Why You Make Me Nervous

Why is my jaw clenched like I've been under interrogation for an entire day relentlessly?

Because that's what it feels like. 

You make me confront everything about me that has not integrated and has not been accepted by me.

You are everything I am afraid of in myself and my past, and you are a living, breathing being right in front of me. 

You are everything I don't understand about my exiled parts, about the parts that hurt, the hurt that never seems to heal. 

It has to do with identity, like several tarot cards turned face up on the table and I am supposed to choose one.

So yes, I love you, you are fascinating to me, but I don't feel at ease. 

You make me realize what I am not or what I AM but cannot be, at least I haven't figured out how. 

Hey, arrête la folie. arrête ta folie!

Da ascoltare mentre leggi: 

To listen to while reading:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tGkw1VSUlfo&ob=av2e

Still feeling crazy inside. Feeling crazy angry at a lot of things. 

Arrête ma folie!!

I´m wondering what my next long trip should be. Where to, what to study, what to see, what to photograph...I´m dreaming with my eyes open, dreaming of the next train out of this city.

The more I talk about this the more I realize what a crazy city this city is. I mean, it is MY city, I woke up here - oops, i meant to say I grew up here (freudian slip?), so it will always be MY city and I will only accept criticism from people who actually live here. Like criticizing your family members..you can do it but if someone else does it, get out of the way!

I´m tired of the bubble land of civil servants, where all the prices are adjusted to THEIR possibilities. I´m sick of it being so expensive to live on your own, to pay for gas, to pay for bread. I´m tired of all the status symbols people use around here, ranging all the way to brand of their baby clothes, the gyms, workout clothes, your disney vacations , to the schools these brats go to, to the yogoberries. So healthy, soooo american. I´m tired. Yes. You get the point. I don´t care.

I´m tired of living in a place where NOT being a government employee means having to work 12-14 hours a day to make a decent living, and then you dont have any time to enjoy your new found living. I´m tired of HAVING to own a car if I want to maintain my lifestyle - I can´t count on effective or even cheap transportation. If I have at less than an hour to get anywhere, I can´t count on public transportation. I could, but then I´d have to either work less or sleep less. Both essential. 

YES, I am so angry!!

I´m angry I can´t change things without making a big mess in everyone´s lives. I´m angry I actually care about other people´s lives. I´m angry they aren´t thinking of mine. 

Is there a way out?

Now you must listen to this song and watch the video...it´s a fantasy, getting on a horse and that´s it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fmaSCvN5YDE&feature=relmfu

I can´t even write logical sensible sentences, taht´s how upset I am right now. What does it take to change?? HOW?? HOW?? What do you do when words are not enough and people are not LISTENING to you?

Logically I would say - you stop depending on words and stop depending on people to make your decisions. Not all people, just that people who are not listening. 

Do not leave this page without having listened to the songs - half of what I´m trying to express is in them!

Calamity Jane, Calaaaamity Jane, calamity Jane, caaaaalamity Jaaaaaane....

Identity

This nose is in honor of my present state of mind, I feel like one gigantic nose, a sniffiling, running, sprinting nose. Please somebody give me a new one?

So, what's so great about being a language teacher...

Books. You must always be around them and you get to carry them around like faithful companions. I love that feeling.

Writing on the Board. I can't explain the narcissistic pleasure of writing on a board for someone to see, illuminating new worlds of comprehension...ah!

Word nitpicking. You are paid to hang on words and meanings. Literally.

If you're lucky, you work in a place with many different languages and representatives of the entire globe. That contact is amazing and makes me tingle head to toe...especially when I hear the guten tags, the bon jours and buenos días!!

My Brazilian side comes out strongly due to the contrast. I can see myself in some of these people, I see what I am not. I see myself because I see what I'm not and I come into focus.

Give me arroz and feijão, misto quente na padaria and our flexible "punctuality" anyday over a life of bagels and NY coffee places and "actual" punctuality.

I appreciate coming into focus and I appreciate what made me choose this country and this life, even though it hasn't been easy. It wouldn't have been easier in the States, I'm sure of that, because my heart has always belonged here, as much as I couldn't understand why.

