so things slip by. So when I go back and read the words from those days, it's amazing. I'm grateful for writing. Writing and words. One is cooking, the other little morsels. 

Updates 8.5 months

Unfortunately journal writing takes too much time and I just find it easier doing it here. There are so many changes, so fast, that I know I'm letting some go by without much notice. One day she doesn't know how to open the kitchen cupboard, the next day she does, and then it's like she always knew how to do it...
Now she claps, "sings" and bounces up and down in a baby dance. She has some sort of memory of where things are int he house, she has a geographical notion of the house as she crawls back and forth, back and forth, aiming for specific rooms and objects.
I don't know what day she began crawling, sometime in May, but I have pictures of it...

And so many other changes...little changes in nuances of her interaction with us, with others..in her sleep..what else? In general, though, the feeling is that we are living the final phases of her babyhood. Soon she'll be a toddler, I can feel it. She's a few steps away from walking, almost balancing on her own two feet. Wow!! I can't believe that we've made it all this way. Everything is so temporary, especially when you have a baby. 

Reflections on family and such

Before I go on about family:

Sometimes (a lot of them, actually) I think this exclusive motherhood business is going to drive me crazy. Or perhaps the exclusive motherhood in a tiny apartment business...that sounds better. I'm tired of sitting between the same four walls, between couch and wall, between bed and wall, between chair and wall. And doing the same things over and over and over and over again.

I know that these things which seem so repetitive do change over time, in a very slow upward spiral direction, and that gives me hope. I have to actively notice these changes, however, or else I have the false belief that nothing ever changes.

My family. I miss my family in an odd way. I never noticed before how much of my identity comes from them. A LOT of it. Now that they are all spread out across the country and continents, I realize their importance. What are we like, as a family? I always presumed we didn't have many "family" characteristics, but we do.

Let's see. First thing I would definitely mention is our low attachment to material things. This is an important value that was passed on to me. We have money, but we don't have expensive things. And when we do, they are not of utter importance and their absence is not significant. We make do with what we have available, whether of great wealth or not. I can make a toy out of a bottle and beans just as easily as with a trendy Fisher-Price gadget.  I think this will be passed on to Cora, for I demonstrate this to her with all of her "things", be them clothes, toys or accessories. No one thing is irreplaceable or priceless.

As a family, we value experiences over material things. Education, there's a strong one. Ever since I can remember I was taught the value of studying and investing in personal betterment.

Oddly enough, we value experience over people, as well. In the sense that we leave each other free to pursue what is best for each one. This comes at a price, but both my parents decided at a young age that this personal independence is more valuable than supposed family union at the price of freedom of thought and ways. This has also trickled down to us daughters and is one of the trickiest matters I have to negotiate all the time in my new family. My in-law family does not live by this motto. Actually, this seems to spear them in the heart and all they hold valuable. I've been feeling like a total witch these last few months because in order to be true to me, many a time (MANY) I have to frustrate them and what they believe to be true. I wish they could realize that I am not a threat - that me having my distance and personal independence does not mean I am trying to destroy family or whatnot. But how do I deal with a family who believes that happiness comes from family that my happiness (and therefore that of their granddaughter) can come from being a little less in herd family mode? How do I deal with this if in order for me to be "happy," I apparently have to make them "unhappy?" Tricky business.

Back to my family.

In the same manner that we are not held by family legions or traditions, we are also not particulary patriotic or have a strong sense of roots. We look forward and beyond frontiers and borders. My sister and I were raised for the world. My mother and father, in their own way, left their small town families behind to live the world. I do not want to give this up, and I believe tha tif I do, all that I know to be me will wither away and suffer. This is one of the strongest things I value and that make me feel especially happy. The world, the traveling, the learning and exploring. I will never be content in just one corner of this big wide world. Luckily, I believe Ez and I have this affinity. Although his drive may not be as clear or strong as mine, he does have it. And that propels us into the future, with common plans and dreams.

