domingo, 12 de fevereiro de 2012
Let's talk openly. These last few weeks have been VERY, VERY DIFFICULT for me. I have gone back to places I never thought I would have to revisit and I've gone to new distinct places of joy, yes, dreams, yes, but mostly of severe and impailing fear.
I've been sleeping very badly, having a lot of strange realistic nightmares. I wake up tense with fear, panic, my stomach churning and heat soaring through my body. That quickly leads to the tears, horrible thick tears. It has been extremely painful, inside and out.
I never know how much is emotional, how much is physical...does it really matter? I guess it does in order for me more patient and forgiving with myself. But even if it is my emotions going haywire, shouldn't I also be patient and forgiving? Well, all that seems irrelevant between my sheets in the morning, dante's mornings. I find myself engaged in the biggest battle ever - between me and me and all the demons that I cultivate and hide deep down. They are all flying out and about and tearing my insides apart.
I am not exaggerating, this is how it has been. I get up after summoning all my strentgh, but also in a vain attempt to escape them (the demons) and end up over the toilet, throwing up nothing, just tears and snot that has run down to my stomach and after a while, some bile. Not a pretty pictures. I get so ANGRY during these moments, I yell/throw up. I yell NO! I yell, NOT FAIR! I yell, STOOOP!
Then it can go a hundred different ways from there. Maybe I go to my mom's room, asking for help, maybe I call a friend, maybe I'm with my boyfriend, sometimes I stay alone, watching tv and waiting to doze off again. PEOPLE really help, just being with other people. Being alone with this right now is very difficult. There is little in my own head to help me from sinking.
I was having less of a hard time some time ago, I guess I was managing to hold it together. Then it all burst at the seams. It still isn't sinking in there is someone down there, that it will start growing and showing soon...right now I just feel fat and bloated and indigested. And weepy and ugly and tired and scared.
So again, I cannot stress enough how PEOPLE have been very important right now, helping me move along, serving as my brains and sometimes as my hands and feet. I figure there are times in life when we need other people more than usual and that's what we are here for.
God, I pray for the serenity and peace of mind that are lacking, I pray for my stomach and intestines to go back to something normal soon. I pray for the lights in my mind to go back on again, I pray for me to feel like myself (confident, patient, kind) soon as well. I pray for me to be strong enough to be patient with myself until things shift back into place for me.
Please be kind, please be gentle...