I don't care...and it's not that HERE is better than all my coworker's THERE'S, don't read me the wrong way. It's just that it's my here, and it's better for me.

I know this might not make sense to many...How can this be such an issue for this girl? You might be asking yourself, but it is, it has been and has been source of much conflict and strife. Identity, belonging, integration...

This is my winter song for you...

My love a beacon in the night

My words will be your light

To carry you to me...

Month Six

What a month this is turning out to be. 

It is month 6. 

6 of 12.

1/5

0.5

Half of the year, exactly, and I transtion with precision into a different phase.

During all of month 6, I have initiated leaving a job and initiated starting another one. On the same day I gave my 4 weeks' notice and landed a successful job interview. Then initiated both processes. 

Month 7 it will all be complete. 

I almost lost it this week, I started to lose faith in and sight of myself (there's preposition power for you...).

And then miraculously (it always feels miraculous), life shifted back into place, or better yet, life shifted back into a better place. There always is a place, right? Are wormholes space? Hmm...

But I digress.

I've bitten through my bottom lip, a new precious nervous habit I've picked up. It's obsessive to have nervous habits...you begin and suddenly, HOW TO STOP?? 

I can't believe I've found a job and a profession I feel at home with, which makes this city feel like home again. 

It's not a new job, teaching English...but it's changed completely for me. The new school and approach and coworkers...and the experience at Maple Bear has also changed me, for the better. 

During my training week at the English School I kept having flashbacks of my Middle and High School English classes. I loved them so much and during my 5 years at University and intensive Psy training I really missed these classes and this way of looking at the world, through language and the magic of texts, written or read. The attention given to each word, the way they go together, synonyms and similes...

 

In these flashbacks, I remembered Ms. Reynolds, the most influential English teacher I've ever had. She incentivated me to write and recognized my need for this form of expression, and also my ease at it. She nurtured this feeling in me and made it blossom. I wish I could find the letter she wrote me when we parted ways, where she asked me to never stop writing and always keep a journal and free-write every day, for I had material in me for thousands of stories, plays, etc..

She was sweet. 

I always hoped I could get her contact information and tell her how much I remember her and am grateful...As a teacher myself now, I know that would be something she would like to receive.

Ms. R, I hope you get this message out there, somehow...I'll keep looking.

And Who Would That Be?

Night Musings

I want so badly to be me with "no envy, no fear".

Sincerely be me, authentically be me, authentically make my decisios. There is so much crap in between, so much interference coming from different radio signals.

I've been feeling angry and guilty and guily and angry and then depressed and then self-loathing way too often.

What happens when I lose count of the rivotril doses? My eyes are already drooping, I just thought I'd let one last word on this Sunday before giving in and being safe from myself once more.

(Is it really supposed to be this hard? )

Really, who am I? What kind of person am I? What do I believe it to be, at least?

Experience has shown me I am extremely sensitive observant of everything, which makes me a fast learner and very impressionable. Which also means very emotional. I know I have to express all this in some shape or form, it is something that is stronger than me. 

I am an artistic soul at heart. Not political, not intelectual in the more general sense of the word...not academic, not scientific...artistic. Impression and expression are more important for me than...everything.

I have passions in life, I am an not at a lack for that. I am at a lack of a pathway into these passions. Maybe I am blind. 

I feel guilty for feeling like an original in all this, I know most people go through some variation of the theme. But heck, I am here to write about me, so screw that. 

I am a writer, in my own hand with my own pen, I am a writer. I know that, at heart, I could not live without it. I know I love words. I know I could live working with them, reading, studying, writing, translating, etc.

I am not a good people person. I mean, I am, and I'm not. I am when I'm in the mood, the expansive mood. I can make friends easily when I don't have to, especially when I'm on my own and meeting new people. I tend to bring people together, when I'm not trying. It's a curious phenomenon, for here at home, this does not happen. I actually keep away from people and have no intention of being the leader of any crowd or the life of any party. 

Alas, contradictions...notorious. 

