My second pregnancy

But now it's June 30 and no period...

Part of me wants it

Part of me doesn't.

It will always be so.

I will never be able to be 100% anything.

so let go of that fear,

Not wanting it doesn't mean you don't want it, get it?

One doesn't cancel the other out.

July 1st - The day two pink lines showed up on the stick

I feel full. 

It's all been different (so far) and I couldn't be more grateful

It's like this baby exudes calm. 

When I focus on little embryo-fish…

All curled up in his lenti-sized self with no eyes, arms, legs…

I can't feel scared of it.

I want to protect it and just be me and him. 

September - 

Tummy's getting big and round….

Big and round.

I feel baby's little flutters, wild kicking which for now only feels like ripples and later will feel like a log wedged in my ribs. I remember well. 

Baby - you're so little now, you'd fit int he palm of my hand. 

I don't know how you fit in my life yet, it bewilders me. 

I'm trying to carry on as normal.

I wonder how long I can pull that off. 

Who are you?

January

We have chosen her name: Violet, or Violeta here in the South.

Cora and Violeta. I can imagine her little newborn face.

She's a Violet.

I can see her older, wavy thick hair, she's a Violet.

Sweet strong child.

February 23

I am now on a hot water bag, escalda-pé, massage, floral de bach, buscopan, and synthroid and nexium and cloridrato de sertralina and showers and birthing bal and short walks and yoga regime. And lots of doula-love. 

Violet, we are ready for you!

Can't wait to meet you.

Can't wait to sleep belly DOWN

or even UP again. 

Letter to Violet the night before she was born

Violet, this last month has been a steep learning curve, learning to ride the waves of "what is", of feeling everything from despair, faith, giddiness, boredom, love for your cheeks.

I know i'm scared about us becoming four, about leaving my baby Cora "behind", turning that page…

Because it does make my heart ache.  But I realized yesterday, things have already changed. She's known that for a while. I'm scared of letting her go, opening room for you. But we have to turn the page, which in fact has already been turned. This whole pregnancy has been an intermediary chapter…and I'm tired of being in the middle.

Life is urging us to move on.

I've had 10 months to say goodbye to Cora baby, and she's done a good job of growing up some more.

Her destiny, like yours, will be to grow into her own person, away from me, but, God willing, with me somewhere around.

I know she will be the best big sister for you. She will cherish you, be eager to participate. She is eager and full of teachings.

You can come, love. 

There is a home, a bed (several!), laps, milk, warmth and love on this side.