sábado, 30 de março de 2013

Confissões

Confissões: 

1. Tenho a neura de que estou sendo julgada o tempo todo por todos que passam por mim e a Cora. Do tipo - a roupa dela está quente o suficiente? Ela parece menina o suficiente? Eu estou corcunda? E meu cabelo grisalho, por que não pintei? E meu cabelo desidratado? Por que não tratei/cortei? E as unhas? E a barriga, cadê o Pilates? Não tem babá? Tem babá? Trabalha, mas e sua filha? Não trabalha? Mas e sua vida profissional? etc.etc.etc... Que canseira. 

2. Tenho medo de que só serei boa mãe de bebê e não de criança mais velha...e se eu não souber ser mãe dela quando precisar de coisas mais sofisticadas, tipo comida de verdade, tipo uniforme de escola limpo e ensinar como lidar com alguém que ela não gosta? Eu não sei cuidar disso nem para mim mesma!! 

3. Ó sei que tem mais...mas por enquanto é só.  


3 birth dreams


For the record: 

Some months ago...after Cora was born, I dream I was pregnant again and suddenly I realized that I was in labor and the baby was about to come out...I saw her head slipping out and then her entire body, effortlessly, painlessly. I looked at her face and thought she looked like a baby whose name started with L and in the dream I thought of the name Lorena and Livia. I thought that's what she looked like.

Then I dreamt with another birth, I was in a large room with several other women also giving birth.  Joana was there with me, taking care of me and the baby was coming out effortlessly as well. I was lying on my side and could feel the baby making its way down and I remember thinking what a great position that was and how I could trust my body to do the right thing. Joana noticed that her head was coming out and shouted out to call the midwife (Melissa) but the midwife said that we still had time, it was ok, but I looked down and the baby's arms were out as well, so with my own hands I pulled it out, and I discovered it was a boy, and I was surprised and a bit apreheensive, worried that I didn't "know what to do with a boy" and thinking it strange that Cora would have a baby brother. He had curly black hair, and a little smushed up face...

Third dream, last night. I was approaching my due date and my OB was examining me and she did an exam on my belly button region and she said that I would need to have a c-section, because the vein there wasn't pulsing in a certain way. I was really disappointed and sad that I wouldn't be able to have a normal birth. She was also pregnant and was about to give birth as well, so she asked me to schedule my surgery a few days before her own, hers was going to be July 9 or 7th, don't remember too well, so I scheduled mine 2 days before hers. I was very sad remembering what it was like to go in for surgery, the needle in my hand, the feeling of having been opened up...

quinta-feira, 28 de março de 2013

Livrinho da Cora - ainda em obras

Falta um final e uma capa...mas tá encaminhadinho!!

O Livro de Cora, a Menina Estrelinha
The Book of Cora, the Little Star Girl


(Era uma vez, uma estrelinha que morava lá no céu, bem, bem lá no alto. De lá, ela via a Terra e brincava com outras estrelinhas. E o nome dela era Corinha. )

Once upon a time, there was a little star who lived in the sky, way up high. From where she was, she could see Earth and she played with the other stars. Her name was Corinha. 



Way down below, mommy and daddy wanted to have a little star girl. So they looked up to the sky and chose the brightest little star...It was Cora! They called her, "Come, Cora! Come be a little girl on Earth!" 



And Cora went! In the warm belly, with love and expectation of the entire family, with the encouragement from her star friends and the protection of her angels, she became a little girl. 



Cora was born on the last day of September, with the first rains of Spring and the yellow of the Ipê trees. The full moon went to peek on her to see if she was ok. And she was - very, very well!

Cora grew up, but never forgot where she came from. At night, while she slept, she would go ujp to the sky to visit her friends...and also to have a lot of fun.

sexta-feira, 15 de março de 2013

Thoughts on motherhood

I am so tired. It's like military discipline this is - the baby caring and constant self-forgetting, self-sacrifying. Or like zen discipline.
I don't know what I need to write about today, just that I do. There are a bunch of random thoughts that have been rumbling around up here in this head of mine...