I work well with structure, to a certain point. I am responsible, I live up to expectations, I can be counted on...but only for a while, because then I start to be incredibly bothered by this. I hate being counted on, I want the expectations to let me loose and I want the freedom to be someone else other than that. That is the problem with the jobs I take on and inevitably leave. I do not fit in well into pre-fixed molds. I can do it, I'm good at it, but I can't take it for too long. I am far too leonine for that, and when I think about it, I prefer to be a leader or autonomous than to receive people's compliments for a job well done. I prefer to be a leader but then comes a time when I get tired of being responsible for others in such a way.

I'm not saying I know it all and am wonderful, not at all. As I said before, I learn well, I learn fast. I am confident in this position, of a learner and apprentice. But when the learning is done, I ache for moving on. That's where I usually break loose and then have to start all over again (apparently).

Can I live with this? Can this be some sort of start?

g'nite

The Experiment

"Something always brings me back to you, it never takes too long"


Not sure what will come forth tonight.


"Set me free, leave me be, I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am.
And I stand
so tall
just the way I'm supposed to be"


I have a proposition.
An experiment.
I shall write and am forbidden to erase anything, anything at all. So if I change my - there will be a dash - and the writing will continue - but I can't erase. Just spelling mistakes, ok? Is that allowed? I say ok, so there we go.


I chose the star image tonight for its greatness, nothing - It transmits something I want to transmit - that was redundant. Yes, for the greatness it inspired, the deepness of feeling and the bafflement before the size of me compared to the size of THAT. The size of us, all of us. Doesn't life just baffle you?


Sometimes I search for pieces of paper and pens laying around in order to write something down, because it will make things better. For as long as I have known me, I have been writing. When I learned to write, I wrote stories and illustrated storybooks. I always had the urge but it was never really well organized, I didn't finish much of the books, for the ideas rapidly became greater than my ability to write them down. Frustrated, I would abandon the project. I wanted to write like the authors of the books I devoured. I knew it was in me, but I didn't know how to get it out. I still don't, and I still feel it in me. 


I've been considering my bf's remark that maybe I lack some self-discipline in my worry processes. As in, I should get it together and no let myself worry about things that I can't do anything about. True that, I understand the concept. It's just - I'm not obsessing about the color of my dress and my purse, I am petrified, deep down and not so - and also at skin level, aura level, petrified that I am not going to be anything in this life. That my life will resume itself in an endless search of a phantasmagorical goal. I'm scared of never being able to stick it out in anything, of being my worst enemy and not allowing myself to "- no erasing, ok. Not really of being my worst enemy, that's not what I meant. I meant it in the sense that maybe ME, my entire person, is the problem in this kind of world. Maybe there isn't - maybe- it's too scary to write down, even. Scary also because I know someone will read it and will judge it. That's scary as well. 
Do you think Friday will ever get here? 
Do you think July will " " " " "?
I have a good feeling about a translation career. About jobs, about being good enough, about studying it.Part of me is - doesn't want to start because I'm afraid I'll be disappointed again and then the problem will really, really, in reality, be....me!

Petit Post

Mi viene da scrivere stasera come mi viene tante volte, sempre la stessa voglia, sempre presente e sempre pulsante.
L'intensità del mio sguardo a guardare questo spazio vuoto, ora non più.

Cose forte succedono e sono fiera di me, nonostante tutto...nonostante.
Nonostante, mi piace questa parola. Mi piace guardarla, sentirla, scriverla.
Dio, come amo le parole, specificamente queste che scrivo, queste che mi chiamano.

a song about feet

ascoltare mentre leggi: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_HZjC_7CeW4

Waiting for my Real Life to Begin

Colin Hay

Any minute now my ship is coming in
I'll keep checking the horizon
And I'll stand on the bow
And feel the waves come crashing
Come crashing down, down, down on me

And you said,"Be still, my love
Open up your heart
Let the light shine in"
Don't you understand?
I already have a plan
I'm waiting for my real life to begin

When I awoke today suddenly nothing happened
But in my dreams I slew the dragon
And down this beaten path
And up this cobbled lane
I'm walking in my own footsteps once again

And you say,"Just be here now
Forget about the past
Your mask is wearing thin"
Let me throw one more dice
I know that I can win
I'm waiting for my real life to begin

Any minute now my ship is coming in
I'll keep checking the horizon
And I'll check my machine
There's sure to be that call
It's gonna happen soon, soon, oh so very soon
It's just that times are lean