Intensity

Does anything else even compare to the intensity of being a parent?
I feel very scared and overwhelmed a lot of the time. Does anything else live up to this? To the rawness of this new human being sculpting itself from you? Who draws upon you for soooo much? And with so much giving comes so much receiving and so much learning and growing, it's crazy crazy crazy how much an adult can change and learn, when we thought we were so set in our ways, so "been there done that", here comes a new chance to see EVERYTHING through a new perspective, as reinterpreted by a little brand new pair of eyes, ears, hands, feet and mouth!
I am almost a mother for as long as I was pregnant, she's about to be 8 months old. It's been one wild trip, y'all.

Difficult Sunday

Today has been a very difficult day. I almost had a throwing up fit because of the nervousness in my stomach. I got so angry, got so frustrated, got so tired and upset and confused and scared. I don't want to keep having this same conversation over and over again with Ez about his parents. I wonder if we can move forward form here. I need to double, triple, quadruple up my patience and wait for time to work its miracles in our minds and souls and in life's happenings. Meanwhile, I keep on praying and working. Praying that Ez can work it out on his side as well, instead of me nagging and nagging and getting upset because I;m the only one who sees that change is necessary. I think the more I complain the more I push him towards his family, as an automatic reaction.
 In the meanwhile, I need to practice acceptance.
I'm so tired of weekends and this eternal tension.
God, I don't know what we need. I trust you do. Amen

Cora updates this week:
1. Tooth started tearing through the gum, you can feel it with your finger and see the red ragged line on her gum. She doesn't seem to be too bothered with it thought, thankfully.
2. She's eating more consistently, sometimes accepting spoon feeding, loving her lunch and dinner (rice, beans, etc...) Breast feeding is much more spaced out during the day. She still feeds 3-4 times at night. But sometimes, by some miracle, it goes down to 2, or even 1. Rarely, but still, it happens.
3. Crawling is still right on the cusp. I still am doubtful if she'll ever do it - I keep hoping she'll be like me and skip crawling all together. She loves to stand up and bounce on her little strong legs.
4. She definitely recognizes her name and also songs that have been played over and over or sung over and over. They soothe her, like at her vaccination, it helped her keep calm. What a great resource to have, music! She already associates her lullaby with sleep, I can tell because when I start singing "Hush little darling don't say a word..." her breathing changes and she calms down much more quickly.

I am still very much a baby

In a good way.
What I mean is:

Here I am, sitting on the floor of a dark room, beside my daughter who has just fallen asleep to the sound of lullabies and the touch of my warm lap...and I lay her down in bed and tuck her in with Bunny, my old Bunny who heard a lot of my tears and kept a lot of my company when I most needed it...
I lay here with him when I feel particularly vulnerable, when I feel like we both need some sheltering form the world.

I worry. I worry I won't be able to shelter her for too much longer, and that breaks my heart. I know that's the deal, I know children aren't ours to shelter forever and so on...but still, it breaks my heart. She's a tiny baby, for christ's sake. I think I should be very well justified in protecting her like a mama LION from annoying family comments and interventions with her. Family scares me more, much more, than any stranger on the street with inconvenient nosing in. At least they are strangers I never have to see again. Family, no. Family I see over and over and over again. Family has power over decisions, over self-image, over ways of doing things.
I hate so many things about how some people treat her, disrespect her. It drives me nuts. Nuts? No, it drives me bloody rabies mad. So when I lay her down with bunny, when I kiss her goodnight over and over again, when I imagine all her owl-angels, I really am seeing me there as well, laying down with her, sheltered down there with her.

She's my best guardian angel.

Talking to Babies and Angels

I wrote this in February of last year, when I was in the wee beginnings of pregnancy - it could almost entirely apply itself yo the present moment. I was talking to the baby in my tummy about my fears and anxieties: 

"I want you to understand how this is not about you, that I love you very much. I want you to understand that I am trying to sort a lot of things out in order to be a better person, a happier person and therefore a happier mom to you. I am dealing with things without the buffering of anxiety meds or even work. My past demons, my present demons, my inner child and her grief, for starters. I am working through my arrogance and my terrible self-esteem. I am working on my life purpose, on what I am here to do and trying to tap into my inner truth, filtering it amidst so many different misleading voices.

