sexta-feira, 15 de março de 2013

Thoughts on motherhood

I am so tired. It's like military discipline this is - the baby caring and constant self-forgetting, self-sacrifying. Or like zen discipline.
I don't know what I need to write about today, just that I do. There are a bunch of random thoughts that have been rumbling around up here in this head of mine...

What has changed for me, being a MOTHER now. (For chrissake, a MOTHER) What a loaded word that is, I'm not sure why. Several things surprise me about how this is playing itself out. Granted, I can only speak from a baby's mother point of view...but still. I am surprised at how natural it comes.
I mean, for such a loaded word, there's not that much too it.
I mean, once you get past the whole constant self-donation thing. That can be much if you struggle against it, or don't release life into that direction. Then it's painful, for there will be resentment and frustration and exhaustion. Struggling energies do that.
I don't even know what "feeling like a mother" is supposed to feel like, I thought there would be some magical mothery feeling that would all of a sudden take over, but not really. I know there is a baby, and I take care of her, and she lives here with us...and we see to it that she is as happy as possible. With the fiercest love possible. Is that being a mother? But then comes the side to this that wrenches my heart and grips at my stomach in fear - she is learning things - FROM US. From our daily example and our daily consistencies or inconsistencies. Am I worthy of this unquestionable imitation at least these first few years? SCARY. Also, I remember what a strong emotional influence my own mother was on me - both positive and negative - and that is another VERY SCARY thought. This power. Do I have the responsibility that should follow?
Then another more comforting thought comes in - the one that reminds me that she (my daughter) is a Being that has been existing way before this little baby self and has stuff to teach US as well... And that we get points for the "striving" part of this endeavor just as much as for the "doing well" parts. Actually, the "striving" is the whole point, or else everything would already be perfect and then there wouldn't be much of a point to any of this, would there? And also, there will be other people in her life to counter whatever negative influence I might have on her emotional life. Argh. What a difficult one to deal with, but good - Thank you God for the other people.

And another great comforting thought - there is no ultimate window of influence...whatever doesn't go so great can always be worked on, improved upon - communication, caring and constant self-analysis can go a long ways. It has for me.

Oh little one, we are in this together for sure. Love you to pieces. And the sheer and shattering dimension of this love makes me have no doubt in my mind that yes, I am a mother.

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