I was speaking French, then I wasn't. Suddenly I lost my breath amidst the rrr's and the eau's. Suddenly my head started spinning, suddenly I got cold and clammy and had to put my head down. Suddenly not even French was enough to keep me going.
Today I broke down at work, it was embarassing but too real to be too embarassing. I mean, whatever, I can't pretend it is what it isn't. It actually didn't start with French, it started before, right before the kids class. I panicked so bad I had to take my meds and then I figure that screwed with my blood pressure. Mixed and brewed with a whole bunch of other factors (moving to Guará, the new apartment and adjustment, my new temporary not so temporary hectic schedule, my psychology course crisis, sleeping too little, Tabita's death, lack of time with family and friends, the dry dry dry weather, computer problems, personal health problems...what else?)
So I cancelled one class.
But I couldn't think. I couldn't organize the most basic things in my head. How to plug in my computer in the wall? How to type a lesson? Where to start?? Where to find a place to sit down?
My heart racing, my hands still clammy. I couldn't figure out how to read and how to write and where to begin. So I threw it all into my locker and went downstairs in order to breathe, but all I could do was regress, infantile like, regress more and more, I wanted my mom, I wanted someone to take care of me, I wanted to feel strong, but all I felt was out of control and out of myself. Out of time. It doesn't belong to me anymore and I just couldn't...I just...I needed a break.
So I brokedown and like a broken machine, was sent home. Thank god. I'm grateful for the people who helped me allow myself to go home and just do nothing.
I still feel like crying because tomorrow will be here too soon, but at least I don't have to be up at 6 and I can stay home and DO NOTHING. I'll try my best to become better friends with my new macbook...right now I actually have developed bad feelings for it. :( I feel frustrated and angry at myself cuz it's a freakin expensive and freakin wonderful laptop, but I don't feel comfortable and I feel stupid when I use it.
I miss just plain ole windows. Maybe I'm not cut out to be a mac person, maybe I haven't evolved that far yet. :P(when will it rain??)
I don't know where to start tomorrow but fortunately for me, it is not tomorrow. It's a good sign, however, that I am able to write about it now...good sign.