sábado, 27 de abril de 2013

I am still very much a baby

In a good way.
What I mean is:

Here I am, sitting on the floor of a dark room, beside my daughter who has just fallen asleep to the sound of lullabies and the touch of my warm lap...and I lay her down in bed and tuck her in with Bunny, my old Bunny who heard a lot of my tears and kept a lot of my company when I most needed it...
I lay here with him when I feel particularly vulnerable, when I feel like we both need some sheltering form the world.

I worry. I worry I won't be able to shelter her for too much longer, and that breaks my heart. I know that's the deal, I know children aren't ours to shelter forever and so on...but still, it breaks my heart. She's a tiny baby, for christ's sake. I think I should be very well justified in protecting her like a mama LION from annoying family comments and interventions with her. Family scares me more, much more, than any stranger on the street with inconvenient nosing in. At least they are strangers I never have to see again. Family, no. Family I see over and over and over again. Family has power over decisions, over self-image, over ways of doing things.
I hate so many things about how some people treat her, disrespect her. It drives me nuts. Nuts? No, it drives me bloody rabies mad. So when I lay her down with bunny, when I kiss her goodnight over and over again, when I imagine all her owl-angels, I really am seeing me there as well, laying down with her, sheltered down there with her.

She's my best guardian angel.

terça-feira, 16 de abril de 2013

Talking to Babies and Angels

I wrote this in February of last year, when I was in the wee beginnings of pregnancy - it could almost entirely apply itself yo the present moment. I was talking to the baby in my tummy about my fears and anxieties: 

"I want you to understand how this is not about you, that I love you very much. I want you to understand that I am trying to sort a lot of things out in order to be a better person, a happier person and therefore a happier mom to you. I am dealing with things without the buffering of anxiety meds or even work. My past demons, my present demons, my inner child and her grief, for starters. I am working through my arrogance and my terrible self-esteem. I am working on my life purpose, on what I am here to do and trying to tap into my inner truth, filtering it amidst so many different misleading voices.
I want you to know that I am trying very hard to be a good enough mother for you. I am sorry if the grief reaches you, or the anxiety. I hope you can understand at some level what it’s about and be able to digest it somehow. If not, I pray that God reach down his hand and blow it away like the wind blows away smoke or dandelions. Or that he stroke your newly formed hair for me..."

Amen, amen, amen..

little Cora, I wish all the same things now. 

I've been feeling so scared lately. That fear has returned. Everything is changing so fast, it seems, sometimes I don't know who my baby is anymore. She's just unfolding - SO FAST. My insecurities are mounting, so many unknown factors to deal with. Like her newfound separation anxiety. IOW, she cannot be apart from me, PHYSICALLY apart without breaking down into a real fit. Sometimes someone can distract her enough for the crisis to be averted, but it's difficult. My back hurts a lot from holding her so much. I feel overtouched, over tired, over needed. It's scary, like she's going to be a neverending pit of neediness, but I try to keep in mind it's a phase, she's going through something "scary" for her, understanding and coming to grips with the notion that mommy is a separate person from her, who can move around and who can - gasp! - leave! And the other way around too...she is mobile, she can move around, so she can go astray and get lost. Of course, I'm imagining, trying to imagine what is going on.
I changed her room around, got rid of the crib and made a low bed scenario so she can have more play space in her own room and also the possibility of exploring her surroundings more freely. It hurt my heart to take the crib apart, I did not see that coming. I didn't know the crib represented so much to me, it was weird. It was like I was saying that her baby self is gone now, even thought it's not!! She could've been in the low bed situation since she was born, I'm not doing it because now she's older or more mature...it's only because I found out about this possibility recently. But still, it hurt, and just thinking about it I want to cry again! Go figure. But she adapted well to her new bed and finds it interesting that around her bed is now a whole different universe...her mirror, her toys, the "art" on the walls...mommy in bed with her at times. Oh well. I'll adapt. And then I'll be attached to the low bed, cuz that's how I am, one attachment after another. 
I tried talking to her in her sleep yesterday about my insecurities, to see if it helps with HER insecurities. Who knows, right? Maybe she's catching on to what I'm feeling and that makes her doubly insecure. 
I'm scared sometimes and the pressure mounting on me - scared as in I want desperately to be able to take my anxiety medication - but I don't have it anymore, we are on our own. I'm anxious with Ez's stressful schedule, with my weird in-law family situation that I so not finding a good way to deal...with my ambiguous work situation,  the pain in my body, Cora's intense emotional needs, with her new schedule - especially her eating introduction. I feel it's not going too well, but maybe it's supposed to be a very slow process..how do I know? I don't feel that Ez is my support system when it comes to raising her because I've been making most decisions by myself and that also is scary. That's because I'm the one WITH her all day. 
I'm just bloody tired. I know there is hope, lots of it, actually. I know we'll be fine and get our groove together and that she has so many resources to help her out as well, apart from me. And also that things will continue to change all the time and all is temporary. 
I know God is with us, I know we have our guardian angels, and I talk to them SO MUCH. They are the hand I've been holding on to when I need solace, when I need strength and conforting. When I need to feel mothered as well. 