And you say,"Be still, my love
Open up your heart
Let the light shine in"
Don't you understand?
I already have a plan
I'm waiting for my real life to begin

On a clear day
I can see, see for a long way

On a clear day
I can see, see a very long way

Two Poems

I chose two poems for today. Both are dramatic and full of frilly words, but it works for me. Both touch on the forces of nature and therein lies the drama, reflected onto the human soul. The first one is Weather, by Ambrose Pierce, the next is Dream Within a Dream, by Edgar Allen Poe, both classic poets from way back when. I love good poems for they are the expression of the word for its own sake and how beautiful they are put together in different ways...suddenly you come upon a poem and it strikes your "word eye", and for some reason, it is special to you. How is that not amazing??

Weather Once I dipt into the future far as human eye could see, And I saw the Chief Forecaster, dead as any one can be-- Dead and damned and shut in Hades as a liar from his birth, With a record of unreason seldome paralleled on earth. While I looked he reared him solemnly, that incandescent youth, From the coals that he'd preferred to the advantages of truth. He cast his eyes about him and above him; then he wrote On a slab of thin asbestos what I venture here to quote-- For I read it in the rose-light of the everlasting glow: "Cloudy; variable winds, with local showers; cooler; snow." Ambrose Bierce The bits and pieces that are essence for me:  fas as human eye could see the advantages of truth I venture here to quote cloudy;variable winds, with local showers;cooler;snow. A Dream Within A Dream Take this kiss upon the brow! And, in parting from you now, Thus much let me avow- You are not wrong, who deem That my days have been a dream; Yet if hope has flown away In a night, or in a day, In a vision, or in none, Is it therefore the less gone? All that we see or seem Is but a dream within a dream. I stand amid the roar Of a surf-tormented shore, And I hold within my hand Grains of the golden sand- How few! yet how they creep Through my fingers to the deep, While I weep- while I weep! O God! can I not grasp Them with a tighter clasp? O God! can I not save One from the pitiless wave? Is all that we see or seem But a dream within a dream? Edgar Allen Poe Essence for moi: All that we see or seem I stand amid the roar while I weep - while I weep! O God, can I not save them from the pitiless wave? Is all that we see or seem...dream within a dream?

Crocodile songs and others

Never smile at a crocodile

No you can't get friendly with a crocodile

Don't be taken in by his welcome grin

He's imagining how well you'd fit within his skin

Never smile at a crocodile

Never tip your hat and stop to talk a while

Never run, walk away,

Say goodnight not gooday

Clear the aisle and never smile at Mr. crocodile...

Children's songs are taking over my brain!

I have to confess, I'm having so much fun with my new job. It is stressful and it makes me tired as everything, but it's fun. I mean, I spend 6 hours interacting with 2 year-olds who hang on every word I say and love to sing and dance and be silly. Even better, they love it when I sing and dance and am silly. They don't care really what I studied or how I look. They care that I care, and my lord how they need people to care! 

Care=love, support and give structure and limits!

Some clouds cleared this morning. I do so know what I want, I just keep telling myself that what I want isn't sensible enough or isn't possible. Or that it's too scary. That's the real problem, right there. Should I try to change what I want (which I am never successful at?) or work on the fear and the beliefs that make me think my dreams aren't plausible? I'm too lazy right now to go into details so I'll leave y'all with this abstract mysterious thought. 

J'aime les mots

I have discovered this site for French learning and exploring:


http://www.tv5.org/cms/chaine-francophone/lf/p-13128-J-aime-les-mots.htm


Très amusant!

Someone has come up with a site that is what I idealize...An altar to words! words!

Oh no, no, no...

And here I was thinking that Education was about love, encouragement and stimulation.

Oh no, no, no, Ms. Gestalt-Psychologist, there is so much more. 

I had never really considered the political side of it all, and boy, what a shock yesterday, sitting in a meeting talking about, "what character traits do we want to instill in our children, what would the "ideal" child be and how can we work this into the classroom?"

Hein?