What has changed for me, being a MOTHER now. (For chrissake, a MOTHER) What a loaded word that is, I'm not sure why. Several things surprise me about how this is playing itself out. Granted, I can only speak from a baby's mother point of view...but still. I am surprised at how natural it comes.
I mean, for such a loaded word, there's not that much too it.
I mean, once you get past the whole constant self-donation thing. That can be much if you struggle against it, or don't release life into that direction. Then it's painful, for there will be resentment and frustration and exhaustion. Struggling energies do that.
I don't even know what "feeling like a mother" is supposed to feel like, I thought there would be some magical mothery feeling that would all of a sudden take over, but not really. I know there is a baby, and I take care of her, and she lives here with us...and we see to it that she is as happy as possible. With the fiercest love possible. Is that being a mother? But then comes the side to this that wrenches my heart and grips at my stomach in fear - she is learning things - FROM US. From our daily example and our daily consistencies or inconsistencies. Am I worthy of this unquestionable imitation at least these first few years? SCARY. Also, I remember what a strong emotional influence my own mother was on me - both positive and negative - and that is another VERY SCARY thought. This power. Do I have the responsibility that should follow?
Then another more comforting thought comes in - the one that reminds me that she (my daughter) is a Being that has been existing way before this little baby self and has stuff to teach US as well... And that we get points for the "striving" part of this endeavor just as much as for the "doing well" parts. Actually, the "striving" is the whole point, or else everything would already be perfect and then there wouldn't be much of a point to any of this, would there? And also, there will be other people in her life to counter whatever negative influence I might have on her emotional life. Argh. What a difficult one to deal with, but good - Thank you God for the other people.

And another great comforting thought - there is no ultimate window of influence...whatever doesn't go so great can always be worked on, improved upon - communication, caring and constant self-analysis can go a long ways. It has for me.


Oh little one, we are in this together for sure. Love you to pieces. And the sheer and shattering dimension of this love makes me have no doubt in my mind that yes, I am a mother.

quarta-feira, 13 de março de 2013

Pregnancy Diaries 2 - the nausea days

Feb 24 2012

I procrastinate when I decide to write, like it's scary.
I wanted to write all these beautiful thoughtful things about pregnancy, but I end up writing about how worried, scared or sick I am. We are 10 weeks along now, can you believe that?

Feb 25

Conversar com a Naty, para variar, me confortou bastante. Ela me ajudou a dar sentido a esse processo todo pelo qual estou passando. É uma transformação - uma desestruturação de self para adotar um novo , deixando para trás meu self social anterior. O tempo - passado, presente e futuro - condensados no meu corpo. Todas minhas vivências, feridas, medos, angústias, todos à flor da pele, acessíveis, sem escamoteios Não estou doida, não é fraqueza, frescura, etc...É necessário para poder ser mãe, disponível para outro ser sem tantas feridas que preciso cuidar em im. Então é ter mais paciência, ainda mais, be forgiving! Tenho várias feridas, várias "crianças" em mim que querem se curar.
Vamos começar pela primeira - a que nasceu de um parto demorado e arriscado (de acordo com minha mãe)...que nasceu em um contexto de dor e desespero e foi retirada pela cesárea. Comecemos com ela, la petite Maya que sai de sua mãe no susto...Que eu possa pegar ela no coloe  acalmá-la, que aquele medo não é dela, mas de outros..Hush little baby girl, it's ok cuz I'm here. Você é aceita exatamente como você é, do seu tamanho, com seus olhos, com sua fome e perninhas fortes. Amen.

Feb 29

11 weeks!

I can't believe how big you are!!
I don't feel like talking to anyone about how I'm feeling, or the difficult moments. I just want to be quiet. Still. I don't want to hear what other people have to say. It's sometimes very hard to write in here because you remind me of a lot of pain. I just want to lick my wounds till they heal.
Have to keep reminding myself: "I am doing the best I can with the resources I have. i am doing my absolute best."


domingo, 10 de março de 2013

Remodeling

Hey there. Me. Yes, me.
Tá na hora de se focar, de tentar pelo menos. As energias puxam para a dispersão e eu quero foco. A cabeça está no ar, na tontura, eu quero chão. Terra. Conexão com o que está na minha frente.

Estão tentando me puxar para uma conexão para além do que está na minha frente? Será que o aprendizado é esse? Poder doar minhas energias a duas dimensões ao mesmo tempo? Isso seria um feito e tanto.

