sábado, 15 de outubro de 2016

On bleeding and stopping

There are days like these when I feel the bleeding stop.
That inner bleeding that threatened me so frequently over the last weeks, months.
Every now and then, there comes a day like this and gives me survival, sobrevida.
Sometimes these days turn into trampolines and the hemorrhaging stops long enough
enough to make my blood counts go up again, create reserve assets.

When I feel like myself, I can be exhausted, I can be in pain, I can be sick - but I am not threatened by any of it. That's the biggest difference.

When I'm beside myself - the smallest things make the bleeding start up and make me fear for my life.

The metaphor takes a real concrete turn when I remember the hemorrhages I had in both my births -  three total. The feeling of having the life dripping out of me was one of the most powerless moments I have experienced. Just watching, just feeling…not knowing how or when my body would react and make it all stop and get better.

Feeling thankful.

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