I want you to know that I am trying very hard to be a good enough mother for you. I am sorry if the grief reaches you, or the anxiety. I hope you can understand at some level what it’s about and be able to digest it somehow. If not, I pray that God reach down his hand and blow it away like the wind blows away smoke or dandelions. Or that he stroke your newly formed hair for me..."

Amen, amen, amen..

little Cora, I wish all the same things now. 

I've been feeling so scared lately. That fear has returned. Everything is changing so fast, it seems, sometimes I don't know who my baby is anymore. She's just unfolding - SO FAST. My insecurities are mounting, so many unknown factors to deal with. Like her newfound separation anxiety. IOW, she cannot be apart from me, PHYSICALLY apart without breaking down into a real fit. Sometimes someone can distract her enough for the crisis to be averted, but it's difficult. My back hurts a lot from holding her so much. I feel overtouched, over tired, over needed. It's scary, like she's going to be a neverending pit of neediness, but I try to keep in mind it's a phase, she's going through something "scary" for her, understanding and coming to grips with the notion that mommy is a separate person from her, who can move around and who can - gasp! - leave! And the other way around too...she is mobile, she can move around, so she can go astray and get lost. Of course, I'm imagining, trying to imagine what is going on.

I changed her room around, got rid of the crib and made a low bed scenario so she can have more play space in her own room and also the possibility of exploring her surroundings more freely. It hurt my heart to take the crib apart, I did not see that coming. I didn't know the crib represented so much to me, it was weird. It was like I was saying that her baby self is gone now, even thought it's not!! She could've been in the low bed situation since she was born, I'm not doing it because now she's older or more mature...it's only because I found out about this possibility recently. But still, it hurt, and just thinking about it I want to cry again! Go figure. But she adapted well to her new bed and finds it interesting that around her bed is now a whole different universe...her mirror, her toys, the "art" on the walls...mommy in bed with her at times. Oh well. I'll adapt. And then I'll be attached to the low bed, cuz that's how I am, one attachment after another. 

I tried talking to her in her sleep yesterday about my insecurities, to see if it helps with HER insecurities. Who knows, right? Maybe she's catching on to what I'm feeling and that makes her doubly insecure. 

I'm scared sometimes and the pressure mounting on me - scared as in I want desperately to be able to take my anxiety medication - but I don't have it anymore, we are on our own. I'm anxious with Ez's stressful schedule, with my weird in-law family situation that I so not finding a good way to deal...with my ambiguous work situation,  the pain in my body, Cora's intense emotional needs, with her new schedule - especially her eating introduction. I feel it's not going too well, but maybe it's supposed to be a very slow process..how do I know? I don't feel that Ez is my support system when it comes to raising her because I've been making most decisions by myself and that also is scary. That's because I'm the one WITH her all day. 

I'm just bloody tired. I know there is hope, lots of it, actually. I know we'll be fine and get our groove together and that she has so many resources to help her out as well, apart from me. And also that things will continue to change all the time and all is temporary. 

I know God is with us, I know we have our guardian angels, and I talk to them SO MUCH. They are the hand I've been holding on to when I need solace, when I need strength and conforting. When I need to feel mothered as well. 

Amen. Amen. Amen. 

Mamma and her own anxiety issues

Mantra to repeat over and over...

I need to write today more than I need to breathe, and I REALLY need to breathe, so there you have it.
My mind keeps racing on and off and my sight gets fuzzy and I get dizzy and panicky.

When people find out I have a blog, I always say, well, it's not really a blog. Ok, it's public and sometimes I put something out for others to read, but that's not the point of it at all. It's not organized in any way around any theme, I mean, just look and read around and you'll see, completely random and me-logical.

Just like this post.

