domingo, 30 de outubro de 2011

More than welcome

Please be here, with me. Please be here, growing, changing my life. Please feed off of me, please multiply, please change the arch of my back and all other curves. You are more than welcome. 
I pray for you, I pray you make it into our lives soon.

sábado, 29 de outubro de 2011


I started educating myself on the history of rock n roll. I've always been so hopelessly ignorant on all of it I finally felt ashamed enough to do something about it. With the help of one of my students, I now have a basic idea of how it all flows (from The Kinks, Elvis, Ray Charles to progressive to hard rock to punk to grunge to independent...) and have started with the aforementioned The Kinks. I just put a playlist on grooveshark and get acquainted. It's nice.
Then I'll move on to the next of millions of bands that have resulted since the 50's. Quite an endeavor!

On a different note, I am so angry at the world and at myself I am able to see it oh so clearly. I can actually see that the anger I direct at myself, with my semi-suicide or self-harm impulses - they are actually rage at life in general and I don't take them quite so literally. Thank god.

At my job, people are telling me to not take things so seriously and just face it like the job that it is. "It's just a job!" ... .... ...
I realized that's where we diverge in thinking and attitude: this isn't just a job for me.

This is my LIFE we are talking about.

This job will never be "just a job". There is too much at stake. I feel everything with the life and death urgency that it is. I left another job (which was in itself a big leap of faith and a great personal challenge for me) to place all of my tokens on this one and I have no idea what I'm doing, basically, other than wishing and hoping and waiting. When waiting turns into results after some months, I go ballistic, because the results aren't really what I wanted but then again, what did i want? How can I get angry at life if I don't even know what my expectations are?

So I cried yet again - cried cried cried with all of this bubbling about, erupting in one dangerous volcano. I made 10 thousand resolutions and get away plans. Yeah, you really got me, you got me so you don't know what I'm doing, so I can't sleep at night!
And then I woke up. All I feel is tired and sleepy and with some coffee in  my tummy I'm heading out to honor my commitment, like "a well respected man"- cuz his world is built on punctuality, it never fails. And he's so good and he's all so fine...

quinta-feira, 27 de outubro de 2011

List of 10 things

"Make a list of 10 things you want right now (material or not)"
So here goes, as honest as possible

1. I want to sleep at least till 10 o clock tomorrow morning
2. I want to get out of teaching kids
3. I want a passion..the rest will follow
4. I want an iPod again
5. A big fat cookie
6. A different job
7. I want a city with subways, cheap (and efficient) buses sidewalks so that I can sell my car
8. I want to be pregnant (don't ask)
9. I want it to rain so much/some other form of natural disaster tomorrow there will be a blackout and nobody will have class
10. I want my face to stop being a teenage acne face and grow up!


quarta-feira, 26 de outubro de 2011

You're ok, right?

I dreamt with Ms. V.
It's been a while. 
The feeling is still with me and it fills me with wonder.

Tis like so:
I was at EAB, still a student there. I was frustrated because everybody I knew had already graduated and there I was...a senior because of numerous different things that had held me back. 
Ms. V had returned to work as a teacher there, but this time with her husband and her yet to be born child. She was really pregnant and so was I. She talked to me normally, as if we were friends, and counted on me to help her with several things. It was like she admired me. She asked me why I was still there, I told her and she sympathized with me. I was some sort of helper in her art classes because she trusted me and I was older than everyone else. 
I had to keep checking if I was really pregnant, sometimes it seemed to fade away and I couldn't remember if it was real or if it was just me wanting it to be real so that she could connect with me even more. 
Then she waited for me so that we could leave together and she invited me to her place. I felt so happy, but I was calm. Then she told me, as we walked through the front gates of the school, that she had a meeting with some people at the school, like a group of "elders" (except they aren't elders, it's just a group of other teachers or professionals) that she responded to because she had been assigned to take care of me when I was her student more than ten years ago. She told me she was going to meet with them to tell them how I was and she, you're ok, right? It seems like it....I said yes and then went silent, thinking about how to explain to her how I really was. She asked what was the matter and I said I was waiting till we left the school so that I could tell her about it. We got into this weird sled type device she had that was shaped like a caterpillar or cocoon and she told me to get into it, that it was a lot of fun. It was propelled by our bodies and was able to go uphill with no problem. I thought it was amazing and told her she needed to take it back to Canada, it would be very useful. We turned into L2 and then grabbed the next "retorno". I asked her if it was correct, 209/210 and she said yes. 

That's it. 
I can't believe I dreamt with her like this. She's always been a powerful figure in my life - real life (my fantasized teenage version of her) and my dream life (ditto). But in my dream life things have progressed so that we are more like equals than before . Oh I miss her and this possibility we never had, for I was too young and too needy. I miss the art, I miss her sense of humor and the smell of the art room. I miss her initial admiration of my creativity...I miss having the artistic drive and that feeling of liberation when I set myself to draw, paint or photograph. I believed in myself and my vision. 
She believed in my vision, a feeling that is priceless and necessary for a child growing up, which is what I mostly still am. 

terça-feira, 25 de outubro de 2011

In the Dark

rivotril rivotril rivotril rivotril
mac in the dark, the keyboard lights up, like I wish my mind would.

Help me.

Let's take a look back at the last few months or year.

I have an obvious difficulty of maintaining any sort of meaningful activity for any meaningful amount of time. I have quit 2 different courses. And about 4 different jobs over the last 3 years. Quit because of complete lack of interest or energy to invest in it. I stopped caring. 
I have cancelled classes twice in the last month because of emotional issues. I have stopped caring. 

I used to have passions and now, for the life of me, I can't remember what I ever saw in anything, even though I KNOW it is here somewhere, SOMEWHERE. It can't just have disappeared. It can't, can it?

I see a black wall when I try to visualize anything in the future. I feel an oppressive black wall pressing down on me. 
The concentration I need in order to build on any idea or inspiration that comes to me is lacking. I give up in frustration when I can't wrap my head around something. Indecisiveness reigns in such stupid decisions such as what to eat. I have gone hungry many a time because that decision is too difficult for me. It's ridiculous. 

I'm almost giving up on another job, I'm so tired of sustaining my facade of caring, of having to interact with people hour after hour after hour. I'm exhausted of trying to make sense of my ups and downs. Of trying to act when the up is up and just have everything dismantled by the next low. It's exhausting and exasperating. 

I feel so guilty for feeling this way. I feel like I'm letting just about everybody I know down. I feel like all the dreams my parents had for me are being wasted and I don't want to admit to them that I'm going through what I'm going through. It terrifies me that they or anyone should know. But at the same time, oh god, I need help and I need someone to know and to CARE.

sábado, 22 de outubro de 2011

Sétimo Dia

Eis o sétimo dia de viagem. Sete dias; sete vidas.
O sétimo dia traz consigo cansaço e uma sensaçao de calma, pois nao ha mais pressa de se ver tudo e realizar todos os possiveis passeios. Garantimos bom tempo de sol e nao muito calor, só um pouco. Estamos na descida final que nos aproxima ao retorno. Geralmente esta fase é mais silenciosa mesmo.

quarta-feira, 12 de outubro de 2011

Let's See What Happens

My eyesight is turning into mush. Everything is headache provoking, and by everything I mean everything. Screens or real life, it all seems to swirl, even though my doctor okayed me about a month ago.

This holiday was quite refreshing and a much needed boost for me to reach the 15th in more of one piece.

I put it in my head that I want to reach a personal target, a target full of meaning for me:
I want to complete one year working at the same place. The only time this happened was at Animax. This has grounded me, this new target. 
I have a goal – stick it out a year and SEE WHAT HAPPENS. (deep breath)
Simple as that. Just see what happens as you try something never before done. See what happens as you actually grow financially independent, see what happens as you encroach on two years of a serious and stable relationship.

See what changes, see what doesn’t.

From here to there it is a stretch of a leg. I already told you my theory about the end of the year…it’s practically here. November is the real last month, not December. December is just work xmas parties, family xmas parties, friend xmas parties and so on and so forth. Everyone seems to be in a better mood in general, or just less demanding as they realize that they can let go of 2011 and all the results they expected. Let go.
See what happens. I have completed 4 months since I first set foot at my current job, the first trimester is over – maybe the morning sickness is over as well. 

terça-feira, 11 de outubro de 2011

O Objetivo

O objetivo, e devo ter isso bem claro, e' o crescimento. 'E deixar morrer certas coisas.



sábado, 8 de outubro de 2011

Why You Make Me Nervous

Why is my jaw clenched like I've been under interrogation for an entire day relentlessly?
Because that's what it feels like. 
You make me confront everything about me that has not integrated and has not been accepted by me.
You are everything I am afraid of in myself and my past, and you are a living, breathing being right in front of me. 
You are everything I don't understand about my exiled parts, about the parts that hurt, the hurt that never seems to heal. 
It has to do with identity, like several tarot cards turned face up on the table and I am supposed to choose one.
So yes, I love you, you are fascinating to me, but I don't feel at ease. 
You make me realize what I am not or what I AM but cannot be, at least I haven't figured out how. 

quinta-feira, 6 de outubro de 2011

That's Life I Guess

I am absolutely positively driving myself mad.

One moment I love something, the next I hate it.
One moment I feel so proud of myself, the next I feel like crap and incompetent.

I 'm tired of the swinging back and forth!

One moment I'm so calm, the next I'm chewing through my own fingers
One moment focus is my middle name, the next I can't put 2 and 2 together

One moment it seems like the world will crumble under my thunderstorms, then suddenly the most amazing rainbow comes out.
And there you have it.

quarta-feira, 5 de outubro de 2011

Sei nell'anima

Ciao italiano...sei ancora con me, non ti ho dimenticato, ok?
Mi manchi molto, specialmente quando inizio a parlare di te con gli altri, quando comincio a raccontare le mie storie con te, con il tuo paese e i tuoi paesini. Come voglio saltare sul treno e ritornarci!!

Ciao viaggiare, non ti ho dimenticato.
Non ho dimenticato i biglietti, i aeri, la sensazione di aver passato tutta la notte mezzo sveglia mezzo dormita mas CONTENTA e con l'adrenalina nelle vene.

Non vi ho dimenticato!! Sono in un periodo un po strano, un po di pausa, un po di "aspetta maya". Sto rivedendo le mie priorità, quello che credo e quello che posso davvero. Cerco di capire quale sono i limiti che davvero esistono e quelli che ho creato me stessa. 

Cerco di rompere i circoli viziosi in cui mi trovo. ma come tutte i cambiamenti veri, ci vuole pazienza e tempo. Voglio che siano vere, non illusioni per poi ritornare allo stesso posto dove mi trovavo prima. 


sábado, 1 de outubro de 2011


I know. Again.

I just need to process.

Think fast, free associatie...

English - I don'tknow
living abroad, it's not the moment
world crisis, our economy is actually the one working well for a change (well, well enough)

Need more time to implement changes, for more clairt is needed. More clarity. Where when how what.

Psychology beckons, I miss it. I miss it.

There, I said it.
What the hell, right? How many little post do I have here about how I wanted to be very far away from it? I don't get it. But ok, write, free association. I miss thinking like a psychologist, I miss the critical thinking, the analytical thinking about life and ways of life. I miss how everything was relative and human were more human.

I miss studying psychopathology especially, it's something I've always had an attraction to. I miss being with people who actually accept this and understand.

I want to go back and finish my course. I want to find something to write my final thesis about. I want to write. I want to study, reading books and taking notes and underlining passages, making summaries and getting ideas. I've been feeling quite stupid without it.

English is the now. I don't know if it's the future. Help me god. HELP ME. Seriously.

Something is gonna give. I know it is.

Hey, arrête la folie. arrête ta folie!

Da ascoltare mentre leggi: 
To listen to while reading:

Still feeling crazy inside. Feeling crazy angry at a lot of things. 

Arrête ma folie!!

I´m wondering what my next long trip should be. Where to, what to study, what to see, what to photograph...I´m dreaming with my eyes open, dreaming of the next train out of this city.

The more I talk about this the more I realize what a crazy city this city is. I mean, it is MY city, I woke up here - oops, i meant to say I grew up here (freudian slip?), so it will always be MY city and I will only accept criticism from people who actually live here. Like criticizing your family can do it but if someone else does it, get out of the way!

I´m tired of the bubble land of civil servants, where all the prices are adjusted to THEIR possibilities. I´m sick of it being so expensive to live on your own, to pay for gas, to pay for bread. I´m tired of all the status symbols people use around here, ranging all the way to brand of their baby clothes, the gyms, workout clothes, your disney vacations , to the schools these brats go to, to the yogoberries. So healthy, soooo american. I´m tired. Yes. You get the point. I don´t care.

I´m tired of living in a place where NOT being a government employee means having to work 12-14 hours a day to make a decent living, and then you dont have any time to enjoy your new found living. I´m tired of HAVING to own a car if I want to maintain my lifestyle - I can´t count on effective or even cheap transportation. If I have at less than an hour to get anywhere, I can´t count on public transportation. I could, but then I´d have to either work less or sleep less. Both essential. 

YES, I am so angry!!

I´m angry I can´t change things without making a big mess in everyone´s lives. I´m angry I actually care about other people´s lives. I´m angry they aren´t thinking of mine. 

Is there a way out?

Now you must listen to this song and watch the´s a fantasy, getting on a horse and that´s it.

I can´t even write logical sensible sentences, taht´s how upset I am right now. What does it take to change?? HOW?? HOW?? What do you do when words are not enough and people are not LISTENING to you?
Logically I would say - you stop depending on words and stop depending on people to make your decisions. Not all people, just that people who are not listening. 
Do not leave this page without having listened to the songs - half of what I´m trying to express is in them!

Calamity Jane, Calaaaamity Jane, calamity Jane, caaaaalamity Jaaaaaane....