Mas é assim, vida, energias, ou quem quer que esteja me puxando para lá:
Cora. É prioridade. Cora e eu, por extensão. Cora, eu e Ez, idem.
Esse é o triangulo fechado e qualquer coisa que tente se adentrar e cortar qualquer lado desse triângulo não é bem-vindo. Se puder ser de forma mais harmoniosa, agradeço e juro que tentarei colaborar.

Ouviu? Ok. Amen. Obrigada. Tchau.

sexta-feira, 8 de março de 2013

Amazing Things: a moment of altered consciousness

Deus, é tanta coisa para aprender...Lidar com todo esse potencial e toda essa vida em torno a nós é uma que tem me "cutucado" bastante ultimamente. Eis mais um trecho de diário.

March 3rd - Sunday



I discovered that I was way more scared than I believed to be when yesterday, all of a sudden I really STOPPED FEELING SCARED. I felt complete release, I felt life flowing through me in such an instense way... Friday, I found myself in a new situation - Cora and I and no Ez and no Ia and no anybody else. And I saw that it's doable. But I was still scared and exhausted.

Then Saturday came along - I don't know what happened, or how the "click" took place, but somewhere in me I was able to log in to the present and to the one-thing-at-a-time and being completely committed to what was in front of me. It just happened! And it was such a glorious surrender, it felt so right and my heart seemed to pace itself differently. She went down for a nap after lunch and I read a little of Annie Lamott's book about her grandson, so full of spiritual insights - and I took a nap, woke up - Cora STILL asleep - and then I went on Facebook - yes, FB of all places - and had this MOMENT. Reading through the Rede Materna's posts and Debora's replies and another woman's birth story...I felt and enormous wave of energy flow over me - my body was full of goosebumps. Energy as palpable as water, or a giant magnet of sorts...All of my body was vibrating in resonance, humming like my refrigerator.
And there it was - I felt like on a different planet.

Life was before me, so CLEAR, so SIMPLE, so DAMN BEAUTIFUL - i was lightheaded with so much beauty, a bit drunken on it. I took a shower in a state of Grace. Cora woke up and I felt...JOY. REAL joy. The fear was GONE. I looked at her and smiled from my heart, so grateful. It's very hard to describe what this feels like. Being with her was delicious - we went to the park and the feeling lingered, actually, it was intensified and amplified with Nature all around. I kept taking it in like a giant sponge, the energy in me and around me connecting with everybody else's. Sometimes I had to be careful and try to not let it all in at once or else it would be too much. We saw the grass, the ducks, the scouts in their blue uniforms and vibrant activities, people running by. And Cora. And us... It was perfect. i was so immersed in this state that I considered telling Ez what was happening but couldn't bring myself enough OUT of it in order to talk about it. I would ruin the whole surrender aspect of it. And I knew it wouldn't make much sense anyways.
Afternoon melted into night and I was in this fuzzy state - but now it was bothering me, I felt dizzy and weird, i needed some normal mundane life back.
I went to sleep praying and asking for help with this, for it was such a beautiful gift but I was having trouble organizing it in my own body.
Sunday came around and although the sickening light headedness had passed, the fear had not returned to what it was before. I started out only a bit scared - scared Cora wouldn't "let me" get enough sleep, that Ez would be gone too long,that I would be exhausted, etc, etc. But I started surrendering to the day, to each moment and necessity - cleaning, eating, Cora's needs, etc. And it happened again! Cora fell asleep and took a very long nap, about two hours more or less. And rhythm took over and I found myself not fearing her waking up...We went out for lunch and I wasn't afraid she would be exhausting or annoying with her never ending NEEDING something. When I was just THERE with her, for her, she was fine. THere was enough - enough patience, enough calmness, enough energy available.

When my energy is not being sapped away by FEAR - or resentment at Ez or anger, irritation or self pitying or victimization - amazing things happen. 