I wish I knew everything about everything when it comes to making choices for Cora and I. I wish I could be a savvy mom who has read every single finding about vaccination and feels confident about her choices, who understands her choices. Substitute vaccination for just about anything else - television, nutrition, in-laws, etc...
I need to trust, though, I just HAVE TO TRUST... I have to trust HER, that she has her own unique needs and abilities and higher self that will start shining through and making itself clearer - trust in a higher power who is watching out for us, who influence things way out of my control - that the people who made these vaccinations aren't just shitting us around trying to do evil deeds. I have to trust they have good intentions at heart. I mean...I can't read everything about everything and know everything about everything. It's just NOT POSSIBLE. So if I'm making mistakes, I am not the only one responsible. There are pros and cons to ANYTHING, seriously, anything. For example, television. Such a bad rep and combination, babies and television!! But what about the other side, which I never hear about - what about how much it helps me not be so lonely or bored here at home? I mean, there's a limit to how much Facebook or a book or playing with my baby can occupy during a day. Same goes for TV, it's not always what I need, but it helps a lot at crucial moments. So when I start feeling too guilty or anxious or confused - should I have the TV on when I do, in front of her? I remember as well - cut yourself some slack, for pete's sake, your mental health is just as important for HER HEALTH as anything else.

There are no easy answers. Somedays I feel like I'm losing it. Add on to this confusion between family, personal, societal, marital, etc... pressures my sheer exhaustion and the combination is lovely. Scary. Dizzying. And also? I'm making it through! So much stronger and flexible and with all these new abilities and energetic rearrangements. I've got to trust that there will be a time for the dust to settle and for me to be able to look around at this new landscape, when the train wagons will stop shaking and I will be able to see the view along the way. Or something like that...I swear that made sense when I wrote it and thought it.

And there she goes again, crying out in one of her night terror fits. Just breaks my heart and scares me at the same time, because it's taking place in a domain where I can't reach her, where her own anxieties take over.
Over and out.

I am soaking in it...

Today's post is inspired by this talk:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XLtXUiRgUns

I'm feeling particularly tired and sad today. And frustrated. This parenting thing, it seems like you can never win, can you? After a day of feeling proud of myself and seeing fruits of my hard work and decisions, today I felt it all crumbling around me when self-doubt crept in and made me hate this entire world and all this judgment and this loneliness I'm feeling of not knowing who to talk to and who to trust...And also of making decisions based on what I think, which is often times confusing and not that sure, especially when everyone around me seems to question it.

Frick. For example, for such a STUPID example - to pierce or not to pierce her little ears? How can THIS be creating such an annoying problem within the family?
How and what she eats. How and if she breastfeeds. How and when she cries/tantrums. Whether or not she's wearing cologne. (oh my goood!!) How I dress her. What I offer her to play. In what language I speak to her. What school she doesn't even attend yet.

Everything. so. subject. to. such. scrutiny. it. makes. me. dizzy. I'm used to more privacy, to less intense family meddling and sharing. I. am. tired.

Feel like cutting off all my hair and moving to Japan.

Confissões

Confissões: 

1. Tenho a neura de que estou sendo julgada o tempo todo por todos que passam por mim e a Cora. Do tipo - a roupa dela está quente o suficiente? Ela parece menina o suficiente? Eu estou corcunda? E meu cabelo grisalho, por que não pintei? E meu cabelo desidratado? Por que não tratei/cortei? E as unhas? E a barriga, cadê o Pilates? Não tem babá? Tem babá? Trabalha, mas e sua filha? Não trabalha? Mas e sua vida profissional? etc.etc.etc... Que canseira. 

2. Tenho medo de que só serei boa mãe de bebê e não de criança mais velha...e se eu não souber ser mãe dela quando precisar de coisas mais sofisticadas, tipo comida de verdade, tipo uniforme de escola limpo e ensinar como lidar com alguém que ela não gosta? Eu não sei cuidar disso nem para mim mesma!! 

3. Ó sei que tem mais...mas por enquanto é só.  

3 birth dreams

For the record: 

Some months ago...after Cora was born, I dream I was pregnant again and suddenly I realized that I was in labor and the baby was about to come out...I saw her head slipping out and then her entire body, effortlessly, painlessly. I looked at her face and thought she looked like a baby whose name started with L and in the dream I thought of the name Lorena and Livia. I thought that's what she looked like.