Amen. Amen. Amen. 

terça-feira, 9 de abril de 2013

Mamma and her own anxiety issues

Mantra to repeat over and over...

I need to write today more than I need to breathe, and I REALLY need to breathe, so there you have it.
My mind keeps racing on and off and my sight gets fuzzy and I get dizzy and panicky.

When people find out I have a blog, I always say, well, it's not really a blog. Ok, it's public and sometimes I put something out for others to read, but that's not the point of it at all. It's not organized in any way around any theme, I mean, just look and read around and you'll see, completely random and me-logical.

Just like this post.

I wish I knew everything about everything when it comes to making choices for Cora and I. I wish I could be a savvy mom who has read every single finding about vaccination and feels confident about her choices, who understands her choices. Substitute vaccination for just about anything else - television, nutrition, in-laws, etc...
I need to trust, though, I just HAVE TO TRUST... I have to trust HER, that she has her own unique needs and abilities and higher self that will start shining through and making itself clearer - trust in a higher power who is watching out for us, who influence things way out of my control - that the people who made these vaccinations aren't just shitting us around trying to do evil deeds. I have to trust they have good intentions at heart. I mean...I can't read everything about everything and know everything about everything. It's just NOT POSSIBLE. So if I'm making mistakes, I am not the only one responsible. There are pros and cons to ANYTHING, seriously, anything. For example, television. Such a bad rep and combination, babies and television!! But what about the other side, which I never hear about - what about how much it helps me not be so lonely or bored here at home? I mean, there's a limit to how much Facebook or a book or playing with my baby can occupy during a day. Same goes for TV, it's not always what I need, but it helps a lot at crucial moments. So when I start feeling too guilty or anxious or confused - should I have the TV on when I do, in front of her? I remember as well - cut yourself some slack, for pete's sake, your mental health is just as important for HER HEALTH as anything else.

There are no easy answers. Somedays I feel like I'm losing it. Add on to this confusion between family, personal, societal, marital, etc... pressures my sheer exhaustion and the combination is lovely. Scary. Dizzying. And also? I'm making it through! So much stronger and flexible and with all these new abilities and energetic rearrangements. I've got to trust that there will be a time for the dust to settle and for me to be able to look around at this new landscape, when the train wagons will stop shaking and I will be able to see the view along the way. Or something like that...I swear that made sense when I wrote it and thought it.

And there she goes again, crying out in one of her night terror fits. Just breaks my heart and scares me at the same time, because it's taking place in a domain where I can't reach her, where her own anxieties take over.
Over and out.

segunda-feira, 8 de abril de 2013

I am soaking in it...

Today's post is inspired by this talk:

I'm feeling particularly tired and sad today. And frustrated. This parenting thing, it seems like you can never win, can you? After a day of feeling proud of myself and seeing fruits of my hard work and decisions, today I felt it all crumbling around me when self-doubt crept in and made me hate this entire world and all this judgment and this loneliness I'm feeling of not knowing who to talk to and who to trust...And also of making decisions based on what I think, which is often times confusing and not that sure, especially when everyone around me seems to question it.

Frick. For example, for such a STUPID example - to pierce or not to pierce her little ears? How can THIS be creating such an annoying problem within the family?
How and what she eats. How and if she breastfeeds. How and when she cries/tantrums. Whether or not she's wearing cologne. (oh my goood!!) How I dress her. What I offer her to play. In what language I speak to her. What school she doesn't even attend yet.

Everything. so. subject. to. such. scrutiny. it. makes. me. dizzy. I'm used to more privacy, to less intense family meddling and sharing. I. am. tired.

Feel like cutting off all my hair and moving to Japan.