segunda-feira, 5 de outubro de 2015
Hello. Long time to write…I haven't been in the mood with so much going on, the idea of stopping just to write about ME has not been appetizing. But now it is again, because every so often I get the urge to speak out about things, especially things that I feel I can't normally say or tell people, out of shame or just awkwardness.
Everybody who know me knows that in general, I do pretty well with whatever I set my mind to do. And it all seems to come so "naturally", effortlessly..that is half true, it is easy for me to do lots of things, but the emotional part behind it is everything but.
Do you know what it's like to be successful failure? It mess that whenever I get something right - I don't think, wow, yes! I think, whew, relief! THIS TIME I GOT LUCKY. AGAIN. It always seems to be a matter of luck. And then the FEAR of being discovered as a failure gets worse and worse with each "success". The bar gets set higher and expectations as well, and the fear of disappointing is so great. And any time something does NOT go so great, I take it really hard because after all, it just confirms what I've been trying so hard to hide - i really am a failure! See? When something doesn't go well, I freak out because to me, it feels like I'm being exposed for the fraud that I feel like. This especially applies to the areas of "I'm not really an adult", "I don't really know English THAT well" and even "I'm not a real American…or I'm not a real Brazilian" - and when I got my degree in Psychology, the idea of being an impostor of a psychologist was so terrifying I absolutely abhorred the idea of practicing that profession. The stakes were way too high for me.
What is this "fraud" syndrome thing? I've read it is a real thing, as in, lots of people feel this way. "Imposter Syndrome" if I'm not mistaken:
“The beauty of the impostor syndrome is you vacillate between extreme egomania and a complete feeling of: ‘I’m a fraud! Oh God, they’re on to me! I’m a fraud!’ So you just try to ride the egomania when it comes and enjoy it, and then slide through the idea of fraud.” – Tina Fey
This feeling haunts me, sometimes stronger sometimes almost gone, but always there…It is emotionally draining, one drop of perfectionism at a time, which is not really perfectionism, it's just an attempt to not be discovered. It's really neurotic, totally neurotic - I mean, who are "THEY" and what will they "DISCOVER"? That I, like everyone else, can make mistakes? That in the back stage of doing "a good job" I actually am an ocean of insecurity? How can anyone take me seriously if they find out how much I doubt myself?
I guess this is just a beginning for me of discussing the issue, no conclusion of epiphany. Maybe a start of a conversation with all others who feel like this. Do you feel like a successful failure who just gets lucky a lot? How do you deal? How don't you deal?