quarta-feira, 28 de novembro de 2012

Sleepy Rainy Milky Baby Days

I'm kinda bored. It's a strange feeling that seeps in my in between moments, when the house is clean, when the baby is asleep, when I've taken my shower, when I did my daily work quota, when I've taken a nap...Granted, these moments are rare, but some days, like today, the stars align and she takes several long naps during the day. And I find myself at a loss. I don't know what to do with myself and in a panic I walk in and out of her room several times, wondering if I should wake her up. Or have her sleep in my lap. But my arms and back are so tired that I hesitate and think twice before doing that.

So I'm trying to figure out what the hell my life is right now. Normally, when I get this way, I'd go out and do something. I don't know. I'd take another nap. I'd go see a movie. Now it seems so complicated. Seems, I said!? It IS. Staying home with her is so simple, but leaving the front door is like a secret service war operation. I only have two arms, and lugging a nursery with me, along with a 6 kilo baby AND my severe anemia is too much to handle. And the RAIN. Oh god, it never stops raining in this land of extreme weather. We either grow mold with the rainy season, stuck at home in socks, or wither away under the crackling dry weather. 

So anyway. Now, I'm at a loss with my mommy life. I have work, yes, but it's chopped in bits and pieces and honestly not that challenging. Plus, it's lonely work. Doesn't really feel like work. There's reading, which I've been doing quite a lot of. Starting your day at 6AM has these kinds of collateral effects, like being awake and having more time awake. 

My life is to follow her life, which is comprised of sleeping, waking, feeding, pooing, changing, feeding, sleeping, etc. etc...Small changes happen from week to week, but it's still essentially the same routine. I feel stuck in a neverending timeless loop of events. I don't feel time happening.It's all warped and centered around her milky needs. 

What an incredibly scary and fascinating journey this is. What awaits us on the other side? 

quinta-feira, 22 de novembro de 2012

Luna di settembre

Laura Pausini fez uma canção para uma filha (será a dela?) e lembro que na gravidez a escutava bastante, repetindo alguns trechos como poesia para a Cora-da-barriga...

Aqui vai:

Avrai gli occhi di tuo padre                       Você terá os olhos de seu pai
E la sua malinconia                                    E sua melancolia
Il silenzio senza tempo che pervade           O silêncio sem tempo que permeia
Al tramonto la marea                                  a maré no por do sol
Arriverai con la luna di settembre             Você chegará com a lua de setembro
Che verserà il suo latte dentro me              Que fará fluir seu leite dentro de mim
E ti amerò                                                  E te amarei
Come accade nelle favole per sempre        Como acontece nos contos de fada, para sempre


Ma in un attimo lo so                                   Mas em um segundo eu sei
Volerai via                                                  Você vai voar para longe
Verso l'isola lontana                                    Para uma ilha longínqua
di una città                                                  de uma cidade
Come ho fatto un giorno anch'io                 Como eu fiz também um dia
Amore mio                                                  Meu amor
Perché il sole puó scordarsi della luna...      Porque o sol pode se esquecer da lua

terça-feira, 20 de novembro de 2012

Unfathomably Bewildering

There's so much to write about now with Cora in my life.

I wish I could write it with pen and paper in hand, but time is not something I have to spare.
I am captive to this love, 24/7. My milk is our compass for now.
Her skin is so soft, silky and brand new. I soak its smell up, intoxicated. I am exhausted, yet discovering new realms of energy and motivation. and FAITH, lots of it.
My day is full of should's, but she's the only need to.

Who is this little girl in my lap? Who is this baby, who will very soon not be a baby anymore? Her father's eyes? Her mother's nose? Who will she prove to be, little by little, smile by smile?

She is eager - eager to talk, eager to move, eager to be touch and be touched. She is grateful and generous, smiling and cooing when we get it right. She is learning to experiment things with her mouth, right now it's her little hand. Her plump little drool covered hand. What is your world like, little one? Do you feel safe, loved, happy? That's all I could hope for.

Having a child is so unfathomably bewildering.