terça-feira, 9 de abril de 2013

Mamma and her own anxiety issues

Mantra to repeat over and over...

I need to write today more than I need to breathe, and I REALLY need to breathe, so there you have it.
My mind keeps racing on and off and my sight gets fuzzy and I get dizzy and panicky.

When people find out I have a blog, I always say, well, it's not really a blog. Ok, it's public and sometimes I put something out for others to read, but that's not the point of it at all. It's not organized in any way around any theme, I mean, just look and read around and you'll see, completely random and me-logical.

Just like this post.

I wish I knew everything about everything when it comes to making choices for Cora and I. I wish I could be a savvy mom who has read every single finding about vaccination and feels confident about her choices, who understands her choices. Substitute vaccination for just about anything else - television, nutrition, in-laws, etc...
I need to trust, though, I just HAVE TO TRUST... I have to trust HER, that she has her own unique needs and abilities and higher self that will start shining through and making itself clearer - trust in a higher power who is watching out for us, who influence things way out of my control - that the people who made these vaccinations aren't just shitting us around trying to do evil deeds. I have to trust they have good intentions at heart. I mean...I can't read everything about everything and know everything about everything. It's just NOT POSSIBLE. So if I'm making mistakes, I am not the only one responsible. There are pros and cons to ANYTHING, seriously, anything. For example, television. Such a bad rep and combination, babies and television!! But what about the other side, which I never hear about - what about how much it helps me not be so lonely or bored here at home? I mean, there's a limit to how much Facebook or a book or playing with my baby can occupy during a day. Same goes for TV, it's not always what I need, but it helps a lot at crucial moments. So when I start feeling too guilty or anxious or confused - should I have the TV on when I do, in front of her? I remember as well - cut yourself some slack, for pete's sake, your mental health is just as important for HER HEALTH as anything else.

There are no easy answers. Somedays I feel like I'm losing it. Add on to this confusion between family, personal, societal, marital, etc... pressures my sheer exhaustion and the combination is lovely. Scary. Dizzying. And also? I'm making it through! So much stronger and flexible and with all these new abilities and energetic rearrangements. I've got to trust that there will be a time for the dust to settle and for me to be able to look around at this new landscape, when the train wagons will stop shaking and I will be able to see the view along the way. Or something like that...I swear that made sense when I wrote it and thought it.

And there she goes again, crying out in one of her night terror fits. Just breaks my heart and scares me at the same time, because it's taking place in a domain where I can't reach her, where her own anxieties take over.
Over and out.

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