segunda-feira, 22 de agosto de 2011

oh oh ooooh

oh oh oh oh oh ohhhhhhhhh!
hora do desabafo hora do famoso "overwhelmed" rant.
hora de not care at all about punctuation and capital letters and what language coherency might be.
I hate it when the world starts feeling like a threatening place, the feeling crawls up on me so often it sucks
It crawls into me and I crawl into it.

domingo, 21 de agosto de 2011

Funny, Fickle Clocks


Oh what a funny feeling, like the clock ran backwards and my mind morphed into something it used to know.
Oh what a strange feeling.
It used to know- but it knows enough to know that this is not where it's supposed to be anymore. 


Then it does another funny thing, this clock of mine - it runs forward at full speed, sprinting and skipping through the hours, skipping through the days - and my memory fails me when I try to remember what I did this morning or what I have to do in 5 minutes.

It was my birthday yesterday. There you have it, 26. That makes all kinds of clocks lose their handles on their hands. But, happy birthday to me. Thank you god for so many blessings. Thank you, thank you...I'm grateful for feeling proud of myself. 


terça-feira, 16 de agosto de 2011

Early Birds...


What a relief, here at home, feet up in the air, House on tv, cats lounging around.

I get scared easily. In many senses. 
I easily feel threatened, ditto. 

If I start getting too tired, I feel scared. If I don't get enough sleep, I feel terrified.
If I start working too much, I feel scared of being swallowed up by it and never having a life.
If I have a pretty light day, I feel scared the guilt might swallow me up
Then I start getting scared of getting scared, and that's one of the worst parts of it all. 

That's when the Fear takes over and guides my steps even more than it usually does. 
I'm trying to use all this in order to learn what I can deal with and what I don't have to deal with, what I can spare myself from here on. Like I said some post before, limits and boundaries, my own. Money isn't worth everything, that's for sure. I'm exhausted. And it's definitely, positively, absolutely not worth the Fear. Nothing is.

But for now, what a relief. Feet up, cats lounging, a blanket, a pillow. 

domingo, 14 de agosto de 2011

Nervous Hands


Machuquei o dedão da minha mão, mas não sei como e não sei como parar de piorar a situação, pois vira e mexe percebo que estou forçando o mesmo lugar sem querer.
Parece uma espécie de bruxismo deslocado. 
Que nome terrível para algo nada a ver - bruxismo.
Descompensei esse fim de semana, perdi a linha de desequilíbrio equilibrado que vinha seguindo. A segunda parte deu pane e fiquei só com a primeira. Que merda, sinceramente, que merda. Depois de 2 meses, apenas dois meses na nova situação e já sinto comichões que pedem mudança - mudança! 

Como assim, Maya, como assim? 

Sem comentários.

Bem, talvez alguns. Meu dedão, que dor insana. Amanhã vou checar minha visão e tentar achar a causa da minha falta de foco generalizada. Serão meus olhos? 
Sem conclusões, o foco faz falta

sábado, 6 de agosto de 2011

Impasse

Coração acelerado diante de mais um impasse.
parte de mim quer ir na direção que sinto ser mais coerente comigo, a outra parte duvida e questiona então quem sou eu para ditar o que deve ser coerente ou não.

Some words from John Bonne's Meditation

"When one man dies, one chapter is not torn out of the book, but translated into a better language; and every chapter must be so translated; God employs several translators; some pieces are translated by age, some by sickness, some by war, some by justice; but God's hand is in every translation, and his hand shall bind up all our scattered leaves again for that library where every book shall lie open to one another.


No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main. If a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less, as well as if a promontory were, as well as if a manor of thy friend's or of thine own were: any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind, and therefore never send to know for whom the bells tolls; it tolls for thee." 

terça-feira, 2 de agosto de 2011

Let's Summarize:


Closure can be spelled out in a couple of paragraphs, as it often is.

Closure meant revisiting my past by means of the children I taught.
That made me want to remember, what was my childhood like for my mother? What was I like in school, did I give my teachers a hard time, easy one, was I one of their favorites or was I a mystery? I've had all kinds of students, which one was me?
This in turn, made me remember my loads and loads of pictures sitting around, unvisited. I put my hands and memory to work and organized it all, piecing together my life story, picture by picture. This linked me to my mom's stories, which linked with my dad's story, which explained my sister's a bit better and so on and so forth. My background made more sense.

Then, in a shift of perfect timing or sincronicity, we had a family meeting last weekend, in São Paulo...and I understood where I stand in the whole family tree. I understood my place in the larger picture, way beyond my little 26 years. At the same time, I gradually transitioned into a job which also helped me reclaim my identity.

And that's where we are. A bit more integrated, a bit more ready.

segunda-feira, 1 de agosto de 2011

Moving


So, second semester is kicking in in high gear...and FINALLY FINALLY FINALLY we get to travel! It was worth the wait and the sweat and tears of hard hard work.

Hold your own, know your name and go your own way

We are in pleno processo de mudança!! O apartamento está meio vazio, meio normal. Depende do cômodo.
Depende do humor da minha mãe.
Já estou acostumada com a idéia de não morar mais aqui. Foi uma transição razoável, me deram tempo para digerir a notícia...e se for pra ir amanhã, acho que já desapeguei dos quartos, do cheiro da casa, das lojas aqui perto, enfim..estou aberta para o novo piso e a nova vista da nova janela.

É indescritivelmente estranho estar em casa fazendo nada depois de um mês de horários cheios de 7 e tantas às 22 e tantas...Me sinto meio inútil e desperdiçando tempo...Não sei aproveitar mais! Oh dear! Mas é um bom sinal, sinal que foi bom trabalhar, mesmo com uma carga sobre humana...vai ser melhor ainda com uma carga humana mesmo.