Then I dreamt with another birth, I was in a large room with several other women also giving birth.  Joana was there with me, taking care of me and the baby was coming out effortlessly as well. I was lying on my side and could feel the baby making its way down and I remember thinking what a great position that was and how I could trust my body to do the right thing. Joana noticed that her head was coming out and shouted out to call the midwife (Melissa) but the midwife said that we still had time, it was ok, but I looked down and the baby's arms were out as well, so with my own hands I pulled it out, and I discovered it was a boy, and I was surprised and a bit apreheensive, worried that I didn't "know what to do with a boy" and thinking it strange that Cora would have a baby brother. He had curly black hair, and a little smushed up face...

Third dream, last night. I was approaching my due date and my OB was examining me and she did an exam on my belly button region and she said that I would need to have a c-section, because the vein there wasn't pulsing in a certain way. I was really disappointed and sad that I wouldn't be able to have a normal birth. She was also pregnant and was about to give birth as well, so she asked me to schedule my surgery a few days before her own, hers was going to be July 9 or 7th, don't remember too well, so I scheduled mine 2 days before hers. I was very sad remembering what it was like to go in for surgery, the needle in my hand, the feeling of having been opened up...

Livrinho da Cora - ainda em obras

Falta um final e uma capa...mas tá encaminhadinho!!

O Livro de Cora, a Menina Estrelinha

The Book of Cora, the Little Star Girl

(Era uma vez, uma estrelinha que morava lá no céu, bem, bem lá no alto. De lá, ela via a Terra e brincava com outras estrelinhas. E o nome dela era Corinha. )

Once upon a time, there was a little star who lived in the sky, way up high. From where she was, she could see Earth and she played with the other stars. Her name was Corinha. 

Way down below, mommy and daddy wanted to have a little star girl. So they looked up to the sky and chose the brightest little star...It was Cora! They called her, "Come, Cora! Come be a little girl on Earth!" 

And Cora went! In the warm belly, with love and expectation of the entire family, with the encouragement from her star friends and the protection of her angels, she became a little girl. 

Cora was born on the last day of September, with the first rains of Spring and the yellow of the Ipê trees. The full moon went to peek on her to see if she was ok. And she was - very, very well!

Cora grew up, but never forgot where she came from. At night, while she slept, she would go ujp to the sky to visit her friends...and also to have a lot of fun.

Thoughts on motherhood

I am so tired. It's like military discipline this is - the baby caring and constant self-forgetting, self-sacrifying. Or like zen discipline.
I don't know what I need to write about today, just that I do. There are a bunch of random thoughts that have been rumbling around up here in this head of mine...

What has changed for me, being a MOTHER now. (For chrissake, a MOTHER) What a loaded word that is, I'm not sure why. Several things surprise me about how this is playing itself out. Granted, I can only speak from a baby's mother point of view...but still. I am surprised at how natural it comes.
I mean, for such a loaded word, there's not that much too it.
I mean, once you get past the whole constant self-donation thing. That can be much if you struggle against it, or don't release life into that direction. Then it's painful, for there will be resentment and frustration and exhaustion. Struggling energies do that.
I don't even know what "feeling like a mother" is supposed to feel like, I thought there would be some magical mothery feeling that would all of a sudden take over, but not really. I know there is a baby, and I take care of her, and she lives here with us...and we see to it that she is as happy as possible. With the fiercest love possible. Is that being a mother? But then comes the side to this that wrenches my heart and grips at my stomach in fear - she is learning things - FROM US. From our daily example and our daily consistencies or inconsistencies. Am I worthy of this unquestionable imitation at least these first few years? SCARY. Also, I remember what a strong emotional influence my own mother was on me - both positive and negative - and that is another VERY SCARY thought. This power. Do I have the responsibility that should follow?
Then another more comforting thought comes in - the one that reminds me that she (my daughter) is a Being that has been existing way before this little baby self and has stuff to teach US as well... And that we get points for the "striving" part of this endeavor just as much as for the "doing well" parts. Actually, the "striving" is the whole point, or else everything would already be perfect and then there wouldn't be much of a point to any of this, would there? And also, there will be other people in her life to counter whatever negative influence I might have on her emotional life. Argh. What a difficult one to deal with, but good - Thank you God for the other people.

