quarta-feira, 28 de novembro de 2012

Sleepy Rainy Milky Baby Days

I'm kinda bored. It's a strange feeling that seeps in my in between moments, when the house is clean, when the baby is asleep, when I've taken my shower, when I did my daily work quota, when I've taken a nap...Granted, these moments are rare, but some days, like today, the stars align and she takes several long naps during the day. And I find myself at a loss. I don't know what to do with myself and in a panic I walk in and out of her room several times, wondering if I should wake her up. Or have her sleep in my lap. But my arms and back are so tired that I hesitate and think twice before doing that.

So I'm trying to figure out what the hell my life is right now. Normally, when I get this way, I'd go out and do something. I don't know. I'd take another nap. I'd go see a movie. Now it seems so complicated. Seems, I said!? It IS. Staying home with her is so simple, but leaving the front door is like a secret service war operation. I only have two arms, and lugging a nursery with me, along with a 6 kilo baby AND my severe anemia is too much to handle. And the RAIN. Oh god, it never stops raining in this land of extreme weather. We either grow mold with the rainy season, stuck at home in socks, or wither away under the crackling dry weather. 

So anyway. Now, I'm at a loss with my mommy life. I have work, yes, but it's chopped in bits and pieces and honestly not that challenging. Plus, it's lonely work. Doesn't really feel like work. There's reading, which I've been doing quite a lot of. Starting your day at 6AM has these kinds of collateral effects, like being awake and having more time awake. 

My life is to follow her life, which is comprised of sleeping, waking, feeding, pooing, changing, feeding, sleeping, etc. etc...Small changes happen from week to week, but it's still essentially the same routine. I feel stuck in a neverending timeless loop of events. I don't feel time happening.It's all warped and centered around her milky needs. 

What an incredibly scary and fascinating journey this is. What awaits us on the other side? 

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