quinta-feira, 23 de agosto de 2012

the physicality of an expanding balloon

Being pregnant has changed my views on being pregnant. It made me go from idolizing it, admiring it - to almost hating it completely. Oh please don't judge me.
I'm uncomfortable 98% of the time. There is no position to sleep in, sit in, walk in, it's becoming lunacy.
It changes everything. self-image, social image, habits - eating, sleeping, daytime, night time, sexual, etc...
It makes you go a bit crazy, messes with all sorts of emotions, really surfaces some deep and heavy things.
I haven't felt much pleasure at all with the physical state of being pregnant. In the beginning it was months of torture with the nausea and panic attacks and the feeling just plain awful, thinking I couldn't have any of my regular meds to help me.  Then I gained the weight all at once and that was a scary time for me as well, just for all the psychological trauma that brought forth and the radical diet changes I adopted, which were stressful for me. Then I got awkward, and I got those weird back pains, which have gone away, but a myriad of new things have taken its place. Heartburn was the latest of them and it has gotten better, or I've gotten better at putting it under my control. Now there's all this restlessness coursing through my body all the time, and I feel like i cannot expand any further, i don't want to, I feel stubborn and childish and angry...grr!!

but I do want to see her. I do have this curiosity about her person...but please, let's start a new phase, on the outside of my body now, ok?

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