terça-feira, 20 de março de 2012

Half the Time, Half the World

Don't wanna talk about my pregnancy with random people at all, not even semi-random people. Not even with myself all that much. There's not much to talk about, really, it's happening, it's progressing, time is passing. I still get the blues half the time, I still get panicky and anxious and restless. I still wonder about the future A LOT, I still feel guilty...but now it's about half the time. Half the time is ok, It's much better than ALL THE TIME. 
I can get it in my head more times than not that I am not a bad person for having quit work, that I am not a bad person for not knowing what my next steps will be after the baby is born. I am not a bad person for not being financially independent. Ok. If I can reduce the panic, half the world gets put back in its place and starts to make sense again. 
The issue isn't the job, the money, the whatever...it's my guilt, it's my anxiety, my feeling like I'm in a totally new and unknown place in my life, at the brink of falling off from everything familiar and safe. It's ok to be scared, this is something that IS scary, this is something that requires major inner and outer adjustments. It's ok to be where I am. 

We saw you today!! You moved and waved and had a beautiful little profile to show us. Perfect hands, perfect nose...You are already cute!!

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