And another great comforting thought - there is no ultimate window of influence...whatever doesn't go so great can always be worked on, improved upon - communication, caring and constant self-analysis can go a long ways. It has for me.

Oh little one, we are in this together for sure. Love you to pieces. And the sheer and shattering dimension of this love makes me have no doubt in my mind that yes, I am a mother.

Pregnancy Diaries 2 - the nausea days

Feb 24 2012

I procrastinate when I decide to write, like it's scary.
I wanted to write all these beautiful thoughtful things about pregnancy, but I end up writing about how worried, scared or sick I am. We are 10 weeks along now, can you believe that?

Feb 25

Conversar com a Naty, para variar, me confortou bastante. Ela me ajudou a dar sentido a esse processo todo pelo qual estou passando. É uma transformação - uma desestruturação de self para adotar um novo , deixando para trás meu self social anterior. O tempo - passado, presente e futuro - condensados no meu corpo. Todas minhas vivências, feridas, medos, angústias, todos à flor da pele, acessíveis, sem escamoteios Não estou doida, não é fraqueza, frescura, etc...É necessário para poder ser mãe, disponível para outro ser sem tantas feridas que preciso cuidar em im. Então é ter mais paciência, ainda mais, be forgiving! Tenho várias feridas, várias "crianças" em mim que querem se curar.
Vamos começar pela primeira - a que nasceu de um parto demorado e arriscado (de acordo com minha mãe)...que nasceu em um contexto de dor e desespero e foi retirada pela cesárea. Comecemos com ela, la petite Maya que sai de sua mãe no susto...Que eu possa pegar ela no coloe  acalmá-la, que aquele medo não é dela, mas de outros..Hush little baby girl, it's ok cuz I'm here. Você é aceita exatamente como você é, do seu tamanho, com seus olhos, com sua fome e perninhas fortes. Amen.

Feb 29

11 weeks!

I can't believe how big you are!!
I don't feel like talking to anyone about how I'm feeling, or the difficult moments. I just want to be quiet. Still. I don't want to hear what other people have to say. It's sometimes very hard to write in here because you remind me of a lot of pain. I just want to lick my wounds till they heal.
Have to keep reminding myself: "I am doing the best I can with the resources I have. i am doing my absolute best."

Remodeling

Hey there. Me. Yes, me.
Tá na hora de se focar, de tentar pelo menos. As energias puxam para a dispersão e eu quero foco. A cabeça está no ar, na tontura, eu quero chão. Terra. Conexão com o que está na minha frente.

Estão tentando me puxar para uma conexão para além do que está na minha frente? Será que o aprendizado é esse? Poder doar minhas energias a duas dimensões ao mesmo tempo? Isso seria um feito e tanto.

Mas é assim, vida, energias, ou quem quer que esteja me puxando para lá:
Cora. É prioridade. Cora e eu, por extensão. Cora, eu e Ez, idem.
Esse é o triangulo fechado e qualquer coisa que tente se adentrar e cortar qualquer lado desse triângulo não é bem-vindo. Se puder ser de forma mais harmoniosa, agradeço e juro que tentarei colaborar.

Ouviu? Ok. Amen. Obrigada. Tchau.

Amazing Things: a moment of altered consciousness

Deus, é tanta coisa para aprender...Lidar com todo esse potencial e toda essa vida em torno a nós é uma que tem me "cutucado" bastante ultimamente. Eis mais um trecho de diário.

March 3rd - Sunday

I discovered that I was way more scared than I believed to be when yesterday, all of a sudden I really STOPPED FEELING SCARED. I felt complete release, I felt life flowing through me in such an instense way... Friday, I found myself in a new situation - Cora and I and no Ez and no Ia and no anybody else. And I saw that it's doable. But I was still scared and exhausted.

Then Saturday came along - I don't know what happened, or how the "click" took place, but somewhere in me I was able to log in to the present and to the one-thing-at-a-time and being completely committed to what was in front of me. It just happened! And it was such a glorious surrender, it felt so right and my heart seemed to pace itself differently. She went down for a nap after lunch and I read a little of Annie Lamott's book about her grandson, so full of spiritual insights - and I took a nap, woke up - Cora STILL asleep - and then I went on Facebook - yes, FB of all places - and had this MOMENT. Reading through the Rede Materna's posts and Debora's replies and another woman's birth story...I felt and enormous wave of energy flow over me - my body was full of goosebumps. Energy as palpable as water, or a giant magnet of sorts...All of my body was vibrating in resonance, humming like my refrigerator.
And there it was - I felt like on a different planet.

