quarta-feira, 29 de junho de 2011

Meia hora

A meia hora para escrever vale a meia hora a menos para dormir.
Estou exausta, extremamente exausta nessa transição para uma nova vida, novo emprego e tarefas, nova rotina, etc. As adaptações são tão cognitivas quanto emocionais e até mesmo corporais.
Ritmo de sono, de comer, de descansar e agir...
Ritmo de trabalho, de produção, de organização...
Ritmo de confiança e insegurança, o tal do NOVO e o tal do entusiasmo.

Nem foi meia hora...

domingo, 26 de junho de 2011

As fotos


Estou organizando todas as fotos da casa.
De 19 e bolinha até 2011...
Todas.
As fotos se espalham pelo chão do quarto e vão se amontoando em épocas...aos poucos vou filtrando-as por ano e por eras e assim vou recriando a minha história.
Quando fomos pro Peru...
O casamento dos meus pais...
Quando viemos para Brasilia
Aqui eu já tinha 8...ou era 9?
Deus me livre, entrando na adolescência...tadinha de mim...

Algumas épocas me causam mais dor que outras, uma dor involuntária, reflexa, tal como o martelo no joelho.
Depois de olhar e organizar vou para a cozinha ferver água e a melancolia toma conta junto com o bittersweet do café. É difícil dar-me conta do que aconteceu, porque fiquei triste "de repente"...um gradual que vira de repente, na verdade.
Então me ilumino e me toco...tem coisas que vibram em mim profundamente, como me ver aos 11 e  ver sem máscaras a ansiedade que eu já sentia, o medo e o isolamento. Vejo no meu rosto e no meu corpo desajeitado a falta que sentia da minha mãe, tremenda falta, mesmo estando do meu lado.
Vejo as fotos de quando meu pai começou a ser visita aqui em casa e para minha surpresa, é justo nessa época que o coelinho, o Bunny, começa a estar presente em toda foto, um talismã, um cobertor de segurança. Engraçado o que não enxergamos a não ser de uma distância. 

Outra épocas me dão calor no coração...ver o começo do casamento dos meus pais, como começou a vida da minha mãe, da minha idade começando a aventura de sua vida. Chegando aos EUA, nem sonhava que se casaria e logo depois chegaria eu.  Alí estou, cheia de vestidos e pezinhos, e logo em seguida a irmã e mais poses e serelepices.
Eu olho pra ela(s) e procuro eu. 
E eu, mãe? Você me levou até aqui, estamos aqui...e agora? 
Minhas fotos serão como daqui uns anos?
Sinto que organizo o passado para abrir espaço para o futuro.

quarta-feira, 22 de junho de 2011

And Then Some


Wash over me...wash over me...

Mundane mundaneness tonight. 
Let's see...so, anxiety. And then some...

I think we suffer so much when we are young for not knowing what we want...the older we get, the more experience makes us aware of what crap we are willing to take and which one we can do without. The older we get the more information we have on ourselves and the choices seem to be better. 
That's just a theory, of course. But it does make sense to me, for it is what has made a difference (albeit, slight) in my levels of anxiety...just having more information in general. And just knowing that something matter more than others and some not at all...
Anxiety can be so dumb and ignorant, egocentric and infantile...the expectation of perfection.
but, it is. 

Experience is a master at teaching the art of distinction!

quinta-feira, 16 de junho de 2011

Month Six


What a month this is turning out to be. 
It is month 6. 
6 of 12.
1/5
0.5
Half of the year, exactly, and I transtion with precision into a different phase.
During all of month 6, I have initiated leaving a job and initiated starting another one. On the same day I gave my 4 weeks' notice and landed a successful job interview. Then initiated both processes. 
Month 7 it will all be complete. 
I almost lost it this week, I started to lose faith in and sight of myself (there's preposition power for you...).
And then miraculously (it always feels miraculous), life shifted back into place, or better yet, life shifted back into a better place. There always is a place, right? Are wormholes space? Hmm...
But I digress.
I've bitten through my bottom lip, a new precious nervous habit I've picked up. It's obsessive to have nervous habits...you begin and suddenly, HOW TO STOP?? 
I can't believe I've found a job and a profession I feel at home with, which makes this city feel like home again. 
It's not a new job, teaching English...but it's changed completely for me. The new school and approach and coworkers...and the experience at Maple Bear has also changed me, for the better. 
During my training week at the English School I kept having flashbacks of my Middle and High School English classes. I loved them so much and during my 5 years at University and intensive Psy training I really missed these classes and this way of looking at the world, through language and the magic of texts, written or read. The attention given to each word, the way they go together, synonyms and similes...
 
