sexta-feira, 2 de março de 2012

Ilumina esse medo por favor

I don't understand what's happening to me. I know I'm pregnant. I know it's the famous first trimester, but I swear, I don't understand what's going on.

I am exasperated with the lack of good sleep, with the abundance of anxiety, tension and feeling miserable. My body feels like another planet, so far away from me, so taken over by this alien entity that insists on insisting. Crying is the best I can do to handle it all at some points. If I don't cry Lord knows how it would be.

I don't understand what is happening and I don't know if I should keep trying or just give up on that already. I am in another time and space dimension, I don't recognize the world around me as the place I used to live in. Nothing is familiar or comforting. I feel threatened by the most simple things, like lamp posts and clocks. Night scares me because that means soon I will be confronted with my sleeping torture. Day scares me because that means I will be confronted with my daytime torture. I feel tortured almost 24/7. Almost. There are some moments of reprieve, believe it or not. Those are like little gems, or stars -  "put it in your pocket, save it for a rainy day...."
I don't mean to be wallowing or feeling sorry for myself. I write to help myself, not to make it worse.
Pain makes me reconnect with my sense of spirituality. I have been praying so much these days, trying to talk to god, trying to get help, LIGHT.

Ilumine esse medo por favor.
Deus, esotu nos meus limites, em todos os sentidos. Preciso do teu colo, preciso de colo, preciso de conforto, por favor, me ajude.

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