Cora Bo Bora

Feb 25
Cora, what to say? She's evolving in leaps and bounds. Not yet literally, thank god. But it seems like she had her first big "waking up" day around 3 months and since her fourth month she's been having another one - with the sitting and using two hands at once, anticipating things from us, sly smiles, big open smiles. She seems to be in a hurry to master things -she went from holding objects, reaching for them to discovering her feet, sucking on them and sitting and rolling and vocalizing in ONE MONTH. And now she seems to look around her and think - ok, this is old, what else does the world have for me? What else can this little body do?


"When she plays, she strikes somebody blind"


All of a sudden and every couple of weeks or so things SHIFT around here and change and she changes and our routine changes slightly and I fell different, more at ease in these new mommy shoes. I feel more comfortable with her and she with her days. We know each other now. She knows I'm there (or here) no matter what, even if I don't come right away. I feel she's a trusting baby - trusting in life and such. Thank god! Let's keep it up.


quarta-feira, 6 de março de 2013

The Pregnancy Diaries - 7 weeks

Here is a series made up of excerpts from my journal all through my pregnancy. Thought it was time to get it all organized and share perhaps.


7 weeks - Feb 03
you're this size now, apparently


I finally bought this journal for us.
Part of me was resisting, because part of me is still in shock and not really believing any of this. Another part - which has been growing stronger, is really marveled and fascinated by the idea of you. I believe it'll just get stronger.
I hope you realize the honesty where I'm coming from and that is all I can write about.
For starters - saying the actual words is pretty scary.

I'm pregnant. I'm going to be a mom.

How does THAT make any sense?

I have been very nauseous and sick the last two weeks. I'm less scared I think I can say that. Our one billion test results come out on the 9th. It's hard not to feel a bit scared and to contro the one million weird fantasies that all of a sudden pop up - like - what if I have AIDS? What if I got toxoplasmosis from the cats somehow? What if they find our something terrible? Well, we have quite a road to go down, you and I and your dad...and family. In that order of importance! As much as he is your dad, nothing compares to being the pregnant body.

I can't help feeling that as much as I have support ad love - I am going through this irremediably by myself. It's a scary overwhelming feeling to have. I'm interiorizing, I'm an oyster brewing a pearl in my soft pink insides. I feel wary of others who do now instantly understand and accept my moodiness, crankiness, food likes and aversions, my mush brain, my weepiness. I not only feel wary of them, I also want to punch them in their big fat noses.

It's like there is no noise outside myself.

sexta-feira, 1 de março de 2013

Alone with Cora


Hoje estou "sozinha" com Cora, sem Tia Ia, sem Ezequiel, sem mãe - só nós duas. Eu morro de medo desses momentos, mas estou disposta a encarar hoje como um aprendizado para mim e para ela, para experimentar como é, sem preconceitos e aquele medinho que eu tenho de que ela vai me sugar inteira e vai sobrar nem casquinha de maya no final do dia. Vamos ver como as coisas mudaram agora que ela está com 5 meses. 5 MESES!! What the diabos, como assim? Semana que vem ela está indo para a faculdade, praticamente.
Ela está dormindo no momento e...
Caramba, ela dorme e é tipo - PANICOOOO - uma bomba relógio foi ativada. Preciso fazer o quê? Quero fazer o quê? Dormir? Ler? Passar pano? Louça? Roupa para lavar? Escrever? Televisão? Rápido, rápido, o tempo está se esgotando!! Acabo fazendo nada direito, sempre pensando nas outras opções enquanto faço uma delas. Aí tenho que respirar e lembrar - NADA é vida ou morte. A louça não vai infestar a casa de germes e fedor, o chão pode sobreviver com aquele cabelo lá ou essa poeira aqui. Eu, por outro lado não sobrevivo sem um tempinho para respirar e relaxar. Alongamentos, automassagem, deitar e olhar para o teto, isso é essencial, apesar de me parecer um luxo sem tamanho.
Fico sonhando com situações tão estranhas, o passado na versão do presente. Me explico: situações do passado que antes me assombravam nos sonhos, mas agora com a Corinha presente. Engraçado isso. Ela é uma nova carta na manga do meu inconsciente. Um ingrediente novo nessas minhas questões e acho muito interessante ver como essas figuras interagem nos meus sonhos, se ajustando à presença da nova bebê. Ufa, agora deixa eu ir lá e ver se consigo fazer outra coisa nos minutos que me restam.