quarta-feira, 1 de agosto de 2012

expectativas e desabafo

My belly is moving in waves as I write. She is moving in waves, pushing against her tight quarters.
Does she know when I'm upset? What does it feel like in there for her when there is an upset?
It happened. We are here, living together. After all those talks about doing this, long before the pregnancy, after all the fears, sometimes disagreements and frustrations, we're HERE. In an apartment, fully furnished by us, fully equipped, everything chosen by us, everything thought carefully by us...and now it's done. We took the leap and I don't really know how I managed except to say that I really took it a day at a time, one decision at a time.
Now, I allow myself to cry and feel all the emotions that accompany this recent change in life cycle and such. Just cry out of the courage it took to get here, to take on this enormous responsibility right before another one is about to be born. To leave the little nest I managed to build for myself at my mom's place.
I still can't relax too well here. I don't know what's expected of me, to say the truth. I know we share the chores, that we're both expecting each other to help out and that there are no officially designated roles, other than who is most willing/available at the time something needs to be done. But in my head, that's not how it's playing out.
In my head, I don't grasp where I fit in the whole-he's-working-and-I'm-not-scheme. The whole I'm-a-stay-at-home-mom-for-now-at-least scheme. Money bothers me, I wish it weren't all on him. I wish it didn't make me feel like what I do or what I need is less important.  I mean, I have my little earnings here and there, but it bothers me that I can't go after a career per se right now if I intend to have any sanity left at the end of a pregnancy and the beginning of infant-caring.
At the same time, it bothers me that he can't do more on that front. Of course, the belly is mine, but irrationally it upsets me that he can't grasp how uncomfortable and scary it can get at times, and also how amazing and enthralling.
Just to show how confusing it all can be: I get upset at myself because I get angry at him for feeling too lazy to wash the dishes and I start reminding him he had promised to do it, and I promised myself I would let him do it and not do it myself, not give in to my antsy-ness...and I end up feeling guilty about feeling angry and "nagging" and end up washing them myself, but at that point it seems like I'm doing it to get at him, when I'm not, it's just that the sink full of stuff really bothers me.
And then I don't know how we're supposed to share the chores, if something bothers me more than it bothers him, how do we do it fairly?
And what do I do when he's tired from work and his blood pressure is off the charts but I really wanted him to read this chapter from a maternity book...I've been waiting for him to want to read it since month 3, I guess, but I don't want to nag and I know that his process is not the same as mine, i.e. he's not interested in the same things in the same way...but it's a chapter about how the father helps with the first few months of the newborn, how important that role is and what it's about really...and what I'm trying to tell him is I'm scared of these first few months when he'll still be off almost all day taking care of the world, it seems, being head of a department and dealing with pressures of his own and he might not have the mental, physical or emotional energy to be with me, to really BE with me. I don't know what I'm supposed to ask for, what is just a fact of life, what I should get mad about, what is not fair to get mad about, how much he should be thinking about these things as well, how much he's running away from thinking about these things and leaving me with them and how much I'm just being plain unfair or how it is unfair to me. But at the same time, I need help, because it's not gonna be a picnic for me either, trying to balance my welfare, the baby's schedule, the house chores, any translation offers that should come, his work schedule, our couple's schedule (whatever that means), the budget...and he's still busy having to live up to his parents expectations of doing things together and having a certain lifestyle, which is frustrating on another level that I can't quite put my finger on yet.
So this is our last few weeks of pregnancy and I am overwhelmed with how to start a married life AND a family life all at once. I feel scared that we're not having the time to have the couple part first, the just us as independent young adults phase...
I feel like I should be queen right now, being pampered in every way, being thought of in the littlest things, like if my feet hurt or if I'd like some ice with my water, you know? Or if I feel lonely, or bored... Or if my head hurts, or if the baby is moving, or AAAAH! I want to feel like he and his family understand if I don't feel so social or if I break some sort of social protocol because I need to respect what my body is asking of me. Without the added pressure of them thinking I'm disrespectful or uninterested or whatever. I wish I could be recognized for still cleaning the house top to bottom with my 8.5 month belly.
I wish I didn't feel so childish for wanting all this and breaking into tears because I'm not feeling it.
I wish he could understand that I am irrational pretty much at this point, well, since the beginning, it's been all about emotion, I wish he'd stop expecting me to appeal to my rationality when I get upset.
And if truly this is impossible for him, if it is asking for too much, then I would rather be left alone right now and do it by myself than to go through all this ordeal in my head of doubt, guilt, anger, sadness, doubt...without knowing how to address any of it, because it feels like too much to express, too much to ask for.

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