In these flashbacks, I remembered Ms. Reynolds, the most influential English teacher I've ever had. She incentivated me to write and recognized my need for this form of expression, and also my ease at it. She nurtured this feeling in me and made it blossom. I wish I could find the letter she wrote me when we parted ways, where she asked me to never stop writing and always keep a journal and free-write every day, for I had material in me for thousands of stories, plays, etc..
She was sweet. 
I always hoped I could get her contact information and tell her how much I remember her and am grateful...As a teacher myself now, I know that would be something she would like to receive.
Ms. R, I hope you get this message out there, somehow...I'll keep looking.

terça-feira, 14 de junho de 2011

Não perca o chão

Por favor, não se perca agora.
Não perca o chão
Aqui. Aqui. Olhe aqui. Nos meus olhos. Estou aqui.

Por favor, não se perca de vista.
Uma coisa é uma coisa, outra coisa é outra coisa, e tem muitas coisas ao mesmo tempo, é mais ou menos assim.

segunda-feira, 13 de junho de 2011

Being Able to...


Writing for later. Extremely tired.

sexta-feira, 10 de junho de 2011

Write to Sleep

Panic! at the disco...cuz I can't find my meds tonight. 
Just the idea of not being able to take it if I need it has made me extremely anxious.
¬¬

I just love being myself sometimes, really. 

So here I am...posting...listening to music...playing bejeweled and seeing if I might just fall asleep over the keyboard.  I don't want the 10,250 thoughts racing through my head win me over.
This week has been so strange. So strange. Like my car that turned 180° on the wet road today, I have the same feeling about future events...like I have no control over the direction in which the back wheels of my car are going to turn to, no matter how I hold the steering wheel. 

Flying so you won't land.

It seems like I'm always talking about "big changes" and whatnot, like if my life is so completely undecided...well, it is. It has been, at least. This all leads me to feel very sensitive to each decision and each curve on the road, each tunnel, each road sign, etc. Parking spaces...all the metaphors you can think of. 

The funny (tragic?) thing is that I'm coming to terms that I'm becoming that which I was fighting so hard to not be...a TEACHER. It's just happening.  Life becomes much easier when I just accept and embrace this. Life would become even easier (I think) if I just went ahead and laid down my arms and admited, this is not temporary...I mean, of course I might do other things. I'm sure translation will work out, I know it's a possibility...but a big part of me feels like I'll never be "free" of being a teacher, one way or another. 

Up you go, post, enough for today. Literally...23:55

quinta-feira, 9 de junho de 2011

Sick Again

Runny nose, odd feeling in throat and ears.
I need to let it run its course, I need to feel this torpor take over, my body ask for rest. My mind sink into the recesses of my head.
I always feel like a sick me is a me more in sync with what I really need.

terça-feira, 7 de junho de 2011

A Soul, in writing

A soul is a precious thing to let go down a drain. 
"Whatever gets you through the day, that's your way".
I need to give it attention, or keep giving it attention like I've been trying to do with the recent decisions for change...and get it on a better path.
I've been feeling very despondent and self-denying. Feeling like life isn't going to be any fun anymore isn't any fun.
I guess I'm willing to work through the cons of the PROS I'm seeking. 
Like working out a bit more in order to eat the icecream, you know?

domingo, 5 de junho de 2011

Le français et moi


Un beau jour
Ou était-ce une nuit
On s'assoit sur un banc
On décide de refaire sa vie
Et sous le firmament
On oublie les règles et les acquis
Et tous nos différends
Sont différents


L'automne, encore.


Qu'est-ce que je veux?


Qu'est-ce que je veux?


C'est la première question.


Je sais que je suis plus fort que ce moment de ma vie, de touts les moments...je vivre encore.


Je vais faire une promenade pour réfléchir.


Pendant ce temps...écoutez: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qam1N13ZoIE




à bientôt....

quarta-feira, 1 de junho de 2011

June Meditation

The whole world is trying to be somebody
Kicking themselves about what could've been
What's wrong with being a nobody?
I'm not pretending I am what I'll never be...


Although this has nothing to do with how I actually live and perceive myself (cough cough, perfectionist!), I like the idea of it.

I'm coming to terms with sudden movements that have come my way. 
So in the next 2 months I'm moving, is that right? One more of my mother's U turns. I don't know what I think of it. I think I have no choice in the matter, that's what I think, so what's the use of thinking anything? I'd rather just not think and then one day I'll be there already and I'll be doing it, living in a new situation. No drama. 

Oh, I forgot...It's JUNE! Happy June to us. 
I like the feeling of clean slates, and new months sort of give me this impression. 
At the same time, it's a slate for closure, for June brings July and lots can happen from one semester to another. 
*I hope.

*sigh*
what am I punishing myself so badly for?
I know I'm close to something...very close!