The world of Child Education...It is like Bible School, just with different names and objectives. I'm too used to hearing about "helping people become their authentic selves" that I guess I haven't been living in the real world of what actually happens. Well, I do know this on some theoretical level, but it came as a shock to me as I saw it right before my eyes and even better, that suddenly I'm expected to participate in this "school plan".

So far it's just a bit funny, that's all. I hope it doesn't become a bigger issue for me and that if need be, I can promote my silent revolution from the corner of my toddler classroom. That's the good thing about being a T.A., I'm not the focus of attention or training in the ideological sense. 

On a horse of a different color, all this makes my need for words stronger and stronger.

My little words, arranged and re-arranged; researched, thought over, painted in white, in yellow, what about purple? I'm going to be a translator, dammit. Better yet, I AM A TRANSLATOR. It's pouring out of me, the potential, the need and LA VOGLIA. Sempre questa voglia. And I'm dead certain that I'm going to make it somehow, tread my own path.

Sometimes I wish I could grab words between my fingers, pick them up in handfuls, pour them into my mouth, organize them on my desk...have them wave back.

E sentiti stanca se vuoi...

"Put a language in your head and get on a train (B&S)"

Non voglio essere una ribelle

Non voglio convicere tutti quanti

Che son cresciuta più...

Negli ultimi mesi che gli ultimi anni

Non voglio guardare per forza il cielo

Per poi sentirmi una sua parte

Non voglio nè stelle nè chi

Per essere stella si mette da parte

E la mia storia la so solo io

E insieme a chi... mi ha amata davvero

E che insieme a me ha preparato

Una valigia e mi ha guardata

Dicendo tu corri, non sentirti sola

Che sempre con te ci sarò pure io

E sentiti stanca se vuoi

Te lo meriti a volte, amore mio

(parte di una canzone di Giusy Ferrerri)

iomeyoeu

I
speak English
speak Português
I am bilingual by nature
polilingual by choice
Eu
traduzo
I
smell coffee
Io
voglio
.
came from the US of A
my yankee father
minha mãe paulista
no planalto central de Brasilia
entre cães e gatos
Eu
traduzo
Eu
medio
Eu
procuro o meu lugar
a minha Itália
I
indulge
cookies
and peas
meus pés
my feet
minhas palavras
têm vida
in my words
in other words...
iomeyoeu

Il mondo nuovo

ascoltare: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rtviy7GioSE&feature=channel

"è meglio una delusione vera di una gioia finta"

Sempre que me sinto presa dentro al buio che avanza, tem uma coisa que viene a dare luce al mio giorno. 
Pero poi arrivi tu, ti siedi dove vuoi e butti giù la mia malincolia di vivere e tutto sembra possibile per me.


Adoro essa canção e tem poderes mágicos su di me.
Quando respeito minha paixão por ele, sem questionar, o italiano salva o dia. Dá um sopro de ar na minha alma, me dá direção "daemônica" como diria alguém que conheço...
Se começo a dissecar esse sentimento, tentando entender, tentando encaixá-lo no mundo prático e pragmático, o sentimento se dissipa e só me resta fragmentos de algo que começa a arder no auge de seu não-sentido.

E adesso sto rissalendo, per favore non fermarti ora!


Quem sabe a meta maior desse ano novo poderia ser, respeitar minhas loucuras e ouvir sua voz com mais permissão?
O que tenho a perder, do outro jeito não estava dando muito certo, não é?

I spent the weekend in a place where the theme spirituality was very strong, spirituality and the search for "truth", and it got to me in a very deep place. In the place where I walked away from my religious beliefs because they no longer comforted me or made sense in my life. In the place where I walked away wanting something else, accepting the risks implicit in so doing. I felt scared this weekend as I saw these people so carelessly flowing through their religious connections.

I kept wondering, where did that piece of me go?

I know I make contact with it when I write, which is probably why I do it so much and so often.
When I write I listen to what's going on inside and then something breaks through, something comforting.
It's more a need than a want.
I get all over the place, like scrambled eggs or water that spills onto the floor. Then I start writing and it's like taking a mop or turning the eggs into a nice little sandwich. And eating it.

Or something like that.

La mia follia

La mia follia
Dicono che lei mi terrà per mano e mi porterà per i cammini più belli.

Per ogni vita che nasce
per ogni albero che fiorerà
cambierà

Non ho più tanta paura di me stessa.

C'è una strada per andare


Chiedo alla vita tutta la sapienza di cui ho bisogno in questi momenti che i miei piedi crescono, mi raddrizzo e pongo le mie parole a lavorare insieme a me.

One Step Closer

I have bangs now.
I HAVE BANGS NOW.
I have not had bangs since I was what...8?

It's very foreign and for the time being it feels like there's a brick of hair on my forehead, heavy and ackward. But then I look in the mirror and it's ok.

I had to do it, the being inside of me has been demanding this for years now, yet I hadn't the courage needed for such a drastic step.
I would always shy away with excuses and fears such as "I don't have a good face-shape for that" or "naaah, too childish" or the more ominous "bangs are a bad, bad idea!"

Today I said, well, ok, it might be bad, but I've gotta try.
And I did!
I've never been so happy with a haircut before.

As the hairdresser snipped away I could not help and grin like a little girl, for I felt like that, stubborn, mischievous, daring and bold.
Welcome back!

I am one step closer to being someone I actually identify with.

I Know a Spell

"I know a spell, it will make you help

write about love it can be in any tense but it must make sense

I know a trick, forget that you are sick

write about love it could be in any form hand it to me in the morning 

I know the way (so you know the way)

Get on your skinny knees and pray (maybe not today)

you've gotta see the dream through the windows and the trees of your living room

(of your living room!)"

Me and my coffee, my coffee and I.
and B&S.
And a blank page.


perfetto!

Apparently I am exhausted today, went to bed at midnight, woke up at 10:30. Actually, woke up several times between 8 and 10:30 but wasn't able to muster up the energy required to actually get up and wake up 100%. 

Apparently I am exhausted every day. 

I know that 14 hours in a day, most often than not, prove themselves to be too much. Somewhere along the way I take a break or else get utterly overwhelmed (and then take a break).

I missed writing in here this week, even though it's been 3 days only, but I still missed it. 

Caught up in my translations (lost in translation?), classes and getting through 14 or so hours. 

As the plane came down and landed over Brasilia last Monday, the same old thoughts circulated through my bloodlines: always the same plane, the same landing, on repeat, on repeat, on repeat mode. 

When I lie in bed and start to daydream, it takes me away on that same plane. However, if I am feeling rather realistic, I imagine what I could do without stepping foot in an airport. 

The scenario is always an invariable variation of the same scene, something GOES. Out the window. 

I see the dream through the windows and trees of my living room and I go after it. I go after my gut feeling, my unrational self, against all "but what if...what if...what if it all goes terribly wrong!?"

And so I go back to my 14 or so hours with occasional breaks and fantasies. 

I want the world to stop, I want the world to stop

Give me the morning, give me the afternoon, the night!

But you know what, so long as I can write and shout in here, as long as I can shout myself anywhere, I can do pretty well. As long as words are my friends, here we are.

My Method

ne me quitte pas me quitte paaaaaas

Estou engajada no meu experimento de auto-ensinamento e auto-aprendizagem de línguas.
Mantenho o espanhol e o italiano afiados com o mesmo exercício pelo qual me inicio no francês così lontano da minha realidade neurolinguística, mas gosto do desafio.
Já toquei um pouco no assunto do método mas agora defini mais, caso alguém queira se aventurar nesse experimento junto comigo.

1. Escolha um artigo de jornal na língua alvo...Entre online e procure. Escolha um artigo que te interesse por algum tema, se não fica ainda mais difícil e acredito que se tiver o afetivo envolvido, a motivação é outra e a assimilação também.

2. Leia uma vez sem grandes pretensões e tente captar a idéia geral. Depois escreva as palavras ou expressões que você não conhece e procure. Eu também incluiría a seguinte dica: pesquise o tema em qualquer língua, na sua se quiser, se você não tem tanta familiaridade com ele, pois isso coloca o artigo em contexto e ajuda muito.

3. Depois, procure algum vídeo que fale do assunto lido. Youtube, canais de TV dos devidos países, sempre há algo, especialmente se o assunto for o assunto do momento. Só escute, escute e escute, várias e repetidas vezes mas não se prenda em entender cada palavrinha, só escute e verás que a cada repetição uma ou duas palavras novas serão compreendidas, é uma experiência fantástica, como um mundo que se desvela lentamente.

4. Agora, dependendo do seu nível, procure exercícios de gramática online, o que não falta. Se você nunca estudou o assunto, procure uma explicação (em qualquer língua) antes de tentar o exercício. Se você já passou anos estudando a língua, talvez não seja necessário, pule para o exercício direto.

5. Pra finalizar, escolha uma canção na língua e escute...pegue a letra e tente cantar junto (hehe) e veja vocabulário e etc.


Enfim, there's a method to my madness, I think. Alguns princípios que me guiam:
1. Entre em contato com a língua autêntica, não com videos ou audios ou textos feitos para aprendizes.
2. Aprenda a língua em contexto, gramática, vocabulário, etc, aprenda em CONTEXTO, tal como é usado pelos nativos.
3. Não se agarre em ter que entender tudo, cada palavra. O principal é o contato com a língua e a aprendizagem por intuição e dedução. Não descarte o dicionário quando a palavra for fundamental para a compreensão do texto, mas também não fique agarrado nele.

Pronto...Método que não é puramente "meu", é uma compilação de tudo que acredito ter funcionado para mim nesses tantos anos de aprender e ensinar línguas e também um pouco de intuição a respeito.

Como disse, estou testando esse método com uma nova língua, o francês, para poder dizer se é algo que recomendaria para iniciantes. Claro, acho que entrar numa escola e ter um professor me ajudaria também, pois nisso tudo está faltando a INTERAÇÃO, mas no momento isso não é possível e mesmo se fosse, acho que é um bom complemento às aulas. E também tem o pequeno fato de que o francês é tão semelhante ao italiano e espanhol e português que não posso dizer estar começando do zero como se fosse mandarim, por exemplo.
Je vous dirai comment me va...

My Shelves

today's soundtrack: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wnWud1IudG8

Fiona Apple - Please Please Please

Give us something familiar, something similar to what we know already

 that will keep us steady, steady,

steady going nowhere!

please please please... no more remedies

my method is uncertain, it's a mess but it's workin'

What should I do, how do I organize my mind with my necessities and my desires? With the crazy mood oscillations? Urgh, hate that last part. Destructive as all hell.

Migraines migraines, now I have to monitor these and keep a good ole diary of my attacks, possible triggers and etc. 

I'm confused as to my priorities at this given moment of the year.

What do I want? 

I know that.

What do I need to do, then? Perfect translation skills and languages skills. Okie dokie, so that's what the CTJ course has been doing for me in the English department. I feel the need to study more Spanish, but I wonder about the money involved. 

Which leads me to many other issues...

I want a routine, that I know. I want to have a routine and stick to it, that's the main problem. Each day something else comes up that make a routine very very secondary. A migraine, an unexpected panic attack, rain, no work, work, no work....students cancelling classes, trips, holidays, mom travelling in and out of town. Here enters the living in another country fantasy, constructing my own life fantasy. I want to construct the variables around me.  

What else do I want?

I want to define my IGTB status. I'm so tired of doubting it, of wondering, of being unsatisfied with my being there and my incredible desire of just letting it GO. It doesn't make anymore sense to me, it doesn't make any sense in my life. Do you understand the anguish this causes? It's like if I were investing in a quantic physics career when I KNOW that I'm not going to be a quantic physicist. And what am I doing then, just waiting for it to be OVER to go after what I really desire? Why am I not doing that now, then? See the issue? It really bugs me. Somewhere deep down I know that if I let it go, it'll be so important for me and will free me up to be who I feel to be most truly. 

I don't have answers to these questions, I have directions that point places and I have the desire to go. What is keeping me from going then, I ask? I know exactly what it is and I wonder here to myself, is it really worth it? (in case you are wondering, other people's opinios, my sense of failure, my own opinion, fear, fear, fear, fear and caution)

In one word, I am restless. I have the energy, I don't have the vector, like they say in Physics. That's just a recipe for entropy, I believe. Forgive my loose usage of all these very important terms, but I really don't remember the least of Physics. 

All I know at the moment is: let's go do my nails.