today's soundtrack: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wnWud1IudG8
Fiona Apple - Please Please Please
Give us something familiar, something similar to what we know already
that will keep us steady, steady,
steady going nowhere!
please please please... no more remedies
my method is uncertain, it's a mess but it's workin'
What should I do, how do I organize my mind with my necessities and my desires? With the crazy mood oscillations? Urgh, hate that last part. Destructive as all hell.
Migraines migraines, now I have to monitor these and keep a good ole diary of my attacks, possible triggers and etc.
I'm confused as to my priorities at this given moment of the year.
What do I want?
I know that.
What do I need to do, then? Perfect translation skills and languages skills. Okie dokie, so that's what the CTJ course has been doing for me in the English department. I feel the need to study more Spanish, but I wonder about the money involved.
Which leads me to many other issues...
I want a routine, that I know. I want to have a routine and stick to it, that's the main problem. Each day something else comes up that make a routine very very secondary. A migraine, an unexpected panic attack, rain, no work, work, no work....students cancelling classes, trips, holidays, mom travelling in and out of town. Here enters the living in another country fantasy, constructing my own life fantasy. I want to construct the variables around me.
What else do I want?
I want to define my IGTB status. I'm so tired of doubting it, of wondering, of being unsatisfied with my being there and my incredible desire of just letting it GO. It doesn't make anymore sense to me, it doesn't make any sense in my life. Do you understand the anguish this causes? It's like if I were investing in a quantic physics career when I KNOW that I'm not going to be a quantic physicist. And what am I doing then, just waiting for it to be OVER to go after what I really desire? Why am I not doing that now, then? See the issue? It really bugs me. Somewhere deep down I know that if I let it go, it'll be so important for me and will free me up to be who I feel to be most truly.
I don't have answers to these questions, I have directions that point places and I have the desire to go. What is keeping me from going then, I ask? I know exactly what it is and I wonder here to myself, is it really worth it? (in case you are wondering, other people's opinios, my sense of failure, my own opinion, fear, fear, fear, fear and caution)
In one word, I am restless. I have the energy, I don't have the vector, like they say in Physics. That's just a recipe for entropy, I believe. Forgive my loose usage of all these very important terms, but I really don't remember the least of Physics.
All I know at the moment is: let's go do my nails.