Life was before me, so CLEAR, so SIMPLE, so DAMN BEAUTIFUL - i was lightheaded with so much beauty, a bit drunken on it. I took a shower in a state of Grace. Cora woke up and I felt...JOY. REAL joy. The fear was GONE. I looked at her and smiled from my heart, so grateful. It's very hard to describe what this feels like. Being with her was delicious - we went to the park and the feeling lingered, actually, it was intensified and amplified with Nature all around. I kept taking it in like a giant sponge, the energy in me and around me connecting with everybody else's. Sometimes I had to be careful and try to not let it all in at once or else it would be too much. We saw the grass, the ducks, the scouts in their blue uniforms and vibrant activities, people running by. And Cora. And us... It was perfect. i was so immersed in this state that I considered telling Ez what was happening but couldn't bring myself enough OUT of it in order to talk about it. I would ruin the whole surrender aspect of it. And I knew it wouldn't make much sense anyways.
Afternoon melted into night and I was in this fuzzy state - but now it was bothering me, I felt dizzy and weird, i needed some normal mundane life back.
I went to sleep praying and asking for help with this, for it was such a beautiful gift but I was having trouble organizing it in my own body.
Sunday came around and although the sickening light headedness had passed, the fear had not returned to what it was before. I started out only a bit scared - scared Cora wouldn't "let me" get enough sleep, that Ez would be gone too long,that I would be exhausted, etc, etc. But I started surrendering to the day, to each moment and necessity - cleaning, eating, Cora's needs, etc. And it happened again! Cora fell asleep and took a very long nap, about two hours more or less. And rhythm took over and I found myself not fearing her waking up...We went out for lunch and I wasn't afraid she would be exhausting or annoying with her never ending NEEDING something. When I was just THERE with her, for her, she was fine. THere was enough - enough patience, enough calmness, enough energy available.

When my energy is not being sapped away by FEAR - or resentment at Ez or anger, irritation or self pitying or victimization - amazing things happen. 

Cora Bo Bora

Feb 25
Cora, what to say? She's evolving in leaps and bounds. Not yet literally, thank god. But it seems like she had her first big "waking up" day around 3 months and since her fourth month she's been having another one - with the sitting and using two hands at once, anticipating things from us, sly smiles, big open smiles. She seems to be in a hurry to master things -she went from holding objects, reaching for them to discovering her feet, sucking on them and sitting and rolling and vocalizing in ONE MONTH. And now she seems to look around her and think - ok, this is old, what else does the world have for me? What else can this little body do?

"When she plays, she strikes somebody blind"

All of a sudden and every couple of weeks or so things SHIFT around here and change and she changes and our routine changes slightly and I fell different, more at ease in these new mommy shoes. I feel more comfortable with her and she with her days. We know each other now. She knows I'm there (or here) no matter what, even if I don't come right away. I feel she's a trusting baby - trusting in life and such. Thank god! Let's keep it up.

The Pregnancy Diaries - 7 weeks

Here is a series made up of excerpts from my journal all through my pregnancy. Thought it was time to get it all organized and share perhaps.


7 weeks - Feb 03

you're this size now, apparently

I finally bought this journal for us.
Part of me was resisting, because part of me is still in shock and not really believing any of this. Another part - which has been growing stronger, is really marveled and fascinated by the idea of you. I believe it'll just get stronger.
I hope you realize the honesty where I'm coming from and that is all I can write about.
For starters - saying the actual words is pretty scary.

I'm pregnant. I'm going to be a mom.

How does THAT make any sense?

I have been very nauseous and sick the last two weeks. I'm less scared I think I can say that. Our one billion test results come out on the 9th. It's hard not to feel a bit scared and to contro the one million weird fantasies that all of a sudden pop up - like - what if I have AIDS? What if I got toxoplasmosis from the cats somehow? What if they find our something terrible? Well, we have quite a road to go down, you and I and your dad...and family. In that order of importance! As much as he is your dad, nothing compares to being the pregnant body.

I can't help feeling that as much as I have support ad love - I am going through this irremediably by myself. It's a scary overwhelming feeling to have. I'm interiorizing, I'm an oyster brewing a pearl in my soft pink insides. I feel wary of others who do now instantly understand and accept my moodiness, crankiness, food likes and aversions, my mush brain, my weepiness. I not only feel wary of them, I also want to punch them in their big fat noses.

It's like there is no noise outside myself.

Alone with Cora

Hoje estou "sozinha" com Cora, sem Tia Ia, sem Ezequiel, sem mãe - só nós duas. Eu morro de medo desses momentos, mas estou disposta a encarar hoje como um aprendizado para mim e para ela, para experimentar como é, sem preconceitos e aquele medinho que eu tenho de que ela vai me sugar inteira e vai sobrar nem casquinha de maya no final do dia. Vamos ver como as coisas mudaram agora que ela está com 5 meses. 5 MESES!! What the diabos, como assim? Semana que vem ela está indo para a faculdade, praticamente.

Ela está dormindo no momento e...
Caramba, ela dorme e é tipo - PANICOOOO - uma bomba relógio foi ativada. Preciso fazer o quê? Quero fazer o quê? Dormir? Ler? Passar pano? Louça? Roupa para lavar? Escrever? Televisão? Rápido, rápido, o tempo está se esgotando!! Acabo fazendo nada direito, sempre pensando nas outras opções enquanto faço uma delas. Aí tenho que respirar e lembrar - NADA é vida ou morte. A louça não vai infestar a casa de germes e fedor, o chão pode sobreviver com aquele cabelo lá ou essa poeira aqui. Eu, por outro lado não sobrevivo sem um tempinho para respirar e relaxar. Alongamentos, automassagem, deitar e olhar para o teto, isso é essencial, apesar de me parecer um luxo sem tamanho.

Fico sonhando com situações tão estranhas, o passado na versão do presente. Me explico: situações do passado que antes me assombravam nos sonhos, mas agora com a Corinha presente. Engraçado isso. Ela é uma nova carta na manga do meu inconsciente. Um ingrediente novo nessas minhas questões e acho muito interessante ver como essas figuras interagem nos meus sonhos, se ajustando à presença da nova bebê. Ufa, agora deixa eu ir lá e ver se consigo fazer outra coisa nos minutos que me restam.  

Me, Myself and Cora

Desde que ela nasceu, a presença da família está maciça em cima de nós. Com boas intenções, claro, e dão uma ajuda certamente muito muito valiosa. Me ajudam para caramba. Mas tem horas que preciso dizer CHEGA e me conceder um tempinho só nós duas. Tipo hoje. Ela estava bem agoniadinha ontem e hoje, com dificuldade de dormir por mais de 15 minutos por vez durante o dia. Aí hoje eu tinha um compromisso à tarde que foi cancelado e não contei para ninguém. Decidi ficar sozinha agora com ela, e estou aliviada. Vendo TV, trabalhando e ela desmaiada aqui no sofá, pois dormiu nos meus braços assim que chegamos em casa. 

Só para você ver...ficam com medo de me deixar sozinha porque ela está "difícil", mas temos certa sintonia e nos entendemos às vezes muito melhor quando todo mundo LET US BE. Eu sei que ela me sente 100% e estas "agonias" tem muito a ver com minhas próprias. Eu sinto meu coração gritar NÃO!! Quando alguém sugere que "vai ficar com ela para dar um descanso para a mamãe." Não quero isso! Não preciso me afastar dela para descansar, muito pelo contrário. 

Minha pequena...a mamãe ta tentando aprender a botar os limites e aprender que o jeito dela vale a pena ser defendido, não importa o que os outros possam pensar. 

Feliz quatro meses. Te amo da ponta do pé à sua cabeça cheirosa e macia. 

A gente se entende, né chulipa?