quarta-feira, 26 de outubro de 2011

You're ok, right?

I dreamt with Ms. V.
It's been a while. 
The feeling is still with me and it fills me with wonder.

Tis like so:
I was at EAB, still a student there. I was frustrated because everybody I knew had already graduated and there I was...a senior because of numerous different things that had held me back. 
Ms. V had returned to work as a teacher there, but this time with her husband and her yet to be born child. She was really pregnant and so was I. She talked to me normally, as if we were friends, and counted on me to help her with several things. It was like she admired me. She asked me why I was still there, I told her and she sympathized with me. I was some sort of helper in her art classes because she trusted me and I was older than everyone else. 
I had to keep checking if I was really pregnant, sometimes it seemed to fade away and I couldn't remember if it was real or if it was just me wanting it to be real so that she could connect with me even more. 
Then she waited for me so that we could leave together and she invited me to her place. I felt so happy, but I was calm. Then she told me, as we walked through the front gates of the school, that she had a meeting with some people at the school, like a group of "elders" (except they aren't elders, it's just a group of other teachers or professionals) that she responded to because she had been assigned to take care of me when I was her student more than ten years ago. She told me she was going to meet with them to tell them how I was and she said...so, you're ok, right? It seems like it....I said yes and then went silent, thinking about how to explain to her how I really was. She asked what was the matter and I said I was waiting till we left the school so that I could tell her about it. We got into this weird sled type device she had that was shaped like a caterpillar or cocoon and she told me to get into it, that it was a lot of fun. It was propelled by our bodies and was able to go uphill with no problem. I thought it was amazing and told her she needed to take it back to Canada, it would be very useful. We turned into L2 and then grabbed the next "retorno". I asked her if it was correct, 209/210 and she said yes. 

That's it. 
I can't believe I dreamt with her like this. She's always been a powerful figure in my life - real life (my fantasized teenage version of her) and my dream life (ditto). But in my dream life things have progressed so that we are more like equals than before . Oh I miss her and this possibility we never had, for I was too young and too needy. I miss the art, I miss her sense of humor and the smell of the art room. I miss her initial admiration of my creativity...I miss having the artistic drive and that feeling of liberation when I set myself to draw, paint or photograph. I believed in myself and my vision. 
She believed in my vision, a feeling that is priceless and necessary for a child growing up, which is what I